Dignity, Almost Always Dignity: QAF Recap 504 06-05-05 Page 5

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 504 Aired 6-05-05

Michael’s Monstrosity (Dinner Party)
This ended up being one of my favorite scenes in the episode so bear with me if I ramble. We open up on Brian at Mike’s dinner party. Some wonderful posters over at Live Journal alerted me to the sheer ugliness of the floral shirt he has on. I tend to think about Bryan either in a three-piece suit, or shirtless so I never paid attention to his shirts before, but I guess the hideousness is a pattern. It’s something else fun to watch for. It seems Mikey has invited MontEli over and Eli is talking about gardening. I have the blackest thumb in the world so I have no idea what he’s talking about. What I will mention is that MiBen have installed some blue backlighting in their see through door cupboards. I don’t think I would have went with blue, but it’s an interesting idea.

Monte says that Eli is the gardener in the family and he’s the chef. Eli says that rose bushes would look fabulous outside and after a boring lull, Michael remembers planting pansies outside with his mom. Brian says, “and look what bloomed.” Sigh, you’re going to have to do better than that in the double entendre department if you want to keep me interested QAF writers. What else you got? Monte hilariously overreacts and asks JustBri which one is the gardener and which one is the chef. Justin says he really likes cooking. I’m instantly reminded of when Justin first made gumbo and Brian’s Atlanta honey was showing Justin some tricks of the trade. It was cute because Justin made this big ol mess just so he could feed his baby. I’m glad to see that Justin’s improved in the kitchen. I’m sure Alton Brown had something to do with that. I love that man.

Brian says, “I love planting my seed in some hole.” After an awkwardness Brian clarifies that he meant in the ground. Now that’s the writing I came on board for! Thanks QAF writers! Y’all had me worried there. While Brian was talking about his penchant for pansy picking, Ben got this look on his face and looked to see what MontEli’s reaction was. It’s funny because where he didn’t really care about JR and Michael, he does care about the tension that Michael has set up by inviting everyone over at the same time. I mean really, the man knows a best selller when he sees one. Monte looks reasonable uncomfortable and I think Eli is just concentrating on getting drunk because he’s nose deep in a glass of merlot.

Eli takes a break from reenacting scenes from When a Man Loves a Woman and tells Ben that he brought them some petition. Ben says they’ll be happy to sign. MontEli explain that it’s a petition to put speed bumps in the neighborhood. Ben says that he doesn’t think Brian’s too interested in speed bumps, but Brian says on the contrary, “speed bumps are extremely important. Especially before you go out dancing.” QAF really missed the boat when they denied its viewers a peek at the Brian/Ben sex scene. I’m sure Brian would have been on the bottom (remember when Justin made Brian take it? Ha!), and that goes against everything they’ve told us that Brian is, but that would have been some serious hottness. I would watch this show for five more seasons if they had shown that. I guess only in my dreams (and apparently in fan fic).
Monte asks Brian what it is he does. Justin says he’s president and CEO of Kinetic which is apparently the biggest and bestest advertising agency in foreverest! Justin seems to have a case of scabies on his elbow because he’s scratching the crap out of it as he says this. Is that a spoiler for next week? Brian interjects that he is also the CEO and President of Babylon, the bestest gay sex, drugs, and techno bar in the world. It’s so good that it took a month to fill up after it got shut down. Yeah. Anyhow, Monte says that they haven’t been there in years. Brian invites them to come by as his personal guests.

Eli says he hardly thinks Babylon suits their lifestyle. Ben gives this, “aww, shit son” look on his face that wins him a Sticky, which is just like an Emmy only not copyrighted. I’m with you Ben, because why would you say that to the owner? I mean, on the very surface, Babylon is a dance club, so that’s not something to get your panties in a bunch about. Just make up some excuse and decline, but don’t insult the man. Michael asks if he can get anyone anything and Justin’s just sitting there soaking everything in. I like how they accept Justin as a man, but I can’t relate to it. To be 21, have a 33 year old boyfriend, and not a single friend his age, and no one seems to care? I can never get away with that crap, no matter how grown I act (which isn’t much), I always get treated like a baby. I remember once I gave an hour presentation on HIV/AIDS (I was a Red Cross Peer trainer) and how it related to the straight, black female population. It was before knowledge of “down low” was mainstream and it talked about how the disease was not just limited to homosexuals, but anyone could catch it. It was this very serious thing and very adult and I had visual aids, demonstrations, the whole shebang. Afterwards three ladies from my church came up to me and said, “Ohh, that was so adorable! You looked so cute and grown up there giving your little presentation.” Then they pinched my frickin cheeks. Sigh. I would have protested, but they took me out for ice cream and I’m a whore for cinnamon ice cream.

“Which lifestyle is that Monte?” Brian asks Eli. Monte corrects him and says, “I’m Monte.” Instead of continuing to talk to Eli, Brian turns to Monte and asks the same question. That cracked me up and I vowed to myself to do that if I ever meet and interracial gay couple with the names Monte and Eli, and you know I will. Monte says that these days they prefer to spend evenings at home with their kids which would have been a fine answer, but then stinkin Eli gets all up in the mix with, “rather than in a room full of drugged up Peter Pans.” Sigh, I know I should have said it a long time ago, and I apologize, but here it is, SHUT UP ELI! I mean God, Monte is trying to provide all of these outs for you, but you just have to keep on pouring salt on the wound.

Brian says that so many couples he’s spoken to feel that way. That’s why he’s starting Monogamous Mondays. That really has nothing to do with anything. Who was that couple in season 3 that wanted Emmett to sleep with them? They didn’t seem like the Babylon “type”, but they weren’t monogamous either. So really this whole thing is just stupid. It’s also wildly entertaining so I’ll let it go. Ben tells MontEli that Brian is a kidder with a capitol K. Eli opens his big stupid mouth again and says that he hardly thinks the promiscuous behavior that Babylon promotes is a laughing matter. He probably says the same thing about Pottery Barn. What? I know I’m not the only one who gets excited at Pottery Barn, whatever!

Brian calls their bluff and guesses that after 10 years together they’ve had to have a little extramarital ass. Justin calls Brian and closed captioning says [Inaudible Mouthing], sometimes they don’t even try because it’s clear that Justin said, “stop it”. It’s cute that Justin has the balls to do that now. Season 2 Justin would have been all, “You leave Brian alone! I love HIM!” or something of that sort. I don’t know. Eli says “no, it’s called being in a mature, loving relationship.” Brian calls it being dead. I call it being a freak in the sheets and a lady in the streets. Anyone wanna bet how many times MontEli have played date rape? Also, don’t they know that Michael writes a porno comic book? I’m guessing they don’t but it’s something interesting to think about when we see Michael get all riled up.

Michael asks Brian to help with dessert and Brian says first they should do presents. Michael says no, but we know he’s a whore for a present so he goes to open it. Ben downs some more wine and everyone at the table anxiously awaits to see what’s inside. Michael opens the lid and Brian pulls out some leather contraption.

“You bought us a sling?” Ben asks. Brian says that they told him they were furnishing a playroom, but Michael is quick to note that it wasn’t that type of playroom. Many things to note here. First, Brian can come to any party I throw ever. From poppers to leather slings, the man knows how to gift. Second, Ben immediately knew it was a leather sling. That didn’t send up any flags around the table? Third, that box is pretty big and it was sitting there the whole time. I refuse to believe that Justin and Michael didn’t peek at it. Justin has this little smile on his face like, “I hope those came two for one!”, and the rest of the table looks horny and uncomfortable. You know Ben can’t wait to set that up, but he knows it’s going to be a while before Michael calms down. Michael’s upset? You bet your sweet bippy he is, just look at him, brooding mopily in the kitchen. They have red counters so now I really don’t understand the blue backlighting in the kitchen. It looks weird, kind of like Michael.


Homo Hater High School
We open on the girls swimming and I’m guessing this heat includes Callie. Michael is bitching about Brian’s behavior and Ben tells him to get over it. They’re at a place where Ben actually cares about what’s going on so he needs Michael to shut up. I’m with him here. Callie’s parents are rooting for some girl named Kelly according to my closed captioning. I swear to God if this girl’s name has been Kelly the whole time I am going to hurt someone. Regardless, her name is Callie here dangit! Michael makes fun of Callie’s parents and Ben appropriately tells him to be quiet. Michael has some nerve talking about embarrassing parents, but whatever. The girls get out of the pool and they announce the boys’ 50-meter freestyle. Michael gets adorably excited the race begins. Michael is all “Go Hunter! Go Go GO!” and Ben is all, “C’mon Pally!” It’s so funny and old of him when he says “Pal!” It cracks me up every time. Hunter wins and Michael’s all, “Hunter won. Go Hunter!” while Callie’s parents look all constipated.

Hunter is slow to emerge from the pool and Callie asks if he’s okay. He has his hand up to his head and blood starts to drip into the pool. It seems Hunter hit his head on the last leg of his race. MiBen run to aid Hunter and Callie jumps in for no plausible reason other than to set up the scene where her parents freak out and yell that Hunter has AIDS. Which was not only cold-blooded, but also infactual. AIDS and HIV are not the same thing. You can live with HIV, AIDS will kill you . There’s a difference and while that wouldn’t have had a whole lot of impact here, it is very important to note. Regardless, Callie’s dad, while obviously scared for his daughter, was completely in the wrong. He didn’t yell that out to help anyone but his daughter. It wasn’t a “be careful around Hunter because he has HIV” thing as much as it was a “hurry up and get my daughter away from the carrier!” thing. He’s so going to hell for that, I hope they get him back later in the season. They should give him herpes, which you could probably get more easily than HIV in a chlorinated pool. Jerk.

The coach orders everyone out of the pool, which I think was just a precautionary thing of not crowding the injured, and not a “get away from the HIV!” thing. The coach has been pretty cool despite his hair so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. MiBen pull Hunter out of the pool and escort him out to take him to the hospital. Everyone is quiet and staring and poor Hunter looks like he’s about to cry. I just want to reach in and give him a hug. Good Lord and I starting to like Hunter? It won’t last. Poor, precious boo-boo.


Extreme Makeover: Ted Edition
I didn’t know that gay plastic surgery was such an up and coming market. I mean, for them to have gay plastic surgeon ads and magazines. Emmett is flipping though such a magazine and pointing out the various body parts he likes. He’s partial to one guy’s nose, but goes crazy for another guy’s cheeks. “Teddy, if you don’t get these, I will. What do you think?” Teddy thinks he’s going to puke. Emmett warned him about eating all of that food at the diner the day before. Ted isn’t talking about that though, he’s talking about the surgery. He says he looks like a cow in the butcher shop. My mom recently went and bought half a cow. That really has nothing to do with anything except to say that it freaked me right out. It was tasty, but freaky. He turns to the camera and we see his face all marked up with instructions for the surgery. He looks like a gellical cat. What’s a gellical cat you ask? Well a gellical cat can and gellical cats do! Sorry, I watched Broadway’s greatest hits, and that was on there along with Memories. Interesting fact, I never knew who Betty Buckley was until OZ, and then later I found out she was in Cats. Same with Patti Lupone, I had no idea about her being born to play Evita until after Oz. It really just confirmed that Tom Fontana is the 2nd gayest man ever for putting Broadway divas in a prison drama. I’ll let you figure out who the first is.

Emmett tells Ted not to worry, and once he sees the reveal he’ll be fine. They take this moment to role a moaning man by on a gurney and Ted gets some pre-op jitters. He’s never had surgery before, everything is still intact including his appendix, his tonsils, his wisdom teeth and foreskin. Have we always known that Ted was Jewish? I’m sure it came up during a time that I didn’t care about Ted, but it seems like an interesting development. Do you think it says anything that of the two Jewish characters on the show, one is a lawyer and the other is an accountant? Huh. Emmett says, “Pish, it’s nothing.” Ted says that Emmett can “Pish” all he wants and that he’s not the one who’s about to go through excruciating pain for a new him. Ted wonders if he’ll even like the new him. Emmett asks what’s not to like? He’ll have a 30-inch waist, crow’s feet that have flown the coop, and cheekbones to die for. Ted says he didn’t get cheekbones, but wonders if he should have. I say yes. Ted thinks that the owner of a discothèque for drugged up Peter Pan’s was correct in his assumption that the quest for beauty is shallow and narcissistic.

Emmett thankfully cuts him off by proclaiming, “We’re fags for chrissake. Being obsessed with youth and beauty is our God given right!” Ted asks if he should pull out and Emmett asks if he’s seriously asking him that question. I’m not sure if that was a sex joke, but it is now. Heh. Emmett goes on to say that for as long as he’s known Ted he’s never been happy with himself. He says that if it takes a few snips and clips is what it takes for Teddy to be able to look into a mirror and smile, then it’s not superficial and shallow. I have my own thoughts about this, but they’re long, boring, and contradict each other which isn’t unlike most of these recaps, but it’s just not the right venue. Ted thanks Emmett and goes out to the operating room with his little booty in full display. It’s very cute and all he needs is some toning if he wanted to. The sad thing is that Ted is not a hideous guy. If he weren’t so self-deprecating he’d be a catch. I would ask why he just doesn’t have a better outlook on life, but once again, Ted=Me so we’ll let him be.

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