It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 4

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

Deb’s Bordeaux of Boredom
Deb comes downstairs wearing her bathrobe and hears sounds of pain coming from the kitchen. She takes a look and sees Carl with his elbows on the island in front of him, and Emmett behind him telling him to, “Take it like a man!” This is just gross. It’s cute in a silly sort of way, but still gross. Deb is relieved to hear that Carl hasn’t switched teams as it turns out Carl is just helping Emmett test out his back waxing skills. Carl says he’s had enough, but Emmett protests he’s only half waxed. Carl says if Em goes any farther he’ll be half assed! Ha! Carl’s getting some good lines in this ep. Well, actually, that was pretty much it, but it’s more than he usually gets. Emmett asks Deb if she’d like a “landing strip” and Deb responds, “I’d like to keep the whole airport.” Heh.

Deb goes on to say that she’s burning up. Emmett asks if she has a temp but Deb says no. He asks what her doctor said, and Deb replies, “He says I’m dying… of perfect health. Wise ass.” Ha! That’s hilarious. I hate it when people try to be all cutesy with me in areas that I don’t want to joke about. I would tell you this joke my gyno told me during my last exam, but it irritated me so much that I’ve forgotten most of it. Just know that it ended with me laughing fakely and mumbling, “Jerk” under my breath. Anyhow, Deb takes out a pint of icecream to cool herself down, but ends up eating it instead.

Emmett takes this time to ask Deb is she finds him attractive and sexy. “Keeping in mind that I’m a heterosexual woman of a certain age, and you’re as queer as they come… fuck yeah.” You know the other day I was listening to O by Omarion and getting all misty (both places) and then realized that this dude is still a teenager. I’m only 24, and I felt very, very dirty, but hot is hott at any age. Not that I’ll be joining the female chapter of NAMBLA anytime soon, I’m just sayin’. Emmett’s pleased with Deb’s response because Brian said the only reason people like the Queer Guy is, “because I’m non-threatening, sexless, a eunuch.” Deb rightly questions what the hell Brian knows, but Emmett says he knows quite a bit. Except that he doesn’t. Brian thinks of Emmett as a eunuch (which, who’s to say he really thinks that? He was probably just trying to get Em riled up for shits and giggles) only because he’s not attracted to Emmett, and doesn’t really like him. So there you go. I think the only platonic friend Brian has is Michael, and I really hesitate to put Linds in that category since they used to date (and I think slept together?). Deb tells Em that he has sex more than anyone she knows, and not to be selfish, she adds “except her and Carl. Let’s face it honey, most viewers don’t want to think about gay men having sex.” Doesn’t QAF realize that that’s the only thing that attracted 85.34% of their male audience, and 102.5% of their female audience? The rest came for Hal Sparks. It’s a fact!

Deb goes on to say, “the thought of two guys kissin’, much less taking it up the ass makes them uncomfortable.” Which, for a news station could be true, but that goes with anyone. Lord knows I don’t want to think about Miri Yamasushi and Johnny Memphis getting it on. Emmett points out that Brian said that too. “Well you know something, it’s time they got over it.” Oh God, we know this is going somewhere bad right? Again, I can understand QAF wanting to be down with the cause, and it would be acceptable on a half hour, or hour-long program. But Emmett has only 5 minutes, like 3 times a week that he does this spot. This is ridiculous!

Revenge at the Gym
Ted sees Pity Fucker going for an exercise machine and jumps in to use it before him. Pity Fucker notices this infraction, but is placated when Ted asks for a spot. These weights are huge and I don’t know who Ted is trying to impress, but it looks like he’s going to get crushed in the process. Pity Fucker introduces himself as Troy, and Ted introduces himself. You know, this incident only happened 3 years ago, I wonder why Ted wouldn’t give an alias? It’s of no consequence because Troy doesn’t seem to remember Ted at all, or does he? “Hey, I know you from somewhere.” Ted seems a little nervous until Troy continues, “South Beach right? We hooked up.” Ted is relieved and says he’s never been there. Troy asks if he’s like to, and Ted says, “Go to South Beach?”, but Troy says, “Hook up.” Well that’s direct, but Troy’s hot enough to get away with it. After a long pause, Ted gives a little smile and says, “Sure.” Well alrighty then.


I Wanna Put You on a Plate, and Sop You Up With a Biscuit!
Brian is wearing a lovely pinstripe suit and having lunch with a new client. It’s a blondish woman who’s name we never get so we’ll call her Angela Bower. She’s saying that there was a study conducted that said by the age of 35 women are all but invisible to men. And what study is that? I’m guessing it was conducted by the He-Man Woman Haters division of QAF’s We Hate Heteros branch. Brian guesses that Angela wants to make women visible again. Angela continues, “Our new anti-aging cream offers hope, more confidence, and less wrinkles. All we need is a brilliant campaign and a perfect product name.” Brian looks a little perplexed by this. I don’t think he’s ever handled a woman’s account before which is sad considering how WILDLY successful Kinetic has been. Brian is sure he can come up with something, and Angela gushes about how “you men are so damn lucky that you never have to worry about such things.” Right, tell it to Ted lady. This woman is such a hater! Behind her we see Toni McFugly at another table. Why doesn’t Brian realize he’s being stalked? Toni’s staring at Brian rather creepily and looking rather Patrick Bateman-ish. Brian is all distracted, but tells Angela to not be so sure that men have it easier. Suddenly he gets an epiphany and says, “Visible. That’s the name of your new product.” “Visible, I like that.” Angela says. Well of course you like it, you’ve only said it 15 times during this scene. Toni McFugly gets up to use the restroom, and Brian excuses himself and quickly follows.


Bathrooms of Piss and Passion
First of all, let me say that this is the most gorgeous men’s bathroom I’ve ever seen. It has those fabulous bowls as sinks that I LOVE and the funnest red plexi-glass walls surrounding the urinals. I want to say that it’s either the one we saw in the very first season (which may have been at Brian’s office), or it’s very reminiscent of it. If it’s reminiscent on purpose, I might have to give the show a subtle point. Because we know that one of Brian’s sexiest scene’s is when he pulled a client into a stall and just went make out crazy on him, so we’d expect the same thing here.

Toni McFugly is standing at the middle urinal and Brian goes to the one on the right, then on the left. Him and Toni exchange sex eyes. Toni looks a whole lot better with his hair back. He’s wearing a gray suit with a cornflower blue shirt. He’s still fug, but definitely less fug. Toni zips up and then leaves Brian smiling. It’s a very long odd moment, like you can tell Brian is perplexed. I don’t think he knows if he’s been dissed or hit on. I feel your confusion baby!


The Diner Soon to be Known As Deb’s Again (oh we all knew it was coming!)
We open with Deb holding the adorable, but irritatingly named JR. “Aren’t you glad your asshole parents worked through their shit? Yes, because now Gramma can hold you without one of them thinking I’m a goddamn traitor.” Yeah Deb, because the whole custody of JR thing was all about you. Jerk. Melanie laughs and tells Deb she sure knows how to sweet-talk a baby. Deb says she’s just glad it all worked out, but Mel says, “We’ll see.” Oh Lord please let that story line be over and done with! But knowing the show… sigh. There’s a new waitress at the diner in the form of a tranny named KiKi. Don’t even get me started. Some queen asks where his check is and Kiki hilariously replies, “I already grew tits, you want me to grow another hand?” Heh, I’m so using that from now on.

Mel says that things aren’t quite the same since Deb left. Because evidently there were no such things as unsatisfied customers when Deb worked there. She never got complaints of cold food, and piss poor service and that side of attitude she insists on adding free with each meal. You see when Deb was working at the diner, gay marriage and adoption became fully legalized, Bush disappeared from office, and Michael took his place. The war ended in Iraq and it was in fact Bo who won American Idol. All these things and more fell into place when Deb worked together, and since she’s quit, it hasn’t been the same. Except, you know, when Rosietta was working there… moving on.

Deb’s been feeling really bad lately, she says that she could barely muster up enough strength to come out today. Mel asks if Deb has been to see a doctor and Deb says five of them and they’ve all said that nothing is wrong. Suddenly there are lots of mean requests thrown at our Kiki who finally just cannot cope anymore! “I’m a tranny on the edge of a nervous breakdown!” S/he screams. Might I just interject that Kiki makes the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen? Thank you. Deb gets up and comes to the rescue by delivering orders, tickets, and cream. She’s frickin wonder woman and suddenly order is restored in the diner; you just know she’ll milk Kiki for the tips! Mel sees this display and is impressed. She thinks she knows what Deb’s problem is. “BFM.” Deb thinks it sound serious, I think it sounds like initials. Deb asks what it is and Mel gives a little smile, “Bored out of your Fucking Mind!” She could have added a “syndrome” on the end for kicks, but you know. Deb contemplates this and knows that Melanie is right. If Deb is so bored, why doesn’t she volunteer, she has a frickin’ AIDS hospice in her brother’s name, why not there. There are so many other things she could be doing with her time besides socializing and making money for herself. Whatever Deb, whatever show!


Channel 5: Disaster Ho, I mean, Queer Guy!
I hate this scene so much. I tried to watch it with sound, but to no avail. Finally I just turned on the closed captioning so if some of the dialog is off, I apologize. Emmett is trying to be sexy and getting on my god dang nerves. I’ve never disliked Emmett, but this seems to go against everything he is. I mean, even the most outrageous things make a modicum of sense if you understand Em’s character, but this is just ridiculous. Emmett, aka Fetch Dixon, who jacked off for an internet porn site, doesn’t think he’s sexy? Emmett has a pair of gross boxers and says that they are not in style anymore. Well not those Em, but there are still some sexy boxers out there. I prefer a boxer brief on a man myself, but it’s a personal taste. He pulls out a pair of briefs that will be sure to cause some friction. Y’all, you know what I’m going to say right? Gay gay gay gay gay! The briefs are teal blue and seem to be a couple of sizes to small for Emmett. They have a full bottom, but the front is contoured to hold just one thing, well, one thing, and two little things.

“These will show off your nice, tight assets. Notice the pouch on the front, you could stuff a sock in there if you needed the help, or a hamster if you’d like.” I don’t know if rodents + genitalia = fun, but whatever floats your boat. I will say that Emmett looks FABU is in this scene. He’s wearing chocolate brown slacks with a matching tie and cotton candy pink shirt. He has the cutest leather tie pin that’s in the shape of a flower. So adorable. Emmett informs his viewing audience that he certainly doesn’t need the calvary to come to his rescue for his cup is filled to the brim. I thought Emmett said he was a grower and not a shower, but whatev. Besides, not only is that statement gross, but it’s alienating all of his “short tort” fans out there. During this Kent Brockman is sipping from a bottle of water rather nonchalantly so you can’t really tell when he became upset. He says that the whole rimming thing is another topic that he’ll get to, just not tonight. “I’m your Channel 5 Queer Guy, be fabulous.”

When Emmett says this he gives a little wink and if you pause it just right, it looks like he’s either having a fit, or doing the bomb imitation of the wicked witch of the west. It makes the scene easier to watch.

Jake Anders and Asian reporter Miri Yamasushi are at a loss for words. Jake finally says, “thanks for the brief report.” They go out on commercial and Kent Brockman rushes up to Emmett furiously. “I thought you were going to talk about hair waxing?” Emmett says that while hair waxing is vital, it’s not sexy. “Sexy? Who wants sexy?” Kent asks. Emmett tries to joke by saying, “[Kent Brockman], you’ve only been married a few weeks and already you can make a statement like that, you may need counseling!” Kent is not having it though, “and you may need unemployment insurance.” Doesn’t Kent realize that Emmett has another job on the side that more than likely pays more than this, and in fact, is the way he met Emmett in the first place? He does? Oh, he was going for the effect? Okay, I’m with you now Kent baby!

Emmett is confused, but Kent tells him to never show his shorts again. Emmett insists it’s just underwear, but if that were the case, you wouldn't have shown them so stop making excuses Em. I’ve never been this upset with you and I was with you went you went straight so it’s time to own up buddy!

Kent says that he wants Em’s undies kept off air, and that the public doesn’t need to know Em has a tight… “Ass?” Em answers indignantly. Kent Brockman looks uncomfortably at Jake Anders and Miri Yamasushi. Jake Anders does this hilarious, “I’m not with him!” shrug and him and Miri Yamasushi scatter off. Kent goes on to say that we also don’t need to know that Em has a big… “Dick!?” or that Em likes to… “FUCK?! Well here’s news for you, I do!”

Kent Brockman (who will return to being Don in future recaps) tells Em, “well from now on, stick to cooking and flowers, and turning straight guys into metrosexuals. And leave your sex life off screen!” He walks off and yells at someone to get “McGregor” on the phone. Well, I think Ewan’s kind of busy these days, and knowing him his whole segment would be filled with nothing but dick shots and glitter so I don’t know if that’s a step in the right direction. I mean, I know I’d watch, but it might not be for everyone. Emmett is not pleased.

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