So That’s What They Call A Family: QAF Recap 508 07-03-05 Page 3

Aren’t you glad you ain’t that way?
By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 508 Aired 07-03-05



We’re at MiBen’s house where Michael is searching for his brooding hubster. He’s in Hunter’s old room smoking a cigarette. This threw me off a bit until I was reminded that Ben did indeed smoke during stressful situations, and that Ben is the worst Buddhist ever. Michael rushes to open a window, but that’s the least of Ben’s concerns, "Where’s his bed?" I’m kind of mad that Michael didn’t tell him he was giving away Hunter’s bed especially considering Ben’s state. Michael explains he gave it to Justin since he needed it. Ben asks if he needed it more than Hunter and Michael tells him Hunter’s not there. Ben insists that he will be and Michael says if that happens they’ll just buy another bed. Okay, I am actually more on Michael’s side with this, but if by some stroke of… whatever, Hunter decided to come back, and his bed was gone? That would be really messed up. Like, we used your wedding money to buy a beach house and turned your bedroom into a home gym messed up. Mikey’s about to leave and Ben asks if he’s going to sell Hunter’s clothes and cut his face out of the photos. Heh, that’s not fair of Ben, but imagine if Mikey had said, "well as a matter of fact." Ahh, the world in my head.

Michael says Ben’s not being fair and that he wished Hunter were there too, but he’s not. Ben insists that he has a little faith. Michael gets semi-poignant and says, "Faith, denial, everyone makes their own choices, mine is to let him go and get on with my life. You choose whatever you want." I noticed that this is Michael’s mantra for the season. Just as Justin’s is "We both wanted different things and for a couple to blah blah blah", Michael’s is "[choice] or [choice], I really don’t care, blah dee blah." It would be really telling of their characters if it weren’t so stupid. And scene!


Anyone You Can Do, I Can Do Better
Briandon are at Woody’s comparing their lists. Brian says he got his #9 twice in the sauna and pulls out some paper to verify three witnesses. What? How many people know about this contest and why? If you were watching a live sex show in the steam room, would you sign a piece of paper saying you watched? This is the dumbest contest ever, but more on that later. Brandon says he got 7 and 8 taken care of, but Brian says while that’s good, it’s not enough, "I’ve only got one to go, Alex Easly, and he certainly lives up to his last name. The guys got a shrine to me in his bedroom." Brandon nods in agreement, "I saw it when I fucked him." I’m sorry, what?!? HA HA HA!!! Poor Brandon, you know you ain’t shit in Torontosburgh when one of the guys in your contest is not only a whore, but has a whole that has a SHRINE to BRIAN in his BEDROOM! HA HA HA HA!!!! That’s just too funny y’all, and Brandon has this, "yeah, so?" look on his face that makes the whole scene worth it.

Anyhow, according to Brandon the task won’t be as Easley (groan) accomplished as Brian thinks. "He leaves for Porto Vi Arta (Sorry y’all CC fart) tomorrow for a two week holiday (their called VACATIONS you frickin’ Canook!) so, unless you’ve got a very long dick (heh) by the time he gets back I’ll not only have evened the score, I’ll have won." Well I should hope so after two weeks which leads me to wonder, how long has this thing been going on? Brandon spots Fugly #9 and takes his leave while Brian schemes. You know the night is still young and this guy is in love with you, why don’t you just give him a booty call? I guess that’d make too much sense.


Sins of the Father
We open on Justin in his dad’s electronic store talking about proposition 14. Justin says, "blah blah blah, no rights, blah blah Nazis, blah blah state" and Craig really doesn’t seem to care. Craig also doesn’t seem like Craig, I remember he used to look a lot like MacGuyver and now he looks pretty old and busted. I’m sure it’s the same guy, but man what a few years can do to a fella. Justin tells his father that he’ll never be able to marry or adopt kids and asks if his dad cares and while I know what Justin wants from his dad, I think it’s time he accepts that he’s never going to get it. If your dad kicked you out of the house, tried to beat down your boyfriend, and then basically disowned you all for being gay, chances are he doesn’t want you to be gay. So your future as a homosexual is of no consequence to him because he didn’t want you to be a homosexual in the first place. There’s a lot of back and forth between Justin and Craig that mostly illustrates that they are on completely opposite ends of the poles. Then Craig pulls out the family values card and Justin retaliates with, "A hell of a lot you know about marriage of family values, you fucked around on mom!" When did this realization come into play? Was this something that we’ve always known, because I don’t remember it? Craig basically tells Justin to shut, what we like to call, the fuck up, and Justin calls his dad a lying hypocrite. Craig then says this, "FYI Justin, I didn’t break up our home life, or destroy your mother’s and my marriage, you did. And you can laugh at that too, but before you announced to us and the world that you were queer and proud of it, we had a family and we were doing pretty good. So if you’re looking for someone to blame, don’t look at me." And it’s so interesting that he said this because he completely blames Justin, and Justin blames himself but has told himself that it’s Craig’s fault. There’s more to that, but it comes later.


ZAP Attack!
Ted and Emmett are walking through the park on a blustery winter day. They pass a food stand and Ted says he would love a jumbo Kielbasa. Wouldn’t we all Ted? And I’m talking about the actual sausage. Emmett reminds him that Ted’s doctor said that lipo is not a license to indulge. Ted says with his luck the unwanted fat would give him a 2nd ass or 2 – 50lb earlobes. Emmett playfully tickles Ted’s ears and Teddy slaps them away. I love watching these two together, they play off of each other so well. Ted looks really good here, like, he’s still Ted, but almost handsome in this scene. I am way too invested in this show, only a few more weeks!! Ted says that fortunately he has Emmett there as his pillar of strength. Emmett scoffs and says he’s not as strong as Teddy thinks, "There I was, sitting beside Drew. God I wanted him so bad, even after I swore I’d never see him again." Ted thinks that Em is just feeling sorry for Drew, but Em says that he told Drew how to stop the whole thing, "all he has to do is come out." Now, I know that this is supposed to fit into the storyline, but why does Emmett think that coming out is a piece of cake? Even if his own experience was easy, hasn’t he heard enough horror stories to know that coming out is hard, much less to millions of fans. I don’t want to say Shut Up Emmett, so I’ll give him a harsh SHHHHH!!!

Ted says that Emmett was lucky that his sexuality was always so obvious and he never had to hide it. Ted recounts a story of his frat days when he was a ZAP with a huge one for his frat brother Jack. Ted told Jack that he had a crush on him and instead of falling madly in love as Emmett suggests, he ended up punching our boy in the nose and telling everyone he was a fag. Ted closes by telling Em that it was hard enough for him to come out much less a mere mortal like Drew. This finally seems to sink into Emmett’s growing head.


Sky Rocket’s in Flight
We are on a jet plane where a stewardess is asking who I assume is A.Easley what he would like to drink. Alex orders a scotch and we follow the waitress to Brian sitting right behind Alex. Brian orders a Johnny Walker and as the stewardess leaves, he leans forward to add that he would like some extra nuts. Suddenly he seems to recognize Alex and Alex recognizes him back. They both renew their memberships in the Mile High Club by getting it on in the bathroom. Brian, beacon of class and sophistication that he is, looks at his watch (while in flagrante bono) and says, "I win, and it’s three hours earlier." I’m not sure what it’s three hours earlier than, or that there was even a time limit on this contest, but it’s sex on a plane so you take your logic where you can get it. I asked Nina if she ever joined the mile high club and she told me no, but that her boyfriend had gotten his red wings. Now that’s just nasty.


Learning to Let Go
Mikey is yelling at Deb because she bought crazy paper for their shelf liners, "Mom, I asked for plain paper!" Then why did you ask Deb? He knows her right? Deb says if he wants to be sane (she says normal) than that’s his problem but not to take it out on MiBen’s kitchen. I notice that through the kitchen we see the TV in the family room. I’m beginning to understand this house a little bit more with each ep. Deb insists that she bought the paper so that each time you open the drawer you get a little surprise, "Or a heart attack!" Michael adds. This paper is really ugly, I suspect it’s what they show to pregnant women to induce labor or something. Michael starts pulling more things out of drawers and pulls a box of Captain Crunch from under a cupboard. It had a not on it that says, "Keep your fucking hands off, Hunter." Ahh, so that’s the point of this scene, because they really had me worried for a minute. Well, bored actually. Debbie says that sounds like a Novotny and then asks if they’ve heard from him lately? Michael says that they haven’t heard a word from him, "That ungrateful little prick, after all we did for him, to just walk away like that. Who else would have taken him in and made him part of the family. I mean, not that I care." For a minute I thought that Michael thought of Hunter as a live-in while Ben thought of him as a son, but now I see that Michael is pretty broken up about it, he’s just choosing not to acknowledge it. And I think we’ve all been there, Michael’s had a lot happening to him over the past few months and I can see his reluctance to identify his pain over another ordeal.

Michael says that Hunter being gone has done a number on Ben. They’ve been fighting about everything, but apparently not so much with the make up sex. Deb asks them about their bed life and Michael drops a vase on the floor. "I just asked you the question, don’t wreck the house." Deb says. Michael and I both agree that the house is already wrecked, except in more ways than one. Deb says that the lack of sex is understandable since they’re both grieving. She goes on to say that they are learning a tough lesson that everybody with children has to learn, "After a point you have no control over them and all you can do is hope you instilled enough strength and common sense for him to survive." And I would agree except they didn’t raise Hunter from infancy, they’ve had him all of two years and while that is enough time to instill some whatever into him, it’s nothing compared to the upbringing he’s already had. Deb goes on to say that they should let him know that MiBen are still here for him if he changes his mind and decides to- Michael cuts her off impatiently saying, "He won’t! You and Ben should both get that out of your heads." Poor Mikey.

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