by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

We move over to Ted who is gushing about all the single Jewish men in the city. I would hold back the enthusiasm Teddy, they’re probably single for a reason. Ted decides to go all the way though and even calls them Mr. and Mrs. Adam Bernstein. He asks how that sounds, and Ben says, “Mazeltov!” He probably thinks that’s Yiddish for “Stupid!” Brian comes and grabs Mikey out of the crowd. Mikey complains that he was in the middle of a conversation, but Brian assures him that Theodore can regale him with tales of Yeshiva later. I don’t know. Brian kind of stops and looks at Mikey who’s like, “What? What do you want?” Brian takes a deep breath and tells Michael that if he’s happy being a Stepford fag, then he should go for it. Now Brian should have stopped there, but that’s not like our Bri. He goes on to say that if Michael wants to be the biggest Stepford fag in the world than it’s fine with him. I kind of like the juxtaposition of this scene right after the scene where he tells Justin that it doesn’t matter what he thinks.

Michael, of course, ain’t havin’ it. He asks Brian if that was supposed to be an apology. Brian doesn’t quite know what to do so he goes to what used to be the fail-safe hug. Mikey pushes him back and asks if Brian is afraid he’ll infect him, and while I empathize with Brian, I can see Mikey’s point. Mikey tries to make it sound like they’ve outgrown each other, and they’ve been friends their entire lives doesn’t mean they have to stay friends. He goes on to say that they have nothing in common anymore so they should just admit the Brian and Mikey show is over. The thing I hate about this is that Michael is too stubborn to admit that he still love Brian. What he hates is that Brian still doesn’t realize how much he hurt Mikey, and Mikey’s doing that, “Well if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” test of friendship thing that has never worked in the past, and sure ain’t workin’ here. Mikey walks off back to his conversation and gives a slight look back. Brian looks dejected. It’s a sad time for Brikey y’all, a sad time.

The Longest Yard

Emmett is looking at his Queer Guy headshot and Drew offers him some scotch. Emmett says that usually he doesn’t take his drinks straight (ba dum ba!), but this time he’ll make an exception. Drew hands him the glass and apologizes for getting Emmett fired. Ha! I don’t care, that’s hilarious. Emmett says he may have lost his job, but at least he’s not considered sexless anymore. Wait a minute, does that mean the sexless storyline is done for good? Yippee!! Someone pour me snifter of brandy! Emmett can’t believe that Drew kissed him and wonders why he did it. Drew says that first rule of the game is to always protect your teammates. That will factor in later, but for now it’s very sweet. Drew says that since now they are on the same team he was covering Emmett’s ass, and repaying Raymond Oswald. Raymond was an effeminate “fag” that went to Drew’s highschool. Emmett says he knows the type. Is there a waiting time between the time you announce your gay and the time you can start saying fag? I wonder about that sometimes, don’t ask why, it will just make your head hurt. They completely brutalized Raymond and eventually the poor boy had to transfer schools. This story reminds me of a chapter I read in the Buddies series by Ethan Mordden (and sweet holy crap I just found out he’s doing a conclusion book! Eeee! He wasn't supposed to do another one, but I'm so glad he is, I live for this man's work! Sooo.. if anyone uhh, wants to.. you know.. ummm... arrrr aaa... **cough* drjulia99*cough**) where Dennis Savage is talking about how he gay bashed a kid (he was gay himself) and the mob mentality and how he wished he could make it up to him. Huh, that was an odd thing, I know I had a point before I began it, but I was looking up the Mordden link and I saw he had a new book coming out and you know the rest. Sorry. Anyhow, Drew says that Emmett was his atonement for Raymond. Emmett asks Drew how he feels now that he’s out and Drew replies with the answer we’ve all been waiting for, HORNY! We get some nice football inspired techno music, Emmett downs his scotch, and there’s some heavy kissing, but I’m waiting for the rough Drew I’ll bang you into the wall and make you want IT Boyd sex I’m used to. And here it is, they start to tear off each other’s clothes and Drew throws Emmett over his back and carries him upstairs. Emmett (looking like he’s about to fall off, and completely loving it) slaps Drew’s butt and yells “I Love FOOTBALL!” Don’t we all baby? Don’t we all.

Mrs. & Mrs. MeLinds

Mel comes in late and it’s obvious she’s a little shitfaced. She hangs up her coat and turns around to see Lindsay sitting in the dark. “Shhiiiiiittttt!” She says as she freaks out. Ha! I cracked up when that happened because I probably would have done the same thing. Linds tells Mel that she’ll wake the children and Mel says she probably woke the dead, “You scared the fucking crap out of me!” Linds replies with a short,”Sorry”. Mel asks why Linds is sitting in the dark and Linds says because she felt like it. Well alrighty then. Linds gets up and heads towards the kitchen. Mel follows (looking smokin’ hott by the way) and Linds pours herself a cup of cocoa. Mel asks if there’s enough, but Linds says she only made enough for her. She tells Mel that it’s after 3am. Mel says she got tied up and Linds wonders if it was satin or leather. Heh, and ewww. Mel says she was tied up talking to Corinne, but actually she doesn’t have to explain, make excuses, or apologize to Linds. Linds agrees, but asks if Mel didn’t forget about their family. During this Melanie takes out a spoon and puts honey on it and licks it. While that’s tasty, it’s also a sugar headache waiting to happen, yeesh.

Mel says that next time she’ll call, but Linds tells her not to worry about a next time. She complains that the in house separation isn’t working and it’s obviously made for someone more sophisticated and heartless than she. Mel asks what Linds suggests they do, and Linds says they should sell the house and both get separate condos. That’s the idea I said at the beginning, but now that they’re almost aboard the reconciliation train (it will happen) I don’t like it one bit. Neither does Mel. Linds says that it’s not fair that Mel get to stay and Linds has to stay in a crummy apartment. Mel says that if Linds wants to sell the house then they should start splitting stuff up now. They’ve moved into the dining room where Mel picks up a vase and asks, “What about this?” Linds says it’s Mel’s and Mel says that she gave it to Linds on one of their anniversaries. Yeah, I’m going to need Mel to gift better, maybe she could get some tips from Brian. Linds says she doesn’t want it and Mel says fine, and drops it on the floor. Ha! Linds jumps a little bit but holds herself back. Mel says it’s one less thing they have to wrap and pack. Linds decides to join in on the fun and picks up a green dish. Mel says it’s her mother’s depression glass candy dish and I know for a fact those things are worth something, so Linds was a bit wrong when she tries to drop it. Mel and her fight over it and it breaks. There’s a lot of shoving and what not and if I were a straight man (or, uhh, a lesbian), I would be so into this. Finally Mel grabs Linds and plants a big kiss on her. Linds calls her a bitch (heh) and slaps her silly. Mel, not one to be deterred, grabs Linds and throws her down on the table and proceeds to make nasty, funky, sweaty, angry love to her. It’s pretty intense y’all, at the end I called my friend Jerrod and all I had to say was, “Dang.” and he just knew.