B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 1

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05

Previously on QAF:

After Rage (finally!) got axed, Justin headed back to Torontosburgh with some junk in his trunk and Brian on his mind. And I’m a BriMi girl at heart, but it was hot, I don’t care what you think!

Michael wants joint custody of Jenny Rebecca since MeLinds broke up.

Deb was tolerable, then not… mostly not.

Ted is still old and still fat.

Brian decides to buy a club but apparently doesn’t know how to- you know what? So ridiculous.

Lindsay’s hair looks like it’s fresh out of jail.


Credits: All together now, “Spinny guy, Writhing hands, BEN!” Learn it, Live it, Love it.

Before the credits I notice this ep is rated TV: MA for L and has AL and AC. To me this means it’s TV-MAL, and has A Lot of Absolute Crap. These ratings just get more and more accurate don’t they?

We open on Cirque du So Gay as our “Master of Ceremonies” gets his animals into shape. Somewhere Joel Gray is content with the fact that he did it sooo much better. This man has on red and white striped briefs, a red with black satin trim ringmaster jacket, and fishnet thigh highs. Yes, it’s just as tragic as it sounds, it’s like the stuff that Emmett was going to donate to the Salvation Army, but they wouldn’t take. NotJoelGray is lip-synching some song with a whip in one hand and a chair in the other as he whips his animals (read: hot guys in makeup) into submission. The scene starts out artsy fartsy, but then they get a little creepy with the gnashing, and the freaky faces. It reminds me of this movie I saw when I was a kid. For some reasons some cats infected the town’s children and there was only one little boy left. He ran into one of those dome jungle gyms that look like half of a dodecahedron and the kids climbed over it (why not in it, I have no idea, but it was an older movie) and were trying to get to him, and suddenly their faces changed to cat faces and it freaked me out forever. I’ve been trying to remember this movie for the past 18 years; I know I didn’t make it up! Anyway, if anyone knows, holla at your girl!

So there’s a lot of writhing and whip smacking and it’s not really erotic as much as it is weird and unsettling. I originally thought this was a dream sequence, but it ends up being the return of the Babylon acts. While I’m all for these acts, this? Kinda lame, just sayin’. So NotJoelGray makes them get into this spherical cage and the song ends with the boys in the ball and NotJoelGray looking all weird and even if the place were packed it will still be awkward. The place is not packed though, and there’s only a spattering of applause. It turns into that scene from Citizen Kane where Charles Foster Kane is at the opera listening to Susan sing horribly. It ends, and everyone’s applauded, but Charlie starts the clap again and a few people oblige. Then he stands up and starts with this heavy-handed clap and it’s so awesomely difficult to watch. That’s not exactly what’s going on here, but it reminded me of that, and how much better that is than this.

So Brian starts the Charlie clap, but adds his own brand of whistles and whoos! and it’s so sad and embarrassing that even Justin has to look away. Bri goes to the bar and orders a Grey Goose and arsenic and Ted replies that it should be the $2 special they’re offering, and maybe one of the 3 people in the club will buy it. Brian complains that his promotional efforts aren’t working. Apparently he’s taken out a full-page ad in Out and like, the magazine? Why? I would think that would be akin to me putting out an ad for The Q (don’t let the site fool you, it sucks) in Instinct. See? It’s a waste of money, and you already don’t care. Maybe I’m wrong, but that seems really stupid. Besides, don’t these ads take forever to show up, it is a monthly magazine right? I’m going to need this show to get more creative product placement. Brian has also put window cards in every shop and even hired go-go boys in bikinis to pass out flyers, and we all know how that turned out.

Justin Capt. Obvious Jr's that with promotion like that, there should be a line around the block.

Justin: Why Jr?
Sticky Keys: Because Michael's the Captain, deal with it!

And I agree that with the promotion they have, there would have been. If I had a club that was mysteriously shut down, and reopens not just under new ownership, but the ownership of BRIAN KINNEY, I’d be first in line just to see the drama. That’s why this story line is stupid. If it were Ted’s club I might understand, but this is Brian friggin’ Kinney! Whatever. Ted says there are lines around the block, they’re just at Poppers. Is Poppers a real club or something? Because for never having heard of this club for the past 4 years, it sure is getting great promo.

We hear a riding crop get slammed on the bar, and we see it’s NotJoelGray and he is not pleased. “Drinks on the house!” he demands, “ for wasting our time, and our talent.” Time? Sure. Talent? Don’t flatter yourself Ed Wood, your performance is only quirky because it sucks that badly. Brian offers up his drink, which NotJoelGray accepts prissily. I hope that was the one with the arsenic.

Justin doesn’t get why everyone left. Ted goes on that it’s one of life’s great mysteries, “How does a bud know when to bloom? How does a bird learn to fly? Why do queers desert one club for another?” and I understand he’s trying to be cute, but those questions have nothing to do with each other so it makes him sound bloated. Dare I say Shut Up Ted? And so early in the episode! I was personally going to ask my own great mystery of why these guys take Ted to the club when all he does is sprout self pitying remarks, and corny conundrums, but then I realized that I’m Ted, so we’ll just leave that where we found it, ‘kay?

Justin gives him this great, “Now I remember what it was about Ted!” look that’s actually pretty funny. His face is going to win awards this ep because some of his reaction shots are priceless. Brian gives Ted a look and downs his drink.

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