Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 7

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

I Know My Syphilis. It Says You + Me = STD
We open on Pittsburgh’s favorite club and that Babylon branded Thumpa Thumpa! Emmett is sippin’ on a little cocktail and I love how he drinks. He does this all the time. Always with the straw, it’s so cute! Brian asks Em if he’s flying solo and Em says that not everyone is as lucky as Brian to be in a non-relationship. Brian then inquires as to the whereabouts of Ted. It seems Ted is still shaken by his lesbian encounter and really Ted should take his opportunities where he finds them. Brian says that if he doesn’t get back to work he’s fired and Emmett says he’ll be sure to pass on the message. Now that our Ted story line is nicely capped, Brian says he has another announcement to make. Emmett is hoping that it’s half price for all bottoms and it still cracks me up that they won’t let Emmett in free. Maybe it’s just because I’m cheap, but I wouldn’t stand for that. Brian wryly reveals he has syphilis and I love how Emmett is struggling not to laugh. I think I would do the same. Only for curable STDs because as long as you don’t die, or have horrible illness, then it’s pretty funny.

Emmett says it hasn’t been Brian’s year dick wise. Brian says he has to inform all of his past flames so they can get tested. Brian refers to them as his former receptacles and that’s just too nasty for words. And kinda mean. Basically they’re like trashcans for his cum. Eww. Emmett thinks that maybe a full-page ad in USA Today would be more efficient and I have to say I agree. He could put a little graphic of Uncle Sam on it saying, "I Want You… to get tested, because if you slept with me in the last 6 months than you probably have syphilis!" Brian says he prefers the personal touch and Emmett says that it’s the personal touch that led him to spreading the news (and coincidentally, the syphilis). For the first time Brian looks a little pissed but it’s with Emmett so naturally I find it to be hilarious. Brian then goes to the closest guy on the dance floor. "Remember last Wednesday? I have syphilis. Ha! I don’t think Brian’s message delivery will ever get old for me. That guy tells another guy who tells another guy and suddenly we have a Verizon sponsored game of telephone. It’s pretty much like regular telephone except this time the roaming charges are crazy high! I will point out something really stupid. Brian asks the first guy if he remembers last Wednesday, and that guy taps a guy and says, "Remember last Tuesday?" Which, why would last Tuesday matter. Oh, I guess maybe if he thought he’s the one that gave it to Brian, but what a weird conclusion to jump to. My head hurts, moving on. Emmett says fortunately for him he’s been spared that nasty rash, until some guy comes and whispers sweet somethings in his ear. "Till now," he says. Brian lifts his glass and they toast and Emmett starts sucking on that straw again. Seriously y’all think about anytime we’ve seen Emmett drink anything with a straw. It’s so cute. I love Em. Anyhow, I hope they send a messenger to Poppers to spread the word, maybe that’s why that place is shut down. One too many STDs are bad for a club. Ooh, did I just turn into the Foreshadowing Fairy? Awesome!

Patiently Waiting in the Patient’s Waiting Room
MiBen and Mel are awaiting the results. The setup is nice, Ben has his arm around Michael’s leg and they are very loving, and Mel is working off her stress by trying to win the Guinness World Record for fastest page-turner in the magazine category. Lindsay comes out with the baby and Mel and Michael jump into action. Turns out little JR had an ear infection and has a couple of medications to take. Mel grabs the baby and says she’s going to take her home, but Michael is all, “Nuh uh! It’s still my turn!” and Mel is all, “You had your time!” Michael tells her that they had an agreement and Mel says he practically abandoned her and you know what, I’m going to have to issue my first ever SHUT THE HELL UP! to Melanie Marcus. My God! Until I see JR in a dumpster wrapped in newspaper, I’m going to need her to lay off. Linds says they need to calm down and Ben emphatically agrees. Mel harps some more and finally Michael reaches for the baby and says, “Come here Honey Bunch.” Mel’s all, “like hell!”, and Lindsay finally breaks them up.

Then dear readers, we begin the most tiresome tirade of the episode. "Won’t somebody think of the baby? You don’t really care about the baby, you only care about you! And what about the baby? Baby? Baby baby baby, baby? Baby! I’m withdrawing myself from the custody arrangement. Baby baby, baby baybe."
I swear to you, that’s exactly what happened. Linds' deliver of course is smooth and judgmental which I hate. She goes off leaving everyone a little flummoxed.


Rosietta loves Richard, but she don’t like Dick (Sorry, there are way too many scenes in this ep)
Rosietta delivers a plate of heart shaped Jello to Deb. Yeah, I’m going to need her to stop. Rosie also points out the edible pansies and Deb says they’re not the first ones in there. She tells Rosietta that she shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble, but Rosietta says that nothing’s too much trouble for Deb. She tries to set up another date and Deb finally settles in for THE TALK. This has nothing to do with anything, but as I was typing this up, my 10 year old nephew came in the room. I had to pause the show, and he asked if that was the lady who's on Roseanne on the screen. HA! You know Rosietta can see the rejection coming so she tries to buy time by saying she has to deliver food, but Deb insists that Betty can serve them and really who is this Betty and why have we only heard of her? With such a high-ticket guest star as Rosieann Barrdonnell maybe the show couldn’t afford a Betty?

Deb tells Rosietta that she’s pleased that Rosietta likes her to which Rosietta replies she more than likes her. Deb says the only problem is that she’s not gay, but God knows that her life would have been easier if she were. I think we can all look at MeLinds and disagree with that statement. Deb goes on to say that after working there all these years, the gay hasn’t rubbed off and it’s not going to. Rosietta says she didn’t think she was gay at first either, but that was only until she met the right person. Does she mean the Sexual Spoon lady? Deb says that she has met the right person, and his name is Carl Horvath. Well okay then. Rosietta’s a little crushed and tries to leave, but Deb decides to pour kosher and sea salt on the wound by making her stay and listen to more of her drivel. Deb tells Rosietta that she’s not in love with Deb, but she’s happy because she’s being her true self. She’s in love with the real her. Deb is thrilled for Rosietta, but tells her she needs someone that can love her back. Rosietta looks sad and I would feel for her, but… Rosietta.


Coming Out of the Dark!
Emmett lets some sun into Ted’s apartment much to Ted’s dismay. Ted insists that light is his enemy, and darkness is his only friend, but Emmett thinks Ted and Light just need to play together and maybe they’ll like it. Emmett brought a bunch of supplies and tells Ted that it’s time for Queer Guy to work his Fairy Magic. Ted says that the last time he worked his Fairy Magic he almost ended up engaged to Tonya Trucker. Hey! Lay off Ted. She was a decent woman who was willing to protect you. Some men can be so harsh sometimes.

Emmett pulls off Ted’s hat and tries to decide what color Ted’s hair should be. It was confirmed earlier this week that I was in fact the only one that liked Ted’s blond hair and that people were actually throwing block parties at it’s renewal to it’s original color. Or maybe it was just a barbecue. Huh. Anyway, Ted goes on his “I’m ugly” rant and this whole time the camera is again going to great lengths to not let us see his entire face. The odd thing is we keep getting these huge profile shots, but nothing straight on. It doesn’t seem like much has changed though, and knowing this show he’ll probably look exactly the same but shinier and redder. Did I just foreshadow again?

Emmett cuts Ted off and sweetly tells him, “No matter what you look like, there will always be one person who is blinded by your dazzling beauty.” You know 95.263% of me doesn’t want this show to go anywhere near the Ted/Emmett lovin' story line again, but a little part of me would like to see them together… if only for one night. Now turn around, and let me see your booty! God I hate that song, screw you Bobby Valentino!


Homo Hater High
Callie is telling Hunter about Cunt and Lameass’s reactions to the meeting. Callie say’s that Hunter basically called them fascist hate mongers, “You know what that can do to two lifelong liberal democrats?” Right. Okay, I know the show is trying to be all edgy and be all “even democrats have no souls”, but I ain’t buying that for a minute. Callie says that they deserved every bit of what they got, she’s just sorry that he had to go through that. Callie seems to be going to great lengths to get Hunter back and it seems to be working. Callie says she’s glad Hunter stayed and he grabs her hand and says that he is too. He tells her that they can go to the movies or get pizza, or he can steal her father’s car and they can drive to LA. You know what, Callie’s probably got a curfew so I’m thinking they should just go for the- what’s this? Callie rips her hand out of Hunters and he begins to insist that he’s just joking, but then we see some other kid come up and kiss Callie! That little Hoo-er! They walk off and Hunter is rightly crushed. That heiffa couldn’t tell Hunter about that before? Whatever!

Previous Page
Next Page