Saturday, June 25, 2005

Good Evening My Loves!

You're regularly scheduled recap should appear tonight (and by tonight I mean early Sun. morning!).

This is of course if I don't get inundated with celebrities and the throw up they procure.

Shouldn't be a problem tonight though, Josh Gracin has already left!

See you tonight!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Gayest Episode Ever: QAF Recaplet 506 06-19-05

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

First of all, big shoutout to Larme over at Greek Speak! Thanks for the awesome plug!

Second of all, this ep? Sucked balls.

But not to worry my faithful readers, because even the act of sucking balls has some redeemable qualities.

Every guy in Torontosburgh missed the memo that Ted looks and acts exactly the same and for some reason finds him hott. Maybe it's because he's turned into a big ol prick? In a very nice throwback to past seasons we are revisited by an old trick with a penchant for charity in the bedroom. He seems to be suffering from a strong case of selective amnesia because he remembers everything about Ted, but he doesn't remember Ted. Ted decides to inflict his revenge, but we know that for Ted sex and affection conquer even the greatest lust for payback.

Emmett is a hit as the Channel 5 Queer Guy, but for some reason actually listens to Brian say that he's just a joke. Everyone tells Emmett that the thought of two men kissing and boning makes America uncomfortable. Well it makes me horny so I guess I'm not as patriotic as I thought. Emmett decides to go all sexy, and I would tell you what happened during his sequence, but I couldn't stand to watch it. All I know is that Kent Brockman is not feeling fabulous!

Michael and Ben throw a party that actually works! Except that it alienates Hunter who's feeling a little lost and a little excluded. His world is caving in and he feels like nobody wants or understands him. So basically he feels like every 17 year old ever. The great part is when he takes his angst out on Justin. That was nice.

Speaking of Justin. He has truly taken his role as trophy wife to a new level. He has now resorted to watching vast amounts of what I assume is internet porn and you just know he is drinking a glass of wine a day. The doctors say he should have two, but he simply cannot drink that much! He wants Brian to settle down, but Brian is preoccupied with other things.

Brian is being rejected by some guy that is obviously stalking him. I hate what I think the writers are doing with Brian, but I love the leather jacket with the fancy cross stitching that he wore to MiBen's party.

Deb went back to the diner and bored us all to tears while doing it, while Carl gets it done on the back. You heard me.

I think this ep will hold up once we see future episodes, but on it's own it kind of blew. But again, sometimes blowing can be alright.

See ya later this week!

Go to Recap!: It's the Oldest, Established, Permanent, Floating Crap Game in Torontosburg: QAF Recap 506 06-19-05

Episode 506: Grade

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Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 1

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

Previously on QAF:

Hunter hits his head at the pool and gets a bad case of hateration from Callie’s parents. Michael was granted one-third custody of JR, but lost 100% of crime fighter booty potential by forgetting to show up at Babylon for Hard Heroes night. Rosietta tells Deb that she loves her. Ted gets snipped and clipped, and Emmett is relegated to the role of sidekick.

Credits: I know, I know, but I don’t care! GET IT BEN!

The Road to Babylon
is paved with boys, boys, boys just itching to get into the newly reformed club. Justin casually walks in, again wearing the awesome white leather jacket with the blue and black stripes. He strolls into the club and we pan up to the balcony where we see some admirers sizing up our Channel 5 Queer Guy “You could make me over anytime you want. Top to bottom, or bottom to top.” This is only funny to me because the kid looks like a cross between Kyan Douglas and Ryan Reynolds, either of which I could imagine in this role. Except Kyan would try to give you highlights and Crest Whitening strips, and Ryan would try to find out if you have a sister, because he’s totally NOT GAY.

Kryan takes his leave and Emmett tells him he’ll keep his offer in mind. Justin strolls up and tells Emmett that he’s Mr. Popular. Emmett says that it’s amazing what being in television can do, but suspects that Justin is looking for the other Mr. Popular. Justin puts his hand on Emmett’s in a really cute way and tells Em that Brian said he had a surprise for Justin. Emmett says that if it doesn’t have a tight butt and 9 inches he’d be surprised. Me too. He then directs Justin to the newly opened VIP lounge, which is basically, "The Back Room of Sex Except Now It’s Upstairs" lounge. Yeah, I like the name VIP too. I really enjoy the banter between Justin and Em here; it’s like they're catty little friends. I wonder what a spin-off featuring those two would entail?

This entire scene, there are two guys necking like crazy in the background. For their sake and the sake of their lips I hope they were able to get this scene in one take. There’s some guy standing beside Em that I absentmindedly thought was Ted, but then the camera followed Justin and I saw this guy put his hand on another guy’s shoulder which is so not a Ted thing to do. Remember when Ted briefly got into S&M? That kid will do anything for a lay, poor baby. And let’s not forget about the baby.

Justin goes into the VIP lounge and passes a bouncer who says, “Welcome Mr. Taylor.” So does Justin realize he’s a trophy wife? He doesn’t work, he’s there just to look good and have sex, and spend his lover’s money. I want to be Justin sooo bad. Justin enters the room and is greeted by the most desperate sounding grunts. I know it’s supposed to be sexy, but it’s a little gross. Brian's smoking a joint, and Iit reminds me of something I read that said Gale Harold is a total pothead. I believe it. He asks Justin what he thinks of the place and Justin says that as usual Brian has impeccable taste. I have to agree with him here, Bryan does have a knack for coordinating the carpet with the drapes, if you know what I mean! Brian starts talking endlessly -and you know how I feel about that- and signals for some guys to come over. They take off Justin’s clothes, but Justin looks a little sad until he sees Anwar who apparently didn’t sign the release form because we only see his dreads, and then nothing at all. Justin and Brian share a little kiss, and then a little booty.

Baby, Baby, Who Has the Baby?!
This is a rather nice little progression scene as we watch the three parents participate in their new custody arrangement. We start with Melanie looking pissed but hott and giving the baby over to Michael who accepts her lovingly. Then we move to Michael being upset and handing the baby off to Linds who I swear is looking more and more like Michael “Let’s Hear It For the Boys” Jackson everyday. We don’t see Linds’ reaction as she passes JR to Melanie, but we do see JR’s as she gets increasingly irritated with every hand off. How long do they each have JR before they have to pass her? It just seems like a hassle to me, it’s important to note that the baby cries hardest when passed off to Linds and her hair. Well, not really important, as much as it is funny. Heh.

We end up with a shot of JR, and Michael and Ben are apparently dropping Hunter off at school which I guess begins at 11:30am? I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’ve learned not to ask too much anymore. Ben is wearing a delicious chocolate brown leather coat. I can’t think of the style right now, but it has that western cut and it’s waist length. He’s paired it with sumptuous black leather gloves and a worn-just-enough style black leather messenger bag. I don’t know who’s supplying Justin, Mel, and Ben with all this leather, but keep it coming! I hope PETA doesn’t throw paint on you! Ben is gorgeous as he asks Hunter (who’s behind them on a bike) whether or not he’ll be coming home after school. “No, I thought I’d join the Cirque du Soleil.” Hunter deadpans. He should go to Babylon, I hear they’re taking applications. Michael calls him a smart-ass, and Hunter replies with, “Where the hell else would I be going?” Ha! I’m sorry, but something about the delivery of that line cracked me up. It turns out Hunter (and God I hate that name) was politely told that it would be in everyone’s best interest if he were no longer on the swim team. Michael asks if there are any other extracurricular activities Hunter could participate in. Hunter starts on some thing about chess, but I’m distracted by Ben. They’ve turned a corner and we see Ben sporting some tight blue jeans. I think he has something in his pocket, but he might just be happy to see me. My goodness that man is gorgeous, have I already said that? Sorry, moving on.

Michael tells Hunter to cut out the sarcasm and Hunter tells Michael to cut it out with his fucking helpful suggestions. You know in Lost, whenever two of the boys would fight (mostly Jack and Sawyer) Kate would run in and be all, “Hey you guys! Come on!” and suddenly peace was restored? Well Ben tries to “Kate” the situation with an, “okay you two!” but fails. I think it’s because he’s missing three vital things: a pensive stare, a criminal record (for killing a man… he loved), and the ability to annoy just by opening his mouth. Anyway, Michael tells Hunter that he can stay pissed and bitter, or he can forget about it and move on. Well ain’t that the pot calling the kettle a whiny bitch? We see Brian’s car drive up and I have a million questions about that involving location and reasoning, but not enough energy to even ask. Yet. Ben tells Hunter that it’s the school’s loss, not his, and Hunter is sure that they’re crying over it. I like the way Ben does this because it’s subtle and you can tell that it’s something that he wants to be kept between him and Hunter only. Bobby Gant really does it in the subtle dept this ep. It’s nice to see.

Our boys finally notice Brian pulling up as he stops and rolls down the window. “Welcome to My Two Dads!” he says as Michael gives a little wave. It’s really cute because Hunter just looks annoyed (I don’t even think he really knows who Brian is), Michael looks a little hopeful, and I can’t tell if Ben is laughing, or he’s doing the “ha ha you’re sooo funny” face. Brian gives Hunter the old “hey Champ!” to which Hunter replies, “Fuck You.” Sticky Keys says “Gaaawwwwddd DANG!!” and dies from laughter. This is where I began to fall a little in love with Hunter. I think it’s mostly because Justin was around this age when he became infatuated with Brian and Hunter’s all, “whatever you fucking prick!” Stirs my gravy, that boy. Brian thinks that maybe being straight doesn’t agree with the lad, and yeah, because that’s the only possible reason he could have for not liking you. Prick. Ben turns down Brian’s offer for a ride to class and decides instead to take the bus. Yeah, “class”, I guess Ben has some sleeping at the library to catch up on. When is he going to tell Michael he doesn’t have a job? They have a house and a baby to think of! And it’s time that they stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about the baby. Don’t forget about the baby!

At first I did though -forget about the baby- because when Brian gets out of his car and looks down, he pokes at something and says “Gucci Gucci, or Prada Prada”. It’s really very cute, and Michael laughs so I thought Brian was doing it to him, but on review I see he’s doing it to JR. Man, I really need to start thinking about that baby. Anyhoo, I hate Brian’s car. It looks dirty, I’m not sure why, but it’s butt ugly and green. The shape is wicked awesome, but the execution is just not Kinney-worthy.

Brian towers over Michael and asks where he was. Michael has no idea what Brian is talking about until Brian reminds him about superhero night at Babylon. Who told Gale Harold that he could deliver lines? Man, four years of listening to him really takes its toll sometimes. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the man to death and back, but I love him in witty comebacks and sarcastic phrases. Michael blames JR for his absence, and Brian tells him that when he and Ben are through breast feeding, they should swing by. See? That’s the Brian I love, short and to the point. Brian gets in his car and Michael looks at him cautiously.

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Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 2

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

Deb’s Den of Unrequited Desire.
We open on a gorgeous bouquet of roses. Deb, classy as always, refers to them as, “fucking beautiful!” I also find that when gushing about something the word “fuck” is wholly appropriate, but since I don’t cuss (out loud), I usually just pause to show my emotion. Will no one ever know my true feelings? It turns out Rosietta brought them for Deb, along with three kinds of fudge, “chocolate, butterscotch, and rocky road.” Rosietta’s wearing make-up here, and it’s not exactly horrid, it just looks unusual on her, I think it’s the lipstick shade. Deb asks what she did to deserve all this and Rosietta tells Deb she deserves everything. Emmett comes downstairs, and sees Deb holding the flowers and chocolate. He asks if someone won a beauty pageant and Deb replies, “yeah, Ms. Fat Ass 2005!’ Rosietta tells her she’s not fat, she’s beautiful and Emmett agrees, “Self deprecating humor doesn’t fit anymore so stop wearing it.” Can Emmett please get his own inspirational talk show? He could sprout fun little sayings while helping people. I think I would watch that, at the very least it would kick Dr. Phil’s butt in the ratings. Emmett sashays into the kitchen and he’s wearing quite a lovely tunic. It’s interesting because at the shoulders it’s tan, then it fades into a milk chocolate near the waist, and it has cream buttons all the way down. It’s loose on him, but not too oversized. It works in a weird way. Men’s fashion has always interested me as you can see.

Rosietta says she better get to work and gives Deb a long lesbian hug before taking her leave. Deb offers Emmett some of her fudge and tells him Rosietta made it just for her. Emmett says “How sweet!” and then proclaims the same to be true of the fudge. Now I know very little about fudge, is it not supposed to be too sweet? I thought that was the essence of chocolate in general? Ahh well, Deb tells him it’s an expression of affection and not a bake off. Emmett tells her that if the sugar content is any indication then Rosie is more than a little sweet on Deb. Deb doesn’t know what he’s talking about and he says it’s obvious, which it is. Leave it to Deb to be so self-involved that she can’t see people’s true reactions to her. It’s like everything good that happens to her is an extension of something she did to deserve it. It was evident in the whole JR/Baby Mama incident, and it’s evident here. Deb feels that Rosietta can’t be in love with her because she hasn’t shown that kind of love to Rosietta, so therefore Rosietta’s feelings don’t readily exist. I still can’t figure out why the writer’s would present a character in this way. Is it that they don’t know it’s how she’s coming off, or maybe she just seems that way to me. It’s very interesting.

Deb proves my statement by saying it’s impossible that Rosie is in love with her because Deb is a happily married woman who likes dick. I wonder about the use of the word “married” here, but I’m sure it’s just a generalism that doesn’t mean anything else. Emmett tells her she doesn’t have to tell him she likes dick. He hears it every night! I’m telling you Em, grab that sound machine! Carl’s definitely not missing it and he’ll barely even notice it’s gone. Deb asks Emmett what she should do and Emmett tells her that first she’s going to put the roses in water, then she’s going to freeze the fudge (and really, what’s up with freezing fudge? I don’t know how many houses I’ve been at where their freezers are full of fudge!), and then she’s going to gently let Rosie know why it can never be. Deb doesn’t understand the word “gently” and offers up, “Listen [Rosietta], I can’t even imagine diving into a muff.” See? Classy! Emmett basically tells her she has the gist of it, but to get it done otherwise Rosietta will be moving in.

When You’re Feeling Bad, See Dr. Feelgood!
We open in a dark room on the pastiest white butt I have ever seen. It’s kind of flat and weird. We see a guy in front of the butt who looks like he’s giving a blowjob, but he’s actually just examining Brian’s penis. He tells Brian that he can pull his pants up and Brian notes that it's a refreshing reversal from the usual request. Why is this doctor’s office so dark? I mean, he’s not an optometrist so I don’t see the need for the little light and all the darkness. I know when you go to the gyno they don’t turn out all the lights and look at you with a flashlight, at least they're not supposed to I don't think. Is this only odd to anyone else, or is it some “oh so chic” en vogue, gay doctor thing that I’m missing? Dr. Feelgood asks Brian how long he’s had “it” and Brian says a couple of days. When asked how he got it, Brian guesses from pulling to hard, but the good doctor informs him that it’s not a blister, it’s a “chancre”. At least that’s what my closed captioning says, and MS Word isn’t highlighting it. It also doesn’t highlight “canker”. Are these two the same thing? Huh, doesn’t matter I guess, what matters is why Brian has a “chancre” to begin with. It looks like Brian has picked up a case of syphilis. Brian says "That’s so 80s, so 1880s”.

I was watching Def Poetry Jam and Dave Chappelle was on reciting a poem called How I Got the Lead on Jeopardy. The category was “Fucked Up Things White People Do”, and the question was “They stole these people’s land as they gave them syphilis”. The answer? "Who is everyone that’s not white!" Cracked me up for days. This instantly reminded me of that because when I think of syphilis, I don’t think of white people, I think of the white people that gave it to black folk. And that was your Channel 5 Blackuvue moment of the recap.

Evidently syphilis is all the rage again, especially in the gay communities. Dr. Feelgood asks Brian to roll up his sleeves and baby boy needs to tan something bad! The doctor asks Brian if he can pinpoint who gave it to him. There’s a slight pause and I think it would have been a perfect “Every man Brian’s ever slept with” montage, but I guess the writers ran out of time. Brian says, “You may have found the needle, but locating the haystack’s going to be a bitch!” Heh. They are going to do a test to verify that’s what it is and closed captioning says “Hold that.” but no one on the screen does. Lord give those people a vacation or something. Brian asks what then, and the doctor tells him that they’ll give him a penicillin shot which should clear it up, but Brian is not allowed to have sex for 48 hours. Dr. Feelgood knows it will be hard for Brian, but he has the utmost faith he’ll pull it off. Brian says pulling it off is pretty much his only option. The doctor also informs him that he needs to inform everyone he’s had sex with so they can get tested. Everyone ever? My God just the cost of stamps alone would give a much needed boost to the economy. Brian and I both say, “Had we but world enough, and time”.

Slo-mo = Saaaad
At Homo Hater High we get the “Everybody Hurts” slow motion treatment as Hunter is gawked at by several students. It’s very emo, but in the wrong way. It's like the writers thought they understood emo, but really didn’t. There’s a white girl with braids y’all, that alone makes her exempt from being able to make fun of Hunter, because gay ex-prostitute will always be better than white girl with braids. We pass a black man who is evidently still in training at the Overacting Black Theater Academy (OBTA) because he’s mugging the camera a little hard, but not too hard. We focus in on Taylor who is biting his lip “Scotty Savol” style to keep from bursting out in tears. It really is very sweet.

We head into Hunter’s classroom where we see a boy in a Dijon mustard colored shirt sit down at a desk. I’m guessing this kid is on the affirmative action program at the OBTA because he jumps up and hightails it to the front of the class. I just don’t understand how these kids can be so ignorant. Maybe all the gay people’s kids go to another high school? Callie comes in wearing a horridly ugly shirt and sits in the desk in front of Hunter. She asks to borrow a pen to which he asks if she’s trying to be nice. She says yes, and though I hate her, it was a good answer. He tells her not to bother and she’s about to leave until he tells her that she’s the only one who knew about what he used to do. I remember feeling all weirded out when he told her and especially when he told her parents. It’s one thing for your daughter to have a boyfriend that has HIV, but it’s another to have gotten said HIV from being a male prostitute. I actually pretty impressed that they revisited that story line, I just kind of hate the way they went about it.

Callie defends that she would never tell anyone what Hunter told her in confidence. It turns out her parents told. In fact, they even went so far as to call some of the local parents after the meet. And might I just interject, LAME!!! From here on out, Callie’s parents will be known as Cunt and Lameass, because they suck so badly.
Callie says that Hunter’s famous and he says, “Yeah, I’m a cock sucking superstar…” under any other circumstances that might be the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard. I think Brian could pull that off. Callie says her parents are assholes for what they did and she told them that she’d never forgive them, and she won’t. Well until it comes time to pay for college and a car, but that’s all towards the greater good people! She wants to know if now she can borrow a pen and Hunter gives a little smile as he gets one out for her. Ahh C’est l'amour! I’m a hot mess for romance so I’ll let all of her triflingness slide for the moment.

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Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 3

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

I Went For Plastic Surgery, and Got Self-esteem. Low Self-esteem.
We listen to some snazzy opera as we enter Ted’s boudoir. All of the lights are out and we see Em come in wearing his legendary abominable snowman jacket. He looks like a frickin Yeti. Ted orders him not to turn on the lights which I think is more for Ted's protection to keep from seeing that jacket more than to keep Emmett from seeing Ted. Em asks where he is and Ted tells him he’s where he’ll be for all eternity, on the sofa. Have you ever heard so much about an opera that you thought you saw it? That’s what happened with me and Phantom of the Opera. Like, I know that this is Phantom..., but I don’t know what scene, or anything. I don’t know any of the characters, or really much of the side plots, but when I hear the music, I instantly know where it’s from. Now of course I could be making a huge fool of myself, and this might not be Phantom... at all. They never say it, but something tells me that the Expo Fairy is not one to lie down on the job.

Emmett, ever the stubborn mule, turns on a light anyway and turns off Ted’s music. He asks Ted how he’s supposed to see him with the lights off, and Ted says that that’s the point. I don’t know why Emmett’s so confused, I’m sure he heard the same request a thousand times from Ted while they were dating… ZING! Emmett asks if Ted is still a little puffy, and Ted says he would welcome puffy any day, “Compared to me, the elephant man is a supermodel!” Somewhere Tyra Banks launches a world wide search for this so called Snuffolupagus, “He sounds FIERCE!” Emmett thinks that Ted is just cranky because he hasn't eaten and tells him that they’re going out to dinner. I know that feeling well. I slept extra late today and when I woke up I was famished. Until I got some food in my mouth, every little thing just pissed me off for no good reason. I read an article about some girls that claimed to simply forget to eat, sometimes up to 4 days. Can you imagine me going four days without food? I hate the word bitch, and I hate calling women that, but y’all? Sticky Keys + No Food = UBER BITCH! Lassie would be danged proud!

Anyhoo, Ted says he’s not going into public looking the way he does. Sigh. Y’all, I took exactly two lines worth of notes during this scene. It basically a boring way to say that Ted doesn’t like his new face and he wants his old one back. They are going to great pains to not let us see Ted’s face, but we end up seeing an awful lot of it and considering the BIG REVEAL (which we’ll get to later), I don’t really understand that choice, but whatev.

Lesbians, and the Bills They Pay
We open on Linds and Mel in the mini mans paying some bills. They go through the mortgage and the phone bill and Linds stops when she sees a bill for $1200. Turns out the water heater broke again and had to be replaced. Mel says she didn’t have time to get any more estimates and just wamted to have it done. Mel tries to move on to the car insurance, but Linds is still stuck on the $1200 water heater bill. I would be too, if I had an extra $600 to pay I would like to know that a little in advance, and not in a “by the way” manner as I was writing out my check. Linds doesn’t think she should have to pay for the heater since she no longer lives at the house nor uses their water. Mel says that Linds’ children do, and she’s paying for half of Linds’ apartment and she doesn’t live there. I’m sorry, but what? Okay, first of all, I love how when it comes to custody Mel’s all, “these babies are mines, MINES!” but when it comes to paying for the little rug rats she’s all, “Uh uh, thems yours.” Secondly, if they are going through the 5-year divorce that they are trying to convince everyone that they are, why are they splitting rent on apartments? Why is Linds even in an apartment when she could just move up to the attic if they can’t stand to be around each other anymore? It certainly would save them some money. This is the oddest divorce setup ever, which leads me to believe, of course, that they’ll get back together. Otherwise that house would have been sold, and custody of the kids worked out and new girlfriends found. Or maybe that’s just in celebrity relationships. Huh.

Linds doesn’t think it’s fair that she has to pay for the heater especially since she wasn’t consulted. Linds has her hair pulled back and doesn’t look like Darth Sidious for once. She’s wearing a black satin shirt with a very flattering neckline, good job Linds, and keep up the good work! Mel says that she’ll instead take the children down to the river and wash them, then beat their clothes against the rocks. Linds tells Mel that she always has a smart answer and Mel hilariously replies that a stupid answer would be, “Fine, you don’t have to pay, but you’re not going to hear that from me.” Heh, see, that’s the kind of stuff that makes me Love/Hate Mel. She’s this totally annoying, at times despicable character, but the girl can throw down with the one liners! By the way, she is wearing this adorable jacket that has a brown back and brown cuffs. It has three stripes on front going diagonally, the top is cream, the middle is blue, and the bottom is brown. It’s so cute and I’m sure the Gap has one that’s just begging to be bought from me. If only they carried my size.

Linds says she is stretched to the limit as it is and she’s sure Mel can find the money elsewhere. Mel asks if she has any bright ideas and Linds tells her she could try going back to work. Oooohhh, it’s on like popcorn, y’all! Mel gives her this, “oh no this heiffa didn’t!” look and informs Lindsay that when she had Gus Mel made sure that Linds was completely comfortable. Linds says that was a completely different set of circumstances. Mel wants to know how so, and Linds tells her that when she was preggers they were still living together, and they were still in love. She says she’ll pay for everything else, “but not the heater”. Well I guess that settles that.

All Up in My Sauce
Justin is in the kitchen cooking it up as Brian heats up the room further by coming in from the shower wearing only a towel and my drool. Justin holds a spoon up to his mouth and asks him to taste something, which Brian proclaims to be suspiciously good. Why do these people only cook sauces? It’s something I noticed, that whenever there’s a cooking scene and someone is asked to taste something, it’s always in a saucepan and always some red or white sauce. Sauce does not a meal make people, though it would explain their taut physiques. Brian asks if Julia Childs left Justin her cookbook, but it turns out that Michael lent his to Justin. The funny thing during this is that Justin is tearing up that spoon! He’s licking the crap out of it which may explain the whole Rosie/Lesbian spoon of passion thing. Or maybe he’s just hungry. Randy is always interesting to watch when there’s food around. He’s constantly eating like the Kraft services people are out-rivaled only by Hiroyuki Sakai as the greatest chefs EVER. Would someone please feed that boy outside of the show? A little side note, MS Word had Hiroyuki Sakai saved in it's dictionary. I have no idea why.

Brian blahs about Justin and Michael swapping meals and mates, but Justin claims that he just likes to cook. He says that he enjoys a home cooked meal and silly him thought that Brian would enjoy it as well. Justin goes on to say that if home cooking is so unappetizing to Brian then he is more than welcome to order Thai food for the third time this week. I love Justin’s little domestic thing he has going on. It’s like a combination of his mom and Lindsay. That whole WASPy “pardon me Jimmy, but could you ask your cunt mother to pass the peas? Oh, what’s a cunt? Well your mother son, your mother’s a cunt.” thing. It’s funny because the more comfortable they get, the more snarky Justin gets. I think the issue though, is that he stops saying what he wants and uses these sarcastic flourishes to hint at it. I like the writing of that only because that’s all that Justin would know to do, so he does it.

Brian tells Justin he loves his cream sauce, which is nasty but sweet. Not the cream sauce, the line. I think. Justin is wearing a teal-ish blue shirt with writing on the front. I can’t completely make out the writing, but it’s a Diesel shirt. I think Diesel is outfitting the entire cast because this is the third obvious appearance. I don’t mind though because the contributions have been great. Justin asks Brian to guess what’s for dessert and Brian guesses, “A penicillin tart with seasonal berries?” Justin and I are both confused. “What?” Justin asks, Brian clarifies, “A penicillin tart.” There’s a long pause as Brian walks away, shrugs his shoulders and says, “ I have syphilis.” HA! Oh Lord I almost had a stroke laughing from that. I swear, if I ever get an STD, that is so my way of telling. Heck, if I get any disease. “Hey Sticky Keys, guess what’s for dessert!” “An amputation tart with seasonal berries.” “Huh?” “An amputation tart... I have the plague.” HA HA! I have no idea what I’m tallking about, but that would kick so much major butt.

This is the Brian I know and love, but apparently Justin ain’t having it. Brian says it’s not a big deal, but Justin says it can cause heart abnormalities, mental disorders, and blindness. Well thanks Encyclopedia Brown for solving the case of What Everybody Knew. Justin has a way of always overstating the obvious, or at least restating information that has been around forever. Brian thanks Captain Obvious Jr. for this wealth of info, but insists he’s been treated and cured. The only drawback is he and Justin can’t sex it up for another 42 hours. He also tells Justin that he should get tested. Justin wants to know if he had sex with someone without a condom and Brian says no, that it must have been someone who sucked him off.

You know for Brian to be so safe sex oriented, you would think he would know to use a condom for oral sex, especially with some of the trash he’s slept with. What is the person had herpes or something? That’s just too gross to even think about. Justin’s surprised that it hasn’t happened sooner considering where Brian’s dick has been. Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle a diseased rhinoceros whore? Brian agrees and tells Justin that he’s hardly been a saint himself, and in fact, he might have gotten it from Justin. The only thing that would have made that better is if Brian would have added a little snap at the end of the sentence, but really I’m just splitting hairs here, they’ve done enough.

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Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 4

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

Life Partners and the Veggies they Sauté
We open on a scrumptious looking bowl of veggies at Ben and Michael’s house. Michael is on the phone with Melanie and we can hear JR through the baby monitor on the table. Mel is harassing Michael about everything and Michael is trying everything to get off the phone. It’s interesting to note that this may be the first time ever that we’ve seen Hunter eat with Ben and Michael. I always thought they made him eat in his room, or in the tower or something. Michael finally gets off the phone and complains that Mel calls every five minutes. Ben reminds Mikey that Mel’s a mother, but Mikey thinks she’s more of a control freak than a mother is. Yeah, takes one to know one Mikey. Hunter asks to be excused and Michael tells him to eat first. Ben’s all, “There are no control freaks here.” and it’s very cute and jokey. There’s a little pause and then we get Sensitive Ben as he asks Hunter if he’s okay. I know I’ve said it before, and I know you’re probably getting sick of it, but that man is 16 different shades of fine to me. I don’t know exactly what it is. Ever since Timmy on Lassie I’ve kinda had a thing for blondes, but there’s something to his features that just gets me up in the morning. He’s just so manly, like he would throw me around and just… yeah, I’m going to stop now.

Hunter says he’s awesome and after another pause Ben tells Hunter that his principal called. Hunter cutely insists that he didn’t do anything and Michael says they know. Turns out PrinciPal wants to have a meeting with some of the parents about what happened at the swim meet. Hunter gets all riled up, but Ben tells him that it might not be a bad thing. There will be a health official there to put minds at ease and hopefully put an end to what Hunter is going through. Hunter doesn’t think that anyone cares and Bobby Gant is just acting the hell out of this scene. I like it because he’s so great at the subtle stuff. They always have him doing such stupid stuff, like being hooked on steroids or yelling at Hunter, that when he goes back to this kind of mellow reaction acting, it’s really nice. Hunter insists that he’s going too. Michael says that it’s just for parents, but Hunter says that since the meeting’s about him, he has a right to be there. And he does. When did Hunter get all hot? Where was I when that happened? My goodness, what’s wrong with me?

You Can Lead a Lesbian To the Bar…
We open at a lesbian bar and at first I thought I accidentally switched over to The L Word since the only lesbians in Torontosburgh are MeLinds, Leda, Rosietta, and those that go to Michael’s surprise parties, but no, we’re still in Torontosburgh. Ted frets that they’re in a “dyke” bar and I’m not too sure how kosher it is for gay men to say that, but I certainly wouldn’t test that theory in a room with a bunch of lesbians. Especially lesbians that are stronger than you. Emmett tells him that they’re there so Ted would feel more comfortable. Since there’s no men there, there’s no one he knows and he can’t be embarrassed. Ted is intrigued by this promise of anonymity until Deb comes out of the woodwork shouting his name. She asks the boys what their doing there, “Don’t tell me you’ve developed a taste for snatch?” Emmett says he could ask Deb the same thing and Deb says she’s taking his suggestion to let Rosietta down easy. They cut to Rosietta who looks back in the most “huh shucks golly gee” retarded fashion imaginable. She’s just so frickin’ uncouth! Emmett tells her that he hopes the fish bite and isn’t the point of telling a woman that you’re not a lesbian to make her not want to bite your fish? I'll also mention that Deb has said nothing about Ted acting weird or being dressed like a tree tagger, because it's all about her.

We pan over to Ted and then to a woman in leather right beside him. This woman looks exactly like this guy I work with. I mean exactly. He’s kind of a big guy, but it’s a manageable big, not like, obese big. He has the eyes of a saint and the voice of an angel. We never learn our lady’s name so we’ll call her A-Dogg, after my guy (hope you don’t mind A-Dogg! It’s all love baby!). Anyhow, A-Dogg tells Ted he looks pretty beat up and wonders if a man did that to him. Gosh, they even sound the same! You know A-Dogg went on sabbatical last year, I wonder… A-Dogg regrets not being there to help, but assures Ted that when the swelling goes down, he’ll be just as beautiful as ever. Emmett and Ted both look around to see who A-Dogg is talking to. While I like this part a lot (which, who da thunk?), you can tell that it must have taken a lot of takes to get it because the shots are all over the place. None of them seam together very well. A-Dogg gives the Ted a little wink, grabs his butt, gives Em the once over, and takes her leave. They should totally make her a recurring character. I don’t know how or why, that’s for the writers to figure out, I just know it needs to be done. Ted hilariously says, “That person thinks I’m a lesbian! My God, what have I done to myself?” Ted storms out of the bar all dramatically, not in any way drawing attention to himself, and we cut to see A-Dogg looking menacingly at Emmett. Emmett tells her the “[Ted] hasn’t been herself since the hot flashes.” Then he gives the greatest little uncomfortable smile. I was watching SFU this week and Claire did the same thing only with a great little Raji laugh. I’m going to perfect that and use it at parties.

We swoosh over to Deb and Rosietta on the other side of the bar. Deb makes commentary about all of the beautiful women. Rosietta barely seems to notice and tells Deb that she’s glad she asked Rosietta out. Deb keeps trying to point out girls to tickle Rosietta’s fancy “She’s… handsome. All those tattoos”, but Rosietta ain’t having it. Deb keeps jacking off her beer bottle and I can’t tell if it’s just a nervous tick, or if she’s trying to send a subliminal message. Deb points out one more girl who looks suspiciously like Tammy Lyon’s body double, “I bet she’d love it if someone took her hand and said, ‘Buy you a beer?’ Rosietta bets she would too, but continues to not get the point. Deb asks if there’s anyone there that Rosietta likes, and Rosietta says there is. She puts her hand on Deb’s and says, “Buy you a beer?” I immediately start to sing the “Buy Me a Beer” song from The Simpsons, and I’m struck with the fact that if Rosietta were towheaded she could totally be Barney.

Gym Bunnies and the Pounds That They Weigh
We arrive at the gym to find Brian and Ben working out together. So, are things cool between all of them now? This just seems very odd. Once again we see Ben not working, and we know that Brian only works when the plot needs him to be in an office of some sort, and Michael is nowhere to be seen. Anyhow, Ben is lifting a rather heavy looking set of weights and Brian starts his whole, “monogamy is for SUCKAS!” rant and you know how I feel about that. Ben says that contrary to popular belief, some married couples do like to look good for each other, Brian is just surprised that they still look. Ben says it’s part of growing up and Brian counters that it’s more like giving up. They blah some more and Ben hands off the weights to Brian saying that he can’t be Peter Pan forever. You know Peter Pan is about to file a defamation of character suit against this show, if only he could read and write. Ben goes on to say that these days he prefers the family room to the back room. Brian interjects that back in those days Ben enjoyed getting ganged banged in the orgy rooms of the liberty bath currently known as Kinetic. Ben leaves it to Brian to remember, and Brian leaves it to Ben to forget now that he’s “HIV and oh so PC.” Brian struggles a little with the weights and Ben helps him out a little bit. It’s a little, “yeah I have HIV, but I can still beat you down so you better watch your mouth”-ish. I like semi-hostile Ben.

Brian laments that he couldn’t save Michael from becoming a Stepford Fag, but he’s happy that he kept Justin from a fate worse that being a heterosexual. Ben asks what that is and Brian, while checking out some gym scum, says, “an imitation of a heterosexual?” Sigh. Please stop talking Kinney. For the love of StickyKeys please stop. Ben saw Brian give Gym Scum the LOOK OF HOMOSEXUAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT and asks if he’s going to after his friend to the Back Steam Room of Sex. Brian says, “I’d love to Professor, but I still got another 24 hours before the syphilis clears up.” Ha! I’m just going to recap the rest of this show from the floor since that’s where I’ll end up anyway. Brian also gives this fantastic look on his face. He is the best news giver ever. Can you imagine how he told Linds’ parents that he was the father of her baby? “Hello Mr. Peterson, sorry to hear about your ejaculation dysfunction, I’ve heard that some medications make it hard for men cum. By the way, I knocked up your lesbian daughter.” Ben has this, “Oh Lawd.” look on his face and Brian has this, “-eh?” look on his face that’s priceless.

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Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 5

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

Don’t Call It A Comeback
Ben and Michael are preparing to go to Hunter’s meeting at school and are giving some chick instructions about the baby. Justin’s there and I don’t quite understand why. Is he babysitting too, why didn’t they just hire him in the first place? How does Justin get around? I don’t think he’s ever learned how to drive, and HOLY FRICKIN CRAP that’s Daphne! DAPHNE!!! Wheeeee!!! Oh I missed you girl! Where’ve you been? Well of course this show doesn’t care about Daph, so we never find out. Daphne gushes over JR and Justin says she’s twice as big since the last time her saw her which knowing Justin was 4 weeks ago. Daphne asks if Justin ever thinks about having one and at first I thought this was going to be another case of crazy “I’ll have your baby!” Daphne that we saw back in season one when they had sex (which, awkward!), but luckily it’s just to set up Justin to talk about all of Brian’s faults. Seems as though Brian won’t even get a puppy much less a baby. Justin says that now is not the time to have a life altering conversation with Brian, “at least until his syphilis clears up”. That boy’s a fast learner! Daphne looks appropriately shocked. At first I thought it was just due to Justin’s remark, but I’m also guessing there was a mirror in front of her and she saw her hair. It’s actually pretty nice, but her ends are tragic. Looks like Dean is at it again.

“I Took Real Offense At That, I Mean, I’m On the PTA!”
PrinciPal begins the meeting by introducing Dr. Judith Davidson from the Torontosburgh AIDS product to clear up some rumors. There are several people there including Cunt and Lameass. Dr. J assures the parents that the risk of transmission from Hunter’s incident is next to nothing. I love Ben in this scene because he’s acting like he’s in church with all the head nodding and what not. But you can tell he knows he’s not in church so he can’t jump up and yell, “Testify Dr. J! Tell it, tell the truth now!” My church is so much fun. Lameass interrupts and tells her that that’s not the only thing that Hunter is exposing them to. He goes on to say that Hunter is a prostitute and a male hustler. Now, while none of that is true anymore, I’m interested to know about what’s going through the doctor’s head. I was on a panel in high school that dealt with body image. I was to speak and then have an open forum along with 2 other people. I had no idea what they were going to talk about, but I assumed we would all be on the same wavelength. I talked about being a black girl in a white world and how you think that just because you’re different that you’re not as good. Another woman talked about the same thing only in relation to body weight and shape. The third woman began talking about how some ten year old she counsels who liked to dress in women’s clothing and how he should be encouraged to do it so as to eradicate preset social determinations based on sex. Me and chick #2 were like, “uhh, we’re not with her.” It had mostly to do with the fact that the lady was full of crap and really the boy was crying out for attention, but the point of all of that is to say Dr. D must have thought she got screwed on this deal, because the prostitution thing wasn’t what she signed off on.

Michael tells Lameass to hold on! and Lameass is all “Can I finish? Can I, Can I finish?” and Ben’s all, “as a matter of fact you can’t!” but Lameass decides he’s going to finish anyhow and says he’s sure that he speaks for all the parents there when he says they don’t want their kids around someone with Hunter’s background. Hey, a black man! Hi Guy! Ben becomes livid and jumps up to defend Hunter, “You don’t know a damn thing about his background! How he was abused by his mother, how he had to escape from a series of foster homes, how he literally had to sleep in the streets!” Michael tags him, “or how he had to regain his health to catch up in school!” And dang, while I know our boys are trying to help, I think I’d be a little leery about all of my business being put out there. Poor Hunter, he’s like the Forrest Gump of bad childhoods, everything has happened to that kid.

Lameass’s cousin Jackass wonders if this is a Dickens’ novel. What an unadulterated prick! Okay, this war against the heterosexuals has got to stop because I refuse to believe that he would be able to not only get away with saying something like that, but that people had the nerve to laugh. This is a kid’s life you’re talking about and all you have is lame literary jokes? Whatever writers, you’re so lucky you bring it in the next few scenes because we would have to have a long overdue chat. We still might. Ben tells the parents that their children lead privileged lives, and they dare to laugh at his son’s misfortune. I love how Ben takes ownership of Hunter, and not in a creepy way, but in a very loving way. The room falls quiet and Hunter stands and tells Ben that it’s okay because he’s learned something new too. “Now I know how your kids got to be the way they are. From you.” That’s it. I love Hunter, I tried so hard not to, and I know he’ll do something to mess it up, but I love that kid! Ben sits back down and puts one hand around Hunter and one around Michael. I find it odd that these parents have no problem with Ben and Michael being gay, but they have a problem with the HIV thing. I know the two aren’t the same, but tolerance for one usually denotes tolerance for the other. Huh.

Justin Had the Baby and the Head Popped Off
Daphne is sporting some major chunking high lights and I don’t like it much, but it’s Daph and we hardly ever get to see her so I’ll let it slide this time. She can’t understand how Justin can be so casual about the whole syphilis thing. Justin said he made a big deal of it at first, but his tests came back negative so he guesses it's ’kay. He would. Leave it to Justin to only care about a problem that directly effects him. Daphne worries that next time he won’t be so lucky and Justin promises that he’ll be safe. You know, condoms are only so effective and if you’re in a polygamous relationship it’s cause for stress anyway, but to be in one with Brian “Over 1 Million Served” Kinney has got to send your blood pressure through the roof. Daphne and I wish Justin could be more than just “safe”. Justin asks her if she wishes they would settle down and be monogamous. He tells her it’s never going to happen and since the credits have just added The Reverse Psychology Fairy, we know it’s so going to happen. Evidently JR isn’t in tune with the RP Fairy and is quite upset about the thought of Justin not getting what he wants. She starts balling and Justin and Daph go to check on her.

JR is not a happy camper and I always wonder how they get babies and little kids to cry as actors. That’s got to be the cruelest job in the world. Daphne says that JR is burning up and her and Justin commence to freak right out. It’s kind of humorous only because at no time do they actually pick up the baby to try and comfort it. That’s odd because they both have younger siblings so you’d think this situation would have come up before. The camera goes crazy ER-style on us and Justin decides he should call Michael. Unfortunately, Michael’s in a meeting (duh) and it goes straight to voicemail. Justin laments about the fact it went straight to voice mail, but he never leaves a message. Way to go there in the information giving bracket, 'eh Just? Justin does the only thing he knows to do and makes one last call. I’m pretty sure it was to Mel because of the look of reluctance on his face before he did it. I’m with you there buddy, I’m with you there.

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Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 6

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

You Don’t Have To Go Home…
Lameass and Cunt say goodbye to PrinciPal and head out of the gym after the meeting. PrinciPal tells MiBen and Hunter that this was supposed to be an informative meeting, and not a Kangaroo Court. PrinciPal says that he apologizes and wants MiBen to know that not everyone feels that way, and they would have said something except Lameass never told them when he was finished and to interrupt him would be just plain rude. Well, he doesn’t really say that last part, but we all know it’s true. Ben said it’s not PrinciPal’s fault, but he thanks him for saying it anyway. PrinciPal continues saying that they have a much bigger problem then they thought. He blahs for a bit and it basically amounts to Hunter going to another school. Because why try to fix what’s already broken? Hunter says that he’s not leaving, and Michael becomes a straight hater and tells Hunter that they need to at least consider what PrinciPal has to say. Man Michael, you could have saved that for the car! You don’t agree with the straights in front of them, then they think they’re right! Hunter says he doesn’t care what the other kids do, they are not going to chase him away. My goodness this kid is sooo Canadian! I think they’ve just stopped trying to convince us this is Pittsburgh in terms of casting anymore. Ben doesn’t say much, but his face, well, it’s beautiful, but it doesn’t say much either. Huh.

Close Your Eyes and Count to Five…
We begin the next scene in the local Sacred Heart where Baby is cranky, but Mommy is pissed! Linds comes running in and instantly gets all of her hair points removed. It’s wavy and curly and volumn-esque, but it’s also kind of greasy and looks a hot mess. Linds says she got there as soon as possible and Mel asks where Gus was. At first I thought Linds told her that Justin had him thus elongating his night in babysitting hell, but it seems as though a “Dusty” was able to take him. You know that’s so familiar, but I cannot remember who Dusty is. Big recap shout out to whoever can tell me that!

Who's Dusty?
Dusty is a recurring character that has shared the love and losses of our crew!
Dusty is the neighborhood kid that helped MeLinds through their first marital crisis.
Dusty is a crotchety old woman with a heart of gold and a penchant for the symphony.
The writers made Dusty up just to eff with us.

Free polls from

It turns out it’s been an at least an hour since Mel has been at the hospital. Poor JR is just bawlin' here and it’s breakin' my heart. That’s why I could never work at a hospital because there are just too many people that need attention and you kind of become jaded to it. I guess the same logic would apply itself to the reason I can never work at a grocery store checkout stand, but I think you get my drift. Ben and Michael run in with Michael explaining that they just got the message.

Melanie says, “Where? In Babylon?” Michael gives her a hearty and well deserved “Fuck You!” Sticky Keys says, “gaawwd Dang!” Ben wants everyone to simmer down now and explains that they were at Hunter’s school and there was a problem. Mel agrees that there most definitely is a problem and Linds tells our boys that Mel’s been there over an hour. I’m sorry, who left Michael this message? How long was this meeting, and how long into the babysitting gig did JR get sick? It just seems odd that with Michael so riled up about this baby he wouldn’t have checked his messages sooner. What’d they do, go to a Carl’s Jr. after the meeting and then take in a show? It just seems like an absurd amount of time is all.

Melanie can’t believe they left JR alone and really she needs to calm what I like to call, the eff down. That’s why I hate that they don’t tell us how long any of the parents have JR. If MiBen wanted to go out to dinner, and they have JR for a week, then getting a babysitter shouldn’t be a problem. If it’s like 3 days then they could probably wait. The stupid thing though, is that this was an emergency involving another child. It’s not like they decided to go for a midnight stroll and decided to pick up some tail, they’re on the frickin' PTA! Michael tells Mel that JR was with Daph and Justin and Mel wants to know what they know about anything. I don’t think Melanie realizes that she’s not the first woman to have a baby EVER, and I would disagree with her, but it’s Justin and Daphne and though I love them to death, we all know that they’re both idiots. Ben tells Melanie that (though they’re idiots) they knew enough to call Mel. Melanie harshes that Ben “has no say in this so butt out! Ben puts on his best poo face and says, “Excuse ME!?” Michael’s all, “Don’t be dissin' him!” Well he doesn’t say that verbatim, but it’s so much more fun to imagine this scene in Ebonics. that way you can add in the appropriate, “girl!”, “oh no she didn’t!”, and “Yo Mama!” catch phrases when needed. I might interject that I absolutely love this scene. I’m love/hating everyone in it. It’s like a gay WASPy version of playing the dozens.

Michael tells Mel that they had another kid that needed their attention and Mel informs our boys that she don’t give two craps about their other kid, she cares about her daughter who happens to be in a lot of pain! Linds goes to find a nurse which, if Mel was so concerned why wasn’t she already haranguing the hospital staff? They ignore Linds completely and Mel continues with “all I know is the second I leave her with you, you take off!” Which is crap. This has to be about the 3rd or 4th time Michael’s had her. Mel doesn’t care about minor details though, she’s going to run this by her lawyer and they’re going to court and making sure Michael loses custody. Michael basically says, “Bring IT ON!!!” but before the death match can begin, a nurse informs they that the doctor can see the baby now. The nurse tells them that only one person can go in and Mel insists on going because she’s the mother and Michael insists on going since he’s the father. Mel says, “yeah some father!” and Michael yells, “You say that one more time!” Now I in no way advocate violence against women, but if Michael wanted to sucker punch her one good time? I think I’d be okay with that. I think I might supply the brass knuckles.

Linds grabs the baby with urgency, but still makes time to admonish the other two for their unsavory behavior. Ben looks at Mel like she’s short and the best scene EVER finally comes to an end. That was great for all the drama heads in the crowd. My adrenaline is all pumped up, I gotta find a way to burn it off!

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Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 7

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

I Know My Syphilis. It Says You + Me = STD
We open on Pittsburgh’s favorite club and that Babylon branded Thumpa Thumpa! Emmett is sippin’ on a little cocktail and I love how he drinks. He does this all the time. Always with the straw, it’s so cute! Brian asks Em if he’s flying solo and Em says that not everyone is as lucky as Brian to be in a non-relationship. Brian then inquires as to the whereabouts of Ted. It seems Ted is still shaken by his lesbian encounter and really Ted should take his opportunities where he finds them. Brian says that if he doesn’t get back to work he’s fired and Emmett says he’ll be sure to pass on the message. Now that our Ted story line is nicely capped, Brian says he has another announcement to make. Emmett is hoping that it’s half price for all bottoms and it still cracks me up that they won’t let Emmett in free. Maybe it’s just because I’m cheap, but I wouldn’t stand for that. Brian wryly reveals he has syphilis and I love how Emmett is struggling not to laugh. I think I would do the same. Only for curable STDs because as long as you don’t die, or have horrible illness, then it’s pretty funny.

Emmett says it hasn’t been Brian’s year dick wise. Brian says he has to inform all of his past flames so they can get tested. Brian refers to them as his former receptacles and that’s just too nasty for words. And kinda mean. Basically they’re like trashcans for his cum. Eww. Emmett thinks that maybe a full-page ad in USA Today would be more efficient and I have to say I agree. He could put a little graphic of Uncle Sam on it saying, "I Want You… to get tested, because if you slept with me in the last 6 months than you probably have syphilis!" Brian says he prefers the personal touch and Emmett says that it’s the personal touch that led him to spreading the news (and coincidentally, the syphilis). For the first time Brian looks a little pissed but it’s with Emmett so naturally I find it to be hilarious. Brian then goes to the closest guy on the dance floor. "Remember last Wednesday? I have syphilis. Ha! I don’t think Brian’s message delivery will ever get old for me. That guy tells another guy who tells another guy and suddenly we have a Verizon sponsored game of telephone. It’s pretty much like regular telephone except this time the roaming charges are crazy high! I will point out something really stupid. Brian asks the first guy if he remembers last Wednesday, and that guy taps a guy and says, "Remember last Tuesday?" Which, why would last Tuesday matter. Oh, I guess maybe if he thought he’s the one that gave it to Brian, but what a weird conclusion to jump to. My head hurts, moving on. Emmett says fortunately for him he’s been spared that nasty rash, until some guy comes and whispers sweet somethings in his ear. "Till now," he says. Brian lifts his glass and they toast and Emmett starts sucking on that straw again. Seriously y’all think about anytime we’ve seen Emmett drink anything with a straw. It’s so cute. I love Em. Anyhow, I hope they send a messenger to Poppers to spread the word, maybe that’s why that place is shut down. One too many STDs are bad for a club. Ooh, did I just turn into the Foreshadowing Fairy? Awesome!

Patiently Waiting in the Patient’s Waiting Room
MiBen and Mel are awaiting the results. The setup is nice, Ben has his arm around Michael’s leg and they are very loving, and Mel is working off her stress by trying to win the Guinness World Record for fastest page-turner in the magazine category. Lindsay comes out with the baby and Mel and Michael jump into action. Turns out little JR had an ear infection and has a couple of medications to take. Mel grabs the baby and says she’s going to take her home, but Michael is all, “Nuh uh! It’s still my turn!” and Mel is all, “You had your time!” Michael tells her that they had an agreement and Mel says he practically abandoned her and you know what, I’m going to have to issue my first ever SHUT THE HELL UP! to Melanie Marcus. My God! Until I see JR in a dumpster wrapped in newspaper, I’m going to need her to lay off. Linds says they need to calm down and Ben emphatically agrees. Mel harps some more and finally Michael reaches for the baby and says, “Come here Honey Bunch.” Mel’s all, “like hell!”, and Lindsay finally breaks them up.

Then dear readers, we begin the most tiresome tirade of the episode. "Won’t somebody think of the baby? You don’t really care about the baby, you only care about you! And what about the baby? Baby? Baby baby baby, baby? Baby! I’m withdrawing myself from the custody arrangement. Baby baby, baby baybe."
I swear to you, that’s exactly what happened. Linds' deliver of course is smooth and judgmental which I hate. She goes off leaving everyone a little flummoxed.

Rosietta loves Richard, but she don’t like Dick (Sorry, there are way too many scenes in this ep)
Rosietta delivers a plate of heart shaped Jello to Deb. Yeah, I’m going to need her to stop. Rosie also points out the edible pansies and Deb says they’re not the first ones in there. She tells Rosietta that she shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble, but Rosietta says that nothing’s too much trouble for Deb. She tries to set up another date and Deb finally settles in for THE TALK. This has nothing to do with anything, but as I was typing this up, my 10 year old nephew came in the room. I had to pause the show, and he asked if that was the lady who's on Roseanne on the screen. HA! You know Rosietta can see the rejection coming so she tries to buy time by saying she has to deliver food, but Deb insists that Betty can serve them and really who is this Betty and why have we only heard of her? With such a high-ticket guest star as Rosieann Barrdonnell maybe the show couldn’t afford a Betty?

Deb tells Rosietta that she’s pleased that Rosietta likes her to which Rosietta replies she more than likes her. Deb says the only problem is that she’s not gay, but God knows that her life would have been easier if she were. I think we can all look at MeLinds and disagree with that statement. Deb goes on to say that after working there all these years, the gay hasn’t rubbed off and it’s not going to. Rosietta says she didn’t think she was gay at first either, but that was only until she met the right person. Does she mean the Sexual Spoon lady? Deb says that she has met the right person, and his name is Carl Horvath. Well okay then. Rosietta’s a little crushed and tries to leave, but Deb decides to pour kosher and sea salt on the wound by making her stay and listen to more of her drivel. Deb tells Rosietta that she’s not in love with Deb, but she’s happy because she’s being her true self. She’s in love with the real her. Deb is thrilled for Rosietta, but tells her she needs someone that can love her back. Rosietta looks sad and I would feel for her, but… Rosietta.

Coming Out of the Dark!
Emmett lets some sun into Ted’s apartment much to Ted’s dismay. Ted insists that light is his enemy, and darkness is his only friend, but Emmett thinks Ted and Light just need to play together and maybe they’ll like it. Emmett brought a bunch of supplies and tells Ted that it’s time for Queer Guy to work his Fairy Magic. Ted says that the last time he worked his Fairy Magic he almost ended up engaged to Tonya Trucker. Hey! Lay off Ted. She was a decent woman who was willing to protect you. Some men can be so harsh sometimes.

Emmett pulls off Ted’s hat and tries to decide what color Ted’s hair should be. It was confirmed earlier this week that I was in fact the only one that liked Ted’s blond hair and that people were actually throwing block parties at it’s renewal to it’s original color. Or maybe it was just a barbecue. Huh. Anyway, Ted goes on his “I’m ugly” rant and this whole time the camera is again going to great lengths to not let us see his entire face. The odd thing is we keep getting these huge profile shots, but nothing straight on. It doesn’t seem like much has changed though, and knowing this show he’ll probably look exactly the same but shinier and redder. Did I just foreshadow again?

Emmett cuts Ted off and sweetly tells him, “No matter what you look like, there will always be one person who is blinded by your dazzling beauty.” You know 95.263% of me doesn’t want this show to go anywhere near the Ted/Emmett lovin' story line again, but a little part of me would like to see them together… if only for one night. Now turn around, and let me see your booty! God I hate that song, screw you Bobby Valentino!

Homo Hater High
Callie is telling Hunter about Cunt and Lameass’s reactions to the meeting. Callie say’s that Hunter basically called them fascist hate mongers, “You know what that can do to two lifelong liberal democrats?” Right. Okay, I know the show is trying to be all edgy and be all “even democrats have no souls”, but I ain’t buying that for a minute. Callie says that they deserved every bit of what they got, she’s just sorry that he had to go through that. Callie seems to be going to great lengths to get Hunter back and it seems to be working. Callie says she’s glad Hunter stayed and he grabs her hand and says that he is too. He tells her that they can go to the movies or get pizza, or he can steal her father’s car and they can drive to LA. You know what, Callie’s probably got a curfew so I’m thinking they should just go for the- what’s this? Callie rips her hand out of Hunters and he begins to insist that he’s just joking, but then we see some other kid come up and kiss Callie! That little Hoo-er! They walk off and Hunter is rightly crushed. That heiffa couldn’t tell Hunter about that before? Whatever!

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Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 8

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

When You Can’t Get Wood, Go To Woody’s (See? I told you, too many freakin’ scenes!)
Michael gets off the phone with Mel who tells him that JR is doing fine, and that he’s an asshole. Ben’s like, “Oh no she didn’t!”, but Michael says that he added that last part. Ben tells him that he was just looking out for the baby and God here we go again. Michael says, “Baby baby baby? Baby bay! Bee baby, baby bay, looking out for myself and baby baby baby.” He’s decided that Lindsay was right and Ben thinks he’s going to give up custody, but Michael’s like, “Please!” That made me smile because it’s such a Michael thing to do. Michael says, “babay babee, custody arrangement, baby baby, more time with her mother, baby babe”, and you can tell Ben is sick of this nutty, corn filled, bull crap, but tells Michael he thinks it’s a very loving and wise decision to make.

He then rewards Michael with kisses and with the lack of sex in this ep I must say it was refreshingly hot.
They suck face until Brian comes up and asks what kind of behavior that is for a proper married couple. Michael answers that it’s improper and undignified. Ben translates this as, “mmm Fun!” It’s cute and just the right amount of creepy. Michael tells Brian that he ought to try it sometime and he might enjoy it. I know I mentioned it before, but why would they put us through the turmoil of a Michael/Brian friendship hiatus and then just be like, “hiatus over”. It’s fairly unsatisfying and kind of rude. Stupid show.

Emmett runs in and tells our boys that, “he’s here!” Emmett is jumping up and down and clapping and very excited. Ben wants to know who is here and Emmett tells him that though it’s not Eli Levy, he’s excited because he finally got Ted out of the house. Emmett really does have a old man thing doesn’t he? And why Eli Levy? That is the oddest thing ever, I think I would have believed Joel Grey before Eli Levy. Ah well. Emmett tells the boys to praise Ted and tell him he looks fabulous. Brian hilariously practices this many times until some guy comes in. Brian remarks that Ted really does look fabulous, but we learn that that’s not the real Ted. The real Ted does come in and we get this hilarious shot of our boys. Ben is especially funny in that “I know that something’s supposed to be different but…” way. Ted looks exactly the same y’all, only shinier and redder just like I said. God this show. The men cheer and shower Ted with praise. Emmett gives Brian a little nudge and Brian tells him in the gayest way that Brian can, that Ted is fabulous. Ted is pleasantly surprised by this and goes to buy drinks for everyone.

Capt. Obvious tells us that Ted basically looks the same, Brian says he never looked at Ted long enough to notice, and I completely believe that. Ben interjects that it’s something around the eyes. I love that for some reason. I think it’s because Ben is in his own little world playing a version of Where’s Waldo with Ted’s face. I love Ben about 10x’s more now. Ben says that he just looks rested. Emmett says that it doesn’t matter that Ted looks the same, all that matters is that he thinks he does. I think all that matters is that he spent all that money and ain’t a dang thang changed. He basically paid thousands of dollars for the Emperor’s new face.

And That’s the Last We Ever Saw of Her… Hopefully
Deb hears the doorbell and assumes it’s Carl, who lives there and has a key. Right. Anyhow, she runs to the door wearing many layers of lingerie and yelling through the door all of the things she’s going to do to Carl, and opens the door to find Rosietta.

Rosietta tells Deb she came by to thank her again and that she might have gotten a little carried away. She said it was the first time she was able to show another woman affection without getting slugged by Darrell. Has this happened more than once? Was it a gravy spoon last time, and then before that a spaghetti spork? Deb has on a necklace that says “sexy”. I just thought I’d mention that. Rosietta informs us that she’s leaving. And not just the diner, but Torontosburgh as well. Deb says that just because she’s not in love with Rosietta doesn’t mean she has to leave. Rosie tells Deb that it’s not about her and Deb hilariously says, “Oh.” Ha! Take THAT Deb! Once again, I must make commentary about the lack of any work ethic in this city. Which sucks because Pittsburgh is a pretty nifty place to work in. They get paid weekly and have killer labor laws. Stupid Nebraska!

Rosietta says that she has a problem with becoming fixated on things. I can relate to that, so can the guy I’m stalking. Rosietta says it’s been that way ever since the shrimp. Anyone else I would want to expand on that, but Rosie doesn’t’ have to if she doesn’t want to, but of course she wants to. It turns out that when she was young her parents used to take her to the Ramada every Sunday night. I need this to stop right now, but it never stops. She says that she loved the shrimp and no matter what she would always go back for more and more despite other recommendations. Rosietta tells Deb that if she stays there she’ll never move on. Then Rosietta goes outside and we see a flying saucer in the air with a ladder extended from its entrance. Rosietta grabs the ladder and tells Deb to think of her when she looks at the stars. Okay, that doesn’t really happen, but seriously, that would make a more plausible exit for Rosie than this crap. I’m going to need Rosietta to be able to adjust to life amongst the “regular people”. This is so dumb. I’m done with this scene.

Mel’s Mansion
Lindsay is dropping some stuff off at Mel’s and telling her that she won’t be needing it since JR won’t be at her apartment anymore. Melanie proves that there is such a thing as a dumb question by asking Linds, “You’re not doing this because you don’t want to be [JR]’s mother anymore are you?” Linds says that she’s her mother now more than ever because now she’s doing this for the baby and baby baby baby.” Mel says thank you and Linds says she never intended for it to be so ugly. Mel says that’s how divorces go and why did Linds think they would be any different? Linds says because they loved each other more. I think I’m of the firm belief that the more a couple loves each other, the messiest their breakup will be. I think it’s the reason many couples stay together, because they don’t want to have to go through all of that. MeLinds need to hurry up and get back together.
Linds pulls out a check for her half of the water heater and I think it’s interesting to note that Melanie not only got the baby again, but she also got money for the heater. She pulled herself a little Brian there. Okay Mel, we're cool again. Wait, dangit she did it again!

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Let’s All Stop Thinking of Ourselves: QAF Recap 505 06-12-05 Page 9

and start thinking about the baby!
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 505 Aired 06-12-05

Liberty and Dancing For All
Michael and Ben are cruising down Liberty Ave and Michael is reminiscing about the old days. We get some shots of him from past seasons, the greatest of which is when he’s hanging with Emmett and Ted. It’s awesome because it reminds me of that horridly fantastic, bright red, mohair coat that Emmett used to own. God that boy has a fashion sense all of his own.

Ben and Michael see Hunter smoking weed, and hanging out with his old hustler friends. Seems Hunter can’t get no tang so he’s given up on the school thing. He says he’s not going back and at least with his friends there accept him as he is. Just a side note, while it’s great to have friends that support you in everything, it'’ even better to have friends that challenge you and make you think about the decisions you’ll make in life. Just a thought.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
Brian comes in for the night and asks Justin if he’s hard at work. Justin doesn’t answer, but instead asks him how Babylon was. Brian says it was hard at play. You know I didn’t pay attention to this the first time, but Justin turns his artwork over as soon as Brian comes in. It’s important for later, but I think it was a really nice subtle choice on Randy’s behalf. Justin asks why Brian’s home so early, and Brian informs Justin that his celibacy period is over and he wanted Justin to be the first to know. Justin says he’s touched, and Brian tells him “You’ll be a lot more that touched when I’m done with you.” Yeah, you might be diseased too!

Justin says he has work to do, Brian tells him to do it in the morning, but Justin says he’s doing it now. I guess Justin has found a way to make the syphilis thing about him so he cares about it now. Let’s see what he came up with.
Justin: “How can you be so fucking casual? Don’t you ever get tired?” Brian says to get tired of something means it’s become predictable, unsatisfying, and boring, which is exactly where there conversation is headed.
Justin says it could mean that you found something that was more satisfying. Brian asks what that would be, but Justin doesn’t have an answer. Brian goes to take a shower and asks when Justin’s coming to bed. Justin says in a while and we finally see what he’s been working on. It’s pretty gross. It’s a picture of Rage and he has these open blisters all over his face.

We end with the credits proclaiming that they don’t give a fuck about the weather. What an oddly fitting ending

Next time on QAF:
There’s a scandal involving a jock strap on Queer Guy and it culminates with Kent Brockman telling Em to stick to metrosexuals and keep his sex life off the screen.

Ted decides to get even with the worse sexual encounter he’s ever had. He’s sure he can get away with it since he’s “beautiful” now.

Brian can’t get a hot guy, or he can, I’m not sure what was going on there at all.

After the Next On, we get a very nice AIDS PSA where these people are kind of dancing and turning into more people. They’re spreading the KNOW and looking good while doing it. So much better than the pinky bikes!

See you next week!

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