Dignity, Almost Always Dignity: QAF Recap 504 06-05-05 Page 3

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 504 Aired 6-05-05

Homo Hater High School
We head over to what looks to be swimming practice at Hunter’s school. Ben is there and I can’t tell if he’s the one yelling or not. Is Ben a coach? Do they let parents just come in and do stuff like that? I never did swimming as a sport due to the rise in costs of black hair care. Mizani is expensive y’all and I’m not sweatin’ out my perm for no trophies. Anyhow, I think this supports my theory that Ben has no job and hasn’t told Michael about it. Seriously, when does he work? Hunter asks Ben how he did and Ben says that he was 2/10th of a second off his personal best. 2/10th of a second? Do stop watches even measure that? And how in the world is that accurate if it relies only on Ben’s sight and hand-eye coordination? Hunter is happy with his progress and replies, “Fuckin A”. I hate that crap, when people say “Fuckin’ A, man!” It just seems lazy? I don’t know, I’ve always had a revulsion to it. Hunter thinks it’s because he’s nailing those flip turns and Ben bets him $10 bucks he’ll place.
“think so?” Hunter asks.
“Know so.” Ben replies, and it’s really cute and sweet. Hunter gets out of the pool and Ben apparently checks out the kid in the next lane because he looks over there for a minute. Odd. The coach, who we’ll call Coach Gotthisjobbecausehe’sthe Director’sCousin calls everyone around and tells them they had a good practice. He tells them that with swimming like that, they should be able to hold their heads high at the meet, but cautions them to go home, get some grub, and don’t sprain anything. He points at Hunter when he says this which is cute. I was on someone’s boards the other day (if anyone remembers where this is email me and I’ll include it. I can’t find it anywhere!) and someone pointed out how we have yet to see Hunter’s forehead. I don’t know if Harris Allan has a no forehead clause in his contract but it’s really funny. It’s something I never noticed before, but now I notice it all the time. It makes Hunter scenes much more fun to watch.

Coach Director’sCousin asks the boys if their winners. For some reason I think he says Wimmers which makes me think of wieners, which makes me laugh because once again, I’m 12. Coach Director’sCousin tells the boys to put away the toys before they scrub down. What toys? Are there rubber duckies in the pool that I didn’t see? Because if so, I really regret not taking swimming now. Coach goes and talks to Ben, “Yeah, at first I had my doubts, but Hunter’s coming through gangbusters.” GANGBUSTERS! Whooo! That phrase was the inspiration for the title of my page. It’s one of those phrases that I hear all the time and never knew what it meant. I got the gist of it, I knew what context to use it in, but I never knew the background until some lovely TWoPpers filled me in. That just made my day. Anyhow, Coach Director’sCousin has this horrid bald spot and really when it gets like that, it’s time to shave. There was a guy at the hotel last night with hair like that and me and one of the valets just looked at him and stared. It was tragic.

Ben says that all Hunter needed was confidence and support and the coach adds that having a parent willing to work with him was a plus. The thing I hate about this scene is that it makes it seem like Hunter had this storyline that we’re supposed to refer back to. He didn’t. There was no, “OMG is Hunter going to quit the swim team?” drama last year or since they’ve had him. Hunter’s drama has always been of the “How do I tell my girlfriend I’m an ex-hustler with HIV?” variety. Hunter clowns around with some friends and one of them tells Hunter, “Next time you’ll be licking my toes.” Huh, kinky.

Callie comes out of nowhere and like, was she there the whole time? I assume that this is long after school so what is she doing her except tracking Hunter? Also, months have passed, have they really not talked this whole time? Bad writers! Bad continuity! You get it together! Oh, I guess Callie is a swimmer too. Yeah, that’s not convenient, looks like she picked up some of Justin’s stalking skills, or was Callie a swimmer before this? Is that how they met? I’m sorry y’all, I hated Hunter with the passion of a thousand flaming nuns so there were times that I completely blacked out his story lines. I promise I’m good on everyone else, just not him. The boys call for Hunter and tell him that they’re going and he tells them to wait up. To go to the showers? Is this the equivalent of girls going to the bathroom together? It’s oddly gay.


The Diner Formerly Known as Deb’s
Ted is trying to convince Emmett that his getting plastic surgery is really a good thing, but Emmett is way ahead of him. He has a great idea to turn Ted’s journey into a Queer Guy exclusive that ends with Ted coming on the show for the BIG REVEAL. Ted gives Emmett a look, and Em decides that maybe he’ll just go with the avocado night mask as planned. Ted tells him to stick with the guacamole and I have to agree. Besides, doesn’t he just have a couple of minutes on the air? Slow your roll Geraldo; you aren’t that big time yet.
Ted wants Em to promise him that no matter how he comes out, he’ll still love him. Emmett reassures that he never loved him for his looks to begin with. Ha! That’s hilarious, especially since they used to date. It’s odd that that never comes up. I know their romantic relationship ended badly, but I would expect someone (Brian) to make a bad joke about it. Maybe it’s just that my friends suck. Yeah, it’s probably that. Emmett is quick to clarify that there’s nothing wrong with Ted’s looks, and if this is what he wants to do, Em will be right behind him. Ted says he’s getting that done too.

Hurricane Deb blows in and pushes Emmett over. At the beginning of this scene I thought that Em had a bottle of that green chili sauce that he was going to put on his food. Then I realized that they had no food and the bottle ended up being Perrier. The fact that this greasy spoon has Perrier makes this the gayest diner ever. EVER. Just thought I’d mention that. Or maybe I’m just a hick, it’s probably more that. Deb says she was just passing by and wanted to see how things were going. She looks pretty nice here. All glowy and not too wild, I like unemployed Deb. Ted says things are going great, but he’s a little too enthusiastic about it. He quickly corrects himself and says that things aren’t the same without Deb there.

Ted changes the subject to Deb herself, and Deb says that since she’s stopped working, Carl and her have been getting plenty of exercise… If you know catch her drift!! Emmett says yeah, it drifts all the way to his room. Maybe Emmett needs to borrow Carl’s sound machine? And put it on high. And send me one. Deb says she bought herself a new warm up suit, and I had no idea QVC was selling lingerie. I don’t quite understand the mechanics of whatever it is she bought. It looks like a sling on a hanger. There’s red, and lace, and satin, and it’s really a hot mess so it’s perfect for Deb.

Rosietta comes in like a flood with food orders for the boys. She’s wearing Deb’s old vest and coloring all over Deb’s sassiness. She’s surprised to see Deb and asks when she got there. Deb, who’s more than a little flustered, says it just a couple of minutes ago. She’s about to say something else, but Rosietta tells her to hold that thought and gives the “Queer Guy a salad, and a plate of chili cheese fries and vanilla shake to the Teddy bear.” Aww, Teddy bear. My biological clock goes off at the weirdest things. Em wonders if Ted should be eating all of that and Ted says, “What goes into today gets sucked out tomorrow!” heh. I’m guessing that Deb knows nothing about Ted having work done because I’m sure she would have put the kibosh on it a long time ago. Rosietta finally asks Deb what she was saying, and Deb says she just wanted to know how things were going. A guy behind her asks Rosietta if she’s got any equal and Rosietta says, “Yeah, Wonder Woman!” and everyone dies from laughter. Uhh Ohh, looks like the Expo fairy is at work again. Let’s see what she’s trying to teach us today. We cut to a shot of Rosietta saying it’s going effing great! As I said she’s wearing the Deb vest with something weird on her pants. Her shirt says something, but I can’t read it. Darn these glasses, I need some new eyes. Rosietta asks Deb if she can get her anything. The pink plate special is cod balls which prompts Rosietta to ask what they did with the rest of the fish. My answer would have been that they probably threw it out with that joke, but the boys think it’s HILARIOUS! This scene quickly turns into the white, gay-centered ep of Comic View with foot stomping and table pounding. God these jokes are horrible. There’s something about Pete peeing in the pea soup, and any guy eating tuna there is in the wrong place, and Deb ain’t happy. Ted says that Rosietta’s a hoot, and Deb adds, “Yeah, a hoot and a half.”


Mikey’s Comic Book Store
Michael asks how “rehearsal” was and Ben corrects him by saying that it was a practice. Hunter says he kept his head down and his knees up and beat his time by 2/10ths of a second. Michael then says the most hilarious thing in this scene, “That’s awesome dude, right on! I can’t wait to come to the performance!” Sticky Keys makes a "surf’s up!" sign and says, “Totally tubular man, that would be so gnarly!” Oh Mikey, you never cease to amuse me. Mikey commences to say that he’ll be there front row center. Hunter corrects him and tells him that it’s a meet and they’re called bleachers. Heh. Mikey doesn’t care though, up until then the only thing Michael knew about swimming was watching Esther Williams movies with Deb. When I was little I used to love those movies, and I wanted to be a synchronized swimmer so badly, but I thought only white people were allowed to do it (well, it was more like my mom was poor and didn’t want to pay for it, so she told me that only white people did it, which led to me believing that only white kids could do it. I had an interesting childhood, what I can remember of it anyway). So one day I was reading a Baby Sitter’s Club book where Jessie (the black girl who was a ballerina) decided to do synchronized swimming and it changed my life. Unfortunately, by that time I was thick and clumsy so the synchro thing ended up turning into an almost drowning thing, but I’ll never forget it. Anyhoodle, Michael begins to talk about the one where she rises out of the water and sparkles come out of her head which I totally remember but can’t place right now, but he is rudely interrupted by Brian.

Ben grabs Hunter and says, “C’mon Pal, let’s go carb up.” He then leans in to kiss Michael and mouths BE NICE! Man, someone needs to fire the closed captioners because all they have on the screen are the song lyrics in the background, and the words [Inaudible Mouthing]. Well, yeah it’s inaudible, because it’s mouthing you MORONS, (if there are any captioners reading, you are not morons. You provide an invaluable service for the hearing impaired, and the recappers extraordinaire. This is just the show making StickyKeys crazy, she apologizes) take away their parking spaces; make them donate their vacation to someone who KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING! Ahem. Now where were we? Oh yeah.

Brian comes in and his hair looks odd. Like, there’s too much of it, and not enough at the same time. He asks Mikey if he can put up a sign that advertises HARD HEROES NIGHT at Babylon. Mikey questions the sign and Brian tells him it’s every superhero fantasy Mikey’s ever had come true. Michael says he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for his younger clientele. And really, if this weren’t Torontosburgh: the gayest place on earth (except in high schools and Big Qs!), I would agree, but it is Torontosburgh so really he could set it next to a Hello Kitty poster and it would still look in place. Brian asks what difference it makes since they’ll probably grow up to be fags anyway. Michael can’t argue with that and agrees to put the sign up. Brian expects Mikey to be there, but Mikey says he doesn’t think so. With work and fixing up the house, these days Ben and Michael get to bed early. Brian reminds him that it’s superheroes! “Superman on Superman action.” and that does sound hot, shoot, I’d be there! I can’t decide if Gale Harold is really tall, or if Hal Sparks is really short, but there’s like a full head between them. I want to see a line up of this cast because they are all over the board. Michael says that he’ll make Brian a deal, “I’ll come check out your new place if you come check out ours.” Brian says it’s just like when they showed each other their dicks, Mikey nods, and HA! What? What kind of answer is that? Well, it’s a Brian answer, but what made Mikey nod in agreement? That’s hilarious to me. Apparently MiBen are having the new neighbors over for dinner and want Justin and Ben to join them. Sigh. Another Michael Novotny dinner party? When will he learn? This story line is odd because it’s wholly reminiscent of the Dr Dave party that also went awry. Normally I would be mad at the writers about stealing from themselves, but I like the re-visitation because it shows Michael in a different place this time.

I hate that their trying to break Michael and Brian up because it’s really the main reason I fell in love with this show, but I also like how they’re evolving their relationship and forcing the characters to change. During the Dr. Dave fiasco, we were still at a place where Michael was completely reliant on Brian. Dr. Dave tried to break him out of that mold, even despite Brian doing everything to stop it, but he was unable to partly because of the business of his own life, but mostly because of Michael’s devotion to Brian. Michael defended Brian’s actions because he looked up to him, but now we’re in a place, 5 years later, where Michael has 2 kids, a husband, and a house, and Brian is very much the same. The thing about this is that though Brian has moved laterally, he’s always been at the top of the chart. Michael has moved up, and there was a time, maybe during the last season, where the two lines crossed, and I think both men are just now realizing it. It’s something I think about way too much as you can see.

Anyhow…Brian agrees and says he’ll bring a bottle. Michael suggests red, but Brian was talking about poppers. He gives Michael a kiss and takes his leave. You can tell Michael wants things to be better between them, but the problem is that Michael wants things to be better by his terms. We all know that Michael is a horrible communicator so I’m not sure why Michael expects Brian to be the person that he wants him to be if he doesn’t tell him. Sigh. I’m suddenly reminded of Brian’s 30th birthday when he decided to scarf and almost killed himself. Him and Mikey were on the floor and it was so touching and beautiful and there was so much love there, and now 4 years later…

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