So That’s What They Call A Family: QAF Recap 508 07-03-05 Page 4

Aren’t you glad you ain’t that way?
By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 508 Aired 07-03-05

My Own Private Santa Fe
Ben is walking somewhere at night, and as he crosses a street he sees a kid get out of a car that looks just like Hunter from the back. He starts to yell and I love how he omits the "t" from Hunter’s name, "Hey Hunner, Hunner!" He grabs the kid who turns around and is most certainly not Hunter, but will be for a price. Ben says it’s not what he’s looking for, and the boy asks what he’s doing there. Like, mind your own business street rat! Ben starts to walk away as Sonot Scott Favor jumps into a spoken word rendition of Anything You Can Do from Annie Get Your Gun. Ben is almost gone but is called back by a kid that says he knows Hunter. Ben asks him where Hunter is and the boy gives a little laugh. Ben knows a hustle when he sees one and takes out some money to give to the boy. I’d like to point out that an unemployed temping professor shouldn’t hand over money so willy nilly, but what do I know? Also, that kid would have been smacked four ways from Thursday if he tried to shake me down, but that’s just how I roll. Ben asks again and the boy says that Hunter left town. Ben asks where he went and I want him to sock this kid sooo bad. "Someplace warm is all he said." Hmm, let's see? 17, No dad, no mom, used to be part of boy's group that he grew out of and now off to live on his own? He's so going to Santa Fe! It was at this time that I paused the show, put in my Newsies DVD, went to the Santa Fe song and sang my heart out. I made a little recording of it that I was going to post on the site, but when I listened to it, I realized I was 24 years old. Being an adult sucks, so you guys miss out this time! Anyhow, Bratty McBratster says Hunter hated it here, and he’s never coming back. Ben looks like he’s about to cry, and finally takes his leave.


Too Close For Comfort
Melanie and Corinne are coming home from their date and gushing about their Grecian dining experience. They talk about everything from the stuffed grape leaves to the lamb. Mel recounts that lamb is Linds’ favorite, "She marinates in olive oil and mint, and then grills it with some… umm," With some what?! I’m intrigued now, I must try this! But Mel realizes that she’s talking about her wife to her new friend and that may not be the best topic of conversation. I’m hoping that Lindsay opens the window to the attic and yells down the rest of the recipe, but no such luck. They talk about Greece and Lesbians and what not and I notice that Melanie is looking more and more like a little elf boy everyday. You know I’m all for women to be glammed up, especially when they’re so beautiful, and you can tell from the promo photos that Michelle is a fan of makeup and she wears it well. I wish they wouldn’t have made her the stereotypical butch lesbian. Maybe it’s so she won’t have to reapply lipstick after all the kissing she’s about to do? Corinne leans in for a little smoocher, but Mel backs up citing onion breath as her excuse. Corinne correctly ascertains that she must have onion breath two, and they will cancel each other out. Mel comes clean and says it’s not just the onions, but that it’s been a long time since, well, you know. Corinne tells her there’s no need to explain and maybe they can go at it another time. Mel smiles and pulls Corinne down (literally, that is a tall heiffa!) and kisses her but good. It’s supposed to be this intense moment, but it looks like a little boy making out with a big ol woman. Like if you took Nicole Kidman as she was in Birth, but with long brunette weave, this would be that movie. Only with a lot more cussing, and of course the lesbianism. They are interrupted by Linds who opens the door. The tragic state of her hair lets us know that she was extremely surprised to see them making out. She was emptying the trash and starts to yammer on about the secret lives of garbage men when Melanie introduces her to Corinne. Linds takes a long look up at Corinne (tall heiffa) and remembers some trash she forgot upstairs. She’s so cute and this scene ends nicely on that rather awkward moment.


Deb’s Diner, the Hottest Spot North of Havana… Way North
Deb brings Emmett a piece of peach pie al a mode and then eats it herself when he doesn’t want it. She’s wearing a shirt that says, "I don’t like to repeat gossip so you better listen close." Heh. She asks Em if he’s still getting calls from "the breather" and Emmett forlornly replies that those may have stopped for good. Deb tells him that it’s a relief, but Em kinda misses them. Brian comes in and orders juice, coffee, and three egg whites scrambled, "It’s a little late for breakfast." Deb says nosily, and Brian obliges her curiosity by proclaiming that it’s perfectly on time when you’ve been up all night. Deb tells Brian that a man of his age should take better care of himself, "You could die of stroke!" Brian hilariously replies, "I’m counting on you to get to me first." Then he sticks his finger in Deb’s pie. The funny thing is that Deb probably will be the end of Brian in some way, I know she’s the end of me. Deb leaves to make his order and Emmett asks where he was, "Tool shed, slammer, pisshole?" Brian replies, "Puerto Vallarta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Well, he’s not that excited about it, but I’m just happy that Closed Captioning picked it up! Emmett thinks that it’s a new club and asks where it is, Brian tells him Mexico and Emmett looks at him amazed. "Well that was a quickie." Brian agrees that it was in more ways than one. He says he had a pressing piece of business to take care of. "And did you take care of it?" Emmett asks. Brian gives a little smile and responds, "Once at cruising altitude, and once while we were making our approach." Emmett giggles a little and I love that Brian and Emmett only really get along when they’re talking sex. They’re like the cuties that are only friends to dish. It’s a fun yet weird little relationship.

Deb brings Brian his coffee and juice and promises the eggs as soon as the hen finishes laying them. The door opens and Ebony and Ivory walk in. Well, Ebony looks like Taye Diggs, but I think we’ll call him Kevin Hill so if needed, I’ll have an appropriate "on top of Kevin Hill" joke ready.

Kevin Hill: "You think he’s a top?" Aww, they’re so Canadian, I love the ones that don’t even try to sound American.
Ivory: "Some of those hunks, when you get them in bed turn out to be the BIGGEST bottoms!"
Kevin Hill: "I’d do him either way." Emmett is intrigued by this conversation and asks who they’re talking about. Ivory points at the paper that Kevin Hill is holding and says, "The queen who just got out-ed." Kevin Hill holds up the World Now and on the front there’s a picture of Drew with a line reading "Boyd Likes Boys!" Clever tabloids, they must be in cahoots with the QAF writing staff. Emmett grabs the paper in disbelief. He looks fabulous by the way. He’s wearing a crazy print shirt with a burgundy/brown base and chocolate brown newsboy cap. Very cute.


HELL NO WE WON’T GO… UNLESS YOU TELL US TO!
The Stop Prop14 is outside of where else but Taylor Electronics. You know I don’t know why they thought this was a good idea. And of course the whole gang is there. Ben is handing out flyers telling customers not to shop there and Justin is on his soap box asking them if they know, "that the owner of this store is a hate mongering bigot who wants to deny honest citizens their rights?" Did they also know that his son is an ingrate little punk that uses worthwhile organizations to fight his personal vendettas? Justin forgot to say that one. Deb tells them not to support business that don’t support all Americans while Deb holds an umbrella over her head. I love that Deb has her own little Farnsworth Bently, I think that’s the only thing I’ll ever ask of my children. Anyhow, I am generally against demonstrations like this because the 'rebel’ wants to shop there more when I see things like this happening. If they are going to do this, why don’t they make a list of gay friendly businesses and encourage people to shop there? If you’re going to tell me not to shop somewhere, then at least give me a worthwhile alternative, because for the most part people aren’t shopping at stores because said stores hate gay people, they’re shopping there for cheap and convenient items.

The police arrive and tell them that they are trespassing on public property. Deb wants to know if he’s going to deny them a few more liberties and you know what Deb? Shut Up! I wonder how the group feels about her just putting herself in their shoes. It’s one thing to show support, but she always takes things too far.

Officer Mustachio tells Deb that if she doesn’t leave, she’ll be forced to. Deb pulls out her Carl card, "Yeah, well my husband, except I’m not married because my gay son here can’t get married (Michael gives an embarrassed little, "Hi." look.)’ just happens to be detective Carl Horvath. Ever heard of him?" Officer Mustachio nods, "Yes ma’m, I’ve heard of you too." HaHA! Deb gives him this, "Hey!" look and says nothing, that’s hilarious! Michael says it’s not a problem and Ben tells them all to move across the street and that they can still make their point without getting into trouble. Deb says that they’ll just yell twice as loud. I forgot to mention that during this entire scene there is a group of protesters chanting "Stop Prop 14" over and over again. When Deb says they’ll yell twice as loud, they all uniformly yell, "Yeah!" Ha! I don’t know why, but that cracked me up. Craig comes outside to keep an eye on the commotion. Everyone is going except, sigh, Justin. Officer Mustachio calls Justin, "son" and tells him he need to leave too. Justin defiantly says, "I’m not your son, I’m his! (shut up Justin!) And I’m not going anywhere." Officer Mustachio wisely suggests that, "Whatever issues you have with your father, you should settle them off the street." And I immediately write a letter to the Canadian actors of America guild asking them to give this guy a raise. Justin insists he already tried that, then he turns to his dad, "I’m standing in front of your door dad, in front of your face. (With arms wide OPEN!… Sorry) Now you can call in your troops, but I’m not going to disappear. So what are going to do? Hmm, c’mon dad, why don’t you show them your great family values and have them arrest your son?"

I personally think that at this time that would be the best example of family values, but I’m a cold hearted snake (look into my eyes!) Craig gives the order and tells the officer to arrest Justin. I know everyone hates him, but I love Craig. I know he’s a bigot and all of that, but he’s a headstrong unrelenting bigot and that’s about as real as this show has ever gotten. Or it could be just because again he looks a little like MacGuyver. Yeah, it’s probably more of that. Ben looks absolutely stupified. The crowd has started chanting "Boo!, No!" and some are still going with the, "Stop Prop 14!" so it’s just this jumble of words that is truly hilarious!


Manhole #5
Brandon is at Woody’s sweet talking some guy when Brian walks up, "Meet my number 10." Evidently #10 was Brian’s #5. So he’s just sitting there? Like, he knows what’s going on? You know, I refuse to try and understand this contest anymore so what you see is what you get people. Brian tells Brandon that he needn’t even bother because he already won. Brandon says that’s impossible since Alex Easly is in Puerto Vallarta and there are no such things as plane tickets being purchased the same day as your flight. Brian tells him of this exciting new fact citing the flight was lovely. He pulls out his plane ticket and tells Brandon that there was a little turbulence in the toilet. Brian again declares himself the winner leaving Brandon to wonder if Brian will collect his trophy. "You bet your ass." Brian says, (wakka wakka) "so you better polish it up."


I Need a Get-Away Car!
Drew is telling Emmett about his blackmailer, "He said he’d go to the press. That if I didn’t pay him, the tabloids would. So I told him to go fuck himself!", Drew was always a sensible man. He says he wasn’t going to give the man any money and what I still don’t understand is why didn’t give him a beat down. Maybe my life is dictated by far too many Tarantino movies, but really now, just one would do. Drew complains that the paparazzo has surrounded his house and he feels like a fugitive. Which is why he called Emmett. Remember when people used to call to have conversations, or invite you places for fun, and not to get counseling because the man whore they slept with had a hidden camera and took pictures of them boning and sold them to the tabloids for a whole lot of money? Those were good times. Emmett lets Drew know that he has a friend. Drew says he’s called his lawyers and will be filing suit. He plans to sue blackmailer for $30 BAJILLION DOLLARS! Well, not that much, it was only million, but still. Em wants to know about the evidence, "aren’t [the photographs] real?" Drew’s got that all figured out with a brilliant plan, let’s listen in, "I’ll deny it!" Oh, okay, anything else, "I’ll say they were photo shopped, the work of a blackmailer." Huh, I’m sure they’ll buy that. Drew’s sure too, "They think they can mess with me they got another thing coming. This time they fucked with the wrong guy!" Actually Drew, sweetness, it was you that fucked the wrong guy, but I’ll let you go for now.

Emmett wisely asks what will happen the next time to which Drew assuredly says there will be no next time. Both Emmett and I know he’s wrong and Emmett asks if he’s going to give up on sex. "Who said that? There are plenty of women!" Yeah, there are Drew, you were even going to marry one until Studly McVideocam showed up. Em asks when was the last time Drew had sex with a woman that he didn’t think about a man, "It’s who you are baby, you can’t fight it. And sooner or later there are going to be other guys. And each time you’ll be scared shitless wondering, did he recognize me, is he going to blackmail me, is he going to the tabloids? I mean is that how you want to spend the rest of your life?" Well, it worked for Sen. Santorum, wait, no it didn’t, wait, yes it did. Right?


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