It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 5

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on Fire!
Justin and Brian are walking up the steps to MiBen’s housewarming party. And boy is it on! The paper bag lanterns are set up on the porch rails and look very nice. Justin tells Brian he can stay for at least an hour, but Brian says he’s just there to make a special guest appearance. Justin is wearing his awesome white jacket again, but it’s starting to look a little dingy. If you’re going to kill something for fashion (which I’m totally for), then at least have the decency to keep it clean. Brian on the other hand is wearing a GORGEOUS cocoa brown leather jacket. It has embellished stitching on the front and it is to die for. Justin says that Brian should stay for Michael, but Brian says that Michael should understand the most. “The first rule of a sex party is don’t come late, or you may not come at all.” I wonder what Brian would gift at a sex party. Knowing his backwards butt he’d probably take a coffee table book, or an appliance. Justin, looking rather elvish in his side profile, tells Brian that it certainly gives new meaning to, “the early bird catches the worm.” And indeed, it does.

Michael answers the door and Justin gives him the gift. Michael asks if it’s a harness and paddle to go with the sling. See, I told you once they set it up they would love it! Justin says (unfortunately) no, he picked out the gift this time. They all go inside and again, I can’t tell if Gale is really tall, or if Randy and Hal are really short. We get some interior shots and yay, MontEli are there. Yawn, I can barely control my enthusiasm, someone break out the Twister. Eli is telling Ben that he and Michael did a great job on the house. Ben says they’re not done yet, but Eli (always the optimist) says that they’re never done, just like he never SHUTS UP! Ben says that all it takes is time, and Eli adds, “and money”. Gee, thanks mood killer. Ben says, “Tell me about it”, then you can tell he’s sick of this conversation so he points the video camera at them and changes the subject, “Okay, say something for posterity.” Heh.

MontEli are about to say something, but Deb runs in front of the camera cussing about the lack of food. In the first sign of actually personality MontEli start to crack up. Hey, don’t be trying to make me like you guys you hear!? Deb gives some stupid speech about happiness, and sunbeams, and cute little puppy dogs and then goes to join Carl. It’s funny because MontEli never give their message, they just walk away, even funnier is the fact that Ben never asks them again. Ha Ha! Deb tells Carl that the gays have really fixed up this neighborhood. It used to be nothing but whore houses and bookie joints. Carl says he knows since he used to be there all the time… “when I was a beat cop.” Oh Carl, you sly dog! The doorbell rings and Michael runs to answer it. It’s weird though because he seems to run past where the door was before and to the other side of the living room. Okay? I told you this house was stupid.

It turns out to be Mel and JR. Mel has on a lovely jacket. It’s black and kind of in a fireman’s jacket style. It has a big collar with a tan stripe, and brown and tan stripes across the chest and at the cuffs. Mel thanks Michael for inviting her, “even though… you know” Michael says, “well, we’re still family aren’t we?” and I like that a lot. It definitely explains his change of mood with Brian. Mel smiles and says, “Happy New House!” which is just adorable. Michael asks if he can show off JR and takes her inside to a bunch of aweing homosexuals. JR really is a sweetie pie. Precious baby. We pan from the living room to Hunter looking all pissy on the stairs, and then to Ted and Emmett walking down the stairs.

“First I’m gong to give him the fucking of his life, then I’m going to give him the mind fucking of his life. Once I was your pity fuck, but tonight you’re mine you arrogant asshole!” Ted explains to Em, Em looks up and says, “Speaking of which…” And there’s Brian. Heh. “Aren’t you two aunties going to go ooh and ahh over the baby?” he asks to no reply. I might add that Emmett is back to looking horrible. I don’t even know what he’s wearing so I’m not even going to try and explain it. Brian informs Em that he caught his underpants (UNDAPANTS!) on the news last night, “You saving your dick for sweeps?” Heh, sorry Em, but that’s what you get for listening to Brian, when are you going to learn that it’s never about you babe? Emmett lies and says that his producer thought it was a terrific segment, “he said it was about time we saw gays as full, sexualized human beings. Not just stereotypical eunuchs and clowns.” He kind of peters off at the end because he realizes that he’s just repeating what Brian said to him. Brian looks like he’s about to say, “Oh?”, but instead goes for a yawn. HA! That’s hilarious, and yet another thing I’m going to add to my repertoire of “doings”. Emmett tries to save face and dismisses himself.

We pan to Linds who has been chatting in the background as she sees Mel at the food table. She either says, “Our daughter’s a hit”, or “Your daughter’s a hit”, but I can’t tell and CC ain’t helping. Mel says that she agrees. Linds is glad that Mel came to which Mel replies, “hmm, for no other reason than I’m starving.” Nice Mel, I didn’t see you come in with a gift did I? Linds says that it reminds her of their housewarming. Mel says, “if anyone needs proof that that toilets are controlled by cosmic forces.” Linds adds, “Why else would they break down 10 minutes before the guests showed up?"

“A hundred dykes peeing in the backyard.”
“Bushes in the bushes!” Mel and Linds smile at each other and start to laugh. What’s that smell? It smells like, reconciliation!

Side note: I wish I knew a hundred people to invite to a housewarming, I wouldn’t ever have to buy a thing.

MiBen call for a toast in the living room.”Welcome to our new home, we look forward to sharing many happy family occasions here.” Ben adds, “we also have another reason to celebrate tonight.” They open a box and pull out the Rage wedding issue. “Rage and JT are getting married!” Sigh. Eli says it’s about time they settled down, and I’m sorry, but have MontEli known about Rage the entire time? Have they ever read an issue? Monte asks when Rage and JT start raising their super family, and Michael says that’s next. Monte is just so frickin exciteable. I can just imagine him telling his friends he got this part. “Yeah you guys, I’m going to be the fourth black person with a recurring role on the show. I get lines in 5 episodes! Power to the people, power to the people!” Aww, that’s so cute. Now that I made up his little persona, I’m kinda in love with him. Oh Monte, power to the people indeed.

Michael hands Brian one and asks if he likes it. Brian says it reminds him of a Norman Rockwell he saw in a doctor’s office when he was a kid. Justin is in the background looking very uncomfortable. “A little girl and boy dressed up as bride and groom… and an adorable little puppy tugging at the bride’s wedding gown. Just then, the nurse came in and stabbed me in the finger for blood.” I hate that Brian never really talks in complete sentences, it’s always this weird string of comments and phrases. Michael says that because of that incident Brian has had an aversion to marriage ever since. Michael doesn’t care about that though, he cares about the Rage comic, “Well I happen to think it’s a damn good story. Just because it doesn’t agree with your anti family values is no reason to dump on it!” Brian says, ”okay”, throws the comic down and leaves. Heh. Brian’s on it with the jerky reactions tonight. They pan up from Justins legs up to his face. He looks not pleased, but surprisingly hot. He's got a great set of legs.

Deb wants the whole family to do a video. At first I thought that they would forget about Hunter, but Michael tells Ben to get him while he gets JR. Ben hey pal’s Hunter and asks if he want to come join them for a family video. Hunter asks what they want him there for and runs upstairs. Sigh.

We Don’t Need No Water Let the Mother Effer Burn!
We open on a dark warehouse to the sounds of fucking and sucking and bears, oh my! Brian is on a platform of some sort getting a blow job and we see who I originally thought was Toni McFugly, but ends up being Random McSexer with his shirt off looking at Brian. What the holy mother of God? IS Brian on a frickin’ lift!? Ha! That’s so sad, he’s getting a blowjob, on a lift?! Hee! Wow, anyhow, he lowers the lift and makes his way over to Random McSexer who is more than happy to oblige. That is until Toni McFugly comes in. Is this guy new in town? How is he getting all of these insta-invites? Why is he stalking Brian? You know Justin probably hired him to knock Brian off of his thrown. He reminds me a little of Chris Hardwick (remember Singled Out? Good times) and that makes me sad for Chris. Toni’s back to looking horrible again, but I will give him props for his awesome leather jacket. It’s black with a slim red and white stripe that starts at the zipper just below the shoulder blade, and runs down the sleeve. I think it has red lining, but that might just be part of the zipper; it’s pretty awesome regardless. Toni McFugly still looks a hot mess in the face department, but apparently I’m the only who thinks so since Random McSexster ditches Brian saying, “a better offer comes along…”

He goes to sex up Toni who puts his arms up like he’s the king of the world. Brian is pissed and again with the beautiful eyes. Maybe that’s when his eyes are most gorgeous, when he’s embarrassed or confused? Toni gives him the Patrick Bateman meets Constantine stare of utter creepiness. You know, in order for me to completely buy this turn of events for Brian, I’m going to need more of a back-story on Toni. The old Brian wouldn’t have cared about all of this, which says a lot about the way Brian has changed. It’s something to think about when watching these scenes, that way you won’t die of total boredom.


Michael’s Comic Book Store: All Gay all the Time
We see a large poster board advertising Rage’s special wedding issue. Michael sells one for $5.50 and gushes about another satisfied customer. “You say that after ever sale” Justin points out. “I do?” Michael asks. Justin confirms this and Michael says he’s just excited. They’ve sold 536 copies of the issue on the website and and 200 in the store. “Everyone loves that JT got his man.” Justin looks a little sad, “Yeah, everyone but you know who.” Michael does know who, “What did you expect?” It’s interesting to me that Michael has never been a huge Justin lover. In all these years I don’t recall him ever helping Brian and Justin be together. Correct me if I’m wrong about that. It’s also intriguing because at first I think Michael was jealous, but now he has Ben and is still unwilling to help Justin out with Brian. I think that Michael knows Brian, but instead of really challenging him, he accepts him as he is. Justin however, wants a relationship with a man who’s anti-relationship so on some levels he challenges Brian so he can change into what Justin wants him to be. It’s a very interesting dynamic.

Justin says that he expected life to imitate art, “I’ve heard it’s been known to happen. How could I have been suckered into my own fanasy, talk about pathetic. Nobody on earth knows as well as I do that unlesss he were genetically altered in some nuclear mishap, that could never happen.” After this little spiel he gives Michael this, “right? Right?” look and it breaks my heart. Michael softens a little and says that it’s not a bad story. Justin says it’s only a story. A kid comes in and proclaims the Rage issue to be “totally awesome!” and buys one. Justin says to himself, “another satisfied customer.” Aww, poor baby.


MiBen’s Warm and Toasty Abode
“Well I think the house has been officially warmed wouldn’t you say?” Ben comes out and sees Hunter on porch, and he is in a mood. Ben tries some more to make conversation, “great party huh? Everyone seemed to have a good time.” Hunter finally responds, “Yeah, if you call Melanie and Lindsay declaring a cease fire, Brian leaving to go to a sex party, and you and Michael sticking that fucking camera in my face pretending we’re this happy family, having a good time.” Sounds like a good time to me, but Hunter is not having it. Instead of telling Hunter to shut his stupid mouth, Ben insists that they’re not pretending, they are happy. There’s a long pause that works in this shot and Ben finally says, “You’re going to get through this.” I know this is supposed to be a sweet sentimental moment, and really it is, but Ben is wearing a red shirt, and his blue eyes are popping out of the tv and into my crotch and I can’t ignore that. Sorry.

Ben says he promises. Hunter says, “Fuck your false hope.” How very Shakespeare meets Tarantino… “the worlds a stinking shit hole.” Ben doesn’t know what to say so he goes with, “I don’t think Sartre could have said it any better.” Hunter doesn’t know who that is and Ben gives him this odd look that I can’t define with words. I know what it means, but can’t articulate it. Huh. There’s another great pause, and Ben tells Hunter he found a great charter school for him, “they have a waiting list a mile long but one of the professors in my department pulled some strings…” Is this a professor at his “job”? So basically Hunter will be home-schooled right? Hunter asks why they should even bother, “They’ll just find out there too and then it will start all over again.” And while that may be true, this time Hunter will know how to deal with it. Hunter’s about to cry and it’s killing me, “so what’s the point of my going to another fucking school!?” Hunter grabs trash and takes it to the curb.

Ben’s reaction is really grating to me. I know he wants to be the loving patient parent, but there’s got to be a time that you set your foot down, because overall Hunter is just a kid. He has no idea what lies down the road for him, but you do. I think Ben’s new-agey way of parenting neglects that fact that he is a parent for a reason. It’s not just financial security, but to help your young one figure out how to deal with life. I’m not saying he needs to be a tyrant, but a happy medium would be nice.

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