Queer As Folk: On Like Gangbangers! Season 5 Recaps: 2005-05-22

Friday, May 27, 2005

It's Called Create-a-Bear: QAF Recap Ep 502 05-22-05 Page 1

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 502 Aired 5-22-05

And were back!

Previously on QAF:

Michael continues his tradition of embarrassingly awful surprise parties by throwing a secret revealing 10th anniversary soiree for Mel and Lins.
The women get outed again, but this time it’s the information that they are no longer together, and that Lindsey had an affair with a man that gets dragged out of the closet.
Brian makes a lot of money selling drugs, pimping hoes, or whatever it is that he does for a living and decides to use it to reopen Babylon.
Ted is old and fat.
Ben and Michael decided to gay it up suburban style! by buying an ugly house in a pretty neighborhood.
Horvath and Deb decide to stay at Deb’s place and want Emmett to stay too.

Credits: Spinny guy, writhing hands, Ben. I have to watch it every time, and every time I love it more and more.

After the credits, we cut to a shot of Rage butt. Yeah. We go into Justin’s LA,NZ office where they’re tearing down pics and storyboards. There’s this huge cutout of Rage in the background, as JT, I mean, Justin sulkily dreams of what could have been. He takes some of the drafts and puts them in his bag, gives the place one last look and turns away. This is sad y’all. While I’m not a huge Justin fan- and you know how I felt about that stupid movie- I know what it’s like to have a dream, have it be so close you can taste it, then have it taken away. Even if it’s a stupid dream, like making a movie as stupid as Rage. See? I’m not completely cold hearted, I feel for our little Sunshine.

Kinetic Presents: BABYLON!

Ted and Brian survey the area as Ted goes down a list of things that have been done to bring KP: BABYLON! up to code. Here we learn that Brian put the club in Kinetic's name and I’m not entirely sure that’s a good idea is it? I mean, I know it’s his business, and he can do what he wants with it, but supposedly he has “clients” and doesn’t he have to keep their interests in mind? I wonder how they’ll feel about being associated with a druggie/sex bar? It just seems like something they would have researched before all of this happened, and that really bugs me, but then I remember what show I’m watching. Let’s move on, shall we?

The club is a hot mess. I just thought I’d point that out. Brian praises Ted for all of his work and Ted tells Brian that when he told him to go get a toy, he didn’t mean this. You know, we heard this during the last ep and it wasn’t like the last ep was last week, it was less than an hour ago, so shut up Ted. We get it! Brian replies, “It says on the box: Appropriate for Boys Ages 19-30” and really, if that were the case Emmett would be the only one of y’all at this club. Isn’t Ted 102 now?

They begin this week’s interspliced “double-meaning” scene as we cut to Michael and Ben perusing their new gay suburban home. They discuss money and it seems that even without Rage (which I guess Justin nor Brett have yet to tell MICHAEL is OVER, not that he would need to know that or anything) they have enough between them to make ends meet. Now y’all, since when have an apparently out of work professor and a comic book storeowner had enough money to even think about buying a house? And how long have MiBen been together that they have this huge nest egg? Didn’t they have crazy lawyer fees after the whole Hunter custody thing? Didn’t Michael take over Deb’s mortgage payments? Didn’t he also take out a loan for the comic book store? How is his credit stable enough to – STOP IT StickyKeys! This is QAF, repeat it over and over to yourself… QAF… QAF… Whew, thanks!

Anyways…

Mikey wants assurance that all will be well, but instead Ben gives him sexy kisses. That’s all well and good Ben, sweetie, but it won’t pay the bills. At least not in the real world; kisses are an acceptable and desired form of currency in Stickyland, and if you cross the border to Keystown you can change out your kisses for gentle gropes. We work on a barter system here. Mikey accepts Ben’s form of “payment” and we head back to-

KP: BABYLON! where Brian and Ted are going over the changes needed to improve it. Brian suggests a fresh coat of paint and a condom dispenser, nice. Candice Olsen would be so proud...

Ben and Michael envision a girly room for JR…

Ted and Brian expound on the joys of making an old tired room fresh and inviting. I wish the writers would do this, except instead of “rooms”, it could be “this scene”...

Ben suggests wallpaper like MontEli have for their kid’s room. Do you guys know anyone named Monte or Eli? It’s just such a weird collection of names. And they have absolutely no nicknaming potential, and me and Sawyer are both very upset about that...

BriBri wants a cleaning crew to jackhammer the dried cum off the floor. Ted replies that half of it is probably Brian’s, and let me be the first to say GROSS!, thank you...

Michael remarks about all the space they’ll have and how they won’t be on top of each other; Ben says not unless they want to be. Remember when Mikey and Ben had their first kiss and it was all over the place and hott and sexy? Yeah? There’s no reason, just a nice memory.

Brian wants the club reopened by Friday, but they never tell what the current day is so I have no idea how long any of this has been going on. Like, how long has KP: BABYLON! been closed? One would assume just a couple of days, but the passage of time is so awkward here. Anyhoodle,

Michael talks about how long all of the changes and repairs are going to take, but Ben offers his reassuring kisses again. Why can’t I have guy friends like that? Whenever I would get frustrated, they’d be right there with the kisses. I really like kissing, I guess it’s mandatory for the horny virgin, to like kissing.

I guess the whole point to having these scenes together was to contrast the values and wants of the club gay to that of the suburban gay. Or maybe it was to showcase the growing divide between Brian and Michael. Or maybe it was just used to cut time. Who knows anymore?

It's Called Create-a-Bear: QAF Recap Ep 502 05-22-05 Page 2

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 502 Aired 5-22-05

Deb's Diner of Delicious Delectables

Emmett is at the diner with Ted and Mikey. He’s on the phone discussing the many changes to a wedding he’s planning. Whatever happened to Drew? The football player? I forget how that story line ended. I guess with a good reference since this weeding is for the channel 5 news producer. Good work Emmett.

The bride is sure the wedding is going to be a disaster and that prompts Em to say, “There’s going to be a disaster if she doesn’t get off my ass! And those are words you never hear me say!” Ted decides to keep with the disaster talk by referencing the Great MeLins Fiasco of 2005. Emmett tells Mikey not to get all worked up about it, but I say if that’s what it takes to put an end to Mikey’s party planning days then so be it. Deb comes over to deliver food for the boys. She’s wearing a pink shirt that has a yellow sign on it proclaiming Uranus or Bust!. Where does Deb find these hilarious shirts? Does QVC have after hours programming that I don’t know about? The shirt manages the difficult task of being cute and obnoxious at the same time, much like it’s owner, so well done subliminal department. I didn’t even notice you there!

To Ted she gives a BLT minus the bacon, lettuce, bread, mayo, and fries. I hope she gave him a discount for that. And I know I’m having a little Seinfeld moment here, but what is the deal with restaurants charging you for extra condiments, but not crediting you for taking things off. And what’s up with airplane peanut packages? I mean, who are they trying to keep out of those things? Sorry, I didn’t watch Seinfeld; I was a Martin girl.

Seeing Ted’s $6 tomato on a plate, Mikey asks if Ted’s trying to keep in shape for Jesse McCartney. Emmett thinks Jesse is just adorable, but Ted says he’s history. The same is going to be true of the actual Jesse McCartney so I say good call. Ted relates that Jesse liked to jack off to photos of Ted Kennedy (again I say GROSS!) and thought Marlon Brando had a few pounds to gain. Michael looks a bit confused because it’s Mikey, whose full name is Michael Exposition Novotny. His initials spell MEN y’all. That’s awesome. Mine spell SYK, which can either be “sick” like that’s sick and tight yo!, or “syke”, like syke! Works well either way, I’m all about options.

Ted fills in the blanks by saying that JM didn’t want another pretty face, he wanted some fat and age to go with it. Em and Mikey try to tell Ted he’s not fat and old, but the Unambiguous Fairy will have none of this “phasing out my job” crap and comes on full swing. He sends a buff, shirtless, pantsless, young man (who we’ll call Buffie McBigBalls) over to their table to really bring the point home. He yells out “Sir!” in Ted’s direction and when Ted finally looks up he slowly and loudly hands him a flyer and tells him KP: BABYLON! will reopen on Friday. I know our lovely fairies are concerned about job security in today’s fickle economical climate, but if Ted were really so old and fat would he be invited to KP: BABYLON!? Who are these promoters that Ted hired? They’re not really pandering to the right audience. To contrast, Buffie calls Mikey and Emmett “guys” and speaks to them in normal tones. Ted points out the obvious ageism, but instead of sticking up for the rights of those who are old and pudgy, Michael instead inquires to the living state of KP: BABYLON!.

Brian comes in to inform him that it was indeed resuscitated by himself. He demonstrates great knowledge of CPR procedures by explaining that he “put his mouth on it, and blew.” Somewhere ResusciDanny is soo jealous. Michael says that Brian should have used his money to buy a house. He says this because that’s what he’s doing. Brian could have donated his money to orphans with diseases and Mikey would still be all, “You should have bought a house! I could have thrown you an awesome surprise housewarming party! Do you have any Bible belt relatives that don’t know you’re gay?” Brian says that some queers prefer “dancing and fucking to kiddies and picket fences.”

Em points out the word on the street that Poppers is where it’s at. Brian informs Emmett that by Friday, the only poppers our H!DGB’s will know of is the ones they use at KP: BABYLON!! To prove his point, he looks happily at Buffie who has been handing out flyers in the same 50 square foot area for the past 20 minutes. I wouldn't get all excited there Bri. In a final attempt to prove her worth, the Expo Fairy shows up a shot of Ted eating someone’s fry. Because Ted is fat.

Mel’s Melancholy Mansion

We open on an adorable teddy bear wearing a pink tutu and wings. Mikey’s voice is coming out of it and telling JR that her Daddy loves her very much. Michael explains to MeLins that he got it at “a new place in the mall [where you] design the bears yourself and pick out their outfits and record their voices”, and y’all? It’s called Create-A-Bear. I have seen exactly 5 shows/movies in the past few months and they all have bears just like that are made “at a new place in the mall”. It’s called Create-A-Bear. Will Create-A-Bear not let them use their name? Am I going to going to get sued for typing it? Create-A-Bear, Create-A-Bear, Create-A-Bear. It’s great fun and it’s frickin’ adorable and my bioclock malfunctions and explodes whenever I so much as walk past that place and it’s CREATE-A-BEAR! Sorry about that, it’s just something that’s been bugging the crap out of me lately. Huh.

Lins thinks the bear is adorable, which Mel follows with an uninspired, “Precious”. Michael is a little taken back by this and Lins tells us that Mel is a cranky due to little baby cries-a-lot. Turns out JR has colic and has been up all night. I’m rather surprised that we don’t get into an in depth study of colic, but Michael doesn’t care about that right now, he has something to get off his chest. He wants to apologize about his behavior the night before and looking back he should have seen it coming. He’s sorry that the ladies couldn’t work things out. Mel doesn’t want to discuss Lins and her marital problems and if I may, I’d like to interject that Mel is looking rather fabulous. It’s caustic chic really. She looks tired, but she’s really complimentary in the color department today. Her hair is a nice hue and she has a nice blended tan happening. Like, not St. Tropes tan, but ordinary out gardening tan. Lins on the other hand still has that stupid hair and thus looks like unadulterated butt crack.

Michael says that regardless of their issues, the important thing is that they figure out how they’re going to take care of their child. I hadn’t thought about it before, but some posters mentioned that normal Michael would have done anything in his power to get the ladies back together. Knowing Michael he would have thrown a surprise party and invited Leda and Sam, but I completely agree that he would have done more about it. Then I remember that JR is Michael’s business, and Michael only meddles when he has no plausible reason to even be involved so I can see where this is going.
I love the look that Mel gives him after his little spiel. It’s all, “playa what? Our what?” Michael clarifies by saying they should see how much time she’ll spend with Mel and Lins, and then Ben and Michael. I was trying to fit a Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice joke in there but I couldn’t make it work. I’ll let you have fun with it. Mel ain’t having it. She starts to rant and I guess JR isn’t too thrilled about staying in Mikey’s ugly house either because she starts fussing again. Michael reminds the ladies of the agreement made that said Michael would be a part of the baby’s life. They throw around a lot of technicalities including sperm donor vs. father vs. dad, but Mel ultimately reminds him that this never included physical custody. Michael counters that at the time MeLins were still together, but since they’re not now, it changes things. And coming from a single parent home I can see the point Mikey has here. He’s just doing a crap job of explaining it. Mel has had enough and goes to feed the baby.

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It's Called Create-a-Bear: QAF Recap Ep 502 05-22-05 Page 3

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 502 Aired 5-22-05

The Great Outdoors
Emmett is still in the planning phases of the wedding from hell. He goes down the list of last minute items and Bridezilla decides she pretty much wants to change everything. Is this her first wedding? And it not, why didn’t someone smack her after her last wedding? If so, doesn’t she watch TLC? Someone’s got to tell her people. I suspect this is to set up some disaster at the wedding that Emmett will fix and I wish they’d get to the point cause this is thoroughly working my last nerve but… Emmett.
Mr. Kent Brockman has to go back to the station to receive a remote crew from Iraq (lovingly pronounced ear-rock, they do that so Pres. Bush won’t know what they’re talking about. Shhh, don’t tell!)
“Screw Earrock!” Bridezilla shouts. Her wedding is more important than some stupid war. She’s a bit of a traitor huh? She’ll probably serve French toast and croissants at her wedding, just to be defiant. I don’t know. Where were we?
Oh yeah, Emmett comforts BZ by telling her that he’s going to have a talk with God and it’s definitely not going to rain.

Can someone tell me what season it’s supposed to be? I’m guessing it’s fall, but really, who plans an outdoors wedding in the fall in Torontosburgh? Anyway… BZ earns her SAG card by going into a tirade about what color the toilet paper will be in the ladies room. Yeah. This scene is thankfully ended by Emmett assuring News5Guy that everything is under control, “It’s one of the reasons us queer guys are around, to help you poor straight guys, straighten up.” $20 says we’ll hear that on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy sometime this season, probably from Carson.

Brett’s Bodacious Bungalow
Brett is getting ready to go to Australia and Justin is going to take a trip to Mopeytown. Don’t bother with the souvenirs Justin. Brett informs his manservant Joseph (but well call him Alfred if we ever see him again, because we must) to pack swimsuits and T-shirts since it’s summer in AU. Isn’t it always summer in AU? Like, all year round. And I refuse to believe that Brett owns anything but swimsuits and t-shirts. Speaking of butt ugly t-shirts, it seems Justin has borrowed one from Brett. It’s an ad for a cab company with no innuendo that I can see so really, what’s the point? I guess commentary could be made about the relationship between the cab’s number (1-800-TOO-FAST) and Justin, but I think that’s a little beyond this show and I’m on a schedule folks. The shirt is ugly as I’ve said, and unfortunately a little too big on our sad, sad little puppy. Poor Justin, c’mon big guy, buck up! You want some ice cream? Ice cream will make you feel better. No? You want some Mc. Donalds? No? You wanna take a dump in Fedderman’s shoes? Yeah? Okay, let’s go take a dump in Fedderman’s shoes.

Brett talks about his new assignment as replacement Director for a movie starring Orlando Bloom. Brett Hollywood’s some more about, whatever, and Justin asks how long he’ll be gone. It will be about 6 months it seems, and he’s throwing Justin out in a few days because he decided to get some work done on the house until then. Then there’s this sequence where Brett is looking for his Ambien and when he finds it he holds it up and proclaims it’s the only way to fly. Thanks product placement! Brett insists he still hasn’t lost his passion for Rage and will still have his people shop it around. God. Brett says, “The gay crusader will not be defeated by some asshole that can’t see beyond the box office.” Yeah, it’s going to take a sucky script with crappy dialog, and creepy Conner to do that, d’oh! Brett’s hair looks like a moppet. Justin looks mildly encouraged.

Ben and Mikey’s
Our boys are packing up boxes and even though I loathe his presence, where is Hunter? They could at least pretend he’s at school, but then I guess Ben would have to be at work too. Oh well. Mikey is whining about Melanie, Ben is of course supportive, but says they should stay calm and rational. He looks a bit like Professor Frink here, if Prof. Frink were hot with the pecs and the jaw and the flaboyggin! Mike doesn’t want to be calm though, he wants to throw books, but then he realizes he throws like a girl and decides that he will be calm, and even rational. That Mikey’s a giver, let me tell ya! He doesn’t quite understand the meaning of rational though because he says, “There’s no way I’m giving up my kid.” Okay? Who asked you to? When did you ever have the kid in the first place? Whatever Mikey, whatever show.

Kinetic Presents: BABYLON!
So we’re at the club and it seems that they are going to open in a couple of minutes. Stuff is everywhere and Ted is trying to rein everything in. He asks some hottie to put some crates behind the bar to which hottie politely says, “Yes Sir!” Ted’s all, “Don’t call me Sir!” Cause he’s old y’all. Sigh. Emmett comes in and gives Ted a comfort kiss and let me just say how wonderful it is to see Ted and Emmett as friends. They’ve been through a lot over the last few years. I would think that after Emmett trying to be straight, Ted’s meth addiction, and then the dissolve of their relationship that they’re friendship would be kaput. I have friends that I can’t stand and our friendships will never be the same for far less severe reasons than drugs or homosexuality. So, you know, big ups to them.

Ted introduces Alonzo as the new club manager to Emmett. Emmett gives this little stereotypical fantasy involving palm trees and latin breezes, which Alonzo quickly puts the kibosh on by saying he’s from Trenton, NJ. This doesn’t phase Emmett who definitely likey-likeys. Brian comes in saying, “I haven’t had this much fun with a toy since my erector set.” And I would go on about how they need to quit with all the toy crap, but then Emmett says, “My parents couldn’t afford and an erector set so I had to play with the one God gave me.” Which, heh, and ewww. Everyone takes their places as the lights, strobes, and music come one. Emmett proclaims that it ain’t KP: BABYLON! without that “Thumpa Thumpa”. That heiffa stole my line!

It’s Showtime! They open the doors and only like 10 “friends of Ted” show up and don’t get me started on the ridiculousness of no one coming to the grand re-opening of KPB! “Go ahead,” you say? Well, okay. First of all, we know that the promotion sucked, but even so, shouldn’t all of Brian’s friends been there? Plus, if you call everyone in Brian’s big black book and only half of them showed up, it would still fill the club to capacity. Second of all, was there no gimmick? No drink specials, special performers, theme nights? Did they just think they would open the door after however long it’s been and people would know? This is not Brian’s mode of operation at all; this is embarrassing and I hate embarrassment. We’re just going to stop here, ‘kay? Even Emmett has had enough and decides to go to Poppers. I will note that the music here at KPB! is very interesting and I can’t understand a word of it, but it includes a very precise “mother fucker” at the end of each line. Nice.

I thought we were at Poppers for the next scene, but there are tons of chicks here so I’m guessing it’s a gay bar in LA,NZ. Justin is apparently alone at this club and "accidentally" bumps into creepy Conner. Justin’s stalking has become an art y’all, because that was wayyy to convenient. I’ll point out that Justin calls Conner “Con” and I’m inclined to agree. Conner has his own Justin with him, and for being such a closeted super star he sure is openly gay. Where’s US Weekly when you need them? “Con” asks Justin2 to go get him another Ketel One. Have you seen the Ketel One magazine ads? They have this page where it’s completely blank, but it has black writing on it saying things like, “Dear Ketel One drinker. Drink Me” or whatever. The point of the ad is that Ketel One is so great that they don’t need flashy gimmicks to advertise, but the irony here is that they use the heaviest weight of paper they could find so the magazine almost instantly flips open right to their ads. Sneaky, sneaky K1. It’s just something I’ve noticed. We discover that the point of this scene is to disillusion Justin to the chances of Rage ever being made. Conner says his one redeemable line of “when something’s done, it’s done.” Please let this picture be done.

We find out that Brett is working on a Mothra remake with Orlando Bloom in AU, and unless this movie is set in the 12th century and Mothra is a dragon of some sort I ain’t buying it. Orlando knows his strengths.

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It's Called Create-a-Bear: QAF Recap Ep 502 05-22-05 Page 4

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 502 Aired 5-22-05

Deb’s Diner
Brian is sulking at the counter poking a muffin, and get your heads out of the gutter, it’s a real muffin. Deb pours him some coffee and tells him he looks like he threw an orgy and no one came. She’s a bit clairvoyant, our Deb. Deb, by the way, is wearing a yellow t-shirt with bright red lips on it. It’s not too hideous so I’ll let it slide. Brian makes some flippant remark and when Deb asks him what’s wrong he replies, “Guess how many homos showed up last night for the reopening of Babylon?” Deb contemplates this and asks if it’s one of those lightbulb jokes. Wow Deb, you don’t look entirely hideous and you’re getting some good lines, good for you! I’m sure you’ll mess it up before the credits. How many homos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? We learn the answer is 12, but we don’t know why, they’re such teases over at QAF.

It seems last night cost Brian $8000, and like, in what? What would you spend $8000 in one night on? And how were you expecting to cover those expenses? I don’t know much about the club business, but even if you got 100 people to pay a $25 cover, and spend $50 each at the bar, you still ain’t got no $8000! Whatever. Deb says it sounds like, “one hell of an expensive blowjob”, and I agree. Brian says that he wouldn’t have minded even that, but before I can give him my card he goes on to say, “Not one of them was remotely fuckable.” Deb doesn’t get where all the hotties went so the Expo Fairy sends some in to gloat about how awesome their awesome night of awesome music and awesome shots was. They tell Deb they were at Poppers (which for some reason is really hard not to type as Poopers), which Deb says is older than her. The boys claim that it’s the only thing that is, and Deb pitches Brian’s muffin in their general direction. She has succeeded in not making me loathe her this entire scene, you and I both know that won’t last.

MeLins DeMentia DeMansion
Lins comes in from the grocery complaining about a woman in front of her with a stack of coupons. She starts to pack up Gus who says, “Hi Mommy!” You go Gus! Lins asks if he had fun with “Momma” to which Gus replies, “Yes!” Good job sweetie, Auntie StickyKeys is here to give you verbal praise! Lins still looks horrible, but at lease she’s trying to do a side sweep with the bangs to hide their suckiness. She readies Gus to leave, but Gus doesn’t want to go. She asks if they’re going to have to go through this every time and Gus gives the great response of, “hmm”. I love it because what is really means is “Why yes, yes we are and each time will be more heartbreaking than the last”, but it still remains kiddish. I’m beginning to like Gus a lot.

Lins asks about JR and Mel tells her she’s been up all night. Lins says she can take her, but Mel tells her she can’t be up all night, go to work and take care of Gus. Hey! You don’t tell Lins what she can and can’t do!! Sorry, I was having a Locke moment. The thing I hate about this scene is they refuse to bring any other options to the table. Why don’t they switch for a few nights? Or, Lins can take JR on the weekends and give Mel a rest. It seems Lins doesn’t get any time with JR and we all know Mel’s not going to offer any. She’s a bit trifling, our Mel. The lezzies start to argue a bit and we discover through the opening of the mail that Michael has hired a lawyer.

Deb’s House
The lawyer Michael happens to get is none other than balls busting gay adoption lawyer (because gay lawyers are soo easy to find and have nothing better to do in Torontosburgh) Bobbie Benton. She’s done groundbreaking work in gay adoption cases and even took one to the Supreme Court. Why would she take this case? I mean, if she’s for gay adoption, wouldn’t it be in her best interests to take a project that makes the case for gay adoption instead of having a bunch of gay people fight against each other for a kid? Not that it won’t look great on her resume’ or whatever. Ben and Mike are moving Horvath’s chair and it’s actually okay looking, but then Deb Deb’s it up with a leopard throw. I knew it was too good to last. MiBen continue on about how they’re not going to let Mike’s daughter be raised by a couple of single mothers when there’s a loving home with two fathers. Remember when Ben almost cheated on that troll looking kid who wanted AIDS? Neither do I, just wondering.

Deb loses all her cool points and brings Teh Suck but good. When she hears the word single mothers (and apparently nothing else) she goes off on a rant about how single motherhood is tough and she had to make sacrifices, but she did what she could, and how they’re the backbone of the hood, and she thinks there should be a holiday for single mothers trying to make a way. And Deb is kind of proving Michael’s point here. My mother is a single mother, and I think she did a darn good job, but it wasn’t a favorable position to be in. I don’t aspire to be a single mother, and really, even if you were financially able, I don’t think you should. If I could go back and erase all the bills and hardships and sacrifices my mom had during that time I would, so I have to say that if it came down to being raised by a loving two parent home, vs. a feuding single parent home filled with stress, I would choose the two parents. Or at least try to work out some amenable compromise. Mike of course says none of this because he’s a frickin’ idiot.

El salón de las perras
So we know Ted is old, but now we need a bitchy salon employee and a snarky old queen to bring the point home. This scene is stupid. Ted goes blond.

The Great Outdoors
Emmett is going over last, last minute arrangements and the bride is freaking out! He calms her momentarily and a waiter brings over two glasses of merlot for the couple to toast. Yeah, red wine to toast. I wonder where this is goingzzzzzzzzz. Bridezilla stupidly and obviously pours it only on her blouse and proceeds to go bat crap crazy. Emmett throws on his fairy wings and snaps into action. He tells Bridezilla to take off her blouse and they run into the kitchen. So I’m guessing the guests are just hanging out, or they think they have another Jennifer Wilbanks on their hands. Did y’all hear that she saying the wedding’s not off, just postponed? Would you go again? And if so, would you re-gift?

Wilbanks Wedding Part Deux
	Definitely. Another free party!
	God no. I'm not that stupid.
	Of course, but then again I'm a friend of JLo's.
	If the groom is there, I'll be there. Just for the drama.

Free polls from Pollhost.com

Emmett yells at the waiter to give him a stockpot and two bottles of merlot. Now you know and I know what he’s going to do here. Because I believe we are cause and effect adjacent people. Wine is a stain that doesn’t remove easily, so if there’s a spot on something, it’s easier to turn the whole item into a wine colored item then trying to get the stain out. So with that logic in tow, we would assume that Emmett is going to dye the shirt, and that the bride and groom would get that as the words “stockpot” and “merlot” came out of Em’s mouth, right? What show are you watching? Because here at QAF the bride and groom think Em is going to prepare Coq au vin, because they’re friggin idiots. They yell and yell and yell, if I were Emmett this whole wedding would be wine colored by the time I got finished with it. Starting with my tongue.

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It's Called Create-a-Bear: QAF Recap Ep 502 05-22-05 Page 5

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 502 Aired 5-22-05

Lins Place
I guess Lins got a furnished apartment because it is packed. Brian and Gus are on the floor playing with toy trains that include a track, some little houses, and Brian commentary on the state of the world. They got it on sale at Hubris-R-Him. Anyhow, Lins wants Brian to talk to Mikey, and here it seems as though Brian is on Mikey’s side. This scene would lead you to believe that Lins has some crazy hold on Brian, which she does, but I think there’s something different going on here. I’ll explain it a little later, but keep Brian’s reactions in this scene in mind.

The Greater Outdoors
Emmett is blow drying Bridezilla’s shirt and I still don’t think they get what happened. I don’t really care about that anymore, what I want to know is what kind of dryer is that that it dried the shirt that quickly? Nice! As they walk down the stairs Emmett relates a Hazlehurst tale involving new white pants, and stolen boysenberry cobbler. It’s quite cute and the end product is his Auntie dyed his white pants purple to match the cobbler and Emmett ended up with a fabulous pair of purple pants that he accessorized with a yellow sweater, and pink scarf. Awww, our lil’ Em, fashion victim from the very beginning. We end with a very long shot of them walking down the aisle. That was odd, but okay.

Poppers
Emmett is dancing and is caught by Brian. He tries to make excuses, but then gives up. Brian is there to size up the competition and really it’s just any other club. Emmett points Brian to some sad old queer trying to be hip and cool and looking so desperate and pathetic and we know it’s Ted and it is. Brian goes to make fun of him, and Ted says he was also checking out the competition in disguise. Right. I tune out of this scene because some little guy comes and starts to unbutton Brian’s pants. This is fascinating to me. Does this really happen in random gay clubs? I know if I tried that it would probably not end well, but with Brian you always get a happy ending and that’s why I love the boy.

Brian Boudoir of Butt Boinking
And it seems that after Brian lost his pants he had to find a place to hide his dick. They show this kind of awkward sex scene and it seems just stiff and sweaty. Meh. The loft door opens and Justin walks in and you know he knows what’s going on, but I can’t quite tell a) when Brian knows he’s there, b) if the guy Brian is boning ever realizes there’s someone else there. Brian smiles this gross orgasm smile and it looks like Justin’s just happy to be home.

Mel’s
JR is bawling her poor little eyes out and driving Mel crazy. Deb comes over to offer some relief. Mel isn’t sure that they should be talking together but Deb doesn’t care about that, she wants to do what’s best for the baby. She tells Mel to get a hot water bottle and put some warm water in it. Basically Deb tells Mel that she believes the baby should stay with its mother whether or not said mother is single. Mel takes this to mean that Deb is on her side, but Deb makes it abundantly clear that the only person’s side she’s on is that of the baby. And you know, I’ve yet to meet a mother that will sell out her son like this, but who knows/cares? JR quiets down as Deb works her magic.

Deb’s Diner Suspiciously Devoid of Dinners (except hers)
Justin complaining about the cesspool that was LA,NZ. He says the weather never changes and everyone’s a liar and superficial and that part’s rather mundane, it’s Ted’s comment that makes it worth it. They cut to a close shot of him sitting at the counter eating a piece of lemon meringue pie and he deadpans,

“Sounds exactly what you always hear about LA(NZ), the shallow, superficial assholes desperately trying to be what they’re not.” Ha! Heavy-handed and hilarious! The delivery was perfect and the boys’ faces afterwards were priceless. Well-done stupid show! Well done!

Deb offers Justin his job back effective immediately and Ted wants to know if Justin wants to kill himself before or after the coffee. Ted is on fi-yah in this scene. Too bad it’s only this good once a season.

Channel 5
Emmett goes to Channel 5 to meet with Kent Brockman and I know that we are given his name, but I swear I can’t remember it at all. So Kent is it, sorry y’all. Kent wants Emmett. But not that way, ha, had you going there for a minute didn’t I? No? Oh. Well Kent wants Emmett to be the new Channel 5 Queer Guy and help straighten out the straighties. I am really enjoying Em’s newsboy cap here. Mostly because it’s nice on him and covers his growing 5head, but also because it reminds me of Newsies, which is not the best, but my favorite Disney live action musical (not to be confused with animated features. I have lots of lists).

Kinetic Presents: BABYLON!
Michael comes in and finds Brian wandering around aimlessly, as usual. He tells Mikey that he’s sorry about his baby. Mikey thinks he means JR, but Brian was talking about Rage. Mikey says he has more important things to worry about and why did Brian leave him the urgent message?
Brian says he wants Michael to leave MeLins alone and let them work things out on their own. Michael asks what business of Brian’s is it and who the fuck does he think he is. “I’m Gus’s father, that’s who the fuck I am.” Okay then. Not to be outdone, Michael counters with, “You had to lose a ball before you knew he was alive!” And like, dude, harsh. But warranted. I actually think it was the best line of Mikey’s life. It’s so ballsy and open and Brian can’t even respond. The look on his face is one of wonderment, and a little fear, like when did he start being able to talk to me like this? Usually I’m the one who talks shit. Mike apologizes, but the damage is already done. I started to wonder about Brian’s motivations here. We assume that he’s doing this for Lindsey, but we know Brian, and we know that Mikey is Brian’s best friend. So why is he doing this. The following is my theory; come along won’t you?

I think that Brian and Michael are finally at a crossroads in their relationship. They’ve been mad at each other before, but it’s always been because of something spontaneous that Brian has done, and in effect he has done it for Mikey in a way. Like when Brian pushed him away so he would move away with Dr. Dave. He felt he had to get Michael to hate him for him to finally move on. Brian has been Timmy to Mike’s Lassie, but I think the leash is starting to loosen and Lassie’s starting to lead the way. Michael has a new set of values; he has a husband now, two kids, and a new ugly house. He is kind of putting his past behind him and moving forward which is something that Brian has been unable to do. For goodness sakes he just got his first real boyfriend and he’s 30! Brian is starting to see Michael move on without him and I think he will go to any lengths to not let that happen. Brian knows Mike should move on, but he really doesn't want him to. Because for Brian, moving on equals a passage of time, and time equals age which equals death. The problem is that Brian is messing with more than just Mike’s emotions towards him, there are children and lesbians involved and I don’t think Brian has taken that fully into account. This seems like the beginning of something foul in BriMi land and I don’t like it.

Michael goes on to explain that he doesn’t want his daughter being raised by two battling lesbians. He turn to go, but Brian stops him,

“When did you change?” He asks Michael, “When did you become this pious, sanctimonious twit?” Michael turns around and brilliantly replies,

“The point is not when did I change, the point is why haven’t you?” One thing we know is that Brian hates self-reflection so he takes this time to admonish Mikey for moving up and making pronouncements on everyone else’s life. Mikey has always been that way, but I get that Brian is trying to make a point here, and for the most part I think he’s right, just in the wrong way. Michael has always been judgmental and has always wanted to be kind of the upper crest of society, especially since it’s opposite of how he grew up. The issue is that argument has nothing to do with this one so we know that Brian is reaching. “Welcome to the other side of your perfect gay marriage Mikey, it’s called gay divorce.” Brian expects this to shake Mike up, but Mike just shakes his head,

“I’m just trying to do what’s best for my daughter, and protect my rights. I’m sorry you can’t see that.” This is also a hit to the time when Brian flopped back and forth with giving up his parental rights. I think the universal truth here is that Brian knows Michael is a better person than him, but he never wants Michael to believe it, because then the power is shifted. Thank you for coming on this journey with me, now for your regularly scheduled recap…

Ted’s Place
“How do I look?” is the song that’s playing on the screen and in Ted’s head. Somewhere Bill Gates gets a scary, brilliant idea. This is mostly physical stuff here. Ted is tugging at his face and looking at his gut and what not. There’s a knock on the door and it’s Emmett. He came over for a 5-minute visit filled with sharing news of his new on camera position, comforting Ted through his doom and gloom, and just being generally fabulous. My friends never come by for five minutes and then just leave; I wish they would sometimes. Darn my stellar hospitality! Emmett leaves, and Ted takes another look at himself. He doesn’t like what he sees, it seems he’s feeling damn unpretty so he goes to the gay pages to find a plastic surgeon. I’m not looking forward to Teddy at all this season. Not a bit.

Mikey’s Comic Shop
Melanie comes in to talk to Mikey and we know it’s going to suck and it does. Big, chocolate, salty balls. Melanie says Mike can take JR in a few years, Mikey ain’t havin it! It started nice but ended badly and why would you take two prideful people and put them in a room together to work things out? Mel even goes so far to say that Deb is on her side, and like that’s not going to come back and bite her in the butt. Mikey says they can all kiss him where the sun don’t shine and Mel warns him that not only is she an angry mother and lesbian, but she is one pissed off lawyer. Better to be pissed off than pissed on I always say.

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It's Called Create-a-Bear: QAF Recap Ep 502 05-22-05 Page 6

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 502 Aired 5-22-05

And now ladies and gentlemen, may I proudly present QAF Caps first ever Harlequin moment. Because some scenes are so hott, they’re Harlequin.

Music flows through the room as we enter Brian’s loft to a scene of desperate and passionate lovemaking. Beads of sweat glisten on our boys’ buff, taught bodies. Brian kisses Justin and Justin becomes one with himself and with Brian. Emotion pours through his loins and out of his mouth as he moans in utter ecstasy. Justin traces Brian’s body with his tongue. From his strong regal neck down to his southern pleasure. Brian moans in sheer delight as his body tingles from familiarity. It had been so long since they were together like this. Of course there had been others, but they knew that only the other could bring their bodies the sexual bliss they craved. Brian and Justin lie side-by-side remembering the right spots to touch and when. Brian runs his hand through Justin’s golden locks as Justin makes Brian exhale with a kiss to the neck. Brian kisses Justin’s stomach and then nestles in deep between his thighs to the source of his ultimate pleasure. Justin is completely overcome in the throws of passion and moans loudly for Brian to complete this intimate journey. The next scene shows Justin on top of Brian as he accepts Brian’s manhood into his pleasure palace. He grabs Brian’s hair as his body adjusts to the exciting sensations it had long forgotten. Together they climax in an orgasm of the ages. Afterwards they hold one another and bask in the glow of rediscovered love.

Ahem, yeah. That was hot y’all. I hope the above description did it justice because the only thing else I can say about it is “gawd dang dogg, gaawwd dang”. And Gale was working for the Emmy with the whole oral pleasure thing! That was real realistic. I know, I watched it 25 times.

“Was it all you remembered?” Brian asks Justin.
“And more.” Justin responds. I thought my Harlequin moment was over, but I guess the writers had something else in mind. “What about you?” Justin asks. Brian responds kidding, “It was okay.” To which Justin says, “It was great! Say it, it was great!” He tickles Brian until Brian relents and let me just point out that Justin brought back more than luggage from LANZ, he brought some junk in his trunk. Baby boy got a booty, and it looks good on him. That’s how we know he was in New Zealand; they don’t eat in LA. Justin also has a fantastic set of legs, but that’s neither here nor there. Well, actually it’s there, but not here, unfortunately.

Justin tells Brian the truth about LANZ, which was that he loved it. Brian says he thought Justin wasn’t coming back and when Justin asks why Brian asks what he would come back to? Justin says he can’t imagine and then gives Brian a kiss. I’m not the biggest Brian/Justin shipper in the world, and Justin usually manages to get on my nerves 99.35% of the time he’s on screen, but this is really sweet. Justin has moobs. He asks if Brian’s offer for him to move in is still open and like, where has he been staying this whole time? Brian says nothing, but opens up a dresser drawer that’s already cleaned out for Justin. So cute.

NEXT TIME on QAF
Emmett sucks as a queer guy which Brian says is unimaginable and unfathomable. Deb decides to retire and Rosie O’Donnell pretends like she’s never acted a day in her life and takes over the diner. Who wants to take bets that she’ll be originally from New York? Lins gets in on the lawyer fun and Mikey gets his name dragged through the buckets of dried KP: BABYLON! cum.

See you next week lovelies!

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

Where Have All the H!DGB Gone?: QAF Recaplet Ep 502 05-22-05

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 502 Aired 5-22-05

Brian reopens Babylon, but no one cares. It seems our H!DGB have taken to a new locale called Poppers down the street. Most of them will probably return when they find the name of the establishment is not literal, but until then they are partying it up with great music and $1 shots.

Ted decides (with the help of some old Queen at the hair salon to forgo death and instead prolong embarrassment by getting what is actually a pretty good dye job. Then again I know nothing about dye jobs, just that as long as it doesn't look like Jay Manuel's I'm cool.

Michael decides that two gay men are better than one lesbian when it comes to raising his daughter and decides to file for joint custody of Jenny Rebecca. This causes everyone to take sides and puts a growing divide between Mikey and Brian that I am just not comfortable with. It does give Michael one of his best and most ballsiest lines of the season, so we'll see where it goes.

Mel and Lins are still fighting and everyone sucks except for Gus in that story (JR is sucking tit so, you know).

Emmett plans a wedding of a local newsanchor and due to his fairy skills is offered a role as Torontosburgh's Channel 5 Queer Guy. Sigh. They always give Emmett the most ridiculous story lines, but it's Emmett so I'll take it. And the writers know this, so with this being the last year I'm sure we'll have lots more fun to expect from our Em.

Debbie Debs up the episode with her usual raving and ranting and looking terrible while doing it. Unfortunately we get no Horvath to even things out so it's just a loss.

Justin returns and cristens his return by showing Brian some LA,NZ moves. This scene prompts the very first QAF Harlequinn moment. It's hott y'all, but you'll see in the recap.

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Go to recap: It's Called Create-A-Bear Recap 502

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Let's Hear It For The Boys! Page 1

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 501 Aired 5-22-05

And we’re back ladies and gentlemen! Previously on QAF, Brian and Mike went on the never-ending bike ride. Michael and Ben got married, but found it was only legal in Canada. Deb gets proposed to by Detective Horvath, but declines until all marriages are recognized in the US. Lins and Mel have relationship issues that end up with Lins taking Gus and hitting the road. Brian asks Justin to move back in with him (“For the times you’re not around, I wouldn’t particularly mind it if you were.” like, gee, thanks sweet talker), but before Justin can fully move in he is whisked away to Hollywood to work on Rage, the movie that will never ever happen, ever.

Credits!

They start with the usual 1!,2!,3!,4!, and then go into the slower, yet still catchy, new theme song. I’m not a huge fan of the credits, but they prove that the gays can dance to anything and you gotta respect that.

So you’ve all seen the credits before. You know, lots of dancing, hot guys, lesbians kissing, Justin “confused” and then getting it. A woman holds a sign I can’t read, but is wearing a shirt that says, “Nobody Knows I’m a Lesbian”, and as they never show her face, I’m inclined to agree. Gus and Brian’s Lesbians, feet, EMMETT. I have scary love for Emmett; he’s practically perfect in every way. There’s some more stuff, Ben trying to de-lip Michael, gold hot pants with Emmett in the middle, a bulge, Ted. Then there are two guys who have on shirts, one reading POSITIVE, and one reading NEGATIVE and this makes me a little sad until we get to my favorite part of the opening credits.

First there is this spinny guy, and then there’s this writhing guy who’s running his hands over his sweet bod, and then there’s this itty bitty part where Ben is dancing and he has one hand over his head and it’s sooo sexy and rad. Did I mention that I love Ben? And it’s one thing to have loved someone the entire time, like Brian, but it’s another to have hated them at first, and then love them. I feel like I owe Ben back love, like retroactive love.

So there’s writhing guy, Ben, writhing guy, Ben, writhing guy, oh, sorry, my replay button keeps getting hit, on accident of course.

We end the credits on Brian, who looks hot, but is sporting some rather suspicious hair.

We open on Rage and Zephyr -storyboard style!- as Mr. MovieTrailerVoice narrates a scene involving an Attack of the Clones. Yeah, I’ll take the next one and let you make your own jokes about that.

We’re in the storyboard, and then we get transported to Torontosburgh where Mikey and Brian are dancing it up at Babylon. Mike makes some comment about the Thumpa Thumpa of the club and I’ve decided to make that my new catch phrase in some form. Everything around them goes completely silent and still and at first I think that it’s because everyone is wondering why Mikey is wearing a sweater in the club, but it turns out to be a rather nicely done visual effect. Oooh, artsy fartsy! Mike and Brian walk around a little and Mike pushes away some suspended glitter confetti. Somewhere Tim Burton sucks his teeth, “It’s been done.” The music comes back on and our Hot Dancing Gay Boys! (HDGB! tm Camper) continue to bump and grind. Our own boys seem to tire out and make their way off of the dance floor.

They start a conversation with Brian saying, “Whatever you do, don’t tell!” Michael insists that he is trustworthy, “When have I ever-“ but he can’t finish the sentence because he knows he’s lying. Brian makes him swear on the grave of Marilyn Monroe and I’m thinking that I should know exactly what they’re talking about since I’ve watched every ep ever, and maybe this is a nod back to something? But then I remember that it’s not HBO, it’s Showtime Exposition, and Mikey proceeds to fill me in on the entirety of the Brian/Justin story arc of last season. Way to save those long-term memory cells writers! Now, instead of having to remember past story lines, I can remember more important things like my name and address.

QAF Writers: And you say we never do anything for you!

Well boys, I stand corrected.

Anyhow, Capt. Obvious continues about Brian going to visit Justin in LA and how Justin’s going to be so surprised, and he knows Brian misses him so much and blah blah blah. Brian makes the first sex joke of the season about being hard, and then they kiss and seriously, how come none of my gay friends will take me clubbing and kiss me like that? I need a new set of friends.

Let's Hear It For The Boys! Page 2

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 501 Aired 5-22-05

Barely lit Back Room of Babylon.
Oh back room sex, how have I missed thee? And look, black people! It’s like they took two of my favorite things and put them in one place. Brian’s cell phone rings and, okay back room sex guys, your rage against the cellular phone has been noted, please resume your previously scheduled sucking.

What bothers me about the whole cell phone thing is that wouldn’t Brian’s cell be on vibrate like all the time? Strange.

Well we see it’s Justin calling and I’m guessing he’s in New Zealand since it’s midnight in Torontosburgh and frickin’ four in the afternoon in “LA”, but there are naked guys so I’m not complaining. Justin insists he’s eating a bag of Doritos and reading the impeccably pronounced “Brothers Karamazov”; he’s a bit of a liar our Just- DICK SHOT! Uhh, sorry. While I won’t be counting sex jokes (because really, who has the time?), I will be counting dick shots because I feel they are not only necessary and integral to the plot, but hott to boot. So… DS=1.
They cut back to Brian who insists he’s reading “Anna Karenina” and eating Pringles and I guess it is true that once you pop, it is indeed hard to stop. Justin says it’s their love of Russian literature and snacks high in saturated fat that brought them together, and you know I love QAF, but hiatus makes you forget those little things that used to get on your nerves. Remember last season when they biked from “Pittsburgh” to Toronto and you knew there’d be déjà vu jokes, and the first few were cute but then it was like, “Dude, we got it BEFORE it was done. Stop.” That’s how this scene makes me feel because we know that reading Vladimir Mayakovsky and eating Funyuns isn’t what brought them together. It was actually Justin’s obsessive obsession and subsequent stalking that brought them together which I can’t knock since I’m doing the same thing right now… I’m just saying. We. Get. It. You’re just wasting gas here. We got the joke and we smiled, but then you took it too far like we never understood the joke at all and now you have to explain it to death and that’s so- DICK SHOT!=2.
Justin is saying something about pre-production being slow and how he has too stay longer, but I admit I’m a little distracted by the two honies bumping uglies in the background. I guess I’ll have to rewind it again, and again, and again. It turns out Justin’s going to have to stay 3-4 months longer and Brian is pissed, but of course he doesn’t say so. In Los Angeles, New Zealand sex is so much hotter than in Torontosburgh, and I’m not even going to recap what Brian says when Justin tells him he misses him because you’ve heard it all before. Brian is an island, he has no feelings, he never gets hurt because he never falls in love and zzzzzzzzz. We get it Brian. DS=3.

Boudoir des lesbiennes séparées.
Aww, we open on the most precious little baby ever! Ben’s voice comments on the baby’s big button eyes and dimples. We cut to show Michael, Ben, Mel, Lins, and Gus looking at Jenny Rebecca. My goodness has Gus been working out? That kid got huge! They lay the baby down for a nap, and Mike tucks her in with a little “Sweet dreams honey bun.” Which is just too precious for words. You know, this show already cuts a two-step on my clitoris, I don’t need it electric sliding on my biological clock, but whatever. As the group goes downstairs Ben teases Mikey about the “honey bun” comment and like, step off Ben! The only love greater than my love for you is my baby love and that is a losing battle to fight.
Lindsay’s hair looks horrible by the way; I thought I’d mention that. She has those hideous little bangs that Courteney Cox Arquette rocked in Scream 3, coupled with the newswoman’s bob. It’s sad.
Ben asks the ladies how long they’ve been together to which Melanie abruptly and hilariously deadpans, “200 years.” I love/hate Mel. It’s cute because it reminds me of Aladdin (“10,000 YEARS will give you such a crick in the neck, oy!”). Lins corrects Mel and tells him it will be 10 next week. Ben commends las lesbians for being such great moms and for staying together so long. Uhh Ohh, looks like someone didn’t get the memo. Actually, from the look on Mel and Lins’ face, it seems that memo was never sent. Michael and Ben cash in their foreshadowing gift cards and ask whether a party will be thrown. The ladies say no and there’s a twinkle in Mike’s eye. God, even his frickin’ eye foreshadows. As Mike and Ben get ready to leave Mike tells them to call if there’s anything they need. Mel is all caught up on last season so she doesn’t need anything from Mike at the moment, but tells him when his tits start to lactate to give her a call. Oh Melanie Marcus, 7 minutes into the show, only 2 on screen and you are already on FI-YAH!
They’re all smiles until Ben and Michael leave and then saaaad lesbians. Oh dear, do you suppose something’s wrong? Could that have been a façade they put on back there? I need to remember my phone number so instead of trying to recall this plot line, I’ll let the writers fill me in. “Well we’re going to have to tell them eventually, that I’m not living here.” Whew, there it is, thanks Lins and the QAF writers, another precious memory saved!
Lins turns to leave and Gus has suddenly forgotten that Mel is his mom too since he never even looks at her. You know, just because parents have problems doesn’t mean that the kids have to suffer. When I was little my mom and my dad would fight and sure she called him a no good, down and dirty, trifling, stank ‘n-word’, but she made me call him daddy and kiss him goodbye. Mel closes the door behind them and looks … sad.

It’s night and it seems another day has passed? Was that all that happened that entire day? Well, it’s night nonetheless and we pull up on Horvath and Debbie getting stuff from her house to move to his, but deciding that maybe they should stay at Debbie’s and zzzzzzzz. You know, Debbie looks really subdued here in the makeup/wardrobe dept and it’s a good color on her. It helps to tone down the crazy I think. What’s the point of this scene? Is it the writer’s subtle nod to the events of Debbie’s life last year? I half expect Debbie to be all, “and until my son can be legally married anywhere in the US, I can’t leave this house!”. Thankfully she doesn’t and they go inside to find three more of my favorite things in her living room. Gay porn, Emmett, and Emmett getting it but good on the couch. Get it EM! Emmett instructs his intruder to “Fuck me like you mean it!” and the guy seems to take the direction to heart. I’m beginning to really like Horvath and the expression on his face it just priceless. Sometimes I really love this show.

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Let's Hear It For The Boys! Page 3

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 501 Aired 5-22-05

Michael and My Friend Ben’s Apartment
Michael and Ben walk into their building carrying a huge stuffed giraffe. We’ll call it Brittany. He says it’s a toy for Jenny Rebecca who has no motor skills, and at this moment can’t see 10 feet in front of her, but whatever. The boys and Brittany walk upstairs and Ben goes to great pains to talk about how a party next door has been going on all night long (yeah jumbo, jumbo). Mike and Brittany poke their heads in to take a look. I guess all of this is to show the poor living conditions, but it seems more like an advertisement for an awesome time-share to me. I mean really, those places sell themselves.
Mikey says the place is packed, in fact one of the boys even looks like-, and there he is, effin’ Hunter. The ultimate bane of my existence. I tried to like him, I really did, but he’s just such a prick and so obnoxious. We’ll see what happens with him this season, but I’m not too excited.
B&M yell at Hunter about, I don’t know, how they used to listen to ‘good’ music when they were young, and had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow. Hunter has this awesome ‘Even gay parents just don’t understand” look on his face that almost makes me not want to smack it… almost. Ben tells him to ‘Hit the books, Pal!” and his dentures fall out on the floor. Like seriously, when did Ben get all old and stuff?
Evidently Mike is suffering from old age in the form of senility because after Hunter leaves, the conversation is suddenly about Mel and Lins. What did they talk about at the store? How did this not already come up? And where do they shop for groceries? Super Target, the mall, some weird Wal-Mart/Whole Foods hybrid where they have stuffed giraffes in one aisle and ribs in the next? (Tyra: Did someone say ribs?)
Mike puts empty cartons of fake liquid sustenance in the “fridge” and comments that maybe since Mel and Lins are too busy to plan their own 10th anniversary party that Ben and Michael should do it for them. This scene was apparently brought to you by the letters F and O. Which could symbolically stand for “Fuck” and “Off” as a warning to Michael against this party, but I’m not sure this show is capable of that so I’ll just call it stupid.
Ben and Michael get all kissy-kissy and I think Hal does a pretty fantastic job as a gay man. I only started watching this show because, well, Teh Gay, but also because I loved Hal so much from Talk Soup (shut up!) and I just couldn’t imagine him in this role. Now I can’t imagine him not in this role unless he’s on VH1. Am I alone in this?

Hunter comes in to ugly up the scene with himself and when he leaves again Ben does a little grabby action with Michael’s booty. Works for me. Aaaand scene.

My friend Jerrod is in town a-visiting and comes to watch the show with me.

StickyKeys: You’re late
Jerrod: It’s QAF, what could I have missed?
SK: Oh not much, dick shots, beautiful babies, awesome Mel, lesbian drama, subdued Deb, and Emmett demanding that some man show him what he’s working with.

So of course we have to rewind. When we finally catch up we see Brian walking around his gorgeous office with airplane tickets in his hand. There’s some sort of carb filled pastry on the table and don’t get me started about having to suspend my disbelief of Brian ever being associated with carbs, but I will make mention of it because where there’s pastry, evidently there’s Ted.
And there he is in all of his boring, boring glory. I honestly don’t have too much against Ted, and I think the actor does a really good job, it’s just, well, Ted. You’ll see what I mean. I’m actually enjoying his chocolate on chocolate shirt/tie combo here; it’s nice on him. It really brings out the pudginess in his gut? My goodness, that thing has gotten huge!
Anyhow, since TV doesn’t understand profit margins and actual earnings, we see Ted write an imaginary number on a piece of paper and ask Brian what he thinks it is. Brian sees this as an opportunity to propose their new Vegas act, Statistics and Boy, but it’s actually the amount of money Kinetic made last quarter. Can someone please remind me what it is that Brian actually does? I mean besides, sex, feeling sorry for himself, and looking hot? Like what is he getting paid for? Besides sex, feeling sorry for himself, and looking hot. The Exposition Fairy must be on vacation because Ted doesn’t say anything to the affect of, “well last year, after you stole all the top clients from your last firm and decided to go into business for yourself and turned an abandoned bathhouse into this kick butt office, you made a lot of money while working in the field of (whatever Kinetic does).” Instead he inquires as to what Brian will do with his newfound wealth. My suggestion would be to get it cashed in doubloons and go crazy Scrooge McDuck-style, but let’s see what Brian thinks.
Well, we don’t actually find out right away because Brian assumes Ted is asking what he’ll do with the dwindling of plate of bear claws. Being the giver that he is he offers them to Ted, but Ted was not talking about only the claws people, he’s also talking about the money needed to buy the claws.
He goes on to say that he cautions Brian against expanding just yet. Brian heeds him the same warning, and you would assume that the Expo Fairy missed the boat on the whole Kinetic story, but in actuality she was just down the river stepping on the Ted is Fat story liner that I’m sure will be the thrilling ride of the season. Well done Expo Fairy, you always keep us on our toes. Ted suggests that BriBri spend his dough on himself. He’s been working like Lassie’s son even through, uhh, well, I would assume by watching Ted that Brian had a Bewitched related crisis, but since I know he had testicular cancer last season, I’ll deduce that Ted was referring to that. Or I guess he could have been talking about all the work they put into their failed Vegas Burlesque/Magic Act David Cop-a-feel,

Jerrod: That was so wack.
SK: Thank you, I’ll be here all week!
Jerrod: You’re lucky you have Nebraska as an excuse to be corny.
SK: HUSKERS!
Jerrod: Aw shit!

I’m guessing it was the cancer he was referring to. Ted says that Brian should “Go all out, go buy yourself a toy!” to which Brian replies, “I’ve got dildoes up the ass.”

J: Why did you quote that?
SK: Because why not? That’s why!
J: Very nicely put.
SK: Thank you!

Ted suggests buying a new Ferrari, or a war hole to put in his loft. What? Like a literal hole of war? What would that look like? Does Brian even have a home this season, because I have yet to see him in one? And what does a “war” hole consist of-

J: He said Warhol you uncultured heiffa! Andy Warhol!
SK: Oh! I thought it was pronounce wor-hall?
J: Well, you would.
SK: I will kick you out my house.

Ted also suggests maybe purchasing a Lear jet to fly Justin back and forth from Los Angeles, New Zealand. And really, how much money did they make? And it was all profit? Are they hiring? They cut to this shot of Ted taking Brian up on his bear claw offer and it’s this really out of place, disjointed shot whose only purpose is to show that Ted is fat. And since the office used to be a bathroom, there is this tile in the background so it looks like Ted has taken to binging and purging in one place and that is just lazy.

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Let's Hear It For The Boys! Page 4

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 501 Aired 5-22-05

Ben and Michael are at someone’s house, drinking something, and talking about… someone. Who are these people? When did Mikey and Ben get other friends? Anyhow, one man is talking in some weird accent about his son (Devin) who he put down in bed. It turns out that this man and his partner, Monte both have kids by the same woman because they wanted their kids to be related. A black man comes in who looks a bit like Dubay from Oz, but I’m guessing is the ‘Monte’ in question. He says in an even stupider accent that he had to sing Under the Sea six times to get Andeen to sleep. Since he referenced one of the best animated Disney films ever, I give this couple exactly 2 pts, but then I take one away because they named their kid Andeen.
B&M call Jenny Rebecca “JR” which leads me to believe that she will supposedly get shot sometime this season. Not that QAF would ever steal some other show’s storylines, they would never do that!
Eli and Monte sing the praises of their neighborhood and Michael comments that when he was young, the neighborhood was deemed too unsafe to even play in. Monte says that since the gays came in a cleaned it up it has never been safer and real estate prices have soared.
Somewhere Jack McFarland and Will Truman show up in a dark neighborhood in Pittsboronto.

Will: Are you sure this is the place?
Jack: I’m positive. The brochure said, “Come see Torontosburgh’s new gay communities.
Will: Torontosburgh? Jack, this is Pittsboronto!
Jack: UH OH!

The entire point of this scene filled with people we’ve never seen before and plots that we have is to see if Ben and Michael had ever thought about moving. As they walk through noisy, RuPaul gay town, quiet Ryan Seacrest gay town seems more and more pleasant. Ben really wants to move and Michael says he doesn’t, but if Dr. Dave can get Mikey to move across the country, I’m sure Ben can make him go across town.

Gay Gym
This is the scene I saw on the Showtime website. We learn that due in part to the awkward interaction between him, Horvath and Deb, Emmett wants to move out and Ted is getting larger. Somewhere Leon sucks his teeth, “It’s been done”. Emmett points out Ted’s expanding girth with some co-signing by Brian. Ted insists that he’s not getting fat he’s bulking up. He lost a lot of weight after the liberty ride and the whole crystal meth addiction thing and is Emmett’s head getting bigger? Like physically, it looks huge from this angle. Where were we? Oh yeah, Ted. Sigh. Some little twink strolls by and gives Ted THE LOOK OF HOMOSEXUAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Ted takes this as a sign that he’s still smokin’ hot and goes over to check it out.
Emmett remarks that he never knew you could catch a Twinky by stuffing it in your mouth. Jerrod and I assumed this is how it was always done but I guess that’s more of a regional thing.
Emmett takes his leave and Random Muscle Extra takes over the machine, but never seems to actually work out. Maybe he has performance anxiety? Mikey comes by and Brian asks if he want to play Where’s Waldo in the steam room, but Mikey can’t because movie producer Brett is calling to get some input on Rage dialogue.
Brian offers up, “Zowie Zephyr, check out that super cock.” And I know the times, they are a-changing, but what world are they making this movie in? Because for the first movie ever of it’s kind, it’s wayyy extreme and who would green light that? I’m not even speaking of the gay thing as much as the gratuitous sex and cussing and offending the conservatives part of it. And that’s even besides the fact that it’s a stupid movie. It’s just a disaster waiting to happen and I know the show is trying to be groundbreaking and edgy, but they are catering to a certain audience. Would Queer As Folk the movie ever get made? And if so would it make money? Just something I think about.
Mikey asks if Brian shouldn’t be getting ready for his trip and Brian informs him that he won’t be going. Brian decides not to surprise Justin and have that be the surprise, but it’s really not at all. Gosh, can you imagine a Brian Kinney surprise party? You would go home one night and he’d be making out with some guy on your couch and you’d be all, “What’s up Bri? What are you doing here?” and he’d be like, “I was going to surprise you with a party but I decided not to… Surprise.” Brian’s lucky he’s so hot.

We move to storyboard world and introduce Rage’s arch nemesis Rev. Swineheart (do you see what I mean? Not only will that offend conservatives, but it’s also dumb as bricks! It’s a double insult.) preaching evil and what not and Rage is in the basement of the church suspended over fire in Hot Leather Restraints because far be it from the writers to leave the S&M freaks wanting. While I’m not too enthralled about the content of this scene, I’m loving the look of it. The storyboard with all the side directions… cute. They cut to Justin in Los Angeles, New Zealand “Where the Sun Never Sets” and well done art dept! You’re really doing wonders with this ep.
Justin is working at a company called XTC, and yeah. If they want us to believe any of this storyline then I’m going to need them to change that. I won’t even make mention of it if they do. I’ll just pretend that it always was. Some chick (we’ll call her Raggedy Ann) walks in and says, “Mr. Keller wants the storyboards now, now, now.” Justin’s hurrying as fast as he can and asks Raggedy Ann to say a prayer for his hand. That was actually a nice, subtle nod to season 2 and like, do they have two sets of writers for this show? Brett walks in and looks really different. That’s Brett right? His hair is annoyingly foppish and his shirt/t-shirt combination clashes and sucks all at the same time. He tells Justin that they just signed someone to play Rage, and who is that someone? Well, none other than Hollywood SUPERSTAR: Conner. Yeah. This guy. I couldn’t stand him (though I barely remember why) last season and I know I can’t stand him now. He’s just so skeevy looking.

Mike and Ben’s Bumpin’ Bordello
Emmett is wearing a lovely teal sweater. It has one of those necks that if you buttoned it up it would go over your head, but it looks very nice draped over your shoulder.

Jerrod: Is that a girl’s sweater?
SK: That’s an Emmett sweater.

And it is. Beautiful Ben comes in to make some subtle observances about the stature of their crappy apartment and it’s iniquitous neighborhood. And you know you could have said all this before we renewed the lease Ben sweetie, just saying. Mike lists more reasons that Ben doesn’t like the place, but Emmett sees these as benefits and suggests maybe moving back. Michael is firm though and says he’s not moving. Which means that we have to deal with this until the end of ep when he finally caves, and you know he will.
Ben has opened the door and is making commentary on the debauchery in the hall, “Back in my day we played our 8 tracks at normal levels and made sure we drank our Ovaltine and respected our elders,” and what not. Emmett barely notices as he takes his leave to take some numbers. Who knew Em was a mathematician?

Brian and Mike are going shopping to help Brian spend his moolah and Brian is wearing a very interesting black, double-breasted pea coat. While I normally hate anything double-breasted on anyone who’s not Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, I have to admit it really works on him. Good job wardrobe, now go work on Brett. Mikey tells Brian about Ben wanting to move to the new gay couples area and Brian tells Mikey that they’ll become Stepford Fags. Although that’s pretty humorous, I’m shocked and amazed that they didn’t say Desperate Housefags. Just because it’s so something they would do. Anyhow, there’s some fairly “boring, but it’s Bri/Mi so I’ll take it,” dialogue going on about Mel and Lins and sucking cock and eating pussy and Brian wants a motorcycle, but he doesn’t want to talk about that right now because Justin is going to abandon him for some Hollywood, New Zealand hottie.
No really, that’s how it happened, just trust me.
And Zowie Zephyr get a load of that! It seems that we’ve cut to a scene of Justin enjoying his already profitable share in the back end from Conner, and you know, there’s something about a heart-felt sympathy scene interplayed with a hard core sex scene that just gets me all misty… in both places. It worked in The Best Man, and it works here. We get a little glimpse of Justin bush which is oddly unsettling and my goodness this scene is hott, and sad. We cut back to Brian looking heart broken. Darn you QAF! You toy with the two things that mean the most to me, my sexual perversions and my heart.

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Let's Hear It For The Boys! Page 5

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 501 Aired 5-22-05

The Single Sapphic Sleep-a-way
Mel evidently makes JR use the downstairs bathroom, and jokes about how someone so little can make so much poopy. She envisions a career in law for her little pooper and somewhere LTG is hearing this and thinking, “Cause we’re filled with crap. Right? That’s it isn’t it? We.Get.It. Would you like some hubris with your hypocrisy?” He’s a lawyer, for y’all not in the know.

Jerrod: What was that about?
SK: I owe him.

Anyhow, there’s a knock on the door and it’s Michael with his SURPRISE! Come on now! Since when has Mikey planned a successful surprise party? Remember Brian’s b-day party, or the party he threw for Dr. Dave but didn’t tell any of his friends about, or Ted’s support thing, or anything else? Like, who keeps showing up for these things with good expectations?! Well, I guess the boys (including Ted’s new boy toy because what better a place for a first date?) and a whole bunch of lesbians is who.
Mel lies and says Lins is at the store with Gus and hightails it upstairs to call Lins. There’s some filler between Deb and Emmett about Teddy getting tubby, but apparently BoyToy likes em large and in charge, which means he must really like Ted because his gut has grown substantially since the last time we saw him. Emmett tells Deb he’s looking for a new place and Deb gets all teary about it. Lins finally arrives and when they come in Gus says, “Hi Mommy!” The kids leaning, but reinforcement for positive behaviors must be covered in a future lesbian parenting manual because no one cares. Poor Gus even has to look off screen to see if he did well. Don’t worry Gus, you did just fine Sweetie!
Gosh Lindsey sucks. First literally with Sam Arbuck, and then figuratively by busting out her and Mel’s marital problems. Have a little tact lady; at least accept the gifts first! Mel is not one to be outdone as she does everyone a favor in the awkward department, and divulges Lindsey’s affair. Lins says she apologized profusely but Mel wouldn’t accept it.
Mel says she wouldn’t accept that,
“fucking Sam Arbuck had nothing to do with sex? It was all about art? That all the humping was about form and function?” See, awkward!

J: Damn.
SK: Skippy
Party Crowd: Damn skippy.

Brian in Babe-ylon
We go straight to the dark back room of sex, but suddenly it becomes the well lit back room of sex and some cops rush in. Not the good kind either, but the real kind. It turns out that club has been closed and everyone must leave. Everyone takes their leave except for Brian of course, who is in there for a reason. He’s very diligent, our Brian. I like a man that won’t leave until the blowjob is done. Apparently the cop respects that too because he lets Bri finish. BriBri thanks the officer and tells him he’ll do the same for him some day. The officer, who obviously has no idea what offer he just received, looks less than impressed, proving once and for all that ignorance is not bliss.

Dungeon of the Disgruntled Dykes
Everyone blames someone and Ben tries to explain that they understand the ladies had issues, everyone but Mikey that is. Mikey is pissed and boy ain’t havin it! I like Mike’s reaction and Hal Sparks’ moral outrage. Mike is upset that instead of a loving, stable home they get complimentary sniping. This is followed by a supa fine shot of Ben. Gosh that man is good looking.

Ted’s Red Shoe Diaries Retreat
Ted and BoyToy (who is seriously the poster child for NAMBLA so we’ll call him Jesse McCartney) are eating pizza in bed and watching the silver screen classic, Grumpy Old Men. Sigh. I can already see where this is going, it looks like the Expo fairy is back from her vacation.
Jesse McCartney reveals his generational lust and Ted, while not turned off, is explicably creeped out. Jesse McCartney shoves another piece of pizza in Ted’s mouth and the look on his face is so good.

Deb’s Den of, I don’t know, Dingleberries
Emmett and Horvath meet unexpectedly in the kitchen where Em assures Carl that he will move out soon. He tells Old Horry that it will be up to him to keep Deb from buying everything off of QVC and may I ask what the fascination of women over 50 with QVC is? The fact that I know the words Quacker and Factory make me very sad. Horry says he’ll miss Emmett and with him having late nights he doesn’t want Deb to be home alone. He wants Emmett to stay which shocks me and Emmett. Em looks really good in those little shorts. He asks if Carl will mind his sexy love life. Carl has taken precautions and purchased a sound machine. All he hears at night are raindrops, and jungle sounds. Emmett thinks he should get one of those and make it seem like he’s sexin’ in the rainforest.

J & SK: Oooh the rain forest! The rain forest, the tropical rain forest!

Somewhere Bill Nye is just happy to be remembered. Emmett starts to go back to “Sean Honey” upstairs but before he does he tells Horvath that if he were gay he’d make one hell of a bear, and I’m inclined to agree. Horvath takes this revelation with a grain of salt and a swig of cranberry juice.

Deb’s Diner
Deb is back to looking atrocious while wearing a shirt that reads “Stop whining, you’re making the cat horny.” I don’t get it, but I know for sure that I don’t want to. On the other hand, she’s wearing a pin that I can’t read all of, but I can see the words BIG DICK, so I guess the two even each other out. Deb is Debbing on about Lins and Mel and won’t someone please think of the children and there’s this semi cute part (read: not blindingly irritating) where some guy asks Deb for a piece of Key Lime pie and Deb tells him to finish his meatloaf first. He looks so crestfallen and confused. It’s very adorable and not too heavy handed.
Everyone comes in and I notice a black chick in the background that looks like she was in Defying Gravity, huh. Well power to the people, I guess. Filling the quota and what not.
And this next part is just retarded. Like, we know Brian wasn’t at Mel and Lins, and we know he supposedly doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and we know that Michael wasn’t at Babylon, so why in the world would they be talking about the same thing? But of course they think they are, and it drags on forever and cuts abruptly and it’s really just filler, but once again, it’s Bri/Mi so I watch.
Brian and Mikey walk outside and it turns out the owner of Babylon wasn't paying his taxes and owes the IRS and gee, I wonder what Brian is going to do with his money? There’s some more crap about Mikey being outraged about Mel and Lins and then we discover that Brian knew the whole time and didn’t tell Mikey. Mikey of course is mad, but Brian says it’s not about him and it’s the circle of life.

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Let's Hear It For The Boys! Page 6

By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 501 Aired 5-22-05

Mr. MovieTrailerVoice: JT floats lost among the stars wondering if he’ll ever see Rage again.

Keenan Ivory Wayans: Message!

Justin is working on a storyboard and seems to get a message of some sort. Then he hears Rage’s voice and turns to see Conner in the Rage costume. Which, y’all? Seriously gay. It’s like stretchy silver lame’ that’s been taped to him and it’s a friggin onesie, and just, No. It even has the Rage lightening tear on the front so we can see his pecs, and he has a little mask on that showcase his freaky eyes.
Through my powers of deduction (which are almost always wrong) I assume that since Brian’s plane took an unfortunate layover in Mopeytown, this is to set up Justin into believing Conner is New Zealand’s answer to Brian. It’s just a hunch people, let’s see if it pans out.

Well, wrong again, because Brett comes in (looking the exact same horrible as yesterday only in a different color scheme) and informs the room that Fedderman has pulled the plug on the movie, which was facing budgetary and time constraints. Brett says he figures that it’s mostly fear, politics, and timing. Justin reminds Brett that there are millions of queers out there with billions of dollars and while that may be true, I doubt they’ll be lining up to see this movie. I mean, black people have money and look at what happened to The Meteor Man, I’m just sayin.
Then, in the most asinine line of the episode, Brett informs us that the studio is instead green lighting, “The Passion of Moses”. Yeah. SHUT UP Brett! And I know I should blame the writers and not Brett, but he agreed to say it so he gets blamed too. I just hate that because 1) the Passion of Moses was made already and it was called The Prince of Egypt, and 2) yes the fact that it was a gay movie had a lot to do with it, but the reason your film really wasn’t made is because it sucked! It sucked! Maybe it’s just me, but this whole movie thing has gotten on my nerves from the first mention so whatever.
Brett says, “Gay’s out, God in” and takes his leave.

Munchers Marital Mess Menagerie
Mel’s still mad that Lins broke the ice, but she’s more upset because telling the others about their problems made them real. And my heart breaks a little, okay, a lot. Lindsey leaves.

Michael and Ben are walking with Monte and… gosh, what’s his name? I’ve known him for so long, and we were so properly introduced! Otis? Ardis? Eli! That’s it, Monte and Eli! They’re walking Devin and Andeen and that’s a multi culti family if I’ve ever seen one. Somewhere Mia Farrow is watching this and she is sooo pissed.
They stop in front of a fixer upper and I can’t tell if Ben is tan or angry. Homeboy is a little burnt sienna. He’s really oddly colored in this scene, not quite Jay Manuel, but still a little jarring. MontEli ask the boys if they’re sure they don’t want to move and Ben says that they decided to stay put, but Michael (of course) is all, “Let’s pack up our wagons and get er done!” Is Eli getting a percentage of the sale because he’s already copying down the realtor’s number? It’s probably his cousin.

Brian in Empty Babylon
We all know where this is going. Get out your checkbook and get on with it! Gale Harold goes for the Emmy in Best Male Lead in a Defiant, Gay Role category in a scene resplendent with music, glitter confetti, flashing lights, and hubris, but really? Yawn.

The good thing about this scene (besides being the last) is that it morphs into a Rage scene and I learn the word precipice. I like that word, the way it makes me lisp, precipice.

Well, Jerrod and I bid you adieu until the next ep! When: Justin comes home, Ted changes, Emmett’s on TV, and you’re humble recapper captures it all down on paper! And hopefully gets it to you by this weekend!

Stay tuned!

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Do you think it's going to rain?
	Yes. It's going to pour!
	Yes. Even if we don't see it on camera, because this is QAF.
	It's only going to rain in Iraq, because SCREW Iraq!
	No, but only because I saw the ep. Before that though? Total dowpour.

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Justin & Brian
	Hott
	Teh Hottness
	Gawd dang dogg, Gawd DANG!
	I hate B/J, but that? HOTTT!
	Meh.

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Episode Grade
	A: Fantastic! I can't wait to see the rest of the season!
	B: Pretty good. It was enough to keep me invested.
	C: Meh.
	D: Not. They are going to have to do a lot better than this!
	F: Crappiest crap that ever crapped!
	?: Doesn't matter what I think, I'll be on board all season. Damn this show!

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The Exposition Fairy
	·Welcome. I’m a new viewer and it really helps me to catch up
	·Welcome. I’ve watched every season and I don’t mind being endlessly reminded of these wonderfully fresh and unique story lines.
	·Okay. Some times it's nice, but it’s kind of a slap in the face to old viewers and makes new viewers feel stupid.
	WE.GET.IT.

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Hal the Homosexual
	·Whatever!
	·As – if!
	·Meh.
	·He’s alright, I guess.
	·He’s FABULOUS! I LOVE HIM!!

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