B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 1

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05

Previously on QAF:

After Rage (finally!) got axed, Justin headed back to Torontosburgh with some junk in his trunk and Brian on his mind. And I’m a BriMi girl at heart, but it was hot, I don’t care what you think!

Michael wants joint custody of Jenny Rebecca since MeLinds broke up.

Deb was tolerable, then not… mostly not.

Ted is still old and still fat.

Brian decides to buy a club but apparently doesn’t know how to- you know what? So ridiculous.

Lindsay’s hair looks like it’s fresh out of jail.


Credits: All together now, “Spinny guy, Writhing hands, BEN!” Learn it, Live it, Love it.

Before the credits I notice this ep is rated TV: MA for L and has AL and AC. To me this means it’s TV-MAL, and has A Lot of Absolute Crap. These ratings just get more and more accurate don’t they?

We open on Cirque du So Gay as our “Master of Ceremonies” gets his animals into shape. Somewhere Joel Gray is content with the fact that he did it sooo much better. This man has on red and white striped briefs, a red with black satin trim ringmaster jacket, and fishnet thigh highs. Yes, it’s just as tragic as it sounds, it’s like the stuff that Emmett was going to donate to the Salvation Army, but they wouldn’t take. NotJoelGray is lip-synching some song with a whip in one hand and a chair in the other as he whips his animals (read: hot guys in makeup) into submission. The scene starts out artsy fartsy, but then they get a little creepy with the gnashing, and the freaky faces. It reminds me of this movie I saw when I was a kid. For some reasons some cats infected the town’s children and there was only one little boy left. He ran into one of those dome jungle gyms that look like half of a dodecahedron and the kids climbed over it (why not in it, I have no idea, but it was an older movie) and were trying to get to him, and suddenly their faces changed to cat faces and it freaked me out forever. I’ve been trying to remember this movie for the past 18 years; I know I didn’t make it up! Anyway, if anyone knows, holla at your girl!

So there’s a lot of writhing and whip smacking and it’s not really erotic as much as it is weird and unsettling. I originally thought this was a dream sequence, but it ends up being the return of the Babylon acts. While I’m all for these acts, this? Kinda lame, just sayin’. So NotJoelGray makes them get into this spherical cage and the song ends with the boys in the ball and NotJoelGray looking all weird and even if the place were packed it will still be awkward. The place is not packed though, and there’s only a spattering of applause. It turns into that scene from Citizen Kane where Charles Foster Kane is at the opera listening to Susan sing horribly. It ends, and everyone’s applauded, but Charlie starts the clap again and a few people oblige. Then he stands up and starts with this heavy-handed clap and it’s so awesomely difficult to watch. That’s not exactly what’s going on here, but it reminded me of that, and how much better that is than this.

So Brian starts the Charlie clap, but adds his own brand of whistles and whoos! and it’s so sad and embarrassing that even Justin has to look away. Bri goes to the bar and orders a Grey Goose and arsenic and Ted replies that it should be the $2 special they’re offering, and maybe one of the 3 people in the club will buy it. Brian complains that his promotional efforts aren’t working. Apparently he’s taken out a full-page ad in Out and like, the magazine? Why? I would think that would be akin to me putting out an ad for The Q (don’t let the site fool you, it sucks) in Instinct. See? It’s a waste of money, and you already don’t care. Maybe I’m wrong, but that seems really stupid. Besides, don’t these ads take forever to show up, it is a monthly magazine right? I’m going to need this show to get more creative product placement. Brian has also put window cards in every shop and even hired go-go boys in bikinis to pass out flyers, and we all know how that turned out.

Justin Capt. Obvious Jr's that with promotion like that, there should be a line around the block.

Justin: Why Jr?
Sticky Keys: Because Michael's the Captain, deal with it!

And I agree that with the promotion they have, there would have been. If I had a club that was mysteriously shut down, and reopens not just under new ownership, but the ownership of BRIAN KINNEY, I’d be first in line just to see the drama. That’s why this story line is stupid. If it were Ted’s club I might understand, but this is Brian friggin’ Kinney! Whatever. Ted says there are lines around the block, they’re just at Poppers. Is Poppers a real club or something? Because for never having heard of this club for the past 4 years, it sure is getting great promo.

We hear a riding crop get slammed on the bar, and we see it’s NotJoelGray and he is not pleased. “Drinks on the house!” he demands, “ for wasting our time, and our talent.” Time? Sure. Talent? Don’t flatter yourself Ed Wood, your performance is only quirky because it sucks that badly. Brian offers up his drink, which NotJoelGray accepts prissily. I hope that was the one with the arsenic.

Justin doesn’t get why everyone left. Ted goes on that it’s one of life’s great mysteries, “How does a bud know when to bloom? How does a bird learn to fly? Why do queers desert one club for another?” and I understand he’s trying to be cute, but those questions have nothing to do with each other so it makes him sound bloated. Dare I say Shut Up Ted? And so early in the episode! I was personally going to ask my own great mystery of why these guys take Ted to the club when all he does is sprout self pitying remarks, and corny conundrums, but then I realized that I’m Ted, so we’ll just leave that where we found it, ‘kay?

Justin gives him this great, “Now I remember what it was about Ted!” look that’s actually pretty funny. His face is going to win awards this ep because some of his reaction shots are priceless. Brian gives Ted a look and downs his drink.

Next Page

B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 2

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05


At The Playground!
Mel and Linds are meeting at the park, why? It’s raining and it seems Linds has plastic wrapped the carriage to keep it from getting wet. What an oddly set up scene, but I guess I’ll go with it. Mel is late to their meeting, but Linds says it’s okay. Mel asks how JR was and it turns out she finally fell asleep. She demands to know how much xanax Linds gave her and is there ever a good time for baby prescription drug jokes? I’m not sure, but I don’t think so.

Linds looks confused, but Mel assures her it was a joke and she was just jealous because she could never get her to sleep. They have a real nice dynamic here, like they could be on the way to reconciliation, but we know what show we’re watching so let’s just watch the disaster unfold.

Linds asks about Mel’s meeting with the lawyer and Mel says it went really well. He lawyer says that he’s confident Michael doesn’t have a case against them. He also pointed out that in these situations the courts almost always favor the mother, Mel goes on to cite Hunter’s case as an example. That’s not a very good example Mel, but I see where you’re going. Does anyone else find it odd that Mel has a man-lawyer? I mean, you would think she would be the one to hire Bobbi Benton. You know what else I just remembered? Last year, Mel helped defend two lesbians in a gay adoption trial. She ended up having to sit out because she exerted herself. Why wouldn’t she get those lawyers to help with this case? How strange.

Mel says her lawyer also advised her to go to the custody meeting alone. Linds insists that she has every right to be there as Mel and Michael, “Actually, you don’t. And your presence could prove detrimental to my case.”

“Your case?” And that’s when this scene started to get ugly. Linds say that they were life partners for 10 years, but Mel interjects that now they are divorcing, and that won’t sit well with whoever is making this decision. Melanie tells Linds to trust her and Linds give her this look like, “bitch please!” I would give her points for that, but not until she puts on a hat.


Brian’s Bodacious Office, brought to you by Kinetic!
Lindsay is complaining to Brian about the way that Melanie is treating her, but Brian has cock on the mind. Not that cock you big pervs! He’s talking about chicken! Evidently they do “advertising campaigns” at Kinetic (read: sex ads) and Brian just got a new account from the Blue Rooster chicken chain. They want Kinney to advertise their new 16oz sandwich and Brian comes up with the tagline, “When you’re hungry for a big cock.” Apparently the Blue Rooster people weren’t too turned on by that. I personally would have come up with something along the lines of, “Service your need for cock, or you’ll end up with a Blue Rooster!” I could totally run that place. It’d be into the ground, but that’s neither here nor there. All of this is to show that apparently Brian is in a mojo slump. First club failure, then this ad, then his awfully monotone line delivery that’s usually sexy, but now just seems a little tired. Poor boy is not off to a good season.

For y’all that care, Linds is sporting some Carrie Underwood curly/straight hair right now. It’s kind of wavy, kind of bobbed, and yet it still manages to be completely gross. It’s like Dean, the AI hairdresser, got arthritis one day and took it out on Linds' hair. That’s never the answer Dean. Lindsay is a first frustrated because she thinks Brian’s not listening, but then he asked her what Mel says about it. “She said we have a deal.” Linds says warily,

“You mean the same deal she had with Michael?” Brian asks. Linds says she wants to trust Mel, but she’s not so sure. The problem I have with all of this is that Melanie didn’t break any deals at all. Michael is the one who decided to change the rules, and whether I agree with him or not, it doesn’t change the fact that he changed the stipulations of a verbal contract. All of this, “we can’t trust Mel” talk is just pushing an even bigger wedge between MeLinds which is really not the issue at all. Besides, what’s Mel going to do to screw over Lindsay? Lindsay still has full custody of Gus that can easily be used as a bargaining tool. Of course no one ever remembers Gus so I can see how she could have forgotten that.

Brian tells Linds to stop “bitching and moaning” and do something about it. Linds tells Brian she can always count on him for the cold, hard truth, and then asks what she should do. She looks a little confused, but the one thing I like about Linds (and something that an eagle-eyed poster on QAF.com pointed out) is that Linds is very calculated. She’s a WASP of the highest regards and I think she knows how to be evil, but give off the appearance of sainthood. I personally believe she’s had asking Brian for a lawyer planned the entire time. Brian gives her the number of a “lawyer friend”, along with some sagacious caution, “You’re about to learn what the straights have known all along. In a messy divorce, nobody stays clean.”

Previous Page

Next Page

B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 3

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05


MiBen’s Ugly, Yet Rapidly Improving in the Looks Dept… House
We open on Justin who is painting with some very odd strokes. That is going to be one streaky wall, but at least now we know what he does during the day. Justin’s talking and “when I was in LA-ing” and just being generally annoying. MiBen are too happy about their new house to take offense yet, so this scene continues to drag until Ben says,

“We really appreciate the extra hand. Hey, someday when you and Brian get a house, we’ll return the favor.” Riiight. Ben slept with Brian, and he knows Brian, what’s going on with Ben this season? pixelchiq over at the TWoP boards gave these faces of Ben: “'Roid Rage Ben, Overly-sensitive Author/Professor Ben, Self-righteous, Sanctimonious Prick-who's-suddenly-more-wholesome-and-stable-than-Mel-and-Linz-Ben, Doting, Protective Foster Daddy Ben, or the most recent Ben who we may as well call Ben Dover because there's totally NO life left in his character now that he's settled with Mikey.” And I like these assessments a lot because they’ve helped me realize what’s kind of bothered me about Ben. The rest of the characters themselves haven’t really changed much through the years, or if they have, it was a drastic change followed by a quick turn around. We’ve never gotten a full sense of who Ben was. He seems to be more of a glorified extra than an actual character, and he’s the one character that keeps changing to completely fit the story line and I’m not sure if I like that or not.

Justin tells Ben not to run to the paint store at his promise to help Justin and Brian in the future. Ben tells him he never knows what could happen, but instead of staying on that train of thought he immediately remembers that he forgot to carry Michael of the threshold of their house. I would like to live in Ben’s head someday, just to see what he thinks is going on in this new group of his, and how his thoughts come together. And I would like to look that fine for a day too. You know you were thinking the same thing!

Michael stops what he’s doing and is all, “who in the what now?” but Ben looks to Justin for support,

“C’mon! That’s what married people do, right Justin?” Justin is all, “I wouldn’t know you holly jolly asshole.” Well, I added the last part, but that was the mood he said it in. I guess the Exposition Fairy is doubling up on the Ambien this week because I really like the subtle season 3, season 4 nods going on here. You remember Justin was all gung ho to have Brian as his boyfriend but Brian was not having it? Brian was like, “look, either we do other people, or we don’t do each other.” And I loved that because Justin was all, “OK!” It something that cracks me up to this day, how Brian was the one in the wrong, yet he got Justin to come back to him, didn’t have to say I Love You, gets to sleep with other people, and makes Justin think he was the smart guy behind it. That Brian is an ad man!

Michael pretends to try and pick Ben up and it’s very cute, Ben swoops Michael up and a little part of me is soo jealous. I’ll let you guess which part. He carries Michael to the door (swoon), but before he can get to open it, in walks Debbie bearing snacks. She brought cheesesteaks for Justin and Mikey and a veggie sub for Ben. A veggie sub? Do they make veggie subs? Okay. Michael gets all pissy and stomps off into the kitchen. Deb asks what’s up his ass, and Ben tells her to go find out. Deb cutely says she’ll leave that up to him. I like Ben here because he’s staying true to Michael, but he’s being a nice son in law to Deb. And he’s hot. In the kitchen they have the "no doors" see through cupboards thing that with nice complementary dishes is very nice. My dishes at home wouldn’t cut it unless plastic neon Wal-Mart dishes are suddenly in style, but I digress.

After much sarcasm that would have got me popped in the mouth a couple of times, Michael finally tells Deb that he heard about the conversation Deb and Melanie had, and apparently Deb was on Mel’s side. Deb reiterates that the only side she’s on is Jenny Rebecca’s, and really, what kind of side is that? Either you believe the baby belongs with a single lesbian mother, or you believe she’s better off with two gay fathers. Jenny Rebecca’s side (and God I hate that name) is the one where she’ll be changed regularly, fed, bathed, and loved, and she’ll get that regardless. It’s like if someone asks you if you side with the White Sox, or the Cubs, and you say, “The only side I take is the vendor’s! I’m on the vendor’s side!” So in summation, Shut Up Deb!

Deb goes on her “Baby Mama” rant again and ends with, “I’m sorry that I never gave you what you wanted, but I did what I could.” And I hate this because she’s trying to make it seem like she’s thinking about the baby, but in actuality she just wants praise for her work. Praise that she evidently never got. Everything that she says is true of single mothers, but it’s also the reason that two parent homes are in theory, a better idea. I’ve already given her one Shut Up and I’m sure I’ll have to ration for this ep so I’ll let this one slide. Deb slides on out of the kitchen and out the front door.

Kinetic presents Kinetic, a Kinetic Venture
Brian’s in his office (doing what?) when Ted runs in and proclaims Brian to be “the luckiest fuck in the world!” Apparently he’s found Brian a buyer. I knew he was a pusher, it was only a matter of time. Brian is still trying to be coy about his panhandling and asks Ted what he thinks Brian is selling.

“Babylon!” Ted replies as Brian wipes the sweat from his brow. Ted says that they found a buyer that wants to turn it into a galleria and will give him a nice return on his lease. Why didn’t the old buyer try to sell Babylon to the galleria guy? Huh. Brian doesn’t seem too pleased about this, and though Ted tells him he should be relieved, Brian says he wants to turn things around. Brian is staring awfully hard at the screen. For the next secret Santa, someone needs to get him a glare screen.


Previous Page

Next Page

B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 4

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05


Horvath and Deb’s House of Hissy Fits
Horvath is coming in from his shift as Deb is leaving for hers. She tells him that there’s some Sausages and Rigatoni on the oven and to be careful because the sausages are really garlicky. Mmmm, sausage and rigatoni. Could I put up with Deb for the food? I’ll have to think about that. They kiss, and you know, it’s old people and one of them is Deb so while it’s sweet, it’s also a little grody. He asks when she’ll be home and Deb says 1 am to which Horvath replies, “Good, I’ll be asleep at 12:59am.” He goes on to say that he thought when they agreed to live together, it would be at the same time. I’m suddenly reminded of the time when Deb learned to suck cock and did it so well that Horvath thought she was a big ol whole. That’s to say that Carl likes to jump headfirst into conclusions. So far it’s been working for him, but I don’t know how long that’s going to last.

Deb tells him not to worry because it’s not always like this. Horvath tastes a little of the food and says, “I don’t want sausages and rigatoni!” What?! How could you not want- “I want sausages, rigatoni, and you.” Ohh Carl, you sly dog. Deb says that as soon as Betty gets back from her surgery, she won’t have to do any more late shifts. I didn’t know there were any other employees at the diner. For a long time I thought that when Deb took a break she just closed down shop. This was also around the time that I thought this show was the best thing on TV and that Survivor would never catch on so you see where my head was. Old Horry doesn’t want Deb to work any shifts. Deb goes on about what does he expect her to do for money and when he says, “I have money!” she starts with the “I’ve never lived off anyone and I don’t plan on starting now! I never asked for anything" and blah dee blah”. Carl says she’s not asking, he’s offering and it’s about time someone did for Deb and you know it would be one thing if Deb were sweet and wonderful and gracious, but she holds you to every good deed she does.

I had a friend (had being the key word) like this, and one day she surprised me by cleaning up me room. Then everyday until the day I dumped her trifling butt, if she saw something on the floor she would go on and on about how long it took her to clean up. If we were out it would be, “Sticky Keys is sooo messy, it took me forever to clean her room!” and it got to the point where I almost literally tried to strangle her (I was restrained just in time)! That’s not the reason we’re not friends, that involves abortion, secrets, lies, blackmail, police chases, exploding cars, and stolen money, but it’s seriously a whole nother recap.


Channel 5 News Station
Emmett is at the station and he’s so excited he could pee! Oh Emmett. You can tell he’s nervous and it’s quite adorable. Someone at the IMDB boards said that it was ludicrous for a local news station to have a Queer Guy segment. I wondered about that too, but then decided against actively commenting on it because I don’t watch the legitimate news. Yeah, I’m a societal slacker. I had to watch CNN to see a friend of mine on there and I almost died y’all. Then he wasn’t on so not only was I upset about that and having to watch the news, but I had to look at Michael Jackson’s face a good half hour before I caught on. Such a sad day.

Anyhoo…

Emmett is very jumpy and he’s bubbling over with anticipation, but I guess he picked a bad day to join because it seems as though today is “let’s act like big cunty bastards” day! The way the crew acts is so unprofessional and the fact that they weren’t challenged about it is sadder than this segment. That said, I loved the scene. Let’s go down the list of anchors and see what Emmett thinks shall we?

Jake Anders, News Anchor: Emmett says he’s even hotter in person. Em’s really a generational queen isn’t he? I try my best not to remember George Shickle and his pickle, but this brings that back to me.

Miri Yamasushi, Co-Anchor: and really? That name sounds a little fishy to me, like it’s a merger of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern. It may be legit, but whatev. Emmett loves her hair and says it’s much better than the Lucy red curls she rocked during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. I would be upset with Emmett for busting her out like that, but if she really rocked red Lucy curls then Emmett did her a favor. Miri gives him a look that’s a cross between “Don’t let me meet you in a dark ally” and “Oh no she didn’t!” it’s too cute.

Bud Lock, Sports: Bud is gorgeous! He’s beautiful in that everyman type of way. He makes me want to bud. Sorry about that, I don’t even know what it means. Emmett usually reserves Bud’s segment for peeing, but he likes him all the same.

And weather man.

Emmett: JOHNNY MEMPHIS!!!

Emmett swears by him. Apparently JM said it was going to rain on the day of gay pride and Emmett was the only one whose herringbone survived the 40mph cold front blowing in from the north.

The anchors don’t seem too amused and this is just crap. First of all, this is the most diverse crew I have ever seen in my life. There’s a Latino, an Asian woman, a Black man, and an octogenarian, and not one of them can be down with Emmett? That’s just too dumb for words. I know if there is any sign of minority in the mix I will be there with open arms. Someone at Moldy Tofu’s boards said that this show hated straight people, and I think with this scene I agree. Emmett says it will be great to be a part of the team and Kent Brockman leads him away (I’m sorry y’all, I can never remember his name!)

Previous Page

Next Page

B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 5

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05

Deb’s Diner
Emmett is complaining about his shoddy treatment to Ted. I really like Ted’s hair here. The lighter color for some reason is working for him and it does make it look like there’s more hair. All in all a good move Teddy. Of course as I said before, I know nothing so take that with whatever grain of salt you have available. Emmett says they looked at him like he was from Uranus. He doesn’t care what they say, “It’s always good to come back to your home sweet homo.” Now I agree with that on a certain level, but in Torontosburgh where apparently the gay outnumber the straights and to the point of having exclusively gay neighborhoods, I refuse to believe that a place where they’ll hire niggers, spics, chinks, and oldies, they have a problem with homos. This is PLANTAINS!

Ted says he used to feel the same way after a day at Wortshafters, but Emmett tells him that due to Ted’s ability to pass as straight, it’s easier for him. Reel back that entitlement Em, just because you have the ability to fade into your surroundings doesn’t make it any less sucky. Sometimes it’s even more so since you feel like you can’t be true to yourself at times. At work, I’m the only person of color at the front desk. This is an automatic hindrance, but because of this, I speak and act in a way that I know they’ll deem as “professional”. Just because I can do that and succeed though, doesn’t mean that I don’t hate them all and wouldn’t hesitate to not inform them if the building were on fire. Because I do, and I wouldn't. Emmett says his flame has always burned too big and too bright. Ted gives him an astute “screw you hater!” glance and then tells him to use his burning flame to heat up his soup. I asked my best friend to proof read one of these to see if it made any sense to someone who didn’t actively watch the show. She told me that it might be funny to someone who knew what the jokes meant. There was an awkward silence, and I gave her the Ted, “Screw you Hater!” look as she laughed nervously. Point? I got your back Ted!

Emmett laments that whenever he played on a team he ended up on the bench and he didn’t want that to happen this time. We move over to Deb and Justin at the counter. Deb is messing up a Help Wanted sign and Justin offers to help. Randy Harrison has the strangest “I once was a boy… but now I’m a MAN” look going on with himself in general. It’s very Anthony Federov. He has these weird angles that aren’t fully defined yet and it’s awkward and beautiful all at the same time.

Justin asks who’s leaving and Deb says it’s her. Justin says that Deb can’t leave the diner for she is the diner and what will they do without her? Deb says that they’ll probably complain that the hash isn’t crisp enough, and the soup isn’t hot enough, she looks at Ted, “and don’t think I didn’t hear that!” Ted of course has this great reaction face.

Justin asks if something is wrong to which Deb replies no. She says that after 25 years of complaining about not finding a man, she’s finally got one and won’t spend some quality effing time with him! While I know this “retirement” thing won’t last, I don’t find this too out of character for Deb. The only thing she loves more that complaining about how hard she has it, is allowing others to heap on the praise, so I think she’ll live it up for a while before caving in. Justin’s done with the sign and Deb calls it a work of art but never shows it too us. Some of the greatest works of art are those unseen I guess.

BriBri’s Loft (speaking of art, you have to hand it to the man, he can decorate a loft!)
Justin is printing some crazy pics and Brian comes home and gives him and extremely domesticated hug. It’s very interesting to see these two in a situation that isn’t directly before or after sex and/or fighting. You can tell there is love present, but you also know that it’s there in total conflict with whatever perception lies in their relationship. Justin wants desperately to be a normal couple, but is hiding it because he knows Brian isn’t budging. I think on some levels Brian would like to be normal, but knows that if he isn’t rebellious, that no one else will be at the level that he was able to. It’s a tug of war of emotions and these little subtle nuances are really worth the watch if you’re into that sort of thing. And I think you are.

Brian looks at Justin’s work and says it’s good. Justin says it’s brilliant, and based on the beauty of the past 15 seconds; I’m going to let that one slide. Brian has my back though and says, “An artist can never have too high of an opinion of himself…” which I count as a point towards the “Shut Up, Justin” category. Justin tells us that the prints were for his final school project. Brian says it still can be, but Justin says it’s too late. And it would have been if the Hollywood thing worked out, but it didn’t so that little art degree would get you some places. “Why don’t you just go back and finish the little bit of school you have left?” says the girl who took a 6-month break from college and hasn’t been back in 4 years. I’ll be quiet now.

Brian says that after Hollywood, it would seem like a prequel to go back, and Justin adds that it wouldn’t be a very good one. Okay, y’all know how much I hate Rage the movie, but could you imagine the campy awesomeness of Rage the prequel? I almost want Rage to get made just so the prequel could get green-lighted. I really like prequels; it’s a strange thing for me.

Justin says he’s looking for a new beginning and Brian offers him a full time career at Kinetic. Justin declines saying “It’s time I make my own way in the world”. He then proceeds to walk around the loft, wear clothes, and eat food that he didn’t pay for. Brian says it’s just as well because he’s about to lose his shirt over the failures at Babylon. He starts to change and Justin asks where he’s going. He says to the galleria formerly known as Babylon. Justin starts “when I was in LA-ing” about how the clubs would have lines around the block of people waiting to get in. Brian says it sounds great, but Justin says it was really no different that what they have here, they just made it seem like it was.

Brian gets this stupid epiphany and says, “Sunshine, how did I ever get along without you?” Justin says he didn’t and I’m really inclined to disagree, really inclined. But they don’t care what I think; they care about getting it on. Bow chicka wow wow, indeed.

Previous Page

Next Page

B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 6

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05


The Diner
Deb is holding interviews for her replacement and it seems that the first applicant left her good lung at home. She’s hacking and coughing and it’s really nasty. They’re trying to be cute here, but it’s really just filler that leads us up to Emmett’s big premiere.

Emmett is sooo cute. That boy could be on the toilet and I would think he was tops. He’s obviously flustered and very nervous, and there have been many opinions, but it seems he tried to tone down the gay for the viewing audience and went too far. I don’t quite understand his motivations behind this because we know that Kent Brockman hired him for his flamboyant nature. Some said that this was too out of character for Em, but I would like to remind everyone of the time he went in for the AIDS test, and then promised God he wouldn’t be gay anymore. So this? Total Emmett thing.

He’s wearing a black and white striped shirt/tie combination that’s not really working for him. I was under the impression that they had run-throughs before they just put you on the air. Why didn’t anyone address his awkwardness? Deb spots it immediately and says he looks like the Queer Guy for the 700 club. Ted, who is adorably livid, tells her to shut up. Ted just got a million points for me, but it’s to no avail because the points don’t matter.

Em starts out with a lesson on nose hairs. I had to fast forward through this the first two times because it was so embarrassing. Fine Bud Lock looks perplexed (and fine), and even Kent Brockman is all WTF?! The third time I watched it, I pressed mute and read the closed captioning. I turned up the volume to hear Ted questioning Emmett’s decision for his opening act, “Would West Side Story open with the Sharks and the Jets clipping away, would Fiddler... open with Tevye trimming on the roof? Would Phantom of the Opera-“

“Got it.” Deb and I both say. Then there is the voice that launched a thousand complaints. Sigh. Let me explain my ire about Rosie. Some of you may think it’s really homophobic, and for that I apologize. That’s not my intention at all, but I really dislike gay Rosie. You know what Rosie should do? She should try being happy for a while. I know that sounds horrible, but hear me out. Like you know when Ellen came out? Her show became Gay on Display and every ep we were reminded of her gayness and that was cool, but it was a completely different show. So the people that tuned in for awkward unlucky in love Ellen got awkward gay Ellen, and the people that wanted awkward gay Ellen got watered down doctored story lines. A lot of people didn’t know what to do so they stopped watching. Anyhow, then she went away for a while and came back as bubbly happy sure of herself Ellen and people loved her. Because it was new, it was exciting, but most importantly, it was something we could handle.

That's what I want from Rosie. And not for the disgusting, intolerant, stereotypical, happy homosexual reasons, but because you have to know how to work with people. Like pre-gay Rosie was so much fun. She had her talk show, and some movies, and she was funny, and you always thought something was a little different about her, but whatever? She was loud and brassy, but it was loving and very open. I think that more people would have been fine with her coming out, say if it were just exposed one day. Sure you would have your “but she loved Tom Cruise!” freak outs, but overall I think a lot of people wouldn’t have cared because it’s kind of what we knew anyway, but since we are receiving the gift of entertainment, we would let it slide. But when Rosie did come out, she did so with a vengeance, like she knew we would hate her and she wasn’t going to stand for that crap! "I'm GAY mother fuckers and you'll like it! YOU ACCEPT ME!" And here we are -America I mean- all, "Yo, Rose baby! Chill!” We would have accepted her, but then she got all in our collective 'derrieres' about it, and I don't care what anyone says, but that hurts if you're not given warning!

You have to ease America into any lifestyle if you want them to accept it, but when people think gay they don’t think of the people behind the gay, they think of the stigma of being gay. So if you catch them off guard they don’t know what to think. This is doubly hard as an entertainer, because regardless of if it's right or not, you have to make America think that they're getting something out of the deal. You can be gay, as long as you entertain us, but when you come out all hostile, and you give us Ich Bin Kunst, then that's two strikes against you.

That said, Rosie can’t act. I never realized it before, but it’s always the same. I don’t think she realizes that this isn’t the bus movie. I mean, it’s not as bad as the bus movie, but I think she’s still kind of in character. I can’t tell if she’s supposed to be shy, scared, or mildly retarded; maybe a little of each?

Anyhow, Rosie is applying for the job… in the window. She really needs to figure out what to do with her hair. Just in general, because she’s got a really nice head, just no direction. Deb doesn’t care about any of that though, she needs a new waitress so she shows Rosie into her “office”(read: diner booth). We cut back to Emmett finishing up his queer moment and Ted shuts his eyes and sighs, and Justin does this fantastic motion where he looks like he wants to say something, but has no idea what so he just doesn’t. It’s perfect and it cracks me up. Randy Harrison is excellent when he’s not talking.

Rosie introduces herself as Loretta Pye “with a y”. Deb says she’s “Debbie with an I-E”. This is only funny to me because every time I tell someone my name, I have to add the correct spelling. It’s always, “Hi! I’m Stacey, E-Y!” It’s become a little joke amongst my friends and it’s fun so I don’t get bent about it. Speaking of getting bent, go see Crash, it’s really good.

The notorious Deb-I-E inquires about Loretta’s experience waitressing. Loretta asks if waiting on her husband counts, and Deb says it depends on the tips. Evidently they’re not that good as Loretta needs a job now. Turns out hubby caught her kissing her friend Sharalynn (Cherylynn, Sherri Lynn?) and kicked her out, and let me just say Worst.Interview.Ever. I understand that we need an efficient way of providing back-story for Rosietta, but come on! I know this is a gay diner, and you thought it would be okay to divulge your sapphic side, but have some tact! Rosietta goes on to explain that it was just one of those things that happens sometimes. The other woman is married and has three kids so it was just a one-time thing. They were licking the icing spoon and one thing led to another and you understand how it is. And yeah, I agree that it’s the kind of thing that happens all the time, but it happens to gay people, because they’re gay. You really only had one spoon that you slobbered on and then passed to your girlfriend? Because that’s not common, Laura Brown, it’s lesbian. Like you.

Debbie looks amused, and Rosietta regrets saying all of that. She’s been told she talks too much, and to those people who have said these things, I say thank you. Debbie thinks that’s all nice, but cautions that it’s a hard job. There’s taking orders, balancing plates, and making sure the patrons literally keep their pants on. There was a poster that said that Deb was being patronizing, but I have to disagree. I was briefly a hostess at Applebees and one day they needed my help carrying out food. They put these mats on my arms, one on each hand, and one on each forearm, and then these really hot plates. I tried to tell them no, but they weren’t listening and pushed me out of the kitchen. I went exactly four steps, tripped, and food was everywhere. I was exactly four more steps away from the table and they gasped in horror as they watched me dive face first into their food. The point? Waiting tables is an art, and I applaud all who do it, and do it well. Rosietta says she’s a fast learner and that all of her teachers told her so in school. So like, 25 years ago? Those are going to be some hard references to track down. Rosietta knows that she doesn’t have much experience, but she also knows she can’t go home. To prove her worth she gets up and pours Deb a fresh cup of coffee. Deb smiles, she seems reluctant, but hopeful. Our Deb can be sweet sometimes. Sharon Gless is really an amazing actress. When I see her do interviews sometimes I wonder who she’s talking about because though they have a lot of the same values, Sharon has managed to create a being that can be distinguished from herself. It’s a feat that many can’t pull off.

Previous Page

Next Page

B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 7

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05

The Lawyer Lounge
We are in the creepiest conference room I have ever seen. It’s all black and shadowy, and of course it has creepy Lawyer in it which really ups the freak factor. He’s so awesome. He’s giving some little diatribe about how the state of motherhood has become so complicated, “Pretty soon, we’ll be sending cards to ourselves, thanks for cloning me!” Linds gives this great little, “mm hmm”, like, get to the point already. I would give this scene a little “mm hmm” of my own, but I love it, and Lindsay’s hair doesn’t look like the edge of death so I’ll let all of this meandering slide. Have we been introduced to lawyer guy? Do we know his name? He’s definitely a Hey! It’s That Guy!, but I can’t place him and of course the info isn’t on IMDB yet so I guess we’ll call him Creepster McAwesomeCounsel? I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything else at the moment. If there are any ideas, let me know. Creepster tells Linds that they’ll start with her case. She’s not so sure she has one, but Creepster seems to not only disagree, but also thinks based on what Linds told him, they have a pretty good one. Linds doesn’t want him to use what she told him, but he’s insistent upon it. And yeah Linds, I realize that you were probably venting your frustrations, but that’s what your shrink is for, not your lawyer. We don’t know what she says, but she seems to think if it’s outed, she will lose people that she loves. She says Melanie was her partner and McAwesomeCounsel says, “Was.” She cites Michael as being a dear close friend who they personally chose to be their baby’s father. How much did I want her to say baby daddy? A lot. Lawyer says that these people betrayed her and now she has to do what she can to ensure that she gets face time with the baby.

And once again, nobody has betrayed Linds. At all, she really has nothing to do with it. Oh! I guess his name is Mr. Gamen? Whatever, Creepster still stands. Linds doesn’t want to stoop that low, but Creepster assures her that she won’t have to since she got a lawyer. Linds looks like she didn’t think this all the way through. I have more thoughts about this, but I’m going to save them for the round table coming up.

It’s nighttime, which in Torontosburgh is either sex time, argue time, danger time, or club time. Tonight, it’s club time. Emmett and Ted are out and about and Emmett notices some guys checking him out. He makes comment of it and Ted gets all mopey and Em basically tells him to shut up. He says that they probably just recognize him from the news and then he goes on to explain the power of the media through the use of the word “one”. Ted explains the power of the word one in causing annoyance and you know that if you annoy Ted, then you’re really annoying. Emmett mentions Poppers a few times, but when they get to the fork in the road, Ted begins to head for Babylon. Emmett makes it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want to go to Babylon, but Ted says he has to stop by to give Brian a body count. Emmett says it shouldn’t take long because you can probably count them on one hand, and like, great show of support guys? It’s not like you couldn’t do anything to help with promotion. These are the worst friends ever. I remember I had a friend that opened a restaurant, and we had to go there every day and pretend we were eating and that it was so wonderful. She threatened our lives if we didn’t, but I think we would have done it anyway because that’s what friends do.

Our boys approach Babylon and notice a line around the block. Ted inquires as to what’s going on, and Emmett hilariously replies, “Brian’s probably giving blowjobs to all the customers. Honestly, he has no shame.” This cracks me up and I love how Emmett is kind of the only one who’s not overtly fascinated by Brian Kinney. It makes this situation a little more real. It reminds me a little of Ross and Phoebe, where they’re friends, but they’d never get together. Not that Friends is real. Yeah.

Brian and Justin are at the front door as a bouncer hand selects certain ones to go inside. Justin is wearing a gorgeous white jacket with black stripes down the sleeves. It’s absolutely lovely and looks great on him. Just thought I’d throw that out there. Ted wants to know where the people came from and Brian invites him in to show him. The bouncer stops Emmett at the door and he is outraged!

“I happen to be the Channel 5 queer guy which makes me a very special person.” Now the next line is completely obvious and predictable, but for some reason the delivery cracks me up,

“Each of us, in his own way, is unique and beautiful and special, but that didn’t get them in either.” HA! Makes me smile just thinking about it. Emmett gets all prissy and leaves, awww, buck up lil guy, there will always be Poppers. Remember that? Poppers? Neither do I.

Inside the club is empty and Ted is confused! Brian hands out a hundred dollars to the few patrons of the club who we find out have been hired to act like the club is hoppin’. Brian could have probably gotten some ex-boyfriends to do this for free, or at least for the blowjobs, but Brian doesn’t mix business and pleasure I guess. Except, you know, when he does. Ted still doesn’t get it so Justin steps in to help by “when I was in LA-ing” about the clubs in LA where they would stay in line all night just to get in. Ted says that this is not LA, but Brian cuts him off saying,

“Fags are no different than people, tell them they can’t have something and it’s all they want, and they won’t give up until they get it.” Brian gives Ted’s hair a little tsuz (yeah I said it!) and it makes me smile. I half expect Brian to break out into a song and dance of Razzle Dazzle from Chicago, but no such luck, so I do it in my living room, and it’s just as awesome.

Previous Page

Next Page

B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 8

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05


Debs Diner
Deb is training Rosietta who is doing okay, but is a little flustered. The Exposition fairy has weaned herself off of the Ambien and is in full mode as she fills the diner with the prissiest customers she could find. Well done Expo fairy, we thought you were gone for good. Deb schools Rosietta on the difference between a veggie, chicken, and tuna melt and Rosietta delivers them with ease and a little sweat. One particular customer is going for the Razzie in the best glorified extra in a campy gay drama role and informs Rosietta,

“I don’t want fries. I’m watching my carbs, bring me slaw!” that is layered in saturated fat and calories. Great substitute Dr. Atkins would you like your heart attack on the side? Rosietta gets a little flustered and Debbie steps in telling the Sultan of Slaw, “Well you’re going to have to do some extra crunches at the gym because we don’t substitute unless there’s a please.” The boy gets a little freaked out and Deb pulls Rosietta aside. She tells her, “Most of these boys are princesses, but every now and then you get a queen.” She goes on to say that this is a diner and you have to kill or be killed. Rosietta’s not sure if she can handle that, but gets a chance to prove herself as another customer wonders if he’s going to have to wait three days to get an order like the lemon bars. And in case y’all weren’t taking notes, that’s one of the things that will get spit in your food. Or worse. Rosietta looks to Deb for inspiration and Deb gives her the “kill or be killed” fists of fury. Now empowered, Rosietta goes and tells the man, “That’ll be a milkshake, and a bowl of chicken broth.” The man looks confused and asks why he would want that. Rosietta tells him, “because the next time you snap your fingers at me, the only way you’re going to be able to suck anything is through a straw!” Debbie is ecstatic and even utters the words, “By George, she’s fucking got it. Yes!” I expected them to jump in the air and high five while ending in a still frame, but again no such luck. These people have no idea how to put together a show.

Channel 5
Emmett has an idea for his next segment and begins to pitch it to Kent Brockman who we find out is really named Don. So, Kent Brockman it is. Emmett says he wants to do a segment on the serious fashion faux pas of wearing brown shoes with black slacks and how humiliating it is. Kent is apparently wearing brown shoes and black slacks though we oddly never see them. The Expo fairy must be back on the bottle. Poor gal, she is a slave to the Grey Goose and arsenic. Emmett tries to cover his steps, but it’s to no avail for it seems that his segment has been cancelled, or rather, they replaced him. Kent tells Emmett he wasn’t gay enough and the audience and the network execs didn’t buy it.

Justice League Headquarters
I know nothing about lawyer-ing so this round table confused the crap out of me, but after I re-watched it, I realized that this was the meeting before making the decision to go to court. Everyone asks why Lindsay is there and Creepster McAwesomeCounsel says that since the women are in a divorce, Linds wants to look out for her best interests. Bobbie Benton says that Linds has no biological ties to the child and McAwesomeCounsel mentions that the ladies were in a common law relationship for 10 years and even had a commitment ceremony until their dissolve. Mel interjects that it was due to infidelity to which McAwesomeCounsel says that Melanie also engaged in. Mel refines that it was before they were married. Some took this to mean that Mel was more upset that it was while they were married instead of it being with a man, but I think Mel is just saying what she thinks will work here. Bobbie Benton wants to know what infidelity has to do with being a good parent, and what does that have to do with Linds’ claim. McAwesomeCounsel says that Linds has a moral claim to the child and divulges that Melanie endangered life of the baby by over exerting herself during her pregnancy. Mel can’t believe Linds told the lawyer that. I don’t like this because the point of the hearing isn’t to discredit the other parents. I mean, Lindsay isn’t looking for full custody because she feels the baby’s life is in danger; she just wants to ensure some face time with the child. So what is this all about? How in the world did they think this would help any of them? Why didn’t Lindsay do anymore thinking about this? Gah! The best part of the scene comes up when McAwesomeCounsel starts in on Michael, “Who, let’s face it, is just a sperm donor with an over inflated sense of his own contribution.”

Mikey: HEY! Sticky Keys: Ha!

McAwesomeCounsel says that Michael lives with two HIV positive men, one of which is a prostitute,

Mikey: “an ex prostitute!” (Sticky Keys: Ha Ha!) “who was abused…" he looks at Lindsay, "by his mother!” (Sticky Keys: Wheeeeee!!!) I love Hal Sparks and Michael, and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Everyone is contemplative and they’re all mad at Linds. On the plus side her hair doesn’t look too awful. Sorry Linds. They decide to work out an arrangement between the three rather than have all of their dirt dragged out in public.

Gym of Golden Goodies
Ted is watching the beautiful babies as they walk by and guessing what kind of work they've had done. Brian wants to know why Ted doesn’t do a little work instead of wondering what work others have had done. Ted doesn’t see the point, but Justin offers health of the body, soul, and mind as options. He’s quick to add that this advice is not for him, “I only do it so guys can check out my ass.” Then he does this little butt in the air thing and let me tell you, baby got back! (LA face with the Oakland booty). It’s odd that in the top 10 things I love about this show, Justin’s derrière is right at the top.

Ted is still discouraged. “Come back to me when your 3-, 35 (he’s 38) and the sun has begun to set on your endless summer.” And we get another great Justin reaction shot. This time he kind of looks at his butt and is like, “huh?” You really have to see it, but it’s cute as buttons. Ted says he’s been working out 3 times a week for 18 years and mentally calculates that that amounts to 2116 hours spent in the gym, so why not have a snip and clip and be done with it? I would be inclined to agree, but Ted failed to mention that half of that time was spent showering, cruising guys, drinking at the juice bar, and jacking off in the steam room, so really the billable hours only amounted to about 6. That sounds about right.

Emmett comes in like a storm and rants that he got canned because he’s not gay enough. He looks totally odd and he has these weird Missy Elliot boots on. Emmett’s all, “Can you believe that?” and Justin has this “who dealt that?” look on his face and tells Emmett that actually, he seemed a little- but Ted cuts in and says reserved. Emmett says that since he’s a newsman now, that he thought he should tone down the flame a little, but Ted reminds him that, “They hired you because they didn’t want some stiff, boring, straight guy who looks like he’s got a poker up his ass!” Brian interjects by saying, “They wanted some gay guy who looks like he’s got a fist up his ass!” Do I have to start a GROSS! count for this series? Because I really don’t want to. Ted goes on to say they wanted Emmett. Brian pulls a little of his beautiful southern accent and says they wanted, “the queerest, nelliest, ho ho homo in the ho ho whole wide world.”

Previous Page

Next Page

B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 9

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05


Woody's
Ben and Michael are at the bar sipping on some syzzurp and Ben tells Mikey that he barely touched his drink. Mikey says, “I didn’t buy it to drink, I bought it to stare into dejectedly.” That’s cute. I’m going to start saying that to non-alcoholic beverages, like milk and orange juice. Michael is still upset about the round table and says that Linds painted him as a pornographer sex fiend. He is, but he’s the pornographer sex fiend that cares!

Brian walks up and Michael tells him to eff off. Brian smirks and says, “Nice to see you too. Out enjoying yourselves? Although now that you’ve settled into domestic bliss, I assumed you no longer frequented such dubious establishments.” Like Woody’s? Woody’s is the straightest gay bar ever. On another note Angie Aiken and I wonder when Brian started talking like the Dawson’s Creek kids? Ben looks gorgeous and tells Brian that they’re just having a few drinks with their friends. Where? Where are these friends? They probably left after the whole Disaronno dejected death glare thing. Michael points out the key word there is friends, and I absolutely hate Michael’s beat around the bush way of letting you know he’s upset. I’ve hated it forever and yes, I realize that there’s a point when your friends should know when you're mad and says something about it, but sometimes they just don’t know. You acting like a little prick is either going to confuse them, or turn them off, but it’s certainly not going to solve the problem.

Michael conjectures that Brian hired Lindsay’s lawyer. Ben says that if Brian wants to pay for Linds' lawyer, it’s his money and none of their business. Brian tells him that it was well said, but Mikey ain’t having it. “The HELL it’s not. You’re my friend, I thought, my best friend.” While I hate Mikey’s beat around the bush thing, I love how he refuses to sugar coat his feelings. He’s done this a lot this season and I love it. Whenever someone recants with a, “Well, whatever you think is best”, or a “He’s a grown man, he can do what he wants”, Michael is right there all “uh uh girlfriend! I don’t think so!” Then he gives two snaps, a twist, and a kiss, and I love it. Brian says he would have done the same for Michael and Michael says that the only thing he can do for him is to butt out of it. Thanks to Kinney’s butting in, they now have to split custody of JR 3 ways.

“All these gays having kids, I’ll ask you, what is the world coming to,” Brian says as he shakes his head at Michael, “Lindsay’s her parent too, and she has as much right to share custody as you and Mel.” Brian takes his leave and Michael get his next best line of the season, “You know sometimes, I don’t even know who the fuck he is anymore!” The delivery and the emphasis on “fuck” was priceless. I like it because as I said, this season marks a volatile change on the Bri/Mi relationship front. Michael has always looked up to Brian and has always been the Zephyr to his Rage. Now he’s finding out that Rage is kind of a jerk, and not in a cool rebellious way as he begins to see Brian as less of a superhero and more of a man. The problem is that Michael didn’t fall in love the Kinney the man. It’s almost like he has to make a new start and completely evaluate what this friendship was based on. I’ve been there before, and it’s nice to see Michael handle this in a realistic manner. Hal Sparks is acting the absolute hell out of his character this season and I like it!


Channel 5 Bigots and Bitches
They are about to air Em’s segment and just before they yell action Em tears off his shirt and tie to reveal quiet the exciting ensemble underneath. He’s a changed man ya’ll! He’s out of his seat and walking around and being plain old fantabulous Em who informs us that he’s an expert in the four F’s: fashion, food, furnishings, and we’ll save the last f for cable! He decides to do an on-air demonstration and gets an unsuspecting gaffer from the crowd to pink up. The gaffer’s name is Clem and Emmett says he looks like he’s in need of a Divine intervention, but since she was dead, he would have to do it. I like that they brought Divine back up though I remember being very upset during that time because we never got to see him! It was around the time that Michael found out who his real father was and the story focused mostly around that instead of the drag queen who died. I remember at the time I said, the black man can’t get no screen time! Why do I remember stuff like that?


Em puts Clem in a cotton candy pink shirt and it’s adorable because Clem is really freaked out. It doesn’t seem that he’s freaked by being touched by a gay guy, but by being on TV in general, you know he wants to shout out his mom. Emmett pulls out a little electric shaver and Ryan Seacrest secretly compares models. Em shaves the guy's unibrow and tells Clem, “Welcome to civilization!” Then he sits on Clem’s lap and starts to play with him as the segment ends and it’s cute and Em-ish. Everyone in the studio claps and cheers for him, and Emmett is on cloud nine.

Melanie’s House of well, just pretty much Mel.
Gus and Lindsay walk in and Gus gives a spirited, “Hi Mommy!” Melanie finally acknowledges her son, but we find that it’s for all the wrong reasons as she sits him at the table and places a huge plate of brownies in front of him. Lindsay is of course upset and tells Mel that she’s not going to be able to get him to sleep tonight. Melanie says that when he’s there she’ll feed him what she wants. This is really all about the custody battle to which Mel says she can’t believe that Linds tried to discredit her. Linds was just looking after her interests and insists she was going to lose JR in the battle. Yeah, I don’t know how either. Linds is getting ready to leave and Mel says, “You surprise me, I had no idea you were such a killer.” Linds breaks down crying and says, “I learned it from watching you MEL! I learned it from watching YOU!” Okay, that didn’t really happen, but you have to admit, it would have been awesome. She really just gives a curt, “I learned from the master.” Which? Not as awesome. I should totally write for this show, then again being as my jokes only might be funny to people who get what I’m talking about, maybe not.

Previous Page

Next Page

B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 503 05-29-05 Page 10

This goes out to Deb, the ultimate Baby Mama!
by Sticky Keys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05


The Diner Formerly Known as Deb’s
Deb hangs up her apron for the last time and tells some guy in the back that she delivered her last pink plate special. Rosietta runs in and tells Deb that she has to come quick because there’s a disaster at table 3. Deb assures her she can handle it, but Rosietta says she’s never seen anything like this. Deb goes out and is confronted with a gaggle of off key homosexuals singing, “For she’s a jolly good homo!” to her. She smiles and there are two guys holding some banner up the entire time. Why didn’t they just tape it? I would be so angry if I was a hired extra and that were my job!

The singing is horrible and I think Justin is the one that started the song out in the loudest key of suck he could find. That makes me like Justin a little more, I’m not sure why. There’s a black man in the background, nice to see you guy! Someone yells TAKE IT OFF! and cracks me up for days. Deb is very grateful and says now she knows why there’s no gay men’s chorus. The crowd laughs and Ben is smiling and overacting and all, “Heyyyy!!” It’s very cute and Ben is fine so I watch it about 15 more times. Deb tells the boys to behave, be nice to Rosietta, and to put something in the jar on the counter for the Vic Grassi house. You know, I absolutely hated Vic until he moved out of Deb’s house. The very moment I start to love him they go off and kill him and I don’t think I’ll ever fully forgive QAF for that. All the boys are sad and Emmett is starting to tear up. Someone puts on some music (or it could have just been the soundtrack, I couldn’t tell), and Michael shows up with flowers.

Sigh. Let me sum up this scene for you. You were the best mom ever, I love you, I appreciate you, you’re so awesome. The only thing of note about the dialog here is that apparently Michael would have a butter crunch sundae everyday after school while he did his homework and somehow managed not to gain 1000 lbs. On Mikey’s birthday Deb would come to school in her uniform and serve the kids cupcakes and milkshakes. Then she would rob the kids blind by accepting their tips. I don’t know why, but that made me laugh. Just the thought of Deb complaining about the lousy tip Timmy Johnson gave and how she’s going to have a talk with his mother. They hug and forgive each other, and I think it’s interesting to note that this whole time Michael never once recanted on his position of being a better parent for JR. In fact, this whole scene just proved what I was saying about how this had nothing to do with JR, and everything to do with Deb. I don’t think that was intentional, but if it were, this show might be a little more awesome that I already thought it was. Huh.

Kinetic presents the new and improved: Babylon!
From the Thumpa Thumpa of the diner we move to the Thumpa Thumpa of Babylon, which is preparing to open. Brian, Ted, and Justin all toast at the bar and make their way to the front to open the doors. They walk outside and see a line that goes clear down the street and around the corner.

Ted is perplexed, “It’s long, but is it real?” Brian puts an arm around his shoulder, “as the immortal Jeff Stryker says, you bet your ass it is.” Boys file in and one comments that he doesn’t care if the cover is twice as Poppers, he wants in! And that’s why Sticky Keys doesn’t go clubbing, or smoke, or buy herself alcohol, or do drugs. Not for health reasons, but because she’s a cheap money mongering whore who can’t fathom having to pay an entrance fee and having to pay for drinks and drugs. Please. Emmett even had to tip the guy $20 to get in and it’s kind of wrong that they made Emmett pay to get in, but since he was the first dissenter I guess it’s fair. Some guy recognized Emmett as the Queer Guy and tells him he’s fabulous which, while it may be stereotypical, is the absolute best compliment that you can get from a gay guy. It’s like being told that you’re down, or cool by a black person. It’s just nice. Ted asks for a dance from the Queer Guy and they run inside to partay!

Next time on QAF
Michael complains about having to share 1/3rd custody of JR.

Rosietta’s hubbie comes to get her and says, “Let’s go!” Debbie’s 2x4 says, “No!”

Hunter is at a swimming meet and hits his head in the pool causing it to bleed. Some guy shouts out that Hunter has AIDS (I’m guess it’s his ex-girlfriend’s dad from last season since I can’t see how anyone else would know).

Michael and Brian clash more, and it seems Michael doesn’t show up at the club as he promised.

Can’t wait till Sunday! (which I know is tomorrow! I'm going to try to get these out sooner, I promise!)

Previous Page

QAF Caps Extra!: The Scott Lowell/Peter Paige Interview

QAF Caps Extra: The Scott Lowell/Peter Paige Interview

by StickyKeys

I really liked this interview because it reminded me of the great rapport between Scott Lowell and Peter Paige. Those two work so well together.

When asked about what to expect from the upcoming season,

Peter Paige says that you can expect a lot of alliteration. You know when you know what something means, until the day you find out that you have no idea what it means? That’s what happened with me and alliteration. Here’s the definition: the repetition of the same starting sound in several words of a sentence. As you can see that very sentence contained alliteration. See? Learning can be fun! Scott suggests making a drinking game out of it, but Peter thinks that may be dangerous,

“How hammered Harry might happen to be.” Peter says he tried but it was kind of a crash/burn Paula Abdul moment.

Peter asks Scott what other things can us lots of lucky lookers look forward to?

Scott’s hilarious as he begins to talk about all of the interviews he’s done since this the last year. He reveals a big secret about the relationship between Justin and Ted. Peter cracks up and grabs the mike back from Scott, “Can I have the mic? Thanks.” Ha! Scott says if you look between the lines it’s really there.

I would like to take this time to say that I have indeed looked between the lines, and I really like the dynamic that Justin and Ted have together. It’s like, their friends are friends, but they’re not really close with each other. I think they would be there for each other if needed, but the only person Justin really cares about is Bryan, and Ted is there for Emmett and Michael. I kind of love how their group is representative of a lot of groups. Where you can all like each other, but you don’t have to be the best of the bestest of friends with everyone. It’s very cute watching them because they’re comfortable around each other, but there’s a sense of distance too, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Anyhow, Peter decides to dig deeper and become Geraldo Rivera at the opening of King Tut’s tomb. It was actually Al Capone, but the only reason I know that is because of I Love the 90s. Praise Christ for VH1, praise Him! Peter is wearing the oddest silver necklace that I covet. I must have it because it’s clunky and a little awkward, and I have the perfect earrings to go with it.

Randy comes in and Peter calls him over to set the record straight. Randy is looking really good here, but also a little short. Randy’s odd because sometimes he’s gorgeous, and other times he’s meh. Well, as long as he hold on to that booty I’m fine!

Randy says that Scott would rather the connection be between them rather than Justin and Ted, but Scott maintains that he’s keeping everything professional. Is Randy a prick? Not because of this, but he seems a little snotty. I remember they were asking him how he felt about it being the last season and he was all, “Well it’s the last season for me because I want to do more with my talent,” and I remember thinking, "yeah, because Bang Bang You’re Dead really put you on the map!" Did I mention I’m a little bitter with Randy for making me sit through that crap? That may be where this is coming from.

Peter asks how the affair started and Randy replies (through bites of what must be the biggest Toblerone he could find. I’m going to need him to chew and swallow) that it started with a gold Rolex watch. Scott starts to tell of when Ted got his Rolex it attracted Justin. Peter interjects that this is because Justin is a gold digging, money grubbing, whore. Ted says that it’s the reason he’s with Brian and Randy says it’s the reason he’s still with Brian. Scott reminds us that Justin only moved out when Brian lost his job and really, this is the funniest thing I have ever seen in relation to this show.

Randy is still chewing, yet we have not seen him take a bite of anything. Maybe he has a Bit O’ Honey, those things are sticky like whoa! Scott says that when Ted started to move up in the world Justin took notice and was looking for a sugar daddy and one thing led to another. Scott insists that Justin and Ted have a lot in common including (but not limited to) the opera, the arts, and violin players. He says that Ted understands Justin’s soul, and I’m inclined to agree.

Scott says it’s kind of a scoop for the web site and that the blogs will be buzzing, Peter says the blogs will be abuzz. He then says the fanfic will flow freely. And that’s it. I highly recommend watching this because it’s top notch.

If you would like to leave a comment, please use the comment space provided.

Three Gays and A Little Lady: QAF Recaplet Ep 503 05-29-05

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 503 Aired 5-29-05

This is the best show on TV. Well, since Lost and Desperate Housewives ended, and before Six Feet Under starts... so for this week? Best Show Ever.

Emmett is the Channel 5 Queer Guy and for some reason decides to gay it down for his premiere segment. He sucks and it's awkward, but if we know anything about Awkward, it's that it feels it's biggest competition is itself.

It moves from Emmett over to MichMeLinds as they become embroiled in a three way custody battle for Jenny Rebecca. Lindsey didn't trust Melanie to do the right thing, and with the help of Brian got herself a man lawyer! He's creepy, he's cynical, and he's just perfect. For some reason Linds tells him all of her dirt, but then almost doesn't let him use it. She tries her best to look uncomfortable, but we know Linds, and when the claws show it is utterly delightful.

Debbie decides to retire to spend some "quality time" with Horvath who I'm beginning to love more and more. Her stress isn't over yet as she finds out that Mel misinformed Michael as to her intentions. She says she only cares about the baby, but we know she only cares about herself and proves this point by going on yet another single-mother tirade. She won't stop until Michael says okay and gives her flowers.

Awkward looks thoroughly satisfied with itself, and moves on to Rosie O'Donnell's acting. Which? Kind of horrid... but I don't hate her so I guess it's an improvement. I don't know if she's trying to do cross promotion for that bus movie, or if she's sucking on purpose, but she sucks. As I've said though, it's a likeable suck so I'm not complaining... yet.

Brian brings back the acts to Babylon, and it reminds me of this movie I saw when I was a kid. There was this little boy in one of those dome gyms with the bars, and the cat kids were climbing over it and trying to get to him. If anyone remembers that movie let me know because it's been driving me crazy for the past 18 years. This stupid act seems to go on for 18 years and nobody cares, but Brian gets some advice from Capt. Obvious Jr. (Justin) and turns things around.

Let's see, what else happened? Melanie bakes up a nice batch of favoritism brownies for Gus, Ted is getting ready for the old Nip/Tuck, and Linds sports some Carrie Underwood curly/straight hair and looks gross.

Stay tuned kids! It's going to be a bumpy ride!

Go to the recap: B-A! B-Y! M-A! M-A!: QAF Recap Ep 504 06-05-05

Episode Grade: 503

A: Yes, I know Rosie was there. B: Even with Rosie there. C: Meh, but only because of Rosie. D: Rosie sucks-up everything! F: Rosiest Rose that ever Rosed.

Free polls from Pollhost.com

Leave a Comment!