By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

I’m Just Not That Into Jews

Melanie and Corinne are walking down the street holding hands as Melanie remarks about the frigidness of the weather. Corinne says that Mel can go back to her place and she’ll warm her up. I don’t see how that’s possible since her height would block all forms of heat supply, but she’s a resourceful girl evidently so I’m sure they’ll find a way. Or not, as Mel begins to make excuses and finally just stops. Corinne says she knows what’s going on and Mel tells her that it’s not her. Corinne agrees and says she knows it’s not her, it’s Lindsay. Mel is flabbergasted, but knows Corinne is right. She asks Corinne what gave away her still present infatuation with her ex. Corinne tells a story of penguins and how when her dad left her mom, no matter what the subject was she would turn it back to being about her dad. When Corinne would say penguins, her mom would say, “Your father hated wearing a tuxedo.” She says that Melanie is the same way, “Julia Roberts; Lindsay got her hair cut like Julia Roberts (is that what the problem was? That she said Julia, but got Julia Stiles instead?). The French hate Americans; Lindsay makes a great bouillabaisse.” Mel says that she didn’t realize, and Corinne asks how she could. She says that referring to Linds is a natural to Mel as blinking. She asks Mel to be fair next time though, and that until she can look at a tube of toothpaste without referencing Linds’ perfect smile, to not let a poor girl think she’s got a chance. To that I give a big STFU to Corinne. You knew full well that Melanie just had a baby, and had just gotten out of a 10-year relationship. Mel made every effort to resist you and you just had to get all up in that. SHUT UP Corinne. My only solace from this scene is that it’s the last time we see Corinne, and now the gateways are once again open for MeLinds! Right? Right!?

Brikey on the Brocks

Ted is going on about some new guy they have to replace Drew. Brian and Ted drool over his abs and when Brian asks if he’s straight, Ted says that he has 14 teenage girls that will swear under oath that he raped them. Right, because underage rape is better than gay, shut up show, you are so not slick. Brian asks when they can get him and Ted says they’ll have him booked on the next flight. Brian is happy and we hear a knock on the door. It turns out to be Michael much to the surprise of all involved, but mostly Teddy. “Wow, Michael, it’s a surprise to see you here. Isn’t it a surprise Brian? To see Michael, here?” Brian looks up and says he’s speechless except to say that Teddy and his guest need to get to steppin’. Michael clarifies that he’s there to see Brian and Ted goes to great ambiguous pains to exit stage right. He gives Michael a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder and it’s sweet, but Ted is the black sheep of the subtle family, he just can’t get it right.

Ted finally leaves, and here we go for more Mikey/Brian drama, let’s see how this weave gets all tangled up! Michael says that he won’t waste any of Brian’s time… that he’ll get right to the point… he knows Brian’s a busy man… with important things to do. Brian and I plead with Michael to stop being so considerate and get on with it. Brian guesses that Mikey wants something to which Michael answers in the affirmative. Brian speculates that it’s to apologize to which Michael answers in the negative, “I think it’s you that owes me the apology!” Brian insists that he already apologized and Michael correctly calls bullshit. Michael says it’s because Brian didn’t mean a word of it and Brian kind of snickers, but doesn’t fight that contention. I wonder about that, whether Brian thinks he made an actual apology and tried his best, or does he know that he sounded like an even bigger jerk? After Brian throws the whole apology thing out the window, Michael tells him they lost La Monta’ge for their SP14 event. La Monta’ge, eh? It’s funny because it’s pronounced the snooty French way, but all I can do is think about the Montage Song on South Park “If you want to show a great passage of time you need a montage! MONTAGE! Heh. Michael pussy foots around for a while and finally says that they want to use Babylon. Brian says, “So you want nothing to do with my world until it can help yours.” Michael tells him that this has nothing to do with his world vs. Brian’s world, and while I agree that the sentiment isn’t exactly the same, it would seem as though for Mikey, karma is a female dog and he just got bit. Put some humility on it baby, you’ll be just fine.

Now Mikey really messes it up here because we know it’s completely personal between the two. I don’t see why they sent Michael to ask in the first place, don’t Ben and Mel and the rest of their little group know Brian too? Where’s Linds? She would have been more than happy to ask Brian and Brian would have accepted. Of course then we wouldn’t have this delicious drama, I’m starting to understand this show a little more each day. Mikey says if it’s going to be a problem, to forget it. Brian says he didn’t say no and asks how much they were going to pay La Montage’ (Is there even an accent? I don’t know where it goes). Michael tells them $10K, which is what I guessed and assures Brian that they’ll pay him the same thing. Brian says, “No they won’t.” which just sends Mikey all the way to stupid town where he starts saying that there’s no reason for Brian to gauge the center because they don’t have it. This is how I know that Mikey’s head isn’t on right because when has Brian ever gauged anyone? He spent $100K on that ad campaign against the guy running for mayor, and then when he discovered that the fundraiser for the bike ride was crooked, he rode and brought a crapload of sponsorship that made up for what they already lost. Brian has always been the hero on the money front. Brian, of course, says there’s no charge and Mikey is finally speechless. He says he doesn’t know what to say and Brian and I think ‘thanks’ would be nice. Mikey doesn’t offer any and Brian pretends to be busy to get Michael to leave. Will these two ever mend their ways?!?

MeLinds Mans of Missed Opportunities

Melanie comes in the front door with a bouquet of flowers and yells for Linds. Linds is in the dining room with Jen who is telling her that the house is beautiful and there aren’t a lot of desirable properties on the market. Yeah right, whatever you need to tell yourself for letting Justin live in that rat shack is fine with me, but don’t lie to your customers babe. Jen starts to talk about interest rates but finally notices Mel is there and says hello. She tells Mel that she understands they’re interested in selling the house. Mel was made to understand that they were still thinking about it. Linds completely ignores this and tells Mel that Jen says they could get a $100K at least which would be more than enough to make a down payment on a couple of condos. Jen goes on to say that their’s is a very desirable neighborhood and that she could show it to some people before it was even listed. Lindsay is amenable to this discussion and asks Mel what she thinks. Mel unconvincingly says it sounds great and Jen says to call her soon to get the ball rolling. Poor Jen, we know that they’re not going to sell the house (c’mon, you know it!), but here she is putting all this work into it for nothing. Jen leaves and Mel asks Lindsay about selling the house. Linds says that she was under the impression that they both wanted to sell which confuses me since last night Mel said, “we’re not going to sell the house.” Remember Linds? It was before you had mad, passionate sex on the dining room table, but after Mel got home late from being out with Corinne. I know those things are easy to forget, that’s why you have me. Linds says that they should get things moving and get on with their lives. I love how she does this because she says it very determined, but then kind of backs down at the end.

Now this is the time where Mel says, “I can’t live when living is without you!”, and Linds says, “Do that to me one more time, once is never enough, from a woman like you!” and then they run into each others arms and are suddenly on the beach rolling around in the sand kissing as the tide comes in and they live happily ever after right? Nah, not this time, because that would be too much like right (or really, really wrong depending on how you look at it, rolling in the sand?) Linds compliments Melanie’s flowers and leaves. Melanie says she thought they’d brighten up the house, and by house she means Linds’ pussy. Maybe next time Mel, try calla lillies.

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