by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

This Just In: Emmett is Dumb!

Emmett tells his viewers that a smartly folded napkin is the way to impress the ladies and get into their hearts. He’s about to add their pants, but stops short. You see this is what I hate, because the problem wasn’t that he was racy or sassy, it was that he made the show about him and his ginormous penis. Which was not the purpose of his segment. Anyhow, Emmett gets a little thrown off, and we see the spark has left his segment. Jake Anders doesn’t even have a witty remark to end the show with! Emmett is packing up and I notice that there are like six different swanraffes on the table and nothing else, that’s kind of funny that he used his entire segment to make just one animal over and over again, and they are pretty ugly, oh well. Don comes up and tells Emmett that was a cute segment. Don doesn’t even know what the word cute means. He tells Emmett that the station wants to do a Queer Guy special where he prepares and serves a hot gourmet meal for a hot, straight couple. Emmett says that maybe after they can fuck while Emmett does the dishes. Don cracks up at this and I scratch my head. First of all, what kind of special is that? The purpose of QG is to educate right? Wouldn’t a better special be to show the man how to prepare the meal for his lady friend? I think the show realized that this situation wasn’t as homophobic as they needed so they really wanted to push home that Don and Channel 5 were a bunch of heterosexual homo haters. To further prove this point, Bud Locke (yummy!) comes with some news for Don. Apparently Drew has granted Bud an exclusive interview to talk about the allegations that he’s a “fag”. Do they not see Emmett standing right there? And why is that such a fun word to toss around Torontosburgh? You can best believe that if someone decided to nigger up Lincoln, Ne in my presence, there’s going to be some consequences and repercussions! I will say in Bud’s defense that he just kind of says, “Fahhhh” and CC says “Fag”. I know it doesn’t help any, but he’s so cute, I always go after the bigots, it’s the social reformist in me.

Don and Bud run off the share the news and stroke their hard-ons over the wicked awesome, channel 7 butt kicking, ratings their going to get as a result of the interview. Can’t wait!

Beth Woody’s

We follow who I thought was Ted into Woody’s, but it ends up being Random Jewenstein. He leads us inside and then the camera takes us on a mini-tour of all the eligible Jewish bachelors before finally stopping on Ted. Wow, there are a lot of gay, single Jews in Torontosburgh, so if anyone is looking to convert, that’s the place to go. Ted orders a cran and tonic and as he’s about to leave the bar he runs into a man spilling his drink. The man reminds me a bit of Bobby Cannavale mixed with someone that I can’t put my finger on. You can tell that the man did this on purpose because he was standing there the entire time. It’s very cute in how coy it was. Well, it was either that, or casting and staging thinks we’re idiots and wouldn’t recognize Bobby Jewnnavalenstein after two seconds. Ted apologizes profusely and says he’ll get the sweater cleaned but Bobby tells him to fahgeddaboutit! He offers another drink and when Bobby orders a diet Pepsi, Ted is surprised. It turns out that Bobby only drinks for special occasions, and then only a glass of wine here or there. Ted looks like he’s died and gone to heaven and introduces himself with a hearty “Shalom!” Adam Bernstein returns the “Shalom” with a firm handshake and a sexy eye. Now, I assumed that Ted was Jewish, but then it was correctly identified that he wasn’t. Doesn’t he know that Jews only get with other Jews? Or at least Jews that are devout enough to remain Jewish and gay and go to Woody’s for temple mixers? Am I way off base here? This seemed odd to me from the beginning that Mel would even suggest it, but whatev.

Ted and Adam take a seat and ask about each other’s professions. Ted says he works at an ad agency but is mostly an accountant. Adam’s brother is an accountant and snnzzzzzzz. Whoa! Sorry y’all, I literally fell asleep at the exact same moment every time I watch this part of the ep. Adam is a urologist and Ted clarifies that that means he’s a mother thrilling doctor. Someone sent me a video of a “urologist” measuring the dicks of several young men. I don’t think this urologist was accredited, but he was very thorough about his work. That doesn’t have much to do with anything, except that later we’ll see how you can’t fool a urologist, and a Jewish one at that. Ted asks what Adam likes to do besides feel up men’s prostates. Adam replies that he’s a tennis fanatic to boot. Ted asks if he likes opera and Adam says he hates it, but he loves the ballet. First of all, wouldn’t the opera thing send up a red flag? Since you like to play it during sex? I’m just saying, it sounds like something that’s definitely going to play a factor in the future. Adam has season tickets and cutely asks Ted to go. Ted winks those pretty little perfect lashes of his and smiles. This would be cute if it weren’t so doomed.

Trapped in the Attic; Parts One Through Five

Ben is at the table working on something, and Michael comes in carrying the Stop Prop 14 sign. Ben says he just put one of those on the front lawn and Michael correctly identifies that as being the same sign, “Aren’t we doing enough? Canvassing, boycotting, do we really need this too?” Ben says it’s a sign of solidarity and even MontEli have one in their yard! Heh, I love the way he says that. Like MontEli are such assimilationist dorks (which they are, especially Monte who I love now) that for them to have a sign means that everyone should have a sign. It’s true, it’s like last week we went to Worlds of Fun and the kids wanted to get on the Boomerang, and their mom was teasing me all, “Even Erik and Nick (my 9 and 10 y/o nephews) are going to get on!” I still didn’t go, but I felt very ashamed, I believe the same logic works here. Mikey says good for them, they can also wear pink triangles on their sleeve. Sigh, okay Mikey, I need you to simma down! So does Ben, he tells him there’s no need to get excited. Mikey starts to make internal plans for his state of the art hidden panic room and says that Ben can say that when they’re all being rounded up and put into camps. Ben says fine, if Mikey doesn’t want to put out the sign, then they won’t put it out.

Michael is visibly frustrated and tells Ben that he knows Ben thinks he’s overreacting, but he would hate for something terrible to happen because they didn’t listen to the warnings. Dang it Mikey, don’t try to tug at my heartstrings now! I’m still very upset with you young man! Aww pookie pie…

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