A Very Special Episode of Queer As Folk: QAF 510 07-17-05 Page 2

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

The Bachelor

Ted is looking at internet porn and declaring someone to be hott. Well, I don’t know that it’s porn yet, but I do know Ted, sooo. Brian comes up and teases Ted about jacking off on the clock and Ted appropriately freaks out. Brian tells him to relax, “This isn’t Wurtshafter’s, you’re in a jerk off friendly environment.” I hope that’s not what they got instead of dental. Or maybe that’s a trade up? Ted tells him that he wasn’t jerking off, but was instead looking for a hubster. Brian heckles him about being a defector, but asks who the lucky guy is. Ted fills us in that he lost his Jewish doctor so now he’s on husbandmaterial.com looking for a man. It doesn’t exist y’all; I tried already, for research of course. He says it’s full of quality guys, and if the guy on the screen is any indication then Ted is dead wrong. Ted goes through a list of men that have less than exciting jobs and who like to cuddle all day. It’s fairly embarrassing and even Ted has to laugh. Brian asks if any of them like to fuck and I wonder the same thing. He demands to see some cock shots and when Ted informs him that there are none; Brian asks how Ted knows their quality. You know I have to agree with that, because women’s breasts are just out there so for the most part men know what they’re getting. Women/gay men have no way of knowing what lies under those draws, I think Brian is on to something.

Brian pushes Ted over and pulls up another website that features a naked man who doesn’t have time for a career. I love how this show made looking at internet porn cool. Thanks Brian Kinney! Oh wait! DICK SHOT!=4. My goodness y’all I almost missed it. They’ve been so sporadic this year wow, that was close. Anyhow the site is Hotmendownunder.com and why Brian would tell Ted about men in Australia is beyond me. I don’t know what the show’s fascination with AU has been, but whatev. Ted notices this exotic location and tells Brian that it’s too bad that our internet hottie lives there. Brian says it’s actually fortunate since he plans on being there in 48 hours. Did Alex Easley take another “holiday”? Why is Brian going to AU? Well my dear readers, it turns out that Brian is completely cancer free and has decided to celebrate by going to gay Mardi Gras in AU. Well isn’t that nice, defeat the cancer and pick up some more syphilis. Ted jumps up and gives Brian this big hug that is adorable and Brian kind of shrugs it off, but you know he liked it. Ted fishes for an invite and says he wishes he could go, but Brian tells him that he has a hubby to find and pushes him back in his chair. So, we all know that Brian ain’t goin’ nowhere right? Just making sure. Gale Harold pulls “bad Australian accent” out of his acting bag and bids Ted a “G’day mate!” before walking away. Why doesn’t Ted have an office? It’s something I just noticed. He doesn’t even have a proper desk; it looks like a folding table. Isn’t he in charge of the company’s financial dealings, and he can’t corral himself an office? That’s how Enron happened people, be nice to your accountants. I have no idea what I’m talking about.

The Best Woman

Lindsay is chopping up some vegetables and once again sporting Carrie Underhair. Melanie walks in and they stare at each other. Suddenly we get a shot of the night before when Mrs. & Mrs. MeLinds got freaky on the dining room table. They both look a little embarrassed and look away from another. Melanie makes comment about whatever it is that Linds is sautéing smelling good, and Linds says she felt like cooking. We get a little pause and Linds says that Melanie ran out. Mel insists that she didn’t run out, but that instead she had a meeting at the hotel. Linds asks how it went and Mel informs her that they were told to find another venue. Linds asks if it’s not a little late for that and Mel looks at her long and hard. Then we get another "sexy lesbians" cut and Mel adjusts her collar and says she’s going to take a shower. Heh. Nice.

Mel’s about to leave and Linds calls her back showing her the vase that she glued back together. It’s funny to me that Linds glued her vase back together, but not Melanie’s depression ware. Melanie nods and begins to take her leave again, but Lindsay is adamant, “Are we just going to pretend? As if it never happened?” Mel says that no one’s pretending and that she hears it happens to a lot of divorced couples. In fact, some say the sex is even hotter then when they were married. There’s a look on Linds’ face that absolutely breaks my heart because you know she thought that they were getting back together. I did too baby, stupid Mel. Mel decides to rub some Kosher salt into the wounds and says that it was not only a mistake, but also a momentary lapse in judgement. Linds elaborates that it was one of those, “in the heat of the moment sort of things”. Mel says precisely and starts to leave again, but once again Linds keeps talking, “So I guess we should just disregard it, move on.” I love the game that Linds is playing, trying to act like she understands by making it clear that she doesn’t. She wants Mel to come full out and either say, I still love you, or I changed my mine, I don’t love you no more. Mel says that disregarding it would be best for all involved and finally walks out. Linds gives her this hateful look that’s completely warranted. Will our lesbians ever get back together? You remember how Brian got them back together by signing over his parental rights? I wonder if Michael could pull that. I don’t see how it would work here, but there’s got to be an answer.

I Woke Up With Shoe Prints On My Face This Morning
Justin asks Deb if she ever dated a younger man and Deb informs us that until Carl came along she was barely dating a living one. Okay, that wasn’t weird and creepy at all. Justin asks her what she would have done if she had the chance and Deb tells him that she would have jumped on him which is what she hopes Jen is doing. Justin gets this like totally gross me out! look on his face and tells Deb that Tuck is half Jen’s age. Deb complains about the young whippersnappers not cutting their parents any slack and educates us that under the sexual bill of rights Jen has the same rights as JustBrian have. She says, "at least if we have any rights anymore." Right, I’m going to need Deb to shut up.

Exposition: Why? I really liked that line; it brought home the point that she was still thinking about the overall cause and prop 14.

SK: But isn’t a bit weird for Deb to lump herself into that category? I mean she can do whatever she wants, yet she complains that her rights are being violated.

Exposition: Well you know Deb is an honorary gay person; we couldn’t have her be straight.

SK: Oh yeah, because straight people are evil. My bad, moving on.

Justin reminds us that him and Brian are quits and Deb takes this time to sneeze all over whatever food she was preparing and then blames it on the pepper. All together now: GROSS! Deb is wearing a shirt that says Do I Look Like a People Person to You?

We move over to Ted and some guy we’ll deem Helmet until we learn his name. This dude’s coif is seriously in poof mode right now. Ted says that he saw Helmet’s profile on-line where it said that he liked to cuddle and I don’t know, crunch numbers, and that it was very appealing. Helmet decides to build up his fun-o-meter by proclaiming he doesn’t really like to go out. Ted gives an inquiring look and Helmet tells a story so awesome that I must transcribe it word for word.

“You see, when I was a kid, the Partridge Family Reunion came to town, and I wanted Danny Bonaducci’s autograph so bad. I waited in line for 4 hours and finally there they were, dressed in those white jumpsuits.” Ted says that he remembers those and he used to have a huge crush on David Cassidy. Now kids, this is where it starts to get truly wonderful, Helmet looks like he’s about to cry as he continues, “Anyway, there was a stampede… I got trampled.”

SK: Mmmmph… mmmphhble…. Mmmmph.

Expo Fairy: Are you okay? I really like this scene; it was Foreshadowing’s idea.

Foreshadowing: Yeah it was my idea! I wanted to show how childhood drama can affect us for life and the ways that we deal with our past issues.

Timmy: He got trampled at the Partridge Family Reunion?

SK: Mmmmmphhh Bwah HA HA HA!! HAAAA!!!!

Timmy: Really?

SK: Ha HA HA!!!

Ted says that instead of being hilariously ridiculous, it is terrible. Helmet agrees that it was pretty terrifying as Sticky Keys picks herself off of the floor and stretches. I’m sorry y’all, but that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Wow. Helmet goes on to say that he still gets nervous in crowds. Deb comes up and refreshes their coffee and asks how the date is going. Ted informs us that it’s not a date, but instead a getting to know you session. Deb asks if they’re sizing each other up to make sure they’re not trolls and then go and fuck, and I’m not sure why she would ask that in front of them, but it’s Deb so I try not to question it too much for fear of an aneurysm. Helmet is shocked by the old lady talking dirty and Ted explains that Deb has a way of cutting to the chase. He then asks if they’ve gotten past the troll stage and I really need Helmet to get a haircut before I make my pass, but Helmet says that all is well. Ted asks for a real date and says he has two tickets to the SP14 event and Cyndi Lauper will be there. Helmet is noticeably hesitant and says he’d love to but… Ted remembers about the "crowds" thing and tells Helmet that maybe they can get together another time. Well dangit if Helmet doesn’t also have a vast amount of hair on his balls because he’s going! His therapist told him to stare down his demons and I don’t know that bringing up your therapist on a first non-date is a good idea, but since he brought out the Partridge Family Trample I guess all bets are off.

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