Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 3

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

I Went For Plastic Surgery, and Got Self-esteem. Low Self-esteem.
We listen to some snazzy opera as we enter Ted’s boudoir. All of the lights are out and we see Em come in wearing his legendary abominable snowman jacket. He looks like a frickin Yeti. Ted orders him not to turn on the lights which I think is more for Ted's protection to keep from seeing that jacket more than to keep Emmett from seeing Ted. Em asks where he is and Ted tells him he’s where he’ll be for all eternity, on the sofa. Have you ever heard so much about an opera that you thought you saw it? That’s what happened with me and Phantom of the Opera. Like, I know that this is Phantom..., but I don’t know what scene, or anything. I don’t know any of the characters, or really much of the side plots, but when I hear the music, I instantly know where it’s from. Now of course I could be making a huge fool of myself, and this might not be Phantom... at all. They never say it, but something tells me that the Expo Fairy is not one to lie down on the job.

Emmett, ever the stubborn mule, turns on a light anyway and turns off Ted’s music. He asks Ted how he’s supposed to see him with the lights off, and Ted says that that’s the point. I don’t know why Emmett’s so confused, I’m sure he heard the same request a thousand times from Ted while they were dating… ZING! Emmett asks if Ted is still a little puffy, and Ted says he would welcome puffy any day, “Compared to me, the elephant man is a supermodel!” Somewhere Tyra Banks launches a world wide search for this so called Snuffolupagus, “He sounds FIERCE!” Emmett thinks that Ted is just cranky because he hasn't eaten and tells him that they’re going out to dinner. I know that feeling well. I slept extra late today and when I woke up I was famished. Until I got some food in my mouth, every little thing just pissed me off for no good reason. I read an article about some girls that claimed to simply forget to eat, sometimes up to 4 days. Can you imagine me going four days without food? I hate the word bitch, and I hate calling women that, but y’all? Sticky Keys + No Food = UBER BITCH! Lassie would be danged proud!

Anyhoo, Ted says he’s not going into public looking the way he does. Sigh. Y’all, I took exactly two lines worth of notes during this scene. It basically a boring way to say that Ted doesn’t like his new face and he wants his old one back. They are going to great pains to not let us see Ted’s face, but we end up seeing an awful lot of it and considering the BIG REVEAL (which we’ll get to later), I don’t really understand that choice, but whatev.


Lesbians, and the Bills They Pay
We open on Linds and Mel in the mini mans paying some bills. They go through the mortgage and the phone bill and Linds stops when she sees a bill for $1200. Turns out the water heater broke again and had to be replaced. Mel says she didn’t have time to get any more estimates and just wamted to have it done. Mel tries to move on to the car insurance, but Linds is still stuck on the $1200 water heater bill. I would be too, if I had an extra $600 to pay I would like to know that a little in advance, and not in a “by the way” manner as I was writing out my check. Linds doesn’t think she should have to pay for the heater since she no longer lives at the house nor uses their water. Mel says that Linds’ children do, and she’s paying for half of Linds’ apartment and she doesn’t live there. I’m sorry, but what? Okay, first of all, I love how when it comes to custody Mel’s all, “these babies are mines, MINES!” but when it comes to paying for the little rug rats she’s all, “Uh uh, thems yours.” Secondly, if they are going through the 5-year divorce that they are trying to convince everyone that they are, why are they splitting rent on apartments? Why is Linds even in an apartment when she could just move up to the attic if they can’t stand to be around each other anymore? It certainly would save them some money. This is the oddest divorce setup ever, which leads me to believe, of course, that they’ll get back together. Otherwise that house would have been sold, and custody of the kids worked out and new girlfriends found. Or maybe that’s just in celebrity relationships. Huh.

Linds doesn’t think it’s fair that she has to pay for the heater especially since she wasn’t consulted. Linds has her hair pulled back and doesn’t look like Darth Sidious for once. She’s wearing a black satin shirt with a very flattering neckline, good job Linds, and keep up the good work! Mel says that she’ll instead take the children down to the river and wash them, then beat their clothes against the rocks. Linds tells Mel that she always has a smart answer and Mel hilariously replies that a stupid answer would be, “Fine, you don’t have to pay, but you’re not going to hear that from me.” Heh, see, that’s the kind of stuff that makes me Love/Hate Mel. She’s this totally annoying, at times despicable character, but the girl can throw down with the one liners! By the way, she is wearing this adorable jacket that has a brown back and brown cuffs. It has three stripes on front going diagonally, the top is cream, the middle is blue, and the bottom is brown. It’s so cute and I’m sure the Gap has one that’s just begging to be bought from me. If only they carried my size.

Linds says she is stretched to the limit as it is and she’s sure Mel can find the money elsewhere. Mel asks if she has any bright ideas and Linds tells her she could try going back to work. Oooohhh, it’s on like popcorn, y’all! Mel gives her this, “oh no this heiffa didn’t!” look and informs Lindsay that when she had Gus Mel made sure that Linds was completely comfortable. Linds says that was a completely different set of circumstances. Mel wants to know how so, and Linds tells her that when she was preggers they were still living together, and they were still in love. She says she’ll pay for everything else, “but not the heater”. Well I guess that settles that.


All Up in My Sauce
Justin is in the kitchen cooking it up as Brian heats up the room further by coming in from the shower wearing only a towel and my drool. Justin holds a spoon up to his mouth and asks him to taste something, which Brian proclaims to be suspiciously good. Why do these people only cook sauces? It’s something I noticed, that whenever there’s a cooking scene and someone is asked to taste something, it’s always in a saucepan and always some red or white sauce. Sauce does not a meal make people, though it would explain their taut physiques. Brian asks if Julia Childs left Justin her cookbook, but it turns out that Michael lent his to Justin. The funny thing during this is that Justin is tearing up that spoon! He’s licking the crap out of it which may explain the whole Rosie/Lesbian spoon of passion thing. Or maybe he’s just hungry. Randy is always interesting to watch when there’s food around. He’s constantly eating like the Kraft services people are out-rivaled only by Hiroyuki Sakai as the greatest chefs EVER. Would someone please feed that boy outside of the show? A little side note, MS Word had Hiroyuki Sakai saved in it's dictionary. I have no idea why.

Brian blahs about Justin and Michael swapping meals and mates, but Justin claims that he just likes to cook. He says that he enjoys a home cooked meal and silly him thought that Brian would enjoy it as well. Justin goes on to say that if home cooking is so unappetizing to Brian then he is more than welcome to order Thai food for the third time this week. I love Justin’s little domestic thing he has going on. It’s like a combination of his mom and Lindsay. That whole WASPy “pardon me Jimmy, but could you ask your cunt mother to pass the peas? Oh, what’s a cunt? Well your mother son, your mother’s a cunt.” thing. It’s funny because the more comfortable they get, the more snarky Justin gets. I think the issue though, is that he stops saying what he wants and uses these sarcastic flourishes to hint at it. I like the writing of that only because that’s all that Justin would know to do, so he does it.

Brian tells Justin he loves his cream sauce, which is nasty but sweet. Not the cream sauce, the line. I think. Justin is wearing a teal-ish blue shirt with writing on the front. I can’t completely make out the writing, but it’s a Diesel shirt. I think Diesel is outfitting the entire cast because this is the third obvious appearance. I don’t mind though because the contributions have been great. Justin asks Brian to guess what’s for dessert and Brian guesses, “A penicillin tart with seasonal berries?” Justin and I are both confused. “What?” Justin asks, Brian clarifies, “A penicillin tart.” There’s a long pause as Brian walks away, shrugs his shoulders and says, “ I have syphilis.” HA! Oh Lord I almost had a stroke laughing from that. I swear, if I ever get an STD, that is so my way of telling. Heck, if I get any disease. “Hey Sticky Keys, guess what’s for dessert!” “An amputation tart with seasonal berries.” “Huh?” “An amputation tart... I have the plague.” HA HA! I have no idea what I’m tallking about, but that would kick so much major butt.

This is the Brian I know and love, but apparently Justin ain’t having it. Brian says it’s not a big deal, but Justin says it can cause heart abnormalities, mental disorders, and blindness. Well thanks Encyclopedia Brown for solving the case of What Everybody Knew. Justin has a way of always overstating the obvious, or at least restating information that has been around forever. Brian thanks Captain Obvious Jr. for this wealth of info, but insists he’s been treated and cured. The only drawback is he and Justin can’t sex it up for another 42 hours. He also tells Justin that he should get tested. Justin wants to know if he had sex with someone without a condom and Brian says no, that it must have been someone who sucked him off.

You know for Brian to be so safe sex oriented, you would think he would know to use a condom for oral sex, especially with some of the trash he’s slept with. What is the person had herpes or something? That’s just too gross to even think about. Justin’s surprised that it hasn’t happened sooner considering where Brian’s dick has been. Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle a diseased rhinoceros whore? Brian agrees and tells Justin that he’s hardly been a saint himself, and in fact, he might have gotten it from Justin. The only thing that would have made that better is if Brian would have added a little snap at the end of the sentence, but really I’m just splitting hairs here, they’ve done enough.

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