by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

Previously on QAF:

Briandon compete in their little “fuck-off”

Michael gets cut off in a very weird edit while talking about Brian.

Justin’s sorry. Just generally.

MeLinds have an in house separation which had smashing results for Oliver and Barbara Rose so it should work wonders for them!

Ben is enthusiastic that Hunters coming back, but I hear Santa Fe is nice this time of year so I’m not so sure.

Brandon goes to Brian’s to deliver his booty and Brian says, NO! It doesn’t faze Brandon though, because Brian’s the wiener.

Credits: You know the drill. Though there is a part where Deb smacks the crap out of Michael that I would really like if I didn’t dislike Deb so much.

Getting Off (on) the Island

We hear several grunts and groans and clashes and clangs as we open on MiBen getting it on in the kitchen! They are going at it rather enthusiastically and you can tell from the state of dishevelment that this was a spontaneous move. Michael’s shirt is half off and his pants are around his left ankle. Ben’s shirt is completely off (it’s Ben, it was probably already off, and that’s okay) and his pants are around his ankles. He is doing Mikey from the back and the difference in the size of their thighs is highly evident. Ben is just so frickin’ mgjdlfdfj. That’s how I feel about him, he’s beyond words, that boy. So they are getting it on and Ben turns Mikey around and they go to great pains not to show his dick and Hal is playing the mess out of this part! Ben hikes Mikey’s leg over his shoulder and they proceed to get busy. If Hal’s foot had webbing, it would look just like Kevin Costner’s in Water World. Just thought I’d mention that. I also need to make a mental note to make sure my kitchen has counters like this when I move. Everyone that has kitchen sex on this show has one of those and they really are convenient.

Anyhoodle, This scene provides some of the best lines of the scene, which consist of a combination of Mikey sex noises (“right there, don’t stop!”), and the sexiest thing to ever come out of Ben’s mouth, “Feel good baby?!”, and “Grrrr!” Hot, adorable, and considerate all at the same time. Suddenly they hear the doorbell ring. My goodness that was hot, I know because I watched it 25 times. Uhh, for accuracy of course… the things I do for you people. Mikey yells out he’s coming both to Ben and the door, now that’s some multitasking right there! I love this because he actually makes Ben finish before opening the door, and then he opens the door fully dressed so you know whoever was outside was there for a while. I guess that’s one of the benefits to Ben not having a job and Mikey owning his own place that’s only open for important conversations and vandalism [SPOILER!], you can have sex at the most random of times.

Mikey opens the doors to two women, one black one white, there to talk to them about Prop 14. Their names are Charlotte and Amanda, and they tell Mikey how important it is to protect the Holy bonds of matrimony and the sanctity of the American family. Heh, I said titty. See? That’s what happens when you hear the same thing over and over again, you make childish dirty jokes about them. You know, if QAF is trying to subliminally get this prop 14 ball stopped then they’re going about it the wrong way. Where are the catchy Stop Prop 14 sayings? I fell asleep downstairs the other night and woke up screaming “Send them to the CAMPS!”, and "Family VALUES!" It was rather disturbing, I need something to counter it like, “Hey, Shut UP, we like it up the butt!” or “Vote no or your momma’s a ho!”. I don’t know, on campaigns I was never in charge of the sayings, y’all come up with something and let me know.

Okay, let’s talk about this scene. Charlotte is doing her thang acting wise, but this might be Amanda’s first speaking role. You can tell she’s a recent graduate of The Overacting Black Theater Academy, but she’s trying to tone it down for this particular role (Canadian roles are always a little more laid back, it’s probably due to the free prescription drugs and gay marriage). The problem is that everything she says is over enunciated so it comes out sounding kind of funny. They ask Mikey if he’s married and when he says yes, they tell him they’d love to talk to his wife. Michael calls Ben and tells him that two very nice ladies at the door would like to talk to them about Prop 14. Amanda asks if Michael has any children to which he replies a son and a daughter. Amanda says, “Ah, that’s won-der-ful ha ha ha ha.” I wish I could illustrate how funny this was on paper, but you really had to be there. Ben of course comes to the door shirtless (never a problem) and proceeds to molest (the good kind) Michael as Michael introduces Ben as his lawfully wedded husband. The ladies are flabbergasted, but Amanda’s “Oh No They Didn’t!” face is the best. They tell the ladies that they are doing everything in their power to defeat proposition 14. Now we all knew that was going to happen, and usually I rag on the Expo Fairy, or the Thievin’ Fairy for times like this, but I’ll give them a pass because this scene was funny and provided the best reading of “I see” from Charlotte, and “Okay” from Amanda, that I’ve ever heard in my life. I cracked up! As the women take their leave Ben thanks them for stopping by and Mikey assures them that they’ll be rockin’ the vote. Ben throws in a b-bye and I laugh for days!

I’d Like Ted to Look Different… To Go

Ted, Emmett, and Brian are all at the diner lunchin’ away. Ted exchanges glances with some little puffenstuffs walking by that peak Emmett’s attention. Emmett tells Ted he noticed the little eyes he’s been giving. Ted acts innocent, but Emmett says he knows the eye well, “[It] can indicate only one thing, that your assss is as thore as mine.” Emmett has a lisp on the oddest words, it’s so cute. Brian wants to know if there’s anyone in Torontosburgh that Teddy hasn’t boned, and Ted says if they don’t replenish the supply he’ll be forced to move to Ottawadelphia. Another guy comes by and winks at Ted prompting Emmett to give this fun little look like, WTF?! Ted says that he always wondered what it would be like to be able to get any guy he wants and now he knows. Emmett asks him how it feels and Ted stumbles while saying it’s great. We hear the door open and Ted excitedly announces Michael’s arrival to get the attention off of him. Emmett gives Ted a little look that says, “I’m on to you!”, but he doesn’t say anything right then. Michael greets Emmett and Ted but stops short when he sees Brian. Brian is sitting on the inside of the booth and pulls out some money to pay for his lunch. He excuses himself and basically pushes Emmett out of the booth to leave. Michael says he has to go back to the comic book store.

Mikey goes to the counter and Deb asks if he had a busy day. Michael rambles about some huge comic book order off of eBay and how it will take all day to sort them. Deb is wearing a yellow shirt with purple lettering on it and a purple hand. The shirt says, “If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.” Heh. Anyhow, I think the best part about this is that we all know Deb could give two craps about his day and really just wants to know when him and Brian are getting back together, but she’s trying to do it on the sneak. The problem is that we know Michael needs a ton of bricks to get anything, and Deb is impatient as hell. She tells Michael that he’ll need some food to get him through the rest of the day and is about to take his order but finally says screw it and asks if Brikey (hee! Sorry.) will ever talk again. Michael’s about to tell her to stay out his bidness, his bidness, but Deb continues that they have been friends and brothers since childhood, and she can’t believe they’re going to throw away a life long friendship over some childish disagreement. She goes on to say that she knows what she’s talking about and I think that’s supposed to be a nod back to the argument she and Vic had before he died, but I think this Brikey argument is something completely different.

Michael thinks so too, “It’s not childish, and it’s not just a disagreement. He disrespects every choice I made, he mocks me for wanting a family, and a home. He calls me a defector, he even blames me for his and Justin’s breakup, he says I infected him.” Then Mikey goes into Mikey-speak with the whole, “’he/she/they’ can ‘do/say/think/feel’ whatever ‘he/she/they’ want, ‘I really don’t care/it doesn’t really matter/it’s fine by me’” He then orders the tuna fish on whole wheat, with a lemon bar, hold the remarks. Deb obliges. Just a side note. I went to Great Wolf Lodge (which got old after 6 hours of screaming kids, but quickly renewed itself when I discovered the poolside bar and grill) and they had the most succulent lemon bars I ever had! They were absolutely scrumptious! So if you ever go to the GWL in Kansas City, get the lemon bars!