Monday, July 18, 2005

So That’s What They Call A Family: QAF Recap 508 07-03-05 Page 1

Aren’t you glad you ain’t that way?
By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 508 Aired 07-03-05

The break up that launched a thousand gasps and tears was heard around the world as Justin and Brian decided to call it quits.
Brian and Michael’s relationship enters into a despairingly irreparable state as Brian painfully accuses Michael of infecting Justin with domesticity.
Proposition 14 becomes the most hard hitting, dangerously unrealistic piece of legislation ever and succeeds in getting on my last frickin nerve.
Brandon still looks weird and sounds all Canadian and tries to take Brian’s throne as hottest guy by challenging him to a bone-off. Yeah, it’s as gay as it sounds.

Credits: 1-2-3-4-5-6 Shake it Dude! I normally don’t have the CC on during the credits so for the longest time I thought they were saying, "Can we pause to begin?" which I LOVED! Like, how artsy-fartsy of them, right? Well my dear readers, the line is in fact, "Cue the pulse to begin." and while that’s nice. It’s not as great. I’m still trying to find other focus points in the credits. Someone alerted me to the awesomeness of watching the last shot of Brian walking away as if he were doing the final catwalk on ANTM. And while that is most certainly awesome, it’s no Get It Ben! Maybe next week.

Let The Gay Begin!
Would you like to come inside-side-side?
are the opening lyrics to the ongoing Briandon Bone Off. Ahh, nice job music department. We run through the list of Torontosburgh’s hottest guys

Ten Hottest Guys
Max Dunn
Anthony Penn
Pancho Mansfield
Jason Pitt
Alex Easley
Simon Matthews
Blayne Ross (I’m sorry, Blayne?)
Marc Hughes
Jeremy Laforest
Matthew Benoit

I would like to say that almost none of these guys are hott which makes me think that Briandon should either move, or dial back the entitlement a little. Because being the hottest guy there just basically means you don’t look like butt crack. Anyhow, Brian and Brandon are at Woody’s (well, I assume it’s Woody’s, since it’s the only gay bar in town). Brandon hands his list to Brian and it seems as though Brandon has completed six encounters. Brian’s impressed, but Brandon says it was just a modest effort. Brian also has six and when Brandon asks if they can be verified, Brian tells him (sarcastically? I really wouldn’t put it past this show) that he has signed affidavits. "So it appears we’re neck and neck." (Brandon has been called Scruffy Jesus by the awesome Elliot, and now that he’s wearing this Batman/black leather/motocross jacket, I now agree on a totally different level. If this storyline weren’t so asinine, I know for a fact that Christian Bale would have agreed to do it.)

Brian elaborates that they are indeed neck and neck, and "Dick and dick." Brandon takes this mindblowing exchange even farther by saying, "Equal", but perhaps that was a bit too far for our Brian. "Even, Brandon. But never, never equal." When he says this, Brian looks so old. I notice that Brandon’s not looking like death, and I don’t think I like that development. Brandon takes Brian’s comments in stride as a young Johnny Galecki looking mother fella walks in, "Ahh, but not for long, my number seven just walked in." Our Brian is not one to get easily deterred and sees not only his number seven, but also his number eight, "I don’t believe there are any stipulations regarding more than one at a time?" That Brian, he’s so resourceful. You got to admire that in a man.

The Apartment Poltergeist Happened To
Justin and Michael carrying a mattress into Justin’s crappy loft. You know, Emmett worked part time retail in a clothing store and could afford to split an apartment with Michael who worked at the Big Q. That was a pretty spacious 2 bedroom apartment and I refuse to believe that it could set Justin back anymore than renting this dump. After Mikey and Justin bring the mattress upstairs Mikey asks where the bathroom is. "There isn’t one." Justin answers. I thought there was a community bathroom down the hall? Do I need to go to Torontosburgh Pennsylvanada and rob Justin just so he’ll move? Mikey then asks where the kitchen is so he can get a drink of water, but Justin informs him there is no kitchen, but he’s got a nice rusted out "sink" in the corner Michael can use. I really need to know how much this is costing Justin, frickin’ homeless people have higher standards of living than this. Mikey just shakes his head and tells Justin that in addition to a sink, he’ll also have a bed once they drag the rest of it up – wait for it – 18 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!! What the crap is that? How do you build 18 flights without an elevator? Snacktastic said the only way he would go up 19 flights of stairs is if he were staying for the weekend, and that makes him a much better friend than me. If there are more than 10 flights in the building you can FORGET IT! And even then you better live on the first floor.

Justin thanks Michael for the loan and Michael tells him not to bother returning the bed. "I doubt we’ll be needing it." There is a little awkward silence which is really sad for me. Justin breaks it by saying as soon as he decorates he’ll have MiBen over for Louis Coutures? I have no idea what that is, but Mikey loves them! Is this something you learn when you receive your Gay Guide to Fabulousity upon initiation? Or am I just an uncultured ragamuffin? Mikey says that first Justin needs to buy a dining table, and chairs (and a sofa, and while he’s at it a better apartment, and a better standard of living). "Is it worth mentioning a stove?" Justin shakes his head. Michael tells Justin to call him if he needs anything, but Justin assures him he’s done enough. Michael gives a little laugh and pulls his next comment out of his butt, "Yeah, I’m sure Brian would agree with you." Uhh, okay, because we were totally talking about him. Someone mentioned how odd it is that Michael and Justin are friends and I agree. It’s an odd development that makes sense in a non-realistic way. "He blames me for infecting you with all kinds of heretical ideas like marriage and monogamy and house and kids. He wants me burned at the stake."

Justin is quick to take down Brian, "You had nothing to do it! Blah blah blah, things I wanted. Blah blah blah, could never have." And normally I would be a little more sympathetic to Justin, but homeboy’s only 21! Even if he can’t change Brian’s mind in the next 20 years he still has a crapload of life left to live you know? He could get his own little Anna Nicole if he wanted. I don’t know, this season makes me hate Justin. Justin apologizes if he ruined Michael and Brian’s friendship, but Michael says Brian did that himself. They head downstairs to get the box spring.

Stalking You, is Easy Cause You’re Beautiful
Emmett is on the phone with an unidentified caller, "I know you’re there, I can hear your sinus condition!" I love how he says this a little nasally. I might also mention that Emmett looks really good right now wearing tan cords and a white, pink, fuchsia, yellow, and tan striped dress shirt. He hangs up the phone and Deb asks if it’s another crank call. Emmett tells her it’s the 5th time this week and Carl walks in and inquires as to what the two are talking about. Emmett says it’s nothing, but Deb (who’s making Carl a yummy lookin’ sammich) tells Emmett that since Carl’s a detective he should know. The background action is really cute in this scene. Carl asks Deb, "Sweetheart, could you put a little more roast beef on there, and ar maybe another tomata?" I love his accent, it’s so Archie Bunker meets tolerance. After Em tells Carl about the calls, he insists it’s probably a wrong number. Deb, level headed woman that she is, agrees and drops the subject. Ha! You didn’t believe that for a second did you? "or a STALKER!" Now that’s the Deb we know, "Well he is on TV, you hear about it all the time! Some crazed lunatic falls madly in love with a celebrity and wants to marry him," She takes this time to brandish a knife Angelina-style, "or slices him up!" Emmett is slightly perplexed by this new revelation, "Stalker? (confused) Stalker? (intrigued) Stalker?! (freaked out) Oh my god what should I do? Hire a bodyguard?" I hear Kevin Costner is available (ooh burn!), and with him you can act out your inner DIVA! Deb suggests a new alarm system and her and Emmett get to planning their new panic room complete with a button that connects directly to the police. I think they mean a "telephone", or maybe a med alert cord?

Carl wisely puts a kibosh on all of this tomfoolery, "I am the police. You don’t need a button. You do are jumpin’ to conclusions. If it is a stalka he’s probly hahmless. Hell, he’s afraid to even talk to ya. Just keep an eye out, you’ll be a’ight." Ahh, everything Carl says should be accompanied with a nudge under the chin and a little sock on the arm. I suddenly have an urge to take my dog and go to the old fishing hole, or to the soda shop for a selzer. Deb doesn’t like Carl’s advice and takes away his sandwich! Then she encourages Emmett to take her advice, "You get yourself one of those pepper sprays so you can blast the bastard, then you take one of those karate classes so you can kick him right in the fucking balls!" Then she gives Emmett Carl’s sandwich which he takes and leaves! Ha! That’s so messed up, they do Carl so wrong, but don’t worry Carl. Deb may have taken your roast beef, but she’s going to want your baloney later tonight!

MeLinds Mans
Linds brings in some tea for Mel who’s furiously surfing the internet, not quickly, just really angrily. She tells Linds to check out a listing she has pulled up. Linds wonders if it’s for some sort of vases on eBay and I would tell you what kind except when Closed Captioning isn’t sure of something, they just flash it on the screen for a second. It’s like a little fart and I can’t pause it. It’s very odd. Anyhow, it turns out not to be vases at all, but a list of contributors to prop 14. Linds takes a look at the heavily populated list, "It’s hard to believe that there are that many people that donate millions of dollars just to keep us from having the same rights as they do." You know, maybe that’s why I’m not an active hater, because I can’t give money to something worthwhile much less something that’s going to hold others back. It pays to be cheap sometimes. Mel decides to take action and plans to go to the LGTB center to volunteer. Linds says that she’ll pick up Gus from daycare. I like this because Linds cares about prop 14, but she cares more about getting Melanie to know that she cares since this is something Melanie is passionate about. There are a few sparks that fly, but they are interrupted by a ring at the door.
It turns out to be Mikey who is picking JR up for Gymboree. Gymboree is one of the cutest things in the world. Don’t you wish all gyms were like that? You could just play around and then take a nap if you wanted, have a little snack? I think I may be on to something! Actually the idea of baby gym is a little sick and twisted, but… baby! Awwww. Michael announces he’s there to pick up his little Honey Bun (aaawwww) and Mel runs upstairs to get her. Before she goes she hands her tea to Linds telling her it has the perfect combination of cream and honey, as usual. Linds smiles widely and says thank you! She’s about to drop to one knee and propose, but Mel takes her leave leaving Linds blushing like a school girl. They seem to be back on their way to reconcilliation, oh God please don’t jinx it Mikey! "If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you two were back to normal." Noooo!! Now they’ll never get back together! Unless we can get Mikey to throw a surprise together again party. That might work in it’s own little backwards way.
Linds tells him that she and Melanie have decided to try and in-house separation which is what I said they should have done from the very beginning. She says they both live in the house with Mel on the 2nd floor and Linds in the attic. They’ll share chores and childcare, but otherwise live totally separate lives. You know that may have worked for Jack and Meg White, but for some reason I don’t think it’s going to work too well here. Michael says that he can’t imagine going through that with Ben and I like that Michael assumes that the only way him and Ben would break up would be under the most horrific of circumstances. It’s very extreme and true to his character. Linds insists it’s not as difficult as it sounds once you get the system up and running, "In fact, I’d say it’s working rather well." She gives the old invisible wink, wink, nudge, nudge. I wouldn’t get too suggestive Linds, Michael might take that the wrong way, I’m not foreshadowing I don’t think, it’s just a general caution.

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