crap game in Torontosburghby StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05Hoffman’s, Now With 95% More Gay!We open on a fairly nice department store with a huge color display board of Emmett’s Queer Guy flyer. Yeah, it’s exactly what you think. Emmett’s giving fashion advice (God have mercy) to some guy and his wife. There’s a long line of people behind them as it seems Emmett has drawn quite the crowd. He gives Erwin a shirt and tie to go with a jacket he has in his hands. It’s not a horrible combination, but, well, it’s Emmett. Erwin’s wife says she doesn’t mind what he wears, she’s just happy he shaved his head. Now they get
freaky deaky uh uh in the bedroom. Emmett says he can’t tell them how much it warms his heart to know he’s keeping heteros horny. Heh. That was cute, except I think what would make them hornier is a copy of one of your online pornos.
Anyhoo, Emmett takes a “tinkle time” break which was not only too much information, but also gay as hell. You know as much as I bag on Emmett’s style, I must admit that he’s doing okay right now. He has on these khaki-ish colored pants (they have more of a green tint to them), and a lovely pink, cream, and khaki-ish striped dress shirt paired with a cranberry/dusty rose tie. Very complimentary. Emmett runs exactly 5 feet and into Linds and Ted. It’s funny because there’s an obvious line of people behind him, and he never goes out of the way to make people think he’s actually taking a break. He’s just hanging out talking to his friends.
Linds tells him that he’s a superstar and gives him a kiss and remarks on how large the crowd is. Ted says it’s second only to when the Stones played Three Rivers stadium and if that’s true then Torontosburgh needs to get some new acts to come through. I wish they would have asked me, Josh Gracin was here on Thursday, I could have sent him over. Ted and Emmett give each other that stupid two-cheek kiss that I can’t stand. It’s just so time consuming, either give me a peck or make out with me, but don’t get lip balm all over my face just to be all stuck up.
Emmett looks up and seems slightly surprised. It turns out Brian has come along for the fun. If this event is between 1-3pm, then we know that this isn’t on their lunch break. So why would the owner and accountant of the most successful ad agency EVER both not be in the office in the middle of a work day? Emmett tells Brian, “You don’t know what it means that you would show up to support me”, I’m just as surprised as he is until Brian opens his big stupid mouth, “Well, I needed socks.” Linds and Ted tell Em not to pay Brian any attention. Ted says that Brian is as proud of Emmett as they are, “Aren’t you?” Brian laughs a little and scoffs, “It’s an honor to count among some of my close and personal friends television’s latest gay eunuch.” Sigh. First of all, oh wait.. there’s more? Okay, go ahead Brian.
Brian: Blah blah blah, bozo the ball-less boob, blah blah blah, long line of losers, blah blah blah.
Well Brian, I think you’re over exaggerating, I mean those are Emmett’s fans. “They adore me!” Emmett seethes. Brian says it’s because Emmett’s so cute and then proceeds to hold up the cutest pic of Emmett ever. It’s a head shot and Emmett is looking off to the right and has his lips pursed and a finger on his chin. And yes, it’s adorable, but not in a defacing way. You see- huh? What Brian? Oh, you’re still not finished? Okay.”
Brian: Blah blah blah, take it up the ass, blah blah.
Huh, well thank you for that insight. Emmett tells Brian that once again he can’t tell him what it means that he’d show up to support Em. Except this time I don’t think he means it quite the same way.
Okay, can I go now? Are you done yet? No? Well too bad, I’m saying my piece now sit down and shut up! First of all, since when does being gay mean that you have to be all about sex all the time? In today’s world “gay” is a culture, and just like any other culture there are different facets to it. If you look at the success of the Fab Five, I don’t think they have made “gay” anything less than what it is. They are just showing a different side of it. Whether it be sassy, cute, or sexy, they all play a part in the bigger picture. When I think of Carson I don’t think of sex. It’s not that I don’t want to think of sexy Carson because he’s gay, it’s that I don’t want to think of sexy Carson because he’s ugly, and does nothing for me in that department. Now give me Kyan and David Beckham on a platter in a dimly lit room for 15 minutes and you’ll have a completely different story (and one hell of a collection of fanfic).
So when Brian is talking about “the sexless gay” he’s talking about his idea of an undesirable homosexual. Because Brian thinks with his dick and nothing else. If you’re not sexy, you’re nothing to him. Yes, Emmett is adorable, but he’s adorable as a person, and not as a homosexual. I know several grating gay people just like I know several wickedly funny straight people and vice versa. The only thing culturally “gay” about Emmett’s act is his flamboyance and flair. It’s something that everyone possesses, but not everyone can actualize it. Basically the point is that Emmett is okay, and SHUT UP Brian!
Brian puts his hand on Emmett’s shoulder and says, “Anytime”. Suddenly, a hand comes out of nowhere and pushes Brian’s hand away. Brian gets a stupid flashback to when Toni McFugly pushed his hand away at Babylon. This was one of the worst flashbacks ever because who does that? Who just goes up to someone you don’t know and pushes their hand away like that? The hand belongs to a lady that tells Emmett that she just loves him and he’s so cute. Emmett says thank you, but is understandably a little embarrassed. This is one of those times I hate the show. We all know what’s going to come up and it’s going to be completely unnecessary and stupid, but mainly it’s going to validate what Brian was saying about Emmett which we know is crap anyway. Le Sigh.
MiBen’s Front Porch (Sorry, I got nothin’!)
MiBen are preparing for their party, it looks like their making those paper bag lanterns that you see every now and again. I learned how to do them from Martha and they’re actually pretty nifty.
“He’s been lying to us?” Ben has told Michael about Hunter not being in school and Michael is not pleased. How did Hunter skip school for a week without the school notifying MiBen? Gosh, they suck on
every level! Ben says that there is probably a reason, and when Michael gives him a LOOK, he clarifies that it’s probably not a good reason. Michael thought that Hunter trusted them and told them everything. Ben asks if Michael told Deb everything and Michael says he was on 24 hour surveillance so she knew everything anyway. I must say that there is a slight difference between raising a child from birth, and adopting an ex-prostitute who is also HIV positive. I mean, the assumption is that being two gay parents automatically puts you in the “cool” category, but when those parents pretty much treat you like an adult, then one would surmise that there would be more of an openness present. As we see, that’s not always the case.
Hunter is coming up the walk and Ben tells Michael to try and not let their emotions run amok. Michael says that’s easy for Ben to say since he comes from a long line of repressed alcoholics. Ha! That’s hilarious, and probably the first time we’ve ever heard anything about Ben’s family. Am I right about that? Also, I noticed that Ben isn’t exactly the catch he’s made out to be. He’s a seemingly unemployed “writer”/professor, who’s HIV positive, was once hooked on steroids, and comes from a long line of repressed alcoholics. And he’s a Buddhist vegetarian (which I refuse to believe is only a minus in my book). Baby boy is really lucky he’s gorgeous, that’s all I have to say about that.
Hunter comes and apologizes for being late. He begins to tell that what this week’s debate topic is, but Michael instantly guesses “Secrets and Lies”. Ben gives him this fun “I thought we talked about this?!” look, and I love that Michael did that because it’s so in tune with his character. Hunter’s confused until Michael informs him that they know he hasn’t been to school all week. Hunter goes inside and Ben looks at Michael and says, “Better.” The weird thing is I know that statement was in context, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was referencing.
Hunter wants them to leave him alone and says that he told them he doesn’t want to talk about it. Which, no he didn’t, he told them he was going to debate club. Michael says they have to talk about it and Ben follows that they want to help him. Hunter gets all goth and says, “You can’t help me, no one can help me, it’s too late.” Whatever Hunter, if Edward Scissorhands can have a life, then so can you. That may be a stupid thing to say, but when you really think about it, whose life is worse than his? I do like that Hunter’s all ornery though, he really plays the perfect 17 year old. It’s that time in life where you think that 20 is older than sin and since you are close to 20, then you are just so grown and mature. Then 22 comes to knock you on your butt, but until then there’s 5 years of being a general prick to society. Good times.
Michael says it’s never too late and Ben says that he knows it’s been a tough few weeks. Hunter says to try years and sweetie I understand your pain, but you’re literally preaching to the choir as far as that house is concerned. Ben has had HIV for at least 7 years. He does have the luxury of being beautiful, but I’m sure that if you work hard, and eat your Wheaties, you’ll be on your way in no time! They are walking around the house in this scene and I honestly do not get the set up. It’s like the study merges with the kitchen that looks out into some miscellaneous room. It’s just this weird space of walls and sectionals. It’s a freakin labyrinth. Hunter says that he can’t go back to school and I’m guessing it’s because it takes too long to get out of the house.
Hunter says that everyone stares at him like he’s a piece of shit and when they do, that’s how he feels. Michael tells him that he’s not a piece of shit, and that he’s a “brave, smart, funny wonderful person” and since Hunter’s feeling down I’ll let that slide. Ben interjects that Hunter is their son and Michael says that they love him. This is all very heart warming and Harris Allen is doing a great job. He’s kind of looking down because he’s embarrassed and you know he wants to smile, but one thing I know about kids at that age is they will focus on the negative until it becomes a part of them and puts them back in their funky moods. Ben kind of messes up and tells Hunter that they know what he’s going through to which he replies that they have no idea. The thing is that there’s someone out there who does. Why don’t they take Hunter to the gay youth hospice and introduce him to others that are sharing in his problems? Though to be perfectly honest, Hunter is going through what every ethnic group, fattie, weirdo, and gay person goes through their entire lives. People look at me like crap all the time, but you either suck it up, or you put a little
Shug Avery pee in their water, and sometimes, just sometimes, you do a little of both.
How Much Woody’s Could A Woodchuck, Chuck?Justin and Brian are at the bar and Justin is trying to decide what to get Ben and Michael for their housewarming EXTRAVAGANZA! Justin suggests a barbecue grill or some fireplace tools. Brian says that if Justin doesn’t stop talking about the gift he’s going to burn the fucking place down. Way to Left-Eye your frustrations buddy. Brian is really drunk in this scene and I’m very proud of the fact that I knew that. I used to think that I had no idea what drunk people really acted like, but I realized that I
only know what drunk people act like, because I
only know alcoholics. It’s a bittersweet part of my life.
Justin asks Brian what his problem is. “I have no problems,” he says, “I am problem-less. A problem free zone.” Justin has obviously dealt with a drunk or two and tells Brian to help him pick out a gift. Brian puts his hand over his eyes and points to something random in the catalog that Justin is browsing. It turns out to be a hands-free toilet that senses you are there and automatically flushes. That’s actually pretty awesome, but I don’t know what I would think if my friends bought me a new toilet. Brian says there goes $300 down the crapper and I would like to interject that if Brian is willing to drop $300 on a housewarming gift, then he can come to any party I throw. I mean, the invitation was already extended after
the sling incident, but now it’s concrete, he can just come over if he wants.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Justin demands, but Brian says, “No”. Justin decides not to pry and suddenly we see Toni McFugly: Stalker come in. This guy is totally stalking Brian and I have much more to say about that, and I will… but not yet. Brian eyes Toni and again I have to say how beautiful Brian’s eyes are. It seems noticeable when he’s looking up, or has his eyes wide open, they’re very nice. Brian cracks me up when he goes, “Tsk, anyways…” Ha! It’s such a girl thing to do. Has that ever happened to you? You’re out with your friends and all of a sudden one of them is all, “pshht, whatever” and when you look around to see what the heck she’s talking about, you see her looking at her ex-boyfriend? Man, your groups aren’t any fun at all!
He does that thing where he wants you to keep asking what’s wrong, but doesn’t want to actively volunteer the information. He tells Justin, “you wouldn’t understand.” Justin says he’ll show Brian his SAT scores. Justin would brag about something like that. Brian says Justin’s too young and Justin asks, “compared to who?” “Compared to whom?” Brian corrects gratingly. God if they don’t get to the point. Brian tells Justin in as many as 10 words that the “hot” guy he went after turned him away. Well, he never gets around to actually saying that, but you know that’s what happened. Justin gives him the sad puppy dog face and tells him that it it’s any comfort, “You’re still the hottest guy in [Torontosburgh], now help me pick out a gift.” I love Justin’s nonchalance to this revelation. You can tell that not only does he not care, but he really doesn’t want to hear about it. I can see that, no matter how open your relationship is, I don’t think you want to hear about all the sordid details. Especially if it’s what you didn’t get.
Brian says he’s not going to the fucking party, and when Justin asks why, he says, “I’m going to a fucking party.” That was actually a nice turn of phrase so I’ll take 2pts out of the insanely boring category for this scene.
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