It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 1

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

I don’t know if maybe the ep started a little early, but we start with Thea Gill (who I thought was Michelle Clunie for two years) telling us to get tested for AIDS/HIV. I always wonder about the differences between the actors that just “act”, and the actors that go out of their way to actually promote the show. Gale and Randy do next to nothing in terms of outside promo for this show. No behind the scenes tours or extras interviews or day-in-the-life-of’s. While you can catch the rest of them (except Michelle, and sometimes Sharon) everywhere! Always travelling and putting in that extra effort. It makes me respect them a little more. http://www.knowhiv.org

Previously on QAF…
Brian has syphilis, but Justin’s the whore
Hunter’s going back to school, and then he’s not.
JR is sick with an ear infection, but mostly with her parents fighting, “Won’t somebody please stop the fighting, start thinking about ME!”
Ted looks different except you know, he doesn’t
Justin draws Brian with “chancres” all over his face.
Something about Mel getting lawyers involved which doesn’t make sense since that plot has been settled… or has it!?

Credits:


They Like to Move It, Move It. They Like to… Move IT!
We open with a seizure inducing montage filled with boys, body parts, and lots of shaking derrieres! You know what that means… that old Babylon “Thumpa Thumpa”! We zoom in on Emmett and Ted at the bar going down a weekly “do” list of pretty HDGBs Ted's bedded. Wednesday it seems he hooked up with Tyler Durdenganger, and Thursday he hooked up with the hot Latino. Emmett tells Teddy he’s out of control, but forgets to tell him that he’s still shiny and weird looking. Emmett is wearing some shoulder pad looking things around his biceps. I can’t quite figure them out, it’s just so wrong. Ted, on the other hand, looks quite nice in a slightly embellished black shirt. It doesn’t look satin, but it’s some sort of semi shiny material. Good work Ted.

Brian greets our boys with a lovely, “Good evening twats.” Emmett asks him to refrain from making derogatory remarks about women since they represent half of his fan base. Brian asks if any of them are hermaphrodites, and when told no, tells Emmett to go fuck himself. You know what’s funny is that Emmett and Brian are “friends”, but they can’t stand each other. I think they care about each other to the extent that if one was in need they would help, but I don’t think you’ll ever catch these two road tripping alone just for fun. Brian asks if there’s anyone at the club worth doing and it’s Ted’s pleasure to inform him that he’s already done them all. Brian gives Ted a priceless, “Bitch please, you may have booked the week, but I’ve got the whole decade!” look. Emmett asks Ted who his Friday was and he points to some guy he deems to be a “Bossy Bottom”. Justin pops out of nowhere and can’t believe that Bossy Bottom is indeed a bottom. Ted confirms it to be true, and says that BB can sing Natural Woman better than Kelly Clarkson. Well, actually he said Aretha, but just… no. If Hugh Jackman can't outsing Aretha, then I know BB can't. Brian says that Ted should have gagged them first and then fucked them. I wish Brian had taken his own advice with Chatty Cathy a couple of weeks ago. Brian tells “Theodore” he still has lots to learn.

Emmett spots a “hot” guy across the room and asks who it is. I put quotations around hot because this guy is pretty fugly. He has greasy blond hair, and this weird nose and no lips. He looks like a cross between Christian Bale, and Toni Collette. I don’t know if he ever gets a name, and they’re calling him Brandon over at Moldy’s boards, but I think we’ll call him Toni McFugly for now. Toni knows when he’s being watched and turns to give the boys The Look of Homosexual Acknowledgment. Gale Harold has beautiful eyes, I forget sometimes how pretty they are. He’s watching Toni with a hunger that we’ve all come to know and lust. Ted says that he thinks he has Sunday free and begins to strut towards Toni, but gets cock-blocked by Brian who tells him to “count on staying home, trimming your pubes”. Now that’s what I call a Sunday night! Emmett’s face cracks me up as Ted says that he’ll let Brian have this one. Emmett’s like, “okay..”, and Justin is pissed, but he’s funnily pissed on beat. Right before the cut he does this little head bob thing. It’s completely adorable.

Brian follows Toni into The Back Room Of Sex. Before we continue, let’s take a little tour of TBROS. When you first arrive there is a white X on a black wall. I’m guess that’s the whole “X marks the spot” thing which is pretty nifty. There are some guys kissing, and then Brian goes around this wall where we see a guy doing drugs of some sort and then writhing against a wall. It’s funny because he’s being all sexy, but he’s completely alone. Brian rounds another corner where Toni is seducing some kid, and we see two sets of guys boning in the background. There is a loud smack and some groans, then -the part that cracked me up- one of the guys pulls out something and puts it to his mouth. It looks like it’s either a banana or an inhaler, either way it’s hilarious.

Brian cock-blocks again and the guy he does it to just sort of scampers off. Brian and Toni give each other some eyes and I’m sorry, but Toni is FUG! His eyes are really close together and it reminds me of that ep of Family Guy where this construction worker is saying something to Peter. His eyes are really small and close together, and Peter’s all, “I have to draw you!” Heh. Anyhow, they look each other up and down and Brian sexily traces a finger down Toni McFugly’s hott bod (if he had a paper sack he’d be fine) and stops just short of his belt buckle which he tugs at.

I asked my friend Jerrod why one would wear tight jeans with a belt to a sex, drugs, and techno club instead of like, sweatpants which provide easier access. He said the jeans make you look good, and the belt helps you identify your pants at the end of the night. Now that’s just common sense is what it is, those gays think of everything.

Brian puts a finger in Toni McFugly’s pants but Toni says NO! He puts his hand on Brian’s, gives him a look, and walks off. Brian is a little confused, but also a little intrigued.

Oh Mi! Where Ya Ben?
We open with Ben gushing about the gayest comic book cover of the gayest comic ever. Turns out Rage and JT are finally getting married! Y’all, I usually try not to go “there”, but this is gay gay gay gay gay. I couldn't find a pic to post so picture this if you will. Rage still has on his stupid mask and is wearing his stupid rage costume with the tear across the chest. He’s holding JT who’s in all white (yeah right, we all know it should be daaarrrkk brown). There are like 5 bouquets of flowers and a banner at the bottom proclaiming it to be the special wedding issue. I understand that they want to be down for the cause, but that’s the cheesiest thing ever. You might see a Superman/Lois Lane issue like that, but never any bad butt crime fighters like Spiderman/Mary Jane, Batman/Catwoman, or Wolverine and Ororo Storm. At least I hope not. The other thing about this is that Superhero relationships never work out, and there’s always some force of evil that ruins the wedding, you just know Rev. Swineheart is going to hold a rally outside the commitment tent.

Ben asks if the boys are getting married in Toronto, and Michael says they go to the planet of Massachupiter. I don’t know if that’s cute or corny, but I do know it’s triflin. Justin says that unlike Pennsylvanada, gay marriage is legal on Massachupiter. In the world of Gayopolis, how is gay marriage not legal already? Why is there even such a thing as gay marriage not being legal in Rage’s fictional world where he thrives as a homosexual super hero? Ben wants to know where they can buy their rocket ship tickets and zoom off. Well, they did that when they went to Canada so I don’t quite understand that question, but Ben says until then, they can live vicariously through their intrepid superheroes. Michael hopes that 5000, no 10,000 readers agree with him. What are those numbers for? Is that how many copies he’s going to publish? That’s quite a hike, but wishful thinking I guess. Justin helps clear the area and Ben asks if he’s coming to their housewarming. Justin says he wouldn’t miss it and Michael says it’s going to be “a badass blowout!” Yeah, I’m sure it’s going to be a roof raising good time, make sure you invite MontEli!

Ben says they should get started now and him and Michael get to some hot sexy kissing. I wonder what that’s like for Hal. I mean, it’s one thing to be straight and make out with another straight guy, but is it another to be straight and make out with a gay guy? Would it be like making out with a girl? I’ve always wondered about that. I also wonder because MiBen kisses are a hundred times sexier than MiDrDave kisses ever were.

Another little side note, throughout these 4 years, Brian has had only one boyfriend (Justin) but the most sex. Justin has had two (Brian, Ethan), and probably 2nd most. Emmett has had three (George Schickle, Ted Schmidt, and Drew Boyd) and one girlfriend (when he was straight, blechh) and probably ties or surpasses Justin in the sex dept. Michael has had two (Dr. Dave, Ben) and the 4th most sex, while Ted has had two (Blake, and Emmett) and maybe more sex than Michael, but less than Emmett. That really has no importance, but it’s something I was thinking about recently.

Moving on...

Ben and Michael suck face as Justin looks on forlornly. The door opens and Ben sings Hunter’s arrival, “Here his is!” Michael says it’s their wayward son and Hunter ignores him, but gushes over Rage’s “cool cover”. They couldn’t pay me enough to say that crap. Ben asks Hunter where he’s been, Michael says he was supposed to be home by six. Hunter says he was practicing with his debating partner and then gives this, “yep, that’s where I was alright!” nod. Hunter’s wearing a very nice black and white form fitting sweater with these crazy stripes all over it. Justin totally busts Hunter out by saying that whenever he told his parents he was with a debate partner, he was usually getting stoned. Hunter gives him this superb, “you motherfucker, you” look that cracks me up. And really, shut up Justin, we know you’re there, we can see you, you don’t have to make your presence known.

Ben asks when the big event is and Hunter says it’s the next day and it will be in front of the whole school. Yeah, that’s when I knew it was a lie because there’s no way the whole school would show up for a voluntary debate club event. Gosh, I’m not even sure the whole debate club would show up for that. I used to do speech and debate in high school and talk about deserted! The only time we saw people is when we went to nationals and competitions. Anyhoo, Justin goes all Geraldo on Hunter’s ass and asks what the topic is. Hunter says it’s capitol punishment, “I’m all for it, I say fry the motherfuckers.” He looks at Justin the entire time while saying this and Justin gives this, “whatever” sigh. Michael puts his hands on Hunter’s shoulders and says, “Now you see why we’re so proud!” It’s very cute and Justin gives a little laugh. Hunter could so totally beat Justin down.

I love how wonderfully uncomfortable those two are around each other. In the show they’re only 4 years apart, and the next closest person to Justin is Emmett. Let’s see, Ted is 38, Michael and Brian are 34 (they both turned 30 the first season), Emmett has to be at least 32 which still puts him 11 years ahead of Justin. The point is that here you have Hunter who really is being a 17 year old, then you have Justin, who at 17 was in love with a much older man and trying to get him to settle down. He’s always wanted this really adult existence, like he was born in the wrong decade. I can relate to that, but I also try to enjoy my youth. I think Hunter kind of calls Justin on his “I’m so mature” bullshit that he puts out. And for that, I love Hunter. As I said, he’ll do something to mess it up, but for now I love him.

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