By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

Maximum Occupancy

MiBen are on the phone with Michael in the background and Ben in the foreground. They’re making calls to local places trying to find a place to hold the event. It seems as though the event is Thursday and I’m guessing that this is Monday? I’m not sure about the timeline here as usual. Then Michael asks if the man is sure Saturday won’t work and I have no idea what that’s about at all. The gist of the matter is that there is no room at the inn, and Baby SP14 event will have to sleep in the stables, or Babylon. Oh come on, we all saw this coming.

Expo and Foreshadowing: But I thought we were so subtle?

Michael calls it a disaster, and while I don’t know about that, I can safely say that one thing that’s not a disaster is Ben’s outfit. He’s wearing a chocolate brown shirt with cream-colored khakis and a brown belt. With his complexion, the man is stunning in browns. He’s even more stunning in just him. Mrs. Sticky Gant, I like the sound of it, I wonder if he’s down with the swirl? Ben golly gee goshes his way to suggesting Babylon, but Michael flat out refuses. Ben tries to lay on the guilt trip by saying that he’ll just have to call the center and tell them that the event is off. I’m wondering something. I assumed that food was included in this deal, and we all know that Babylon may be known for it’s cock, but it’s not known for it’s chicken if you catch my drift. If people paid $200 per ticket, aren’t they going to be mad there’s no food? I’m sure Emmett could whip up some coq au vin for everyone, but will it be enough? Ahh, I don’t care anymore, and evidently neither does this scene that ended a while ago. Moving on.

Plowing the Outback

Brian is doing an Aussie who is breathily suggesting that Brian hit up an AU bar called the Bodyline. How Brian found an Aussie in Torontosburgh is beyond me, but we’ll play along since this kid is working it in the “maintain accent while being plowed” category. Russell No then tells Brian to fuck him harder. We move back and see Brian’s pasty little butt moving into Russell’s muscular tanned one. Yeah, I’m going to need casting to do better in this ep, or Gale to do better at the gym. Brian, ever the curious tourist, asks about the clubs in AU. Russ suggests the Arc on Oxford if Brian is searching for a young, friendly crowd. Before Brian can respond he hears a knock at the door. Russell yells for Brian to not stop and although Brian has no intentions to, the person at the door is very adamant about being heard. They even go so far as to dial Brian’s pimp Moto Razr which I would totally own if I didn’t hate Motorola. Brian pulls out of our Aussie who goes to great lengths to not show his dick and rushes to the door with a pillow over his nuts.

I totally thought it would be Michael, but it turns out to be Ted. He said he’s been trying to reach Brian all day and Brian asks why he didn’t just buy a stick of dynamite and blow the door down? Ooh Foreshadowing, did you have anything to do with this?

Foreshadowing: Hee hee!

Ted’s yammering something about the Brown Athletics account (which of course is Brian’s biggest account and one of Drew’s sponsors, hmm wonder where this is going?) and stops short when he sees Russell Mo sitting his bare butt on Brian’s awesome sofa. Ted apologizes for intruding, but Brian reassures him that he’s not as sorry as Russell. Brian urges Ted to get to the point and Ted reveals that Ed Brown just found out the Drew was gay and wants him pulled from his underwear line. Brian says that the photo shoot has already been booked, and the ad space gotten which has nothing to do with Drew, but whatever. Brian’s got a little set of Moobs happening here since they’re a bit too low to be pecs.

First a Little Lana, Then a Little Lovin’

Drew and his square head are watching STTV (I’m guessing Sports Talk TV?) and a man is saying that having a gay team member is disruptive to a team. Just like his gigantic Leonard Malin mustache is disruptive to my stomach. He starts to give an example of a gay teammate in a locker room with the guys, but is graciously cut off by his host who asks if the other teammates will think that Drew is going to jump them. “Can’t those big guys take care of themselves?” I think they can take care of themselves, and of Drew. NotTuckerCarlson goes on to say that he didn’t jump the men before, and he’s not going to jump them now. NotDr.Phil says that by announcing he was gay, Drew has separated himself from the rest of the team. Which I agree is true, but only to the extent that now when they go get whores and strippers after the games, they’ll have to get a boy one for Drew too. It’s just a little extra work people. NotDocPhil messes up his statement by adding that the “spirit of unity” has been broken and will never be repaired. Sigh, that’s too dumb for words. It’s like, on The Jerk when Steve Martin found out he was white, he still took care of his family, there weren’t any major differences, they just had to start clapping on 1 and 3. Because that’s what you do for the people you love, you make sacrifices, unless you’re Justin that is. NotTC asks if NotDocP would remove Drew from the team, and he’s about to answer, but Emmett comes in and turns off the TV. The entire heterosexual population thanks you Emmett because we know nothing good would have come from his comments.

Drew complains that he was watching the TV and Emmett concludes that it would just depress Drew more. He says he got the perfect remedy and pulls out a copy of Madame X. Yeah, Turner Classic Movies for the pro football player. You know not all gay people are that gay Em sweetness. Emmett tells Drew that it stars the woefully underrated Lana Turner who has an illicit affair. After she’s discovered she’s forced to give up her identity and wander the world in a drunken stupor only to return home to murder her blackmailer. Drew asks if that’s supposed to make him feel better and I ask where’s the popcorn and Raisinettes! Something about white folk in crazy drama just appeals to me for some reason. Emmett is holding the box up and we see that the DVD came from Renaissance Video. Y’all, there’s a picture of Adam’s pointer finger, and it’s almost touching a VHS tape. That’s too silly; I would rent from there all the time. Emmett says that Lana always does it for him, but quickly drops the idea. He tells Drew that maybe instead he should go to the SP14 event to meet some of his gay fans and see what an inspiration he’s become. Drew reiterates that he’s a pro-football player and not a pro-fag. He would like Emmett to stop getting him to be the gay poster boy and for a moment I hope that he’s not saying that because it will interfere with his Brown contract, for we know that will be kaput very soon. Emmett gets up huffily and tells Drew that he better take care of himself since he’s got a near naked photo shoot coming up. Drew tells him that “His friend Kinney called” and told him there’s not going to be a photo shoot. I only highlight the dialogue because I love that he called Brian “Kinney”, like that’s his name. Would that be awesome if Brian’s name were Kinny? Can you think of all what the Kinney/Justin, or Kinney/Mikey ships would be like? All kinds of stories about Jinney and Minney. I don’t know, things like that amuse me, and it’s late so I’m very tired.

Emmett is shocked, SHOCKED. Drew says that now he’s officially lost everything and I really expected Emmett to say, “Well you still got me!” but instead Drew continues that he knew coming out wouldn’t be easy, but he never expected it to be this bad. Oh, there’s Emmett with the “still got me” shtick, and he tells Drew that they’ll get through this together. He goes to stroke Drew’s hair and Drew pulls away saying he’d like some time alone. Emmett takes one last look back and takes his leave.

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