by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

Spreading the Message: Mormon Style!

Ben is giving instructions to the Prop 14 committee on how to canvass the neighborhoods. He tells them that there may be a lot of opposition, but to, “be courteous, get the point across succinctly, and whatever happens, do not engage.” What an odd choice of words, I bet that Ben spent some time in the army. In the Navy specifically. He probably enlisted after he got married the first time to Mary Angela Flannigan of the New Jersey South shore Flannigans. She was a fast girl who chewed gum, spit chew and could give you a hummer like no other. He (his name at the time was Danny Bonaducci, an unfortunate coincidence, but more on the change later) was a goody two shoes who excelled in class, but was itching to test out his bad side. They met one day at the local drive-in that was still in business even 25 years after the drive-in craze faded out where all the cool kids met to make out. They soon became best friends.

It was the day that they consummated their relationship that Ben realized he was gay, but Mary Angela got knocked up so he decided that marrying her would be the easiest solution. Unfortunately Mary Angela lost the baby (which fueled Ben’s lust for children), and Ben realized he was stuck in a marriage with a Catholic girl who didn’t believe in divorce. So he enlisted in the Navy and one day while out to sea there was a huge explosion that killed several and left Ben with a nasty case of selective amnesia. He was reported dead, and when he came to, they local natives called him Bahn Barruckna which means Teh Hottness in their native language. With a few modifications this became Ben Bruckner and he moved unwittingly to Torontosburgh where he thinks he grew up. No one has actually met his family and only knows them through Ben’s convoluted stories.

Now that’s a backstory!

Anyhow, Deb clarifies that what Ben is trying to say is to not lose their fucking tempers or shoot off their big mouths. Everyone gets a kick out of the funny old lady using profanity and break up to begin going door to door. I will mention that there is a very pretty black girl in the mix, and there is a black guy with one of those shearling coats on that I covet and love. He looks very sleek and while I’m not fond of the black leather gloves, or the black hat he has them accompanied with, I think it’s a good look for him overall. Ted tells Mel that he hopes no one comes out swinging what with all the loot he just spent on his face. Mel gives him the necessary compliment he was fishing for and adds that he must be getting a lot of compliments. Ted says that he’s getting more than compliments (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), and Mel gives this incredulous look that’s supposed to read, “oh Teddy!”, but is actually more, “Yeah right, you same looking freak!” Ted says that something is missing and Melanie postulates that it could be a hubster missing from Ted’s life. Ted says he needs a boyfriend first, but his standards are ridiculously high. I’m sure that Gay Church boy, Blake, Drug Dealer, or any of Ted’s other boyfriends would disagree. He says he wants someone with a face and body like Brad Pitt (who doesn’t? I think straight men want someone like Brad Pitt) and who is just hung. Mel “jokes” that Ted’s wishes are absurd, and what he needs is a good Jewish man who is apparently good husband material. Because if anyone would know it would be Mel. Sigh.

Deb and Ben are at a house and an older gentleman opens the door. They start their spiel and tell him they would like a minute of his time to talk about Prop 14. The man slams the door in their face and it would seem that he was anti-gay/pro-nazi, but since they never say what side they’re on, I think that he is just sick and tired of politics. Deb and Ben leave and Deb says that it won’t be easy, but at least it gets Ben out of the house. Ben tells her that Michael said the same thing and that it will help take his mind off of “Hunner”. Deb says to give it time, but Ben says that it will take a lifetime to forget about him. God do I have to give the show another Shut Up!? Because seriously, WE.GET.IT! He misses “Hunner”, a lot. He’ll never be able to forget him which nobody has asked him todo. They just want him to stop acting like the universe is against him. Deb gives his cheek a little pat and we go to see how Justin and Jennifer are fairing. An older gentlemen has come to the door. He’s fairly harmless and seems to be quite polite so therefore he must have a handicap of some sort. Jennifer tells him they’d like to talk to him about prop 14 and Justin stresses that it’s important that he vote no. He goes on to say that if the law passes, many gays and lesbians would lose their rights. Jen piles that as a result, senior citizens could lose their social security, and women could lose the right to abortions. Sigh, yeah, and black people could lose their right to vote and women could lose their right to drive and Nicolas Cage could lose his hair… uh ohh! I hate this plotline sooo much! So anyhow, to make a long annoying scene short; man is very agreeable, but his daughter comes to the door and tells us man hasn’t voted in 10 years because he has Alzheimer’s. There, that’s your lesson, the only time that straight people aren’t the devil is if they have a debilitating disease. Thanks QAF.

Got a Better Ad Campaign?

Ted enters Brian’s office as Brian is wrapping up a call to Feldman. Brian’s promising to load Feldman up on martinis to persuade him to go along with an ad campaign. As he hands up he explains that Feldman is losing his hard on for the Home Station campaign. Okay y’all, let me explain this add to you. There are a line of men one black the rest white I think. They’re standing in this warehouse and they are all naked except for yellow hard hats and I think black rubber boots? Then they are holding this long plank of wood in front of their privates and standing to the side. I cannot tell you what this is for, all I know is that it is wack! You remember those playing cards that used to have naked men on them, but it was like, 70s porn-stache naked men? That’s what these guys look like. Don’t front like you don’t know what I’m talking about! Ted admits that the campaign is a bit suggestive, but Brian says it’s a bit genius. I think it’s a bit stupid, but I’m not the one in the big comfy chair now am I?

They leave the office and Ted invites Brian to Beth Immanuel’s mixer. At first Brian thinks it’s a chick’s house, but Ted says it’s a temple that’s having a gay men’s get together at Woody’s.

Okay. Umm, now I don’t know too much about Jewish people, but isn’t homosexuality frowned upon? What I mostly hate about the gay Jewish night is that Torontosburgh evidently has the highest percentage of gays per capita (2^nd only to Lincoln, Ne) in the world, including but not limited to: gay Jews, gay pro-football players, gay clergy, and gay senators, but they still have a problem defeating Prop 14? Whatever show!

Teddy explains he wants to meet a mensche (sp? MS Spell Checks says: Menace or Mince) and get a husband. Brian laments that he’s the only fag that doesn’t want to walk down the aisle. Ted tells us that he’s not getting any younger and he’ll be 35 this year. Brian thankfully corrects him and says 39. Ted is flabbergasted, but Brian says, “I’m your employer! There’s a paper trail.” Ha! And he uses inflection y’all! It’s completely adorable. Brian suggests inviting Justin since he’s in the market for a hubster. Ted backs off, but Brian says that though there are many certainties in life, the one that remains constant is the he will never be Mrs. Seymour Goldfarb. So basically by the next ep he’ll be Mrs. Seymour Goldfarb. I wouldn’t go outside in Torontosburgh anytime soon, it seems to be raining anvils.