Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 4

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

Life Partners and the Veggies they Sauté
We open on a scrumptious looking bowl of veggies at Ben and Michael’s house. Michael is on the phone with Melanie and we can hear JR through the baby monitor on the table. Mel is harassing Michael about everything and Michael is trying everything to get off the phone. It’s interesting to note that this may be the first time ever that we’ve seen Hunter eat with Ben and Michael. I always thought they made him eat in his room, or in the tower or something. Michael finally gets off the phone and complains that Mel calls every five minutes. Ben reminds Mikey that Mel’s a mother, but Mikey thinks she’s more of a control freak than a mother is. Yeah, takes one to know one Mikey. Hunter asks to be excused and Michael tells him to eat first. Ben’s all, “There are no control freaks here.” and it’s very cute and jokey. There’s a little pause and then we get Sensitive Ben as he asks Hunter if he’s okay. I know I’ve said it before, and I know you’re probably getting sick of it, but that man is 16 different shades of fine to me. I don’t know exactly what it is. Ever since Timmy on Lassie I’ve kinda had a thing for blondes, but there’s something to his features that just gets me up in the morning. He’s just so manly, like he would throw me around and just… yeah, I’m going to stop now.

Hunter says he’s awesome and after another pause Ben tells Hunter that his principal called. Hunter cutely insists that he didn’t do anything and Michael says they know. Turns out PrinciPal wants to have a meeting with some of the parents about what happened at the swim meet. Hunter gets all riled up, but Ben tells him that it might not be a bad thing. There will be a health official there to put minds at ease and hopefully put an end to what Hunter is going through. Hunter doesn’t think that anyone cares and Bobby Gant is just acting the hell out of this scene. I like it because he’s so great at the subtle stuff. They always have him doing such stupid stuff, like being hooked on steroids or yelling at Hunter, that when he goes back to this kind of mellow reaction acting, it’s really nice. Hunter insists that he’s going too. Michael says that it’s just for parents, but Hunter says that since the meeting’s about him, he has a right to be there. And he does. When did Hunter get all hot? Where was I when that happened? My goodness, what’s wrong with me?


You Can Lead a Lesbian To the Bar…
We open at a lesbian bar and at first I thought I accidentally switched over to The L Word since the only lesbians in Torontosburgh are MeLinds, Leda, Rosietta, and those that go to Michael’s surprise parties, but no, we’re still in Torontosburgh. Ted frets that they’re in a “dyke” bar and I’m not too sure how kosher it is for gay men to say that, but I certainly wouldn’t test that theory in a room with a bunch of lesbians. Especially lesbians that are stronger than you. Emmett tells him that they’re there so Ted would feel more comfortable. Since there’s no men there, there’s no one he knows and he can’t be embarrassed. Ted is intrigued by this promise of anonymity until Deb comes out of the woodwork shouting his name. She asks the boys what their doing there, “Don’t tell me you’ve developed a taste for snatch?” Emmett says he could ask Deb the same thing and Deb says she’s taking his suggestion to let Rosietta down easy. They cut to Rosietta who looks back in the most “huh shucks golly gee” retarded fashion imaginable. She’s just so frickin’ uncouth! Emmett tells her that he hopes the fish bite and isn’t the point of telling a woman that you’re not a lesbian to make her not want to bite your fish? I'll also mention that Deb has said nothing about Ted acting weird or being dressed like a tree tagger, because it's all about her.

We pan over to Ted and then to a woman in leather right beside him. This woman looks exactly like this guy I work with. I mean exactly. He’s kind of a big guy, but it’s a manageable big, not like, obese big. He has the eyes of a saint and the voice of an angel. We never learn our lady’s name so we’ll call her A-Dogg, after my guy (hope you don’t mind A-Dogg! It’s all love baby!). Anyhow, A-Dogg tells Ted he looks pretty beat up and wonders if a man did that to him. Gosh, they even sound the same! You know A-Dogg went on sabbatical last year, I wonder… A-Dogg regrets not being there to help, but assures Ted that when the swelling goes down, he’ll be just as beautiful as ever. Emmett and Ted both look around to see who A-Dogg is talking to. While I like this part a lot (which, who da thunk?), you can tell that it must have taken a lot of takes to get it because the shots are all over the place. None of them seam together very well. A-Dogg gives the Ted a little wink, grabs his butt, gives Em the once over, and takes her leave. They should totally make her a recurring character. I don’t know how or why, that’s for the writers to figure out, I just know it needs to be done. Ted hilariously says, “That person thinks I’m a lesbian! My God, what have I done to myself?” Ted storms out of the bar all dramatically, not in any way drawing attention to himself, and we cut to see A-Dogg looking menacingly at Emmett. Emmett tells her the “[Ted] hasn’t been herself since the hot flashes.” Then he gives the greatest little uncomfortable smile. I was watching SFU this week and Claire did the same thing only with a great little Raji laugh. I’m going to perfect that and use it at parties.

We swoosh over to Deb and Rosietta on the other side of the bar. Deb makes commentary about all of the beautiful women. Rosietta barely seems to notice and tells Deb that she’s glad she asked Rosietta out. Deb keeps trying to point out girls to tickle Rosietta’s fancy “She’s… handsome. All those tattoos”, but Rosietta ain’t having it. Deb keeps jacking off her beer bottle and I can’t tell if it’s just a nervous tick, or if she’s trying to send a subliminal message. Deb points out one more girl who looks suspiciously like Tammy Lyon’s body double, “I bet she’d love it if someone took her hand and said, ‘Buy you a beer?’ Rosietta bets she would too, but continues to not get the point. Deb asks if there’s anyone there that Rosietta likes, and Rosietta says there is. She puts her hand on Deb’s and says, “Buy you a beer?” I immediately start to sing the “Buy Me a Beer” song from The Simpsons, and I’m struck with the fact that if Rosietta were towheaded she could totally be Barney.

Gym Bunnies and the Pounds That They Weigh
We arrive at the gym to find Brian and Ben working out together. So, are things cool between all of them now? This just seems very odd. Once again we see Ben not working, and we know that Brian only works when the plot needs him to be in an office of some sort, and Michael is nowhere to be seen. Anyhow, Ben is lifting a rather heavy looking set of weights and Brian starts his whole, “monogamy is for SUCKAS!” rant and you know how I feel about that. Ben says that contrary to popular belief, some married couples do like to look good for each other, Brian is just surprised that they still look. Ben says it’s part of growing up and Brian counters that it’s more like giving up. They blah some more and Ben hands off the weights to Brian saying that he can’t be Peter Pan forever. You know Peter Pan is about to file a defamation of character suit against this show, if only he could read and write. Ben goes on to say that these days he prefers the family room to the back room. Brian interjects that back in those days Ben enjoyed getting ganged banged in the orgy rooms of the liberty bath currently known as Kinetic. Ben leaves it to Brian to remember, and Brian leaves it to Ben to forget now that he’s “HIV and oh so PC.” Brian struggles a little with the weights and Ben helps him out a little bit. It’s a little, “yeah I have HIV, but I can still beat you down so you better watch your mouth”-ish. I like semi-hostile Ben.

Brian laments that he couldn’t save Michael from becoming a Stepford Fag, but he’s happy that he kept Justin from a fate worse that being a heterosexual. Ben asks what that is and Brian, while checking out some gym scum, says, “an imitation of a heterosexual?” Sigh. Please stop talking Kinney. For the love of StickyKeys please stop. Ben saw Brian give Gym Scum the LOOK OF HOMOSEXUAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT and asks if he’s going to after his friend to the Back Steam Room of Sex. Brian says, “I’d love to Professor, but I still got another 24 hours before the syphilis clears up.” Ha! I’m just going to recap the rest of this show from the floor since that’s where I’ll end up anyway. Brian also gives this fantastic look on his face. He is the best news giver ever. Can you imagine how he told Linds’ parents that he was the father of her baby? “Hello Mr. Peterson, sorry to hear about your ejaculation dysfunction, I’ve heard that some medications make it hard for men cum. By the way, I knocked up your lesbian daughter.” Ben has this, “Oh Lawd.” look on his face and Brian has this, “-eh?” look on his face that’s priceless.

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