by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

Make Your Own Kind of Music

We open on the delicious Bud Locke, and I wonder if he really talks this way, or if he graduated from OABTA with emphasis in overenunciation like Amanda? He’s announcing a very special interview with the one and only Drew Boyd. Bud says that he would like to address the “sex allegations” of Boyd Like Boys in the weekly rag. Drew says it’s been a very tough time for him and the sooner that he addresses the allegations the better. Bud goes on to say that Drew and him have known each other for 15 years. They played ball together and he always thought of Drew as being a man’s man. So Bud knew he was gay all along? Ohhh, that’s an expression that means you like the tang! I get it now, thanks backwards logic!

Now before I go on, I would just like a show of hands of people who have ever seen a segment like this ever. I mean ever people! Meaning, how much trouble would this station get into if it were so blatantly on air anti-homosexual? Bud’s not even trying to act like gay equals anything but icky here, it’s insulting not just to black sportscasters, and gay, but to people who view the news and well, pretty much everyone. This whole scene is out of order!

Ahem, sorry about that. Anyhoodle, Drew would like to first say that a lot of those stories are lie and complete exaggerations. Bud says that’s a relief to a lot of his fans (and yet a disappointment to many more). Drew continues though, and here’s where it gets good, that if Bud’s asking if he’s gay…wait for it, wait for it, savor the anticipation. Before I continue I would like to talk about the world in general. Did you know that there are several thousands of – huh? You don’t care? Get to the point? Oh fine, Drew’s GAY!!!! He’s a poofta, a shirt tail lifter, a knob polisher, a hot pockeroo! In short he’s a disco dancin', Oscar Wilde readin', Streisand ticket holdin' friend of Dorothy, know what I'm sayin'?

And that’s not even the best part of this scene. You see, everyone is shocked and let me tell you that nobody does awkward silence like the Channel 5 news team! Jake Anders (who is da MAN!) is all, Who in the what now? and Bud is attempting to look disgusted, but he looks like he’s trying to figure out a way to slip Drew his number. Finally they realize they’re still on the air and Bud says he can’t believe it! “A guy like you?”, and Drew says, “Yeah, a guy like me!” You know he wants to add, “And almost a guy like you if you had just one more mai tai at the pool party last year.” but our Drew is a man of class. Bud says he can’t even picture Drew kissing another guy, then he points in Emmett’s direction and says, “not like him.” HahaHAhaHA!! Okay, now off the cuff we all have Emmett’s reaction of, “Excuse me?!” which has just enough of, “Oh no bitch di’n’t!” snap* to make it perfect. But you know how your humble recapper likes to go just a bit deeper…

You see Bud says, “ I can’t even picture you kissing a guy, not like him.” Does that mean that a)Bud has pictured Drew kissing guys, not as fem as Emmett, but that were more masculine… and black, and bald, and report sports for channel 5?, or b)Bud can’t picture Drew kissing a guy like he pictures Emmett kissing a guy that just so happens to be black, and bald, and reports sports for channel 5? I guess you could go with the original answer of Bud thinks gays are ickypoo, but I prefer my answers much better. Drew says as a matter of fact it was Emmett Honeycutt that gave Drew the courage not to just be a “man’s man”, but to be a “man’s man”, I mean, his own man. Drew says he’d like to thank Emmett and gets up, walks over to Em and plants a big sexy kiss on him in front of the entire television viewing audience. I am shocked and appalled there was no music during this part of the scene, so I decided to make my own kind of music by way of the Beautiful Thing soundtrack. If you haven’t seen that movie, then go do so at once, it is perfection. Okay, so you know that scene in the forest where they’re like playing tag and that Mama Cass song is playing. It goes perfectly here too.

So here we go, “You’re gonna be out there (da na da), the loneliest kind (SMOOCHY!) of lonely! It may be rough going, but to do your things the hardest thing to do!”

Jake Anders composes himself and says that they’ll be right back. We hear someone say, “and we’re out!” which is either very good timing on the show’s behalf, or a great coincidence. Emmett looks slightly perplexed, and Drew just looks proud as he throws his arm around Emmett’s shoulders.

Artsy Fartsy

We are at Lindsay’s pretension exhibition and see several people pouring over the art. Justin is wearing this black sweater and seriously, all he needs is a scarf, some dark Lennon glasses, a fake accent, crazy hair, and one of those long cigarette holders, and he would be such the Diva arteest! Lindsay introduces him to one Mr. Simon Caswell who’s an art critic for Art Forum magazine. Mr. Simon Caswell says that Linds is always trying to convince him to come to Torontosburgh, but he tells her “Worholzit”, but this time he could be wrong. Sorry y’all, CC fart, and I have no idea what he’s trying to say other than, “No”. He gives Justin the once over and as he turns to examines Justin’s work, Justin gives Linds an “ewww!” look. Don’t worry Just, I got the same look over here! Mr. Simon Caswell says that Justin’s work has a surprising intensity to it, especially for someone so young, and hot, and sexy and we get it MSC wants to jump Justin’s bones. He asks Justin what made him want to be an artist to which Justin replies, “It was either that or be a mass murderer, heh heh heh.” Heh, now that was funny mostly in part to the slightly wide crazy eyes Justin gives. MSC gives a few Heh’s of his own and says Justin is very amusing. He gives Lindsay a double cheek kiss and says he’ll be in touch. As he leaves Linds has an artgasm and tells Justin to remember this moment. Justin asks why since the guy was a cunt. Linds clarifies that he’s a very influential cunt. Justin mutters, “he’s a cunt” under his breath and makes me smile. I’m so polar when it comes to Justin, I either love to love to love him, or I can’t stand his bratty little guts.

Mel and Corinne come up and tell Justin that everyone’s abuzz about his work. Evidently everyone is saying that this should be a one man show and I’d like to give that a yeah, and a right. Mel reintroduces Corinne to Linds and Linds lies that she’s glad Corinne could come. Mel says she needs a refill and makes a great show of getting all handsy with Corinne. As they walk off, Justin asks Linds if she’s okay with it. She abruptly asks what else she’s supposed to do and Justin suggests his former career choice of mass murder. Justin’s sweater has a blue stripe right across the chest, and another that goes up his chest and to his left shoulder. It’s oddly flattering. Linds laughs a little bit and I’m just now noticing what she’s wearing, but I still don’t get it. All I know is that it contains an awkwardly placed bowtie. Huh. Brian comes up and tells us that art openings are such gay occasions. Linds says it’s even more so now that Brian is here. They give each other little kissies and Linds takes her leave.

Brian looks at the work in front of him and asks if it’s Justin’s. Justin confirms and asks if he likes it. The rest of their banter is stupid passive aggressive crap except when Brian says, “If I liked it, would it make it good?” and Justin says, “No…” but he does so in the most wimpering puppy voice ever that breaks my heart. Brian goes on with this crap and finally asks why Justin gives a fuck what he thinks. I didn’t catch this the first time, but as he says this some hottie walks in front of them. Brian check him out, and then Justin checks Brian checking him out. Justin is noticeably frustrated and Brian says that he thinks it’s exquisite and that Justin should be very proud. Then he leaves saying it’s been a long time since he’s fucked an art (ist, teacher, critic? Darn you CC and mumbly Gale!). Justin’s feeling rather bitchy and wouldn’t you know it, Tuck is all alone! Let’s go see what he’s up to shall we?

Justin goes up to Tuck and guesses that he doesn’t know art, but he knows what he likes. Tucker says he likes Magritte, Ce’zanne, and Jons (Just to let you know, I actually knew these artists, and CC SUX!). Tucker says he did go to college, and that he likes Justin’s work. Justin says that Tucker also likes his mother. Way to segue huh Justin? Tuckers says that he does like Jennifer and Justin asks him if he has a mother of his own. Heh, though I want to strangle him right now, you got to admit that the kid’s got cajones! Tucker says he likes Jen because she’s smart and sexy! Justin asks if they’ve consummated their relationship and Tucker (and boy do I hate that name!) says that doesn’t concern Justin. Justin says that 25 goes into 50 a lot more than 50 goes into 25. And… yeah, it does, twice to be exact… idiot. Tucker comes back with, “Except in your case,” and then looks at Brian across the room, “although to be fair he’s not quite that old is he.” I love that a) Jen told Tucker all about Brian, b) that Tucker thought to use that against Justin, and c) that Brian is blatantly touching the art.

Tucker says that Jen’s an “Aaadult” and so is he, and they are free to love (ooh!) each other without her child’s approval. Justin says that he’s her son, and he’s an adult. Tucker nods and says “(*snap) Okay, then act like one (BITCH!).” You can tell where I added dialogue.

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