A Very Special Episode of Queer As Folk: QAF 510 07-17-05 Page 1

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

First of all, bit shout out to ghanst and ultraviolet for the props! I'm glad you enjoy reading!

Previously on QAF:

Mikey’s store gets broken into

Drew comes out then gets suspended

Justin gets hit on by Creepy McCuntcritic (not a critic of cunts, just a critic that is a cunt)

Mrs & Mrs. MeLinds gets rough and stuff with their puffy puffs (oh what a tangled web we weave… I’m sorry, that was gross)

Deb and Brian get like, totally lifted into the ether man, it’s totally existential and stuff

Mikey don’t play that!

Credits: 1,2,3,4,5,6, Shake it DUDE!

There’s a part where these two hands come from each side of the screen and they kind of meet in the middle and connect from finger to palm in a sliding motion. It reminds me of this movie I saw where every time they greeted each other they did that. It was some sci-fi movie and it’s killing me that I can’t figure it out. 500pts to anyone that can guess it!

A Moment Like This

I’m so dense sometimes! I noticed the Cyndi Lauper poster, but had no idea what it had to do with this first scene (I watched this before the previews for 510… I don’t know how so don’t ask). Anyhow, we open on Mikey and Ben talking about the state of the world. Mikey says that just a while ago they were in Canada getting married, and Ben says that now they’re back home fighting for their rights, then Mikey says something about "that asshole in the White House. Okay. I love how Prop 14 has made them say really stupid stuff and get away with it by blaming the president. Like yeah, it's true, but they got married in Canada, because it's legal there, and not here. That’s like saying, “Just yesterday I went to Canada for prescription drugs, and now here I am, back home, without prescription drugs." I don’t know, it was a stupid sentence. Besides, Prop 14 is not a national measure, it’s a state bill so really Bush has nothing to do with it, but since I’m Democrat for the most part, and would have loved to see the yumminess of JohnxJohn in the White House, I’ll go along… for now.

Anyhoo, I’d like to mention that they are hanging just normal sized flyers, and for some reason Ben is using the most industrial strength mailing tape he could find. It’s rather funny when you hear it over the dialogue, “Thanks to that asshole in the white house...” *scccccrrrrriiiiipppp*, go back and listen, it’s quite hilarious. Ben says something about Michael sounding like Debbie and Michael says that once upon a time he would have given Ben a nice meaty can of STFU, but this time he’s flattered. Then he lays a kissy on my Bobby-kins… uh, I mean, Ben, ahem. You know Hal has got to enjoy that to an extent, they kiss way too much for him not to. I want to see a script and see how many extra kisses Hal worked in. We move over to Deb and Justin where Deb is wondering how anyone can find two men kissing to be an abomination. I wonder the same thing myself sometimes Deb, sigh. Justin correctly identifies that a lot of people do, and then incorrectly claims that most people do, unless he means in the greater Torontosburgh area. Deb says everyone’s wrong including that “asshole in the White House” *sscccccccrrrrriiipppp*. She goes on to say that every time a gay minister is defrocked, or their kids are taken away, it just breaks her heart. We suddenly hear someone on a megaphone talking about protecting family and this leads us into our first melodramatic anvil moment of the episode.

This is instantly how I knew it was going to be a Very Special Episode. You see, one night the writer’s took the Exposition Fairy and the Foreshadowing Fairy out for dinner and margaritas. Someone had ti many martoonis and next thing you know Expo and Foreshadowing were granted script approval. Cowlip gave them one episode to prove their chops and it just happened to be this one, so won’t you come along with me for the dramatic ride of your lives? The Expo Fairy and the Foreshadowing Fairy will be popping up now again to talk about their influence in the certain scenes, as well as the assistant director’s dog walker’s nephew’s son who just happened to walk by the set that day. We’ll call him Timmy.

One man is leaning out of the car with a megaphone imploring people to uphold family values and vote to protect the children. Also thinking of the children is a woman who is perfectly enunciating the words, “Stop the Ho-Mo-Se-Xu-Al agenda!” We get slow very emotional music and I ask The Expo Fairy to elaborate on this,

Expo Fairy: Well you see, I knew that this scene was supposed to be hard hitting, but I really wanted it to get through how emotional it was. Because I didn’t think people would get it. Yeah, the people yelling out of the car with megaphones was a nice touch, but I really wanted to let people know that this was mean of the straights to do this, so I focused on it with long extreme slowmotion shots and loud dramatic music.

Timmy: Uncle Stan said they had a lot of extra film since they didn’t write that many scenes for this ep, and were told to really stretch out as many scenes as he could.

Exposition: Shut up kid!

We get close up pans of our gang's faces as the cars drive by with the same woman holding a sign, then not holding a sign. There is a little placard on the window of one of the cars that reads 1 man + 1 woman = marriage. Creative that.

Foreshadowing: That was my idea!

We end this little sequence with Enuncilady fiercely yelling out the window that Jesus forgives sinners. And I agree he does. I also agree with Deb when she says that Jesus thinks Enuncilady STINKS! Enuncilady turns her head back around and seems to do a little underarm check, but I might have made that up.

I’m Sorry; We Don’t Like Money Here

Ben, Michael, Emmett, and Melanie are in a huge ballroom talking about an upcoming event. Emmett says it will be fabulous if he does say so himself. I guess he’s back on his planning feet which is much more suited for him. I wonder if he ever complains about not being sexy there? Emmett asks how many tickets have been sold and Ben says over 300. Mikey puts on his thinkin’ cap and calculates that at $200 per ticket, they’ve already made $60,000! Mel says that doesn’t even include what they’ll make at the silent auction and Ben says it’s not bad for a night’s work. Mikey gives him this really sweet look and this congratulatory pat on the arm, which is funny because Ben didn’t really do anything. I’ll always love my Brikey, but MiBen has really grown on me this season.

Emmett doesn’t want anyone to forget about him and says that everything will be hunky dory if only he could get Drew to participate. For all of you Johnny-come-latelies, Drew was somehow recently suspended from his football team for being gay with no help from any Human Rights group at all. So he’s kind of down about this whole homosexual agenda thing. Ben says it would be great if he could come, but not for the renewal of self he would experience, but for the publicity. Emmett says that his Aunt Lulu once told him that you can’t get shot for asking, and while I have a story that proves that wrong, I will say that if anyone should have a family centered spin-off it’s Emmett. Just a night of his Hazlehurst shenanigans would be enough for me.

A man walks into the room and Melanie introduces him as Troy Harris, the hotel manager. Ben thanks Troy for giving them such a great deal, but Troy cautions them not to praise him just yet for he has some bad news. Troy says that corporate has decided not to hold the event and when asked why says that it’s privileged information. Ben says that considering they just tanked the event, they deserve the privilege of an explanation. He does this with a little head cock and it makes me notice that whenever Ben gets a little snippy he gets really Valley Girlish. Troy says that there are a couple of large accounts that corporate is afraid of alienating and you know what? I’m going to stop because this is beyond dumb. First of all, corporate isn’t going to have anything to do with your hotel unless it’s losing money and even then they’ll send in a managerial change. Secondly, corporate has nothing to do with local corporate accounts, that's something usually set up through the hotel. Now if these companies put pressure on the hotel, I could see their reluctance, however, what hotel is going to turn down a $10K or more event, not to mention the free publicity.

Also, no corporation is going to pull their business from a hotel bases on one event that's not going to do much harm to the reputation of the hotel. Because for the most part, consumers don't care where the companies employees have their business meetings and conventions. We’ve had Dick Cheney come to visit for the Republican Party, and we’ve had GSA events and never had any of this crap. Besides, hotels cannot afford to be political. They have to be open to everybody because everybody spends money and to deny that would be to deny themselves income. Mel surmises that “corporate” didn’t want the hotel to look gay friendly, and there isn’t a hotel in the world that doesn’t want to look gay-friendly. Especially in the real Pittsburgh! Besides, gay friendly isn’t an issue in terms of turning away corporate sponsors. At least not like this. Now if it were a porn-a-thon I could understand the reluctance, but not something that affects an entire community. The only time there is an exception is if it’s a group of obvious hate, like if the KKK wanted to hold a rally. That would not be in the interests of a hotel to sponsor, but this? Plus Cyndi Lauper? Speaking of which, you don’t cancel on frickin’ Cyndi Lauper! I’m sorry y’all, this scene has got me all riled up. Bottom line, they ain’t havin’ the event. There.

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Schedule of Events For Rest of Year!

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Schedule of Events
Ep 510 Recap - I'm shooting for tonight, but it may get posted early tomorrow morning. Know that I'm working on it though!

Ep 511 Recap - Will be out by Sunday at the very latest.

Ep 513 Recaplet - Sunday night, or Monday morning.

Ep 512 Recap - Next Wednesday

Ep 513 Recap - The Wednesday following the 512 recap

Saying Goodbye Special, plus QAF Meme Project extra - Sunday after 513 recap.

Season 1-4 retrospectives - Will be out before the end of the year.


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A Very Special Episode of Queer As Folk: QAF 510 07-17-05 Page 2

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

The Bachelor

Ted is looking at internet porn and declaring someone to be hott. Well, I don’t know that it’s porn yet, but I do know Ted, sooo. Brian comes up and teases Ted about jacking off on the clock and Ted appropriately freaks out. Brian tells him to relax, “This isn’t Wurtshafter’s, you’re in a jerk off friendly environment.” I hope that’s not what they got instead of dental. Or maybe that’s a trade up? Ted tells him that he wasn’t jerking off, but was instead looking for a hubster. Brian heckles him about being a defector, but asks who the lucky guy is. Ted fills us in that he lost his Jewish doctor so now he’s on husbandmaterial.com looking for a man. It doesn’t exist y’all; I tried already, for research of course. He says it’s full of quality guys, and if the guy on the screen is any indication then Ted is dead wrong. Ted goes through a list of men that have less than exciting jobs and who like to cuddle all day. It’s fairly embarrassing and even Ted has to laugh. Brian asks if any of them like to fuck and I wonder the same thing. He demands to see some cock shots and when Ted informs him that there are none; Brian asks how Ted knows their quality. You know I have to agree with that, because women’s breasts are just out there so for the most part men know what they’re getting. Women/gay men have no way of knowing what lies under those draws, I think Brian is on to something.

Brian pushes Ted over and pulls up another website that features a naked man who doesn’t have time for a career. I love how this show made looking at internet porn cool. Thanks Brian Kinney! Oh wait! DICK SHOT!=4. My goodness y’all I almost missed it. They’ve been so sporadic this year wow, that was close. Anyhow the site is Hotmendownunder.com and why Brian would tell Ted about men in Australia is beyond me. I don’t know what the show’s fascination with AU has been, but whatev. Ted notices this exotic location and tells Brian that it’s too bad that our internet hottie lives there. Brian says it’s actually fortunate since he plans on being there in 48 hours. Did Alex Easley take another “holiday”? Why is Brian going to AU? Well my dear readers, it turns out that Brian is completely cancer free and has decided to celebrate by going to gay Mardi Gras in AU. Well isn’t that nice, defeat the cancer and pick up some more syphilis. Ted jumps up and gives Brian this big hug that is adorable and Brian kind of shrugs it off, but you know he liked it. Ted fishes for an invite and says he wishes he could go, but Brian tells him that he has a hubby to find and pushes him back in his chair. So, we all know that Brian ain’t goin’ nowhere right? Just making sure. Gale Harold pulls “bad Australian accent” out of his acting bag and bids Ted a “G’day mate!” before walking away. Why doesn’t Ted have an office? It’s something I just noticed. He doesn’t even have a proper desk; it looks like a folding table. Isn’t he in charge of the company’s financial dealings, and he can’t corral himself an office? That’s how Enron happened people, be nice to your accountants. I have no idea what I’m talking about.

The Best Woman

Lindsay is chopping up some vegetables and once again sporting Carrie Underhair. Melanie walks in and they stare at each other. Suddenly we get a shot of the night before when Mrs. & Mrs. MeLinds got freaky on the dining room table. They both look a little embarrassed and look away from another. Melanie makes comment about whatever it is that Linds is sautéing smelling good, and Linds says she felt like cooking. We get a little pause and Linds says that Melanie ran out. Mel insists that she didn’t run out, but that instead she had a meeting at the hotel. Linds asks how it went and Mel informs her that they were told to find another venue. Linds asks if it’s not a little late for that and Mel looks at her long and hard. Then we get another "sexy lesbians" cut and Mel adjusts her collar and says she’s going to take a shower. Heh. Nice.

Mel’s about to leave and Linds calls her back showing her the vase that she glued back together. It’s funny to me that Linds glued her vase back together, but not Melanie’s depression ware. Melanie nods and begins to take her leave again, but Lindsay is adamant, “Are we just going to pretend? As if it never happened?” Mel says that no one’s pretending and that she hears it happens to a lot of divorced couples. In fact, some say the sex is even hotter then when they were married. There’s a look on Linds’ face that absolutely breaks my heart because you know she thought that they were getting back together. I did too baby, stupid Mel. Mel decides to rub some Kosher salt into the wounds and says that it was not only a mistake, but also a momentary lapse in judgement. Linds elaborates that it was one of those, “in the heat of the moment sort of things”. Mel says precisely and starts to leave again, but once again Linds keeps talking, “So I guess we should just disregard it, move on.” I love the game that Linds is playing, trying to act like she understands by making it clear that she doesn’t. She wants Mel to come full out and either say, I still love you, or I changed my mine, I don’t love you no more. Mel says that disregarding it would be best for all involved and finally walks out. Linds gives her this hateful look that’s completely warranted. Will our lesbians ever get back together? You remember how Brian got them back together by signing over his parental rights? I wonder if Michael could pull that. I don’t see how it would work here, but there’s got to be an answer.

I Woke Up With Shoe Prints On My Face This Morning
Justin asks Deb if she ever dated a younger man and Deb informs us that until Carl came along she was barely dating a living one. Okay, that wasn’t weird and creepy at all. Justin asks her what she would have done if she had the chance and Deb tells him that she would have jumped on him which is what she hopes Jen is doing. Justin gets this like totally gross me out! look on his face and tells Deb that Tuck is half Jen’s age. Deb complains about the young whippersnappers not cutting their parents any slack and educates us that under the sexual bill of rights Jen has the same rights as JustBrian have. She says, "at least if we have any rights anymore." Right, I’m going to need Deb to shut up.

Exposition: Why? I really liked that line; it brought home the point that she was still thinking about the overall cause and prop 14.

SK: But isn’t a bit weird for Deb to lump herself into that category? I mean she can do whatever she wants, yet she complains that her rights are being violated.

Exposition: Well you know Deb is an honorary gay person; we couldn’t have her be straight.

SK: Oh yeah, because straight people are evil. My bad, moving on.

Justin reminds us that him and Brian are quits and Deb takes this time to sneeze all over whatever food she was preparing and then blames it on the pepper. All together now: GROSS! Deb is wearing a shirt that says Do I Look Like a People Person to You?

We move over to Ted and some guy we’ll deem Helmet until we learn his name. This dude’s coif is seriously in poof mode right now. Ted says that he saw Helmet’s profile on-line where it said that he liked to cuddle and I don’t know, crunch numbers, and that it was very appealing. Helmet decides to build up his fun-o-meter by proclaiming he doesn’t really like to go out. Ted gives an inquiring look and Helmet tells a story so awesome that I must transcribe it word for word.

“You see, when I was a kid, the Partridge Family Reunion came to town, and I wanted Danny Bonaducci’s autograph so bad. I waited in line for 4 hours and finally there they were, dressed in those white jumpsuits.” Ted says that he remembers those and he used to have a huge crush on David Cassidy. Now kids, this is where it starts to get truly wonderful, Helmet looks like he’s about to cry as he continues, “Anyway, there was a stampede… I got trampled.”

SK: Mmmmph… mmmphhble…. Mmmmph.

Expo Fairy: Are you okay? I really like this scene; it was Foreshadowing’s idea.

Foreshadowing: Yeah it was my idea! I wanted to show how childhood drama can affect us for life and the ways that we deal with our past issues.

Timmy: He got trampled at the Partridge Family Reunion?

SK: Mmmmmphhh Bwah HA HA HA!! HAAAA!!!!

Timmy: Really?

SK: Ha HA HA!!!

Ted says that instead of being hilariously ridiculous, it is terrible. Helmet agrees that it was pretty terrifying as Sticky Keys picks herself off of the floor and stretches. I’m sorry y’all, but that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Wow. Helmet goes on to say that he still gets nervous in crowds. Deb comes up and refreshes their coffee and asks how the date is going. Ted informs us that it’s not a date, but instead a getting to know you session. Deb asks if they’re sizing each other up to make sure they’re not trolls and then go and fuck, and I’m not sure why she would ask that in front of them, but it’s Deb so I try not to question it too much for fear of an aneurysm. Helmet is shocked by the old lady talking dirty and Ted explains that Deb has a way of cutting to the chase. He then asks if they’ve gotten past the troll stage and I really need Helmet to get a haircut before I make my pass, but Helmet says that all is well. Ted asks for a real date and says he has two tickets to the SP14 event and Cyndi Lauper will be there. Helmet is noticeably hesitant and says he’d love to but… Ted remembers about the "crowds" thing and tells Helmet that maybe they can get together another time. Well dangit if Helmet doesn’t also have a vast amount of hair on his balls because he’s going! His therapist told him to stare down his demons and I don’t know that bringing up your therapist on a first non-date is a good idea, but since he brought out the Partridge Family Trample I guess all bets are off.

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A Very Special Episode of Queer As Folk: QAF 510 07-17-05 Page 3

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

Maximum Occupancy

MiBen are on the phone with Michael in the background and Ben in the foreground. They’re making calls to local places trying to find a place to hold the event. It seems as though the event is Thursday and I’m guessing that this is Monday? I’m not sure about the timeline here as usual. Then Michael asks if the man is sure Saturday won’t work and I have no idea what that’s about at all. The gist of the matter is that there is no room at the inn, and Baby SP14 event will have to sleep in the stables, or Babylon. Oh come on, we all saw this coming.

Expo and Foreshadowing: But I thought we were so subtle?

Michael calls it a disaster, and while I don’t know about that, I can safely say that one thing that’s not a disaster is Ben’s outfit. He’s wearing a chocolate brown shirt with cream-colored khakis and a brown belt. With his complexion, the man is stunning in browns. He’s even more stunning in just him. Mrs. Sticky Gant, I like the sound of it, I wonder if he’s down with the swirl? Ben golly gee goshes his way to suggesting Babylon, but Michael flat out refuses. Ben tries to lay on the guilt trip by saying that he’ll just have to call the center and tell them that the event is off. I’m wondering something. I assumed that food was included in this deal, and we all know that Babylon may be known for it’s cock, but it’s not known for it’s chicken if you catch my drift. If people paid $200 per ticket, aren’t they going to be mad there’s no food? I’m sure Emmett could whip up some coq au vin for everyone, but will it be enough? Ahh, I don’t care anymore, and evidently neither does this scene that ended a while ago. Moving on.

Plowing the Outback

Brian is doing an Aussie who is breathily suggesting that Brian hit up an AU bar called the Bodyline. How Brian found an Aussie in Torontosburgh is beyond me, but we’ll play along since this kid is working it in the “maintain accent while being plowed” category. Russell No then tells Brian to fuck him harder. We move back and see Brian’s pasty little butt moving into Russell’s muscular tanned one. Yeah, I’m going to need casting to do better in this ep, or Gale to do better at the gym. Brian, ever the curious tourist, asks about the clubs in AU. Russ suggests the Arc on Oxford if Brian is searching for a young, friendly crowd. Before Brian can respond he hears a knock at the door. Russell yells for Brian to not stop and although Brian has no intentions to, the person at the door is very adamant about being heard. They even go so far as to dial Brian’s pimp Moto Razr which I would totally own if I didn’t hate Motorola. Brian pulls out of our Aussie who goes to great lengths to not show his dick and rushes to the door with a pillow over his nuts.

I totally thought it would be Michael, but it turns out to be Ted. He said he’s been trying to reach Brian all day and Brian asks why he didn’t just buy a stick of dynamite and blow the door down? Ooh Foreshadowing, did you have anything to do with this?

Foreshadowing: Hee hee!

Ted’s yammering something about the Brown Athletics account (which of course is Brian’s biggest account and one of Drew’s sponsors, hmm wonder where this is going?) and stops short when he sees Russell Mo sitting his bare butt on Brian’s awesome sofa. Ted apologizes for intruding, but Brian reassures him that he’s not as sorry as Russell. Brian urges Ted to get to the point and Ted reveals that Ed Brown just found out the Drew was gay and wants him pulled from his underwear line. Brian says that the photo shoot has already been booked, and the ad space gotten which has nothing to do with Drew, but whatever. Brian’s got a little set of Moobs happening here since they’re a bit too low to be pecs.

First a Little Lana, Then a Little Lovin’

Drew and his square head are watching STTV (I’m guessing Sports Talk TV?) and a man is saying that having a gay team member is disruptive to a team. Just like his gigantic Leonard Malin mustache is disruptive to my stomach. He starts to give an example of a gay teammate in a locker room with the guys, but is graciously cut off by his host who asks if the other teammates will think that Drew is going to jump them. “Can’t those big guys take care of themselves?” I think they can take care of themselves, and of Drew. NotTuckerCarlson goes on to say that he didn’t jump the men before, and he’s not going to jump them now. NotDr.Phil says that by announcing he was gay, Drew has separated himself from the rest of the team. Which I agree is true, but only to the extent that now when they go get whores and strippers after the games, they’ll have to get a boy one for Drew too. It’s just a little extra work people. NotDocPhil messes up his statement by adding that the “spirit of unity” has been broken and will never be repaired. Sigh, that’s too dumb for words. It’s like, on The Jerk when Steve Martin found out he was white, he still took care of his family, there weren’t any major differences, they just had to start clapping on 1 and 3. Because that’s what you do for the people you love, you make sacrifices, unless you’re Justin that is. NotTC asks if NotDocP would remove Drew from the team, and he’s about to answer, but Emmett comes in and turns off the TV. The entire heterosexual population thanks you Emmett because we know nothing good would have come from his comments.

Drew complains that he was watching the TV and Emmett concludes that it would just depress Drew more. He says he got the perfect remedy and pulls out a copy of Madame X. Yeah, Turner Classic Movies for the pro football player. You know not all gay people are that gay Em sweetness. Emmett tells Drew that it stars the woefully underrated Lana Turner who has an illicit affair. After she’s discovered she’s forced to give up her identity and wander the world in a drunken stupor only to return home to murder her blackmailer. Drew asks if that’s supposed to make him feel better and I ask where’s the popcorn and Raisinettes! Something about white folk in crazy drama just appeals to me for some reason. Emmett is holding the box up and we see that the DVD came from Renaissance Video. Y’all, there’s a picture of Adam’s pointer finger, and it’s almost touching a VHS tape. That’s too silly; I would rent from there all the time. Emmett says that Lana always does it for him, but quickly drops the idea. He tells Drew that maybe instead he should go to the SP14 event to meet some of his gay fans and see what an inspiration he’s become. Drew reiterates that he’s a pro-football player and not a pro-fag. He would like Emmett to stop getting him to be the gay poster boy and for a moment I hope that he’s not saying that because it will interfere with his Brown contract, for we know that will be kaput very soon. Emmett gets up huffily and tells Drew that he better take care of himself since he’s got a near naked photo shoot coming up. Drew tells him that “His friend Kinney called” and told him there’s not going to be a photo shoot. I only highlight the dialogue because I love that he called Brian “Kinney”, like that’s his name. Would that be awesome if Brian’s name were Kinny? Can you think of all what the Kinney/Justin, or Kinney/Mikey ships would be like? All kinds of stories about Jinney and Minney. I don’t know, things like that amuse me, and it’s late so I’m very tired.

Emmett is shocked, SHOCKED. Drew says that now he’s officially lost everything and I really expected Emmett to say, “Well you still got me!” but instead Drew continues that he knew coming out wouldn’t be easy, but he never expected it to be this bad. Oh, there’s Emmett with the “still got me” shtick, and he tells Drew that they’ll get through this together. He goes to stroke Drew’s hair and Drew pulls away saying he’d like some time alone. Emmett takes one last look back and takes his leave.

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A Very Special Episode of Queer As Folk: QAF 510 07-17-05 Page 4

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

I’m Just Not That Into Jews

Melanie and Corinne are walking down the street holding hands as Melanie remarks about the frigidness of the weather. Corinne says that Mel can go back to her place and she’ll warm her up. I don’t see how that’s possible since her height would block all forms of heat supply, but she’s a resourceful girl evidently so I’m sure they’ll find a way. Or not, as Mel begins to make excuses and finally just stops. Corinne says she knows what’s going on and Mel tells her that it’s not her. Corinne agrees and says she knows it’s not her, it’s Lindsay. Mel is flabbergasted, but knows Corinne is right. She asks Corinne what gave away her still present infatuation with her ex. Corinne tells a story of penguins and how when her dad left her mom, no matter what the subject was she would turn it back to being about her dad. When Corinne would say penguins, her mom would say, “Your father hated wearing a tuxedo.” She says that Melanie is the same way, “Julia Roberts; Lindsay got her hair cut like Julia Roberts (is that what the problem was? That she said Julia, but got Julia Stiles instead?). The French hate Americans; Lindsay makes a great bouillabaisse.” Mel says that she didn’t realize, and Corinne asks how she could. She says that referring to Linds is a natural to Mel as blinking. She asks Mel to be fair next time though, and that until she can look at a tube of toothpaste without referencing Linds’ perfect smile, to not let a poor girl think she’s got a chance. To that I give a big STFU to Corinne. You knew full well that Melanie just had a baby, and had just gotten out of a 10-year relationship. Mel made every effort to resist you and you just had to get all up in that. SHUT UP Corinne. My only solace from this scene is that it’s the last time we see Corinne, and now the gateways are once again open for MeLinds! Right? Right!?

Brikey on the Brocks

Ted is going on about some new guy they have to replace Drew. Brian and Ted drool over his abs and when Brian asks if he’s straight, Ted says that he has 14 teenage girls that will swear under oath that he raped them. Right, because underage rape is better than gay, shut up show, you are so not slick. Brian asks when they can get him and Ted says they’ll have him booked on the next flight. Brian is happy and we hear a knock on the door. It turns out to be Michael much to the surprise of all involved, but mostly Teddy. “Wow, Michael, it’s a surprise to see you here. Isn’t it a surprise Brian? To see Michael, here?” Brian looks up and says he’s speechless except to say that Teddy and his guest need to get to steppin’. Michael clarifies that he’s there to see Brian and Ted goes to great ambiguous pains to exit stage right. He gives Michael a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder and it’s sweet, but Ted is the black sheep of the subtle family, he just can’t get it right.

Ted finally leaves, and here we go for more Mikey/Brian drama, let’s see how this weave gets all tangled up! Michael says that he won’t waste any of Brian’s time… that he’ll get right to the point… he knows Brian’s a busy man… with important things to do. Brian and I plead with Michael to stop being so considerate and get on with it. Brian guesses that Mikey wants something to which Michael answers in the affirmative. Brian speculates that it’s to apologize to which Michael answers in the negative, “I think it’s you that owes me the apology!” Brian insists that he already apologized and Michael correctly calls bullshit. Michael says it’s because Brian didn’t mean a word of it and Brian kind of snickers, but doesn’t fight that contention. I wonder about that, whether Brian thinks he made an actual apology and tried his best, or does he know that he sounded like an even bigger jerk? After Brian throws the whole apology thing out the window, Michael tells him they lost La Monta’ge for their SP14 event. La Monta’ge, eh? It’s funny because it’s pronounced the snooty French way, but all I can do is think about the Montage Song on South Park “If you want to show a great passage of time you need a montage! MONTAGE! Heh. Michael pussy foots around for a while and finally says that they want to use Babylon. Brian says, “So you want nothing to do with my world until it can help yours.” Michael tells him that this has nothing to do with his world vs. Brian’s world, and while I agree that the sentiment isn’t exactly the same, it would seem as though for Mikey, karma is a female dog and he just got bit. Put some humility on it baby, you’ll be just fine.

Now Mikey really messes it up here because we know it’s completely personal between the two. I don’t see why they sent Michael to ask in the first place, don’t Ben and Mel and the rest of their little group know Brian too? Where’s Linds? She would have been more than happy to ask Brian and Brian would have accepted. Of course then we wouldn’t have this delicious drama, I’m starting to understand this show a little more each day. Mikey says if it’s going to be a problem, to forget it. Brian says he didn’t say no and asks how much they were going to pay La Montage’ (Is there even an accent? I don’t know where it goes). Michael tells them $10K, which is what I guessed and assures Brian that they’ll pay him the same thing. Brian says, “No they won’t.” which just sends Mikey all the way to stupid town where he starts saying that there’s no reason for Brian to gauge the center because they don’t have it. This is how I know that Mikey’s head isn’t on right because when has Brian ever gauged anyone? He spent $100K on that ad campaign against the guy running for mayor, and then when he discovered that the fundraiser for the bike ride was crooked, he rode and brought a crapload of sponsorship that made up for what they already lost. Brian has always been the hero on the money front. Brian, of course, says there’s no charge and Mikey is finally speechless. He says he doesn’t know what to say and Brian and I think ‘thanks’ would be nice. Mikey doesn’t offer any and Brian pretends to be busy to get Michael to leave. Will these two ever mend their ways?!?

MeLinds Mans of Missed Opportunities

Melanie comes in the front door with a bouquet of flowers and yells for Linds. Linds is in the dining room with Jen who is telling her that the house is beautiful and there aren’t a lot of desirable properties on the market. Yeah right, whatever you need to tell yourself for letting Justin live in that rat shack is fine with me, but don’t lie to your customers babe. Jen starts to talk about interest rates but finally notices Mel is there and says hello. She tells Mel that she understands they’re interested in selling the house. Mel was made to understand that they were still thinking about it. Linds completely ignores this and tells Mel that Jen says they could get a $100K at least which would be more than enough to make a down payment on a couple of condos. Jen goes on to say that their’s is a very desirable neighborhood and that she could show it to some people before it was even listed. Lindsay is amenable to this discussion and asks Mel what she thinks. Mel unconvincingly says it sounds great and Jen says to call her soon to get the ball rolling. Poor Jen, we know that they’re not going to sell the house (c’mon, you know it!), but here she is putting all this work into it for nothing. Jen leaves and Mel asks Lindsay about selling the house. Linds says that she was under the impression that they both wanted to sell which confuses me since last night Mel said, “we’re not going to sell the house.” Remember Linds? It was before you had mad, passionate sex on the dining room table, but after Mel got home late from being out with Corinne. I know those things are easy to forget, that’s why you have me. Linds says that they should get things moving and get on with their lives. I love how she does this because she says it very determined, but then kind of backs down at the end.

Now this is the time where Mel says, “I can’t live when living is without you!”, and Linds says, “Do that to me one more time, once is never enough, from a woman like you!” and then they run into each others arms and are suddenly on the beach rolling around in the sand kissing as the tide comes in and they live happily ever after right? Nah, not this time, because that would be too much like right (or really, really wrong depending on how you look at it, rolling in the sand?) Linds compliments Melanie’s flowers and leaves. Melanie says she thought they’d brighten up the house, and by house she means Linds’ pussy. Maybe next time Mel, try calla lillies.

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A Very Special Episode of Queer As Folk: QAF 510 07-17-05 Page 5

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

Working Out The Numbers

Emmett is going off on Brian who is on #44 of lifting the smallest skinniest weights on the planet. Emmett tells him Drew has lost everything and Brian correctly points out that that’s not his problem and he’s running a business and not a support group. Emmett is not one to be easily dissuaded (word?) and wonders how the president of this company could cave to such blatant homophobia. Brian says that he’s going to have an expert explain and calls over the conveniently placed Theodore to help him out. Brian is in side profile and baby boy has one heck of a goiter looking double chin going on. It’s pretty scary y’all. Emmett says that he bets Brian didn’t even try to stick up for Drew and Brian says that he didn’t.

Ted comes over and Brian asks how much they stand to lose if Brown Athletics pulls their account. Teddy asks if he should give a ballpark figure and Brian takes my ‘duh!’ and elegantly turns it into, “that would be appropriate considering it’s a sporting goods company.” Brian’s always helpful in that department I find. Ted says that it’s about a $20mil account, and Brian asks how much of that is profit for Kinnetik (with a k? That’s too dumb for words, but whatev) and Theo surmises about $2mil. May I be the first to say, “Good Lawd that’s a lot of money!” Brian tells Emmett that he can chastise him all he wants for being heartless and it doesn’t cost him a cent, “but kindly explain to me why I should sacrafice a $20mil account just because your boyfriend decides to suddenly announce he’s queer.” Emmett says he can see why Brian’s such a successful businessman and leaves. You know, I’m with Brian for most of this though I feel for Emmett. You all know how I felt about the way Drew came out anyway, but it’s not up to Brian to make things easier for him. Now with Brian being gay, I could see him maybe putting in a good word, but he’s not obligated. I had a black boss that I thought would promote me because I was black. I had the most experience in our department, but I was lacking the degree needed. I thought he would overlook that, but he didn’t and for a long time I hated on him because of it. I got some common sense and realized that it really had nothing to do with him, I found out later (after I got over it) that he gave me a stellar recommendation for a lateral move I made later on and knew that yeah he was down for me, but only as much as he could be. I think that Brian was a little brash in this situation, but I don’t blame him entirely. Moving on.

Melodrama Much?

We open on the next scene of intensity as Brian pulls up his pimp but ugly color car. We see Justin hanging up signs and they make it seem like Brian just happened to see Justin, but I’m not too sure. There’s this music playing in the background and it’s very nice, but the lyrics are somewhat lacking, “I picked you out of the crowd to talk to you, said I liked your shoes, you said thanks can I follow you? So up the stairs…” and I hope this song isn’t supposed to be telling of their relationship because it’s just bad.

Exposition Fairy: I really like that song, the way it correctly identifies the low point that Brian and Justin are at emotionally.

SK: Yeah, but did you actually listen to the words?

[silence]

SK: Well, did you?

Expo: I really like the part that goes, “Do do Do do Do Do Do do do do”

SK: That’s a really good part.

At the stairs part Justin sees Brian and walks over. “So you’re still working the streets?” Brian playfully asks. Justin says, “Thanks to you”, and before Brian can pull out his wallet, asks if Brian’s coming to the event. Brian asks why in Justin’s homosexual dreams (because straight ones are evil and filled with horrid things we can do to gays) would he assume that Brian would attend such an event. Well, because you always do Brian, Justin says that he gave them the club and Brian says that he couldn’t say no to his oldest and dearest friend. Justin also points out that the benefit is to maintain the rights of every gay person in the state including Brian who is self employed, against marriage, and probably won’t adopt any kids. Brian says that Justin will have to fight the good fight without him since he’ll be tanning down under and perhaps a little on top. How Justin knows that Brian is talking about Australia is beyond me, maybe it’s just because I’m too literal. Brian says that he hears gay Mardi Gras in AU is the gayest place on Earth save for Disneyland and I completely agree with that. The boys give themselves a few glances and this is the part where Brian says, “Baby! Baby I need your lovin’!”, and Justin says, “Loving you, is easy ‘cause you’re beautiful.” and Justin jumps through the car window and they put the top down and ride off into the sunset holding hands on the gear shift singing, “We’re gonna fly away, glad you’re going my way. I love it when we’re cruisin’ together.” But does that happen? Nope, much to my dismay (or pleasure, Cruisin?) they do not. Instead Brian says, take care of yourself, and Justin says the same of Brian. Then Brian turns on his car and drives off as we hear more lyrics of the ever poignant song, “pressing hard against your jeans your tongue in my mouth…”

Expo Fairy and SK: “Do do Do do Do do do do Do”

Mother Frickin' Fricasse

Michael and Ben are at the diner and Ben is hoping that everyone knows the event has been moved. Michael says that the center spent all day sending out email and making phone calls trying to inform everyone. Ben wonders if they shouldn’t get Brian something for saving the event, but Michael says he already thanked him and that was enough. And I guess it would be enough if it had actually happened. Ben’s all, “whatever”, but with that little side twinge of guilt he does so well. Michael says he does believe it’s enough and Ben gives an excellent, “hmm”. Michael knows that “hmm” and asks Ben what his interpretation of it is, “you always say hmm when you’re thinking something and you don’t want to say it."

“Do I? Hmm.” Ben deadpans. Heh, I love him more and more with each ep. Gladys on Petu’s boards has this great pic of Bobby kjissing Michael, but Michael is turned so it could be anyone, and on the bottom it says, “I love you Gladys.” It’s so cute. I could be reading it wrong, it could be, “I love you, Gladys.”, but I choose my way because it makes me jealous that I didn’t think of it first.

Ben starts in with it’s a shame, but Michael stops him before he can continue. Ben tells Michael that he doesn’t even know what he was going to say, but Michael’s pretty sure it wasn’t to remind him that he was having his teeth cleaned the following week. Wouldn’t that be pimp if it were? Like if Ben said, “as a matter of fact that’s exactly what I was going to say. It’s a shame that more people neglect their oral hygeine, and maybe we should get Brian a gift certificate for free bleaching, so there!” That would be awesome… or not (please, it would be totally awesome). Deb comes up and laments that KiKi the preop tranny waittress was supposed to relieve her, but hasn’t shown up for her shift yet. Some rudeness asks Deb where his chicken fricasse is and Deb replies that it’s still frickin’. Ben says that they’ll wait for Deb, but Deb tells the boys to go ahead and she’ll be there.

SK: Foreshadowing, I think this is the first time that we’ve seen a slight subtleness in your work. I like that you’ve given Deb a motive to not be there when the bomb goes off, but did so in a way that didn’t entirely give away the explosion. How did you go about doing this?

Foreshadowing:: I totally slipped Expo a rufies, don’t tell!

In The Still of the Night

We are at the SP14 event and everything is in full swing. I won’t go into how they got everything set up so quickly or how they got caterers booked partly because I have no idea about the passage of time (as usual), but mostly because it’s kind of dumb. We see Ted and Helmet McTightCollar walking through the club cautiously. I don’t think we’ve learned Helmet’s real name which lets me know that he’s not the most permanent character in this show, he’s so getting blown up. He’s kind of freaking out and Ted asks him if he’s okay. He says that in his facing fears workshop (which again, TMI, but… Partridge Family Trample) they were given breathing exercises that taught them such techniques as inhaling, followed by (and this is where it gets really advanced) exhaling. That’s right people, so all of you that have been inhaling, and then inhaling, and are still alive, know that you’ve been doing it wrong this whole time. Helmet goes on to say that it also helps if he has a coach and Ted and I wonder if the facing fears seminar wasn’t actually Lamaze. We move over to Ben and Michael and really, how big is Babylon? Because I don’t recall it ever being this huge where you can fit in 300+ people. and tables, and waiters and loads of decorations. Babylon is one of the most changing places I’ve ever seen. Michael is saying that it would help if they could find Deb in there. Ben says not to worry because if there’s one person they could spot it would be Deb. Michael gets a laugh out of this and they join Justin and- ready? MONTE & ELI! You know, for hating them so much, they have really grown on me! At least Monte has, let’s see if Eli does anything in the next 5 seconds to annoy me. “I think I might revisit the Halcyon days of my debauched youth and dance till dawn.” Well Eli, you scamp you, 10 seconds on screen and I don’t hate you yet! I’m not making any promises, but you might just work yourself off my list if you keep it up. Monte says that if Eli makes it to 10:30pm it will be a miracle. I love that man. Ben asks Justin where Brian is since he wants to thank him. Let me say one thing about Ben that I love real quick. He is the number one “One True Pair” shipper ever! He cracks me up in that he knows Brian and Michael aren’t talking, but he sends Michael to ask Brian about the club anyway. He also knows that Justin and Brian aren’t together anymore, yet he asks Justin about Brian’s whereabouts. You just know that if he talked to MeLinds more he’d be all, “So, you gonna add another room to your house? You guys should adopt more kids, you’re so in love.” Ha! He’s so awesome, because he knows like we know that all of this will blow over and wrap itself up nicely.

Justin informs Ben that Brian is in Sydney at Gay Mardi Gras and why is this such a well known event. I was telling my friend about it and she said, “Mardi Gras in Australia? It ain’t Louisiana! That ain’t Nawlins!” and everyone that I’ve asked about it has said the same thing. Odd. Michael says it figures that Brian would be there and Eli says that Brian has slept with everyone on this continent which illicits a huge giggle from Monte. Heh, that laugh saved Eli in my book, and the laugh made me love Monte even more. It was so corny, I wonder what kind of jokes MontEli tell each other at home, that would be another fun spin-off idea. We see Tuck and Jen (who’s sporting Carrie Underhair done right) much to Justin’s dismay. He tells Michael that it’s so Soap Opera, and menopausal, and humiliating. Just like Justin except he’s so telenovella, so juvenile, and so humiliatingly hypocritical. Jen comes up and says hello to Justin and for a second it looks like Ben is checking out her bum. She gives Justin a huge kiss on the cheek and reintroduces Tucker to everyone. Tucker goes out of his way to say hi to Justin and Justin goes out of his way to ignore Tucker. Tuck takes his leave to the bar and suggests a Chardonnay for Jen. This has nothing to do with anything, but I went to a going away party for some people in a sister department at our hotel and everyone had beer (I hate beer so I had a Smirnoff with grenadine, I know, I know, so frou frou, so girlie. It was the best thing I had ever tasted, like pink lemonade, yummy) or liquor except the girl who was playing pool and sipping a glass of Chardonnay. Of course we all had to rag on her, especially since she was wasted after like 3 glasses, but it was funny. Yeah, anyhow Jen says that by the look on Justin’s face maybe she should have ordered a sour apple martini instead. Justin asks if Jen had to bring him and dude seriously needs to chill because that’s another $200 towards the cause. Jen asks if Tuck embarrasses him and Justin says that frankly he does. “Well when there’s a proposition 15, to take away the rights of middle aged women to have a life, let’s hope you show up for me.” and really, thank you Jen. I really hate this subplot in case you couldn’t tell, like the only way to get Jen involved was to create some drama? Sigh.

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A Very Special Episode of Queer As Folk: QAF 510 07-17-05 Page 6

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

Our attentions are diverted to Emmett who is standing on the stage beckoning for our attention which we gratefully give him because… Emmett. Baby boy is glitterriffic as he welcomes us to the event. He says that we may know him as the former channel 5 queer guy, but that he’ll always be our queer guy and let me tell you, we couldn’t be happier. Ted finds Ben and Emmett and finally introduces ‘Lewis’ as the guy he met on husbandmaterial.com. I say ‘Lewis’ because CC says Loius, but I hate every variation of that name because if you spell it wrong it’s like a completely different word. There’s Lois (low-is), Louise (loo-ees), and then Louie (loo-ee) amd it all makes me very nauseous so I’m sticking with Lewis. Hope all the Louise’s out there don’t mind. Anyhow, I will point out that adding the whole husbandmaterial.com thing makes this like the weirdest introduction ever. Ben says that it sounds serious, and I laugh because they think he means that since the site is called husband material, they must be serious about each other while I think that Ben thinks it’s dumb that there’s a paid domain name called husbandmaterial.com. Ted goes on to tell Lewis that Ben and Michael got married in Toronto the past year and Michael says that they could be next. Lewis gives the most uncomfortable look ever and we move back to Emmett who is rousing the crowd up to defeat prop 14. It’s funny because he’s got one fist up kind of punctuating his words, and is nodding his head like, “yeah you guys, like, prop 14 totally sucks and junk, and we like totally need to stop it you know?” Oh Emmett. Emmett tells them to let all the hatemongers, and bigots, and the state capitol and the White House know that they will not be silent… unless of course it’s for the silent auction so get your bids in early. Emmett then announces their star attraction, “a girl like most of us who just wants to have fun. The one, the only, Miss Cindy Lauper!” Everyone cheers and I wonder why Daphne isn’t here? They pass by a woman that kind of looked like her (read = wasn’t white) and it made me think that Justin could’ve spotted her a ticket with all his seemingly non-existent Hollywood money. Ahh well.
The curtain opens and we get lights and strobes, and fake stars and men in chains and the crowd goes wild and there’s no Cyndi… yet. They men are dancing around and there’s this treasure chest on the stage. We go to the audience where Jen and Tuck are kissing and Justin is looking uncomfortably, then we head back to the stage where we open the treasure chest and pale, pale Cyndi pops out in a straight jack and head mic. Oh Cyndi.. Cyndy rhythmically makes her way out of the chest and we get another crowd shot of Lewis, Ted and Michael, and they’re all bopping around, but Michael has his hands in the air and is really jamming. It’s totally cute. Cyndi and her backup dancers start to 1-2-step on stage and she shakes her shimmy a little and breaks out of her straight jacket while lip synching, “Shine, I’ll stand by you. Don’t try to push me away, because I’m going to stay!” It’s nice to know that Cyndi will always be by our sides. Lewis is really getting down and it’s not that I don’t like Cyndi because I do, but this is kind of long.

This is where we start our series of events that lead up to the big bang.

Brian is for some reason standing outside somewhere and gets into his chartered car on his way to AU. We see through the reflection in the car window that he was in front of Blockbuster where I assume he was renting the first season’s DVD’s to get him through his trip?

We move to Mel and Linds who are walking down the ally to the club. Mel has on the most pimp jacket I’ve ever seen. It’s like some Aeon Flux type mess, I love it! She’s complaining about Lindsay taking forever to find an outfit and Lindsay says that the sitter was late so not to blame her. Mel says that Linds is always late and Linds says that pretty soon Mel won’t have to worry about that. Dang, okay then. We see some Constantine Maroulis looking motherfella come up and our girl say hi to who is finally shown as Dusty. Wow, that’s a mannish woman right there. Linds thought that Dusty wasn’t coming, but Dusty says she told Marie (her partner) that it was too important for them to miss so Marie stayed at home with the kids. Yeah, things aren’t fairing too well for Dusty. Linds says that she should have done the same since her new sitter was late. Dusty tells them that they could have just dropped them off and I’m not sure why they didn’t do that in the first place, but okay. Dusty suggests they all go in, but then Mel discovers that she left her cell phone in the car. This conveniently puts Mel out of the club, but she tells Linds and Dusty to go in and that makes me worry about Linds. Then Linds says that she’s going to wait for Mel and tells Dusty to go ahead. Yeah, Dusty’s death-o-meter just went off the charts. Dear Lord what’s going to happen?

We move back inside to Cyndi who is still singing and I assume it’s the same song which makes it a super duper long dance remix. Then there comes a part that I completely forgot about in the next few eps so I’m going to bring it to your attention. Lewis asks for some water and Ted turns and asks Michael to get it for him. He says that Lewis is nervous in crowds and he doesn’t want to leave him. Michael agrees and Ted adds a cranberry spritzer to the order. Michael runs off and then we go back to Cundy who is shining. Wow, y’all know I’ve seen the next two eps and there are so many things that are happening that make the next few eps make a little more sense.

Foreshadowing: The Exposition Fairy wanted us to have a sign that said, “Stand here for maximum injusry caused by the bomb”, but I thought that might be a little too dramatic. So I suggested we put some events that are kind of coincidental to make sure that only certain characters got physically affected by the bomb.

Timmy: My uncle said that you had nothing to do with that. That you were actually behind the sign idea and they had to lock you in the closet until you shut up about it.

Foreshadowing: Don’t you have school right now?

Michael sees Dusty at the bar and they exchange hellos. Michael orders the cran spritzer (and kinda funnily excludes the ice water).

Then it happens. There’s a very bright light and Michael turns and looks which means that he’s looking in the direction of the bar. Ted looks back and Ben looks back and their faces become illuminated. There’s a huge boom and we see Deb outside grab onto a building and ask what the fuck was that? We move then to Brian who is in his car where he hears a special announcement on the radio. There was an explosion at Babylon, the local gay club, where a political fundraiser was underway. Police fear there are many injuries, and possibly fatalities. Brian tells the driver to turn around and we move back to the club where there is chaos.

CC says that there is Mixed Yelling and Wailings of Alarm. I think they meant Wailing of Alarm, like a siren, but I like the other way too. There are ambulances and Firetrucks and reporters oh my. I wonder how long it took them to get there because it seems like an awful lot of time has passed since the explosion. Brian arrives on the scene and makes his way through the crowd. He looks around mystified as he sees people being walked out with various degree of injury. There’s a lot of yelling and screaming and just overall hysteria. He sees Jen and Tuck and rushes over to see if they’re alright. Jen has hurt her leg, but tells Brian that Justin is still inside and Brian has to go and find him. Brian rushes inside where everything is blackened. Firemen are using extinguishers to put out the mini fires around the building and are telling everyone to exit the building as quickly as possible. I don’t see why that wasn’t the case to begin with, I can think of several other places I’d like to hang out in than a freshly bombed building. Brian is making his way through the crowd and we see fireman grab him, but then he just lets go. I’m not sure if that was a cut scene, but it’s a little awkward. Brian yells out for Justin but sees Ted and Lewis who are just standing there. Lewis is hacking up a lung and Brian asks Ted what happened and where’s Justin. Ted says he doesn’t know on both accounts and Brian leaves them to continue searching.

We hear someone yell out, “he’s not breathing!” and another asking for help. We see a bloody shoe, a woman being covered by a drop cloth, and a man who’s neck is propped up on the balcony railing. It’s very sad. There’s some creaking and the smoke is finally getting to Brian. He coughs and there’s a mini electrical explosion. In the light Brian sees Justin and grabs him and hugs him. Someone in the background yells, “Please! This thing is burning!”, but Closed Captioning replaces burning with blowing up. Huh. Brian asks Justin if he’s hurt and he says no and then inquires about his mother. Brian tells him that Jen is fine and asked about him. Emmett comes up and says that he’s happy that Sunshine’s okay and he was worried sick. Brian asks if Em’s seen Michael and when Emmett doesn’t answer, Brian cusses and shakes him. Emmett looks scared to death and we head back outside to see more of the pandemonium. Brian is walking towards and ambulance and we see Al Jolson after his performance for the black panther party on a stretcher being loaded in and holy crap that’s Michael! Sweet mother of God! He is completely burnt up and has cuts and blisters all over the top part of his face. Deb is standing by the ambulance begging them to hurry up and Carl assures her that they’re going as fast as they can. Ben says that he’s riding with him and the ambulance driver at first tries to stop him, but Ben informs him that they’re partners and is told to hurry up and get in. I’m slightly surprised that Deb didn’t make a fuss to ride along, but it’s probably for the best. Deb begs Carl to take her to the hospital and we see Mel and Linds standing behind him as he explains that he’s on duty and can’t leave. He says that he’ll get one of the boys to take her, but Brian volunteers instead.

Mel and Linds are absolutely shell shocked by the events and we move to Ted and Lewis who are heading out of the club. It’s interesting that now CC is spelling his name “Lewis”, I guess they got sick of it too. Lewis says that he should have never come and Ted ties to calm him down, but Lewis bolts from the area. I’m not sure if that was supposed to be funny, but I know I laughed. Stupid, stupid Lewis.

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A Very Special Episode of Queer As Folk: QAF 510 07-17-05 Page 7

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 510 Aired 07-17-05

Patients and Patience and Transfusions and Confusion
We are in the hospital and we get the ER treatment of showing a segment (Brian at the counter) then blackness, showing another segment (Ben sitting in the waiting room) then blackness. It’s very dramatic and I think effective in this instance. It’s like an eye blinking. For some reason this is very reminiscent of the scene in the first episode of the series where Mikey and Ben are running through the corridors while Gus is being born. Does anyone remember if they used this technique? Blackness, Deb, blackness, MeLinds, blackness, Ben. A hand reaches out and grabs Ben’s shoulder and we see it’s Brian who gives him a look of consolation. Deb is wandering around aimlessly and Mel suggests that she sit down. Deb says that she tried that and it didn’t work. In the background we hear the hospital staff trying to adjust to the sudden rush and telling people that they’ll have to wait in the waiting room and they’ll get to them as soon as they can. Deb grows increasingly concerned and wonders out loud what she’ll do if she loses Michael. Ben says, “You’re not going to lose him this is not about you so sit down!” Deb sits down and apologized telling Ben he’s right. Now a lot of people had issue with this scene, I am personally on Ben’s side. Yes, I know that Deb is Michael’s mother, but in a room where you are surrounded by his husband, and his friends, it is rather selfish to wonder what’s going to happen to you if he dies. Because it will affect everyone if he does (which I swear he better not!). Not to say that I don’t understand Deb’s reaction, but I also think Ben’s was appropriate in this instance.

A doctor comes up and doesn’t say anything. I’m guessing that maybe’s he’s a family medic because they all recognize him as being the one that cared for Michael. Brian asks about Mikey’s status and the doctor informs us that Michael lost a lot of blood and will need a transfusion. Brian wants to know what they’re waiting for, and the doctor says that Michael is AB negative and they’re short on his type so they’re checking other hospitals. Brian looks to Deb who motions that she’s not his type. I think this would be a good time to tell everyone that knowing your blood type really helps in these types of situations. It’s one of those things that you hope you’ll never need, but it’s always nice to have handy. Brian says that he’s O negative and since it’s universal he’ll donate the blood. Now I knew that Brian was out of the running because he had cancer, but the doctor asks if he’s gay and Brian and I wonder what that has to do with anything. Ben lets us know that the hospitals won’t take gay blood because of AIDS, and Brian and I ask, “Well what about the studs and bitches that fuck around unprotected, you’ll take their blood won’t you?!” The doctor insists it’s an FDA regulation and I could truly understand that if it were 1985, but this is frickin’ 20 years later and AIDS is growing in everyone, not just gays. I was informed by the lovely posters on Moldy’s board that the measure has since been changed to reflect women who have had sex with men who have had sex with men and so on, but I still think it’s semi-ridonkulous.
Brian is livid and grabs the doctor. Ben holds him back and Brian yells for the doctor to, “Take my blood motherfucker!” Get it Brian! Ben tells Brian that he wouldn’t even be able to give it if he was straight since he has cancer. Brian gets this ohh look, but I’m still behind you baby.

We head back to the club where Drew is wandering through the crowd. Carl points him the in the direction of who I assume is Emmett and Mr. Nelson from Degrassi tries to stop and interview him for some questions. Man, Degrassi High teacher by day, reporter and cable company nightschool partaker by night (He’s in the satellite commercial where the cable guy is teaching them how to screw over their customers). He is a busy man! Mr. Nelson asks if Drew is concerned about losing his fans because he’s gay and yeah right, there is no way that he would ask these question when a frickin’ bomb just exploded. I could see him asking like, “having just come out, how do you feel about the recent events?”, but the other question was just dumb. Drew acknowledges this dumbness and says that at the moment he’s more concerned with people losing their lives. He spots Emmett and runs over and gives him a hug and asks if he’s okay. Emmett says that he has just a little smoke inhalation, but otherwise he’s fine. Drew apologizes for not being there, but Emmett says he's just happy Drew is there now. They hug and Emmett cries tears of relief and anxiety on Drew’s shoulder. It’s very sweet.

We head back to the hospital where the doctor has told us that they stabilized the blood loss, but there was still a lot of internal bleeding from a punctured spleen. Yeah, spleen. Assonthemantle got 500 pts for correctly defining spleen and it’s function. Basically it’s kind of a blood filter, but here’s the actual definition: (put definition). Deb asks if he’ll be alright, but the doctor says that with that amount of blood loss the can only hope for the best. Blood loss from the spleen. I’m sorry y’all, but… spleen? Okay. Doc says he’s going to give them a little time with him and then they’ll need to start prepping. Deb looks at Michael and says, “You better fucking come through this you little shit.” Huh, classy. Ben kisses Mickey’s forehead and we end the scene.


Mending the Broken MeLinds
Mel is in bed with Jenny Rebecca and Linds comes to the doorway holding Gus. Linds says that she’s afraid that she woke Gus, but she just needed to hold him. Mel contends that he’ll go back to sleep. One thing that I find odd about this set up is that Mel seems to be attached more to JR and Linds to Gus, and I understand that, but the only time we’ve seen Linds interact with JR is during the custody thing. I wonder if that’s an issue in gay relationships that have surrogate children? The whole, this is my daughter and that’s your son, but we’re both their parents thing. Anyhow, Mel is sure that Gus will get back to sleep. Linds is about to ask Mel if she’s alright, and then dismisses it as an idiotic question and says of course Mel isn’t alright, and how could anyone be. Melanie says that she’s just grateful, grateful that Linds is always late, and Linds adds that she’s grateful Mel forgot her cell phone. Mel tells Linds to promise her that she’ll never be on time for anything and Linds promises as long as Mel promises she’ll never remember anything. My heart broke here y’all. I remember a time that I hated the lesbians, but they have set up camp in my heart and aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Linds is about to put Gus back in bed when Mel calls her back and invites them into her bed. Linds hesitates, but Mel says please and Linds joins them. It’s very sweet to see them all together and it’s nice they are finally putting aside their differences. They stare long and hard at each other and nuzzle up cuddling their children.


Going to the Chapel
Deb is in the hospital chapel sitting and reflecting and Brian sits in the seat across the aisle from her. Debbie starts by telling us that she’s always been a good Catholic girl even though when it comes to gays and abortion (and birth control and premarital sex, and let’s face it, everything else) she thinks they’re full of shit. She says that despite that she always believed that God knew best and there was a reason for everything that He does. This time though, since it’s something that effected her, she’s not to sure why He let this happen to Michael… and the others. She goes on to say that this time she’s not asking God, she’s telling Him to see that Michael gets through this. I’ve been there Deb, and sometimes my prayers are granted, and there are other times that they haven’t been. Debs adds on that we should take note that she didn’t say, “My son Michael.” because it’s not for her, but for him. Which is still for her, but okay. Brian reaches over and grabs Deb’s hand and Deb asks if he wants to say a prayer. He says no, but tells God that if He knows what’s good for Him, He better fucking listen to Deb. Yeah, I’m sure threatening God’s going to work out gangbusters.


Babylgone
We head back to Babylon where there is still a lot of commotion. We see Cyndi Lauper carrying some guy and I’m glad to see that Cyndi is acting so cool about this. Could you imagine how Xtina or Madonna would react? The guy asks Cyndi if it’s okay that he tell people she saved his life. I thought she said, “Go ahead or my manager will.”, but CC says, “Go ahead, my manager will love it.” How Cyndi is not being swamped by reporters is beond me? Mr. Nelson(?) must have had a late class to attend. Brian is back on the scene and Justin is there. I’m not sure why Justin is still there as it seems like maybe a couple of hours have passed? Justin asks about Michael and Brian says he doesn’t know, but grabs Justin (who’s wearing a paramedic’s jacket again for some reason – did he hook up during the downtime?) and pulls him into a long hug.

And here’s where it gets mind blowingly beautiful people so get your tissues ready. Brian says that when he heard what happened he tried to call Justin’s cell phone but there was no answer, “I was so fucking scared.” Brian’s voice cracks a bit on scared and my heart starts beating a mile a minute. He says that all he kept thinking was, “Please, don’t let anything happen to him.” He pulls Justin in and puts his mouth to his ear, "I love you.” AHHHHHH!!!! Waterworks y’all. What?!?, you what him? Justin is just as shocked as we are and as Brian pulls him back Justin says, “oh”, but not in a jerky way, but in a “who in the what, now?” kind of way. Brian looks him directly in the eyes and says, “I love you.” Justin smiles and cries and kisses Brian. They wrap themselves around each other and hold one another as we end the episode.

We don’t get credit music, but instad traffic noise and what sounds like a helicopter, but is actually an engine stalling. There’s some talk over the two way and some siren noise and we fade to silence.

What an interesting ep. Usually the schlockiness rubs me the wrong way, but I think it worked here. So well done Foreshadowing and Expo, I hope you get those raises you’re gunning for!

Next on QAF:
I didn’t see the next ons, but I did see the episode so I recommend checking out the recaplet for 511!

See you this weekend kiddies!


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