Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 2

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

Deb’s Den of Unrequited Desire.
We open on a gorgeous bouquet of roses. Deb, classy as always, refers to them as, “fucking beautiful!” I also find that when gushing about something the word “fuck” is wholly appropriate, but since I don’t cuss (out loud), I usually just pause to show my emotion. Will no one ever know my true feelings? It turns out Rosietta brought them for Deb, along with three kinds of fudge, “chocolate, butterscotch, and rocky road.” Rosietta’s wearing make-up here, and it’s not exactly horrid, it just looks unusual on her, I think it’s the lipstick shade. Deb asks what she did to deserve all this and Rosietta tells Deb she deserves everything. Emmett comes downstairs, and sees Deb holding the flowers and chocolate. He asks if someone won a beauty pageant and Deb replies, “yeah, Ms. Fat Ass 2005!’ Rosietta tells her she’s not fat, she’s beautiful and Emmett agrees, “Self deprecating humor doesn’t fit anymore so stop wearing it.” Can Emmett please get his own inspirational talk show? He could sprout fun little sayings while helping people. I think I would watch that, at the very least it would kick Dr. Phil’s butt in the ratings. Emmett sashays into the kitchen and he’s wearing quite a lovely tunic. It’s interesting because at the shoulders it’s tan, then it fades into a milk chocolate near the waist, and it has cream buttons all the way down. It’s loose on him, but not too oversized. It works in a weird way. Men’s fashion has always interested me as you can see.

Rosietta says she better get to work and gives Deb a long lesbian hug before taking her leave. Deb offers Emmett some of her fudge and tells him Rosietta made it just for her. Emmett says “How sweet!” and then proclaims the same to be true of the fudge. Now I know very little about fudge, is it not supposed to be too sweet? I thought that was the essence of chocolate in general? Ahh well, Deb tells him it’s an expression of affection and not a bake off. Emmett tells her that if the sugar content is any indication then Rosie is more than a little sweet on Deb. Deb doesn’t know what he’s talking about and he says it’s obvious, which it is. Leave it to Deb to be so self-involved that she can’t see people’s true reactions to her. It’s like everything good that happens to her is an extension of something she did to deserve it. It was evident in the whole JR/Baby Mama incident, and it’s evident here. Deb feels that Rosietta can’t be in love with her because she hasn’t shown that kind of love to Rosietta, so therefore Rosietta’s feelings don’t readily exist. I still can’t figure out why the writer’s would present a character in this way. Is it that they don’t know it’s how she’s coming off, or maybe she just seems that way to me. It’s very interesting.

Deb proves my statement by saying it’s impossible that Rosie is in love with her because Deb is a happily married woman who likes dick. I wonder about the use of the word “married” here, but I’m sure it’s just a generalism that doesn’t mean anything else. Emmett tells her she doesn’t have to tell him she likes dick. He hears it every night! I’m telling you Em, grab that sound machine! Carl’s definitely not missing it and he’ll barely even notice it’s gone. Deb asks Emmett what she should do and Emmett tells her that first she’s going to put the roses in water, then she’s going to freeze the fudge (and really, what’s up with freezing fudge? I don’t know how many houses I’ve been at where their freezers are full of fudge!), and then she’s going to gently let Rosie know why it can never be. Deb doesn’t understand the word “gently” and offers up, “Listen [Rosietta], I can’t even imagine diving into a muff.” See? Classy! Emmett basically tells her she has the gist of it, but to get it done otherwise Rosietta will be moving in.


When You’re Feeling Bad, See Dr. Feelgood!
We open in a dark room on the pastiest white butt I have ever seen. It’s kind of flat and weird. We see a guy in front of the butt who looks like he’s giving a blowjob, but he’s actually just examining Brian’s penis. He tells Brian that he can pull his pants up and Brian notes that it's a refreshing reversal from the usual request. Why is this doctor’s office so dark? I mean, he’s not an optometrist so I don’t see the need for the little light and all the darkness. I know when you go to the gyno they don’t turn out all the lights and look at you with a flashlight, at least they're not supposed to I don't think. Is this only odd to anyone else, or is it some “oh so chic” en vogue, gay doctor thing that I’m missing? Dr. Feelgood asks Brian how long he’s had “it” and Brian says a couple of days. When asked how he got it, Brian guesses from pulling to hard, but the good doctor informs him that it’s not a blister, it’s a “chancre”. At least that’s what my closed captioning says, and MS Word isn’t highlighting it. It also doesn’t highlight “canker”. Are these two the same thing? Huh, doesn’t matter I guess, what matters is why Brian has a “chancre” to begin with. It looks like Brian has picked up a case of syphilis. Brian says "That’s so 80s, so 1880s”.

I was watching Def Poetry Jam and Dave Chappelle was on reciting a poem called How I Got the Lead on Jeopardy. The category was “Fucked Up Things White People Do”, and the question was “They stole these people’s land as they gave them syphilis”. The answer? "Who is everyone that’s not white!" Cracked me up for days. This instantly reminded me of that because when I think of syphilis, I don’t think of white people, I think of the white people that gave it to black folk. And that was your Channel 5 Blackuvue moment of the recap.

Evidently syphilis is all the rage again, especially in the gay communities. Dr. Feelgood asks Brian to roll up his sleeves and baby boy needs to tan something bad! The doctor asks Brian if he can pinpoint who gave it to him. There’s a slight pause and I think it would have been a perfect “Every man Brian’s ever slept with” montage, but I guess the writers ran out of time. Brian says, “You may have found the needle, but locating the haystack’s going to be a bitch!” Heh. They are going to do a test to verify that’s what it is and closed captioning says “Hold that.” but no one on the screen does. Lord give those people a vacation or something. Brian asks what then, and the doctor tells him that they’ll give him a penicillin shot which should clear it up, but Brian is not allowed to have sex for 48 hours. Dr. Feelgood knows it will be hard for Brian, but he has the utmost faith he’ll pull it off. Brian says pulling it off is pretty much his only option. The doctor also informs him that he needs to inform everyone he’s had sex with so they can get tested. Everyone ever? My God just the cost of stamps alone would give a much needed boost to the economy. Brian and I both say, “Had we but world enough, and time”.


Slo-mo = Saaaad
At Homo Hater High we get the “Everybody Hurts” slow motion treatment as Hunter is gawked at by several students. It’s very emo, but in the wrong way. It's like the writers thought they understood emo, but really didn’t. There’s a white girl with braids y’all, that alone makes her exempt from being able to make fun of Hunter, because gay ex-prostitute will always be better than white girl with braids. We pass a black man who is evidently still in training at the Overacting Black Theater Academy (OBTA) because he’s mugging the camera a little hard, but not too hard. We focus in on Taylor who is biting his lip “Scotty Savol” style to keep from bursting out in tears. It really is very sweet.

We head into Hunter’s classroom where we see a boy in a Dijon mustard colored shirt sit down at a desk. I’m guessing this kid is on the affirmative action program at the OBTA because he jumps up and hightails it to the front of the class. I just don’t understand how these kids can be so ignorant. Maybe all the gay people’s kids go to another high school? Callie comes in wearing a horridly ugly shirt and sits in the desk in front of Hunter. She asks to borrow a pen to which he asks if she’s trying to be nice. She says yes, and though I hate her, it was a good answer. He tells her not to bother and she’s about to leave until he tells her that she’s the only one who knew about what he used to do. I remember feeling all weirded out when he told her and especially when he told her parents. It’s one thing for your daughter to have a boyfriend that has HIV, but it’s another to have gotten said HIV from being a male prostitute. I actually pretty impressed that they revisited that story line, I just kind of hate the way they went about it.

Callie defends that she would never tell anyone what Hunter told her in confidence. It turns out her parents told. In fact, they even went so far as to call some of the local parents after the meet. And might I just interject, LAME!!! From here on out, Callie’s parents will be known as Cunt and Lameass, because they suck so badly.
Callie says that Hunter’s famous and he says, “Yeah, I’m a cock sucking superstar…” under any other circumstances that might be the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard. I think Brian could pull that off. Callie says her parents are assholes for what they did and she told them that she’d never forgive them, and she won’t. Well until it comes time to pay for college and a car, but that’s all towards the greater good people! She wants to know if now she can borrow a pen and Hunter gives a little smile as he gets one out for her. Ahh C’est l'amour! I’m a hot mess for romance so I’ll let all of her triflingness slide for the moment.

Previous Page
Next Page