Friday, July 01, 2005


I cross post excerpts from the recap in a lot of places to ensure that everyone knows when it's up. Currently there are about 10 sites that I advertise on and while it draws in a lot of people, it is VERY time consuming.

It would help out tons if you would sign up for the mailing list.

Just email me from the email address you wish to receive the notification from:

I will only email recap/recaplet, and extra notifications. I don't spam or anything evil like that. If there are any questions please comment below, but this helps me out a lot. Thanks to the people who have already signed up and thanks to those who have linked me on their pages!


Monday, June 27, 2005

Don't Need No Hateration in This Sodomy...

I got the following comment from a concerned viewer and I feel that I need to respond about my intentions with this site. First, the comment (Which was in response to the Deb telling Carl she wanted to return to the diner scene):

Ouch. This is harsh. Not meaning to stomp down on your freedom of speach, but QaF is corny and does silly things like that. Cliches galore, but always with a twist. I loved that scene! It make me laugh. It was so Debbie! I honestly can't FATHOM drop kicking Debbie. It sounds so horrible! Debbie is such a wonderful character and she didn't DO anything wrong. She yet again pulls another Independent Woman. She's FABulos.

I honestly can't see how this was insulting OR boring because the whole time WE as audiences KNEW nothing was wrong but liked to see Carl twitch. It was 100% Debbie.

I'm confused by this post and the link that goes into further exploration of QaF. Yes, as a fan you are allowed to point out the show short comings, but I almost feel you aren't a fan at all. You seem more intent on ripping it apart and saying how annoyed you are at so-and-so that I don't think you see the good. QaF isn't so much serious and stoic, but likes to make fun of itself and put all those silly little cliches out there for people to laugh at. Don't take the show so seriously! Just enjoy it for what it's worth! Good Laughs and characters to hold dear to your heart. I'm sorry if I offend. That's NOT my intention. I just wanted more dialouge.

I responded with the following:

Oh sweetie, no offense taken at all!Have you read any of the other recaps? Most of my stuff in there are jokes said with love.

The show is corny and fluffy and it's one of my favorites (otherwise I wouldn't be recapping it!), but it does take itself way too seriously at times.I look at it like that little brother that just can't get right. You love him, and you'll always be there for him, but sometimes he just gets on your last nerve!

That's how I feel about QAF. Please take time to read some of the other recaps, you'll find their filled with honest emotion, both good and bad!

I know I bag on the show a lot, but after four years I think you find a certain form of comfort with it. I feel I can poke fun because I've been with this show since the very beginning, even when I'm being mean, I love the show to death.

If I let everything go, every confusing plot, horrific line, out of character action, I think it would do a disservice to my readers. Because for the most part you've noticed these things too, and for me not to make commentary on them would be saying that I wasn't as invested as I am. The Deb scene for example, on the surface is a very cute and airy scene, but it's one that long term fans knew was coming from the very second we heard Rosie was going to be a guest star. So when I say it was boring, I mean that it was so overwhelmingly predictable! We knew it was going to happen before the writers did!

Now, I'm not saying that I know everything (because Lord knows I don't!), but I like to get people to think about different things, and I love getting other's reactions so I can do the same. It's the reason that I love all of the message boards and journals, because the way you saw something could be the complete and polar opposite from how someone else has viewed it.

Anyhow, that's my spiel. I hope I didn't offend the poster by republishing their comments. It was in not way to embarrass or call out, in fact, I'm glad she asked because it allowed me to touch on a subject that I'm sure others have had issues with.

I hope this answers some questions, and if you have any more, please feel free to ask!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 1

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

I don’t know if maybe the ep started a little early, but we start with Thea Gill (who I thought was Michelle Clunie for two years) telling us to get tested for AIDS/HIV. I always wonder about the differences between the actors that just “act”, and the actors that go out of their way to actually promote the show. Gale and Randy do next to nothing in terms of outside promo for this show. No behind the scenes tours or extras interviews or day-in-the-life-of’s. While you can catch the rest of them (except Michelle, and sometimes Sharon) everywhere! Always travelling and putting in that extra effort. It makes me respect them a little more.

Previously on QAF…
Brian has syphilis, but Justin’s the whore
Hunter’s going back to school, and then he’s not.
JR is sick with an ear infection, but mostly with her parents fighting, “Won’t somebody please stop the fighting, start thinking about ME!”
Ted looks different except you know, he doesn’t
Justin draws Brian with “chancres” all over his face.
Something about Mel getting lawyers involved which doesn’t make sense since that plot has been settled… or has it!?

Credits: Image hosted by

They Like to Move It, Move It. They Like to… Move IT!
We open with a seizure inducing montage filled with boys, body parts, and lots of shaking derrieres! You know what that means… that old Babylon “Thumpa Thumpa”! We zoom in on Emmett and Ted at the bar going down a weekly “do” list of pretty HDGBs Ted's bedded. Wednesday it seems he hooked up with Tyler Durdenganger, and Thursday he hooked up with the hot Latino. Emmett tells Teddy he’s out of control, but forgets to tell him that he’s still shiny and weird looking. Emmett is wearing some shoulder pad looking things around his biceps. I can’t quite figure them out, it’s just so wrong. Ted, on the other hand, looks quite nice in a slightly embellished black shirt. It doesn’t look satin, but it’s some sort of semi shiny material. Good work Ted.

Brian greets our boys with a lovely, “Good evening twats.” Emmett asks him to refrain from making derogatory remarks about women since they represent half of his fan base. Brian asks if any of them are hermaphrodites, and when told no, tells Emmett to go fuck himself. You know what’s funny is that Emmett and Brian are “friends”, but they can’t stand each other. I think they care about each other to the extent that if one was in need they would help, but I don’t think you’ll ever catch these two road tripping alone just for fun. Brian asks if there’s anyone at the club worth doing and it’s Ted’s pleasure to inform him that he’s already done them all. Brian gives Ted a priceless, “Bitch please, you may have booked the week, but I’ve got the whole decade!” look. Emmett asks Ted who his Friday was and he points to some guy he deems to be a “Bossy Bottom”. Justin pops out of nowhere and can’t believe that Bossy Bottom is indeed a bottom. Ted confirms it to be true, and says that BB can sing Natural Woman better than Kelly Clarkson. Well, actually he said Aretha, but just… no. If Hugh Jackman can't outsing Aretha, then I know BB can't. Brian says that Ted should have gagged them first and then fucked them. I wish Brian had taken his own advice with Chatty Cathy a couple of weeks ago. Brian tells “Theodore” he still has lots to learn.

Emmett spots a “hot” guy across the room and asks who it is. I put quotations around hot because this guy is pretty fugly. He has greasy blond hair, and this weird nose and no lips. He looks like a cross between Christian Bale, and Toni Collette. I don’t know if he ever gets a name, and they’re calling him Brandon over at Moldy’s boards, but I think we’ll call him Toni McFugly for now. Toni knows when he’s being watched and turns to give the boys The Look of Homosexual Acknowledgment. Gale Harold has beautiful eyes, I forget sometimes how pretty they are. He’s watching Toni with a hunger that we’ve all come to know and lust. Ted says that he thinks he has Sunday free and begins to strut towards Toni, but gets cock-blocked by Brian who tells him to “count on staying home, trimming your pubes”. Now that’s what I call a Sunday night! Emmett’s face cracks me up as Ted says that he’ll let Brian have this one. Emmett’s like, “okay..”, and Justin is pissed, but he’s funnily pissed on beat. Right before the cut he does this little head bob thing. It’s completely adorable.

Brian follows Toni into The Back Room Of Sex. Before we continue, let’s take a little tour of TBROS. When you first arrive there is a white X on a black wall. I’m guess that’s the whole “X marks the spot” thing which is pretty nifty. There are some guys kissing, and then Brian goes around this wall where we see a guy doing drugs of some sort and then writhing against a wall. It’s funny because he’s being all sexy, but he’s completely alone. Brian rounds another corner where Toni is seducing some kid, and we see two sets of guys boning in the background. There is a loud smack and some groans, then -the part that cracked me up- one of the guys pulls out something and puts it to his mouth. It looks like it’s either a banana or an inhaler, either way it’s hilarious.

Brian cock-blocks again and the guy he does it to just sort of scampers off. Brian and Toni give each other some eyes and I’m sorry, but Toni is FUG! His eyes are really close together and it reminds me of that ep of Family Guy where this construction worker is saying something to Peter. His eyes are really small and close together, and Peter’s all, “I have to draw you!” Heh. Anyhow, they look each other up and down and Brian sexily traces a finger down Toni McFugly’s hott bod (if he had a paper sack he’d be fine) and stops just short of his belt buckle which he tugs at.

I asked my friend Jerrod why one would wear tight jeans with a belt to a sex, drugs, and techno club instead of like, sweatpants which provide easier access. He said the jeans make you look good, and the belt helps you identify your pants at the end of the night. Now that’s just common sense is what it is, those gays think of everything.

Brian puts a finger in Toni McFugly’s pants but Toni says NO! He puts his hand on Brian’s, gives him a look, and walks off. Brian is a little confused, but also a little intrigued.

Oh Mi! Where Ya Ben?
We open with Ben gushing about the gayest comic book cover of the gayest comic ever. Turns out Rage and JT are finally getting married! Y’all, I usually try not to go “there”, but this is gay gay gay gay gay. I couldn't find a pic to post so picture this if you will. Rage still has on his stupid mask and is wearing his stupid rage costume with the tear across the chest. He’s holding JT who’s in all white (yeah right, we all know it should be daaarrrkk brown). There are like 5 bouquets of flowers and a banner at the bottom proclaiming it to be the special wedding issue. I understand that they want to be down for the cause, but that’s the cheesiest thing ever. You might see a Superman/Lois Lane issue like that, but never any bad butt crime fighters like Spiderman/Mary Jane, Batman/Catwoman, or Wolverine and Ororo Storm. At least I hope not. The other thing about this is that Superhero relationships never work out, and there’s always some force of evil that ruins the wedding, you just know Rev. Swineheart is going to hold a rally outside the commitment tent.

Ben asks if the boys are getting married in Toronto, and Michael says they go to the planet of Massachupiter. I don’t know if that’s cute or corny, but I do know it’s triflin. Justin says that unlike Pennsylvanada, gay marriage is legal on Massachupiter. In the world of Gayopolis, how is gay marriage not legal already? Why is there even such a thing as gay marriage not being legal in Rage’s fictional world where he thrives as a homosexual super hero? Ben wants to know where they can buy their rocket ship tickets and zoom off. Well, they did that when they went to Canada so I don’t quite understand that question, but Ben says until then, they can live vicariously through their intrepid superheroes. Michael hopes that 5000, no 10,000 readers agree with him. What are those numbers for? Is that how many copies he’s going to publish? That’s quite a hike, but wishful thinking I guess. Justin helps clear the area and Ben asks if he’s coming to their housewarming. Justin says he wouldn’t miss it and Michael says it’s going to be “a badass blowout!” Yeah, I’m sure it’s going to be a roof raising good time, make sure you invite MontEli!

Ben says they should get started now and him and Michael get to some hot sexy kissing. I wonder what that’s like for Hal. I mean, it’s one thing to be straight and make out with another straight guy, but is it another to be straight and make out with a gay guy? Would it be like making out with a girl? I’ve always wondered about that. I also wonder because MiBen kisses are a hundred times sexier than MiDrDave kisses ever were.

Another little side note, throughout these 4 years, Brian has had only one boyfriend (Justin) but the most sex. Justin has had two (Brian, Ethan), and probably 2nd most. Emmett has had three (George Schickle, Ted Schmidt, and Drew Boyd) and one girlfriend (when he was straight, blechh) and probably ties or surpasses Justin in the sex dept. Michael has had two (Dr. Dave, Ben) and the 4th most sex, while Ted has had two (Blake, and Emmett) and maybe more sex than Michael, but less than Emmett. That really has no importance, but it’s something I was thinking about recently.

Moving on...

Ben and Michael suck face as Justin looks on forlornly. The door opens and Ben sings Hunter’s arrival, “Here his is!” Michael says it’s their wayward son and Hunter ignores him, but gushes over Rage’s “cool cover”. They couldn’t pay me enough to say that crap. Ben asks Hunter where he’s been, Michael says he was supposed to be home by six. Hunter says he was practicing with his debating partner and then gives this, “yep, that’s where I was alright!” nod. Hunter’s wearing a very nice black and white form fitting sweater with these crazy stripes all over it. Justin totally busts Hunter out by saying that whenever he told his parents he was with a debate partner, he was usually getting stoned. Hunter gives him this superb, “you motherfucker, you” look that cracks me up. And really, shut up Justin, we know you’re there, we can see you, you don’t have to make your presence known.

Ben asks when the big event is and Hunter says it’s the next day and it will be in front of the whole school. Yeah, that’s when I knew it was a lie because there’s no way the whole school would show up for a voluntary debate club event. Gosh, I’m not even sure the whole debate club would show up for that. I used to do speech and debate in high school and talk about deserted! The only time we saw people is when we went to nationals and competitions. Anyhoo, Justin goes all Geraldo on Hunter’s ass and asks what the topic is. Hunter says it’s capitol punishment, “I’m all for it, I say fry the motherfuckers.” He looks at Justin the entire time while saying this and Justin gives this, “whatever” sigh. Michael puts his hands on Hunter’s shoulders and says, “Now you see why we’re so proud!” It’s very cute and Justin gives a little laugh. Hunter could so totally beat Justin down.

I love how wonderfully uncomfortable those two are around each other. In the show they’re only 4 years apart, and the next closest person to Justin is Emmett. Let’s see, Ted is 38, Michael and Brian are 34 (they both turned 30 the first season), Emmett has to be at least 32 which still puts him 11 years ahead of Justin. The point is that here you have Hunter who really is being a 17 year old, then you have Justin, who at 17 was in love with a much older man and trying to get him to settle down. He’s always wanted this really adult existence, like he was born in the wrong decade. I can relate to that, but I also try to enjoy my youth. I think Hunter kind of calls Justin on his “I’m so mature” bullshit that he puts out. And for that, I love Hunter. As I said, he’ll do something to mess it up, but for now I love him.

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It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 2

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

Queer Guy on Channel Fabulous 5!
Emmett warns us that his next sequence might be a little frightening and we should send the children out of the room. Then he explores the phenomena that is… the combover. Yecch. Y’all know I hate comb-overs with a passion. There is a guy holding a portrait of a man with a comb-over covering his face so we can’t see him. Emmett tells us that the portrait is of Wallace, and takes it down to show us how much hotter Wally is when he embraces his baldness. Wally looks absolutely perplexed and really, to any men out there, it’s almost always better to go bald. Black men have been doing it for years. Even hair on the sides is nice. Just don’t do it if you have a stupid shaped head or knots all over the place, then it’s time to invest in grafting, or a nice wig. Next week Emmett’s going to tackle home waxing, “and I’m not talking about the kitchen floor!” or is he? Kent Brockman is watching this whole time and loving it. He looks different to me for some reason, maybe he got a little hair cut of his own? Or maybe I don’t care enough about him to remember his looks from shot to shot? Yeah, it’s probably that.

Emmett is wearing a flaxen colored shirt and on the left hand side there is some decorative staining. It looks like a purplish blob that kind of morphs into an orangish blob. He’s wearing a bright orange tie and really, a shirt like that calls for a more subdued tie I think. It’s not very flattering, but for some reason it makes his eyes pop. He tells everyone to BE FABULOUS! and gives a cheesy side smile. Jake Anders and Miri Yamasushi find Emmett to be just adorable and Jake says, “Thanks Queer guy, that’s it for tonight, hopefully we’ll be “hair” tomorrow.” Sigh. The show ends with Miri hoping that all of our news is good news and she and Ken start talking to each other. Knowing them they’re probably talking about how much homosexuals suck and how old people and Asians are so rock on awesome!

Emmett thanks Wallace for his help and Kent Brockman grabs him and tells him he was FABULOUS! He tells Emmett that ratings have gone up 2 pts and while I don’t know what that means, I know that it’s cause for worry for other stations. It seems channel 9 has hired a tranny weather... person. Emmett hopes that he/she can decide if it’s going to be rainy or fair. I would go into the whole plausibility of a local news station ever hiring a transsexual to do the weather but… nah. Kent tells Emmett that his fans will be standing in line to see him at Hoffman’s the next day. Then he hands Emmett a pile of fan mail. Emmett is pleasantly surprised and Kent says that even people that hate fags love Emmett. Now I missed that comment the first time around, but what a crappy thing to say. Emmett just kind of takes it, and I can understand why, but when did the word “fag” become so desensitized that anyone who knows someone gay can say it without pause? I can see now how they used that to set up the Hoffman’s scene that comes a little later. You know with all of this publicity, I wonder when the fact that Emmett was a porn star was come back up and bite him in the butt?

A Poyson Could Develop La Grippe
Carl has brought some nice looking toast and coffee to Deb who’s lying on the couch with a hot water bottle to her stomach. Carl is such a sweet man. He asks if Deb is still hurting, and if she’s been taking the medicine that the doctor prescribed. At first I thought Deb said that the medicine he gave her was like crack, but it turns out she says that Dr. McGrath is a quack, and he should be split and quartered and served with orange sauce. Deb says with all the new diseases coming out who knows what she could have? Well Deb, it says here, the average unmarried female basic'lly insecure, due to some long frustration may react with psychosomatic symptoms difficult to endure, affecting the upper respiratory tract. In other words, just from waiting around, cleaning your belly button of the mold, a person can develop a cold. So it could be that.

Deb thinks it might be mad cow, or that bird disease, in fact, the other day a bird made on her shoulder. She’s going to make sure to tell the new doctor about that, and I’m sure the doctor could use a laugh for the day so I think she should. Carl inquires about the new doctor, and Deb says she’s getting a fourth opinion. Carl says he’s going to call into the station so he can take Deb, but Deb insists that will only make things worse. She doesn’t want to keep him from work since he’s the one that’s paying for all of her office visits and unused medications. Carl agrees quite quickly and Deb tells him to go solve a murder or two. Carl wishes he could solve this and in the most adorable little accent he tells Deb to call him as soon she hears what the doctor says. It’s funny that Carl and Deb are the only one’s that sound like they’re from anywhere near Pittsburgh.

You Better WORK!
Emmett is at the gym handing out pink and yellow gay flyers announcing his appearance the next day at Hoffman’s. On the flyers it says, Channel 5 Queer Guy: live at Hoffman’s. There’s a pic of Em lying on his stomach and hoisted up with his elbows. His legs are kicked in the air and crossed at the ankles, so yeah, pretty gay. Em is so cute. There seems to be two lines of men just standing there waiting to take his flyers. It’s a weird set up. We see Ted in the background lifting weights and wasn’t the whole point of the surgery so he would have to work out anymore? Emmett tells Ted that he finally found his calling and that he thinks God sent him from above to do his bidding. Ted calls him Saint Emmett, patron saint of the fashion impoverished, and fashion deprived. Emmett says Ted can laugh, but there’s something almost holy about helping the thousands of walking disasters in Torontosburgh of which Emmett is 1,254. Seriously, homeboy has some fashion lessons to learn. Emmett points out one guy that doesn’t fit the impoverished bill, and we pan to a hot guy walking in front of them. This dude is the cuteness and familiar not only to me, but also to Ted. Emmett complains that the guy walked right by and didn’t even recognize him, but Ted recognizes him and how!

It seems that during Pride 2002 Ted and this guy hooked up. The day after, Ted sees him at Woody’s and the guy tells him that every Pride he finds some loser guy, “like you, and I give him a break. I give him..huh, I give him me. The fuck of his life. You know, something he can remember, like a souvenir. It’s my way of giving back to the community.” This is all given to us with awesome season 2 footage. I’m really impressed with the show at the moment, I know it won’t last, but I’m enjoying it while I can. We cut back to the present on a seething Ted. Emmett tells him that it happened eons ago and now, thin, gorgeous guys are falling over themselves to be with Ted. Ted says it was the most embarrassing moment of his life. I disagree only because I remember when Ted tried to be Brian and messed it up, or when Ted got high out of his mind and had a tape of him getting gang banged screened during a meth party, or when he was working at the Sing and Eat and all of his friends showed up. I’m just saying, there have been plenty more embarrassing moments. Ted says that after the incident everyone called him, “Aunt Pity Fuck”, and yeah, that’s pretty embarrassing and cruel. You know Brian was probably the one who started it. Gosh, Ted never has luck with one night stands. First he almost gets HIV, then he gets involved with S&M, then he gets addicted to meth, and now this. Poor boy.

Emmett tells him to just let it go, but Ted thinks he should get even. While kudos to Emmett for the maturity call, I’m actually on Ted’s side. I know I have helped my friends enact many a revenge, and they’ve helped me. It’s not the most grown thing to do, but it’s a fun and bonding motion! On another note entirely, Ted has the most lovely lashes! They are spaced just right and they frame his chocolaty browns quite nicely. I noticed this in the extreme closeup that shows he had absolutely nothing done to his face.

Homo Hater High – Life on the Outside
Ben is talking to Michael on the phone and telling him he’s going to stop in to see Hunter debate. You can tell Michael’s all, “Don’t, you’ll embarrass him!” but Ben says that he’ll stay in the back so he can’t be seen. Then he says he’ll take Michael to the store and then take them both to dinner. I don’t really understand the reason for that little bargain, but at the end you can tell Michael’s still ranting and Ben says, “Loooove”, and my heart melts a little. So cute.

Ben gets off the phone and notices Callie’s awful hair. He says hello and reintroduces himself. How long has it been since Callie has seen them? I think I’d remember the two gay parents of my ex-hustler boyfriend, but then again I’m a stickler for details. Ben tells her that he’s there to see Hunter debate and asks where the auditorium is. Callie tells him, but says she doesn’t think there’s a debate since there’s a chorus practice instead. Ben is confused, and Callie asks if Hunter is okay. It seems he hasn’t been in school for the past week, but Ben says he fine and it was probably just a misunderstanding. Sigh, poor Hunter must not have gotten the message that school is cool!

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It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 3

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

Hoffman’s, Now With 95% More Gay!
We open on a fairly nice department store with a huge color display board of Emmett’s Queer Guy flyer. Yeah, it’s exactly what you think. Emmett’s giving fashion advice (God have mercy) to some guy and his wife. There’s a long line of people behind them as it seems Emmett has drawn quite the crowd. He gives Erwin a shirt and tie to go with a jacket he has in his hands. It’s not a horrible combination, but, well, it’s Emmett. Erwin’s wife says she doesn’t mind what he wears, she’s just happy he shaved his head. Now they get freaky deaky uh uh in the bedroom. Emmett says he can’t tell them how much it warms his heart to know he’s keeping heteros horny. Heh. That was cute, except I think what would make them hornier is a copy of one of your online pornos.

Anyhoo, Emmett takes a “tinkle time” break which was not only too much information, but also gay as hell. You know as much as I bag on Emmett’s style, I must admit that he’s doing okay right now. He has on these khaki-ish colored pants (they have more of a green tint to them), and a lovely pink, cream, and khaki-ish striped dress shirt paired with a cranberry/dusty rose tie. Very complimentary. Emmett runs exactly 5 feet and into Linds and Ted. It’s funny because there’s an obvious line of people behind him, and he never goes out of the way to make people think he’s actually taking a break. He’s just hanging out talking to his friends.

Linds tells him that he’s a superstar and gives him a kiss and remarks on how large the crowd is. Ted says it’s second only to when the Stones played Three Rivers stadium and if that’s true then Torontosburgh needs to get some new acts to come through. I wish they would have asked me, Josh Gracin was here on Thursday, I could have sent him over. Ted and Emmett give each other that stupid two-cheek kiss that I can’t stand. It’s just so time consuming, either give me a peck or make out with me, but don’t get lip balm all over my face just to be all stuck up.

Emmett looks up and seems slightly surprised. It turns out Brian has come along for the fun. If this event is between 1-3pm, then we know that this isn’t on their lunch break. So why would the owner and accountant of the most successful ad agency EVER both not be in the office in the middle of a work day? Emmett tells Brian, “You don’t know what it means that you would show up to support me”, I’m just as surprised as he is until Brian opens his big stupid mouth, “Well, I needed socks.” Linds and Ted tell Em not to pay Brian any attention. Ted says that Brian is as proud of Emmett as they are, “Aren’t you?” Brian laughs a little and scoffs, “It’s an honor to count among some of my close and personal friends television’s latest gay eunuch.” Sigh. First of all, oh wait.. there’s more? Okay, go ahead Brian.

Brian: Blah blah blah, bozo the ball-less boob, blah blah blah, long line of losers, blah blah blah.

Well Brian, I think you’re over exaggerating, I mean those are Emmett’s fans. “They adore me!” Emmett seethes. Brian says it’s because Emmett’s so cute and then proceeds to hold up the cutest pic of Emmett ever. It’s a head shot and Emmett is looking off to the right and has his lips pursed and a finger on his chin. And yes, it’s adorable, but not in a defacing way. You see- huh? What Brian? Oh, you’re still not finished? Okay.”

Brian: Blah blah blah, take it up the ass, blah blah.

Huh, well thank you for that insight. Emmett tells Brian that once again he can’t tell him what it means that he’d show up to support Em. Except this time I don’t think he means it quite the same way.

Okay, can I go now? Are you done yet? No? Well too bad, I’m saying my piece now sit down and shut up! First of all, since when does being gay mean that you have to be all about sex all the time? In today’s world “gay” is a culture, and just like any other culture there are different facets to it. If you look at the success of the Fab Five, I don’t think they have made “gay” anything less than what it is. They are just showing a different side of it. Whether it be sassy, cute, or sexy, they all play a part in the bigger picture. When I think of Carson I don’t think of sex. It’s not that I don’t want to think of sexy Carson because he’s gay, it’s that I don’t want to think of sexy Carson because he’s ugly, and does nothing for me in that department. Now give me Kyan and David Beckham on a platter in a dimly lit room for 15 minutes and you’ll have a completely different story (and one hell of a collection of fanfic).

So when Brian is talking about “the sexless gay” he’s talking about his idea of an undesirable homosexual. Because Brian thinks with his dick and nothing else. If you’re not sexy, you’re nothing to him. Yes, Emmett is adorable, but he’s adorable as a person, and not as a homosexual. I know several grating gay people just like I know several wickedly funny straight people and vice versa. The only thing culturally “gay” about Emmett’s act is his flamboyance and flair. It’s something that everyone possesses, but not everyone can actualize it. Basically the point is that Emmett is okay, and SHUT UP Brian!

Brian puts his hand on Emmett’s shoulder and says, “Anytime”. Suddenly, a hand comes out of nowhere and pushes Brian’s hand away. Brian gets a stupid flashback to when Toni McFugly pushed his hand away at Babylon. This was one of the worst flashbacks ever because who does that? Who just goes up to someone you don’t know and pushes their hand away like that? The hand belongs to a lady that tells Emmett that she just loves him and he’s so cute. Emmett says thank you, but is understandably a little embarrassed. This is one of those times I hate the show. We all know what’s going to come up and it’s going to be completely unnecessary and stupid, but mainly it’s going to validate what Brian was saying about Emmett which we know is crap anyway. Le Sigh.

MiBen’s Front Porch (Sorry, I got nothin’!)
MiBen are preparing for their party, it looks like their making those paper bag lanterns that you see every now and again. I learned how to do them from Martha and they’re actually pretty nifty.

“He’s been lying to us?” Ben has told Michael about Hunter not being in school and Michael is not pleased. How did Hunter skip school for a week without the school notifying MiBen? Gosh, they suck on every level! Ben says that there is probably a reason, and when Michael gives him a LOOK, he clarifies that it’s probably not a good reason. Michael thought that Hunter trusted them and told them everything. Ben asks if Michael told Deb everything and Michael says he was on 24 hour surveillance so she knew everything anyway. I must say that there is a slight difference between raising a child from birth, and adopting an ex-prostitute who is also HIV positive. I mean, the assumption is that being two gay parents automatically puts you in the “cool” category, but when those parents pretty much treat you like an adult, then one would surmise that there would be more of an openness present. As we see, that’s not always the case.
Hunter is coming up the walk and Ben tells Michael to try and not let their emotions run amok. Michael says that’s easy for Ben to say since he comes from a long line of repressed alcoholics. Ha! That’s hilarious, and probably the first time we’ve ever heard anything about Ben’s family. Am I right about that? Also, I noticed that Ben isn’t exactly the catch he’s made out to be. He’s a seemingly unemployed “writer”/professor, who’s HIV positive, was once hooked on steroids, and comes from a long line of repressed alcoholics. And he’s a Buddhist vegetarian (which I refuse to believe is only a minus in my book). Baby boy is really lucky he’s gorgeous, that’s all I have to say about that.

Hunter comes and apologizes for being late. He begins to tell that what this week’s debate topic is, but Michael instantly guesses “Secrets and Lies”. Ben gives him this fun “I thought we talked about this?!” look, and I love that Michael did that because it’s so in tune with his character. Hunter’s confused until Michael informs him that they know he hasn’t been to school all week. Hunter goes inside and Ben looks at Michael and says, “Better.” The weird thing is I know that statement was in context, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was referencing.
Hunter wants them to leave him alone and says that he told them he doesn’t want to talk about it. Which, no he didn’t, he told them he was going to debate club. Michael says they have to talk about it and Ben follows that they want to help him. Hunter gets all goth and says, “You can’t help me, no one can help me, it’s too late.” Whatever Hunter, if Edward Scissorhands can have a life, then so can you. That may be a stupid thing to say, but when you really think about it, whose life is worse than his? I do like that Hunter’s all ornery though, he really plays the perfect 17 year old. It’s that time in life where you think that 20 is older than sin and since you are close to 20, then you are just so grown and mature. Then 22 comes to knock you on your butt, but until then there’s 5 years of being a general prick to society. Good times.

Michael says it’s never too late and Ben says that he knows it’s been a tough few weeks. Hunter says to try years and sweetie I understand your pain, but you’re literally preaching to the choir as far as that house is concerned. Ben has had HIV for at least 7 years. He does have the luxury of being beautiful, but I’m sure that if you work hard, and eat your Wheaties, you’ll be on your way in no time! They are walking around the house in this scene and I honestly do not get the set up. It’s like the study merges with the kitchen that looks out into some miscellaneous room. It’s just this weird space of walls and sectionals. It’s a freakin labyrinth. Hunter says that he can’t go back to school and I’m guessing it’s because it takes too long to get out of the house.

Hunter says that everyone stares at him like he’s a piece of shit and when they do, that’s how he feels. Michael tells him that he’s not a piece of shit, and that he’s a “brave, smart, funny wonderful person” and since Hunter’s feeling down I’ll let that slide. Ben interjects that Hunter is their son and Michael says that they love him. This is all very heart warming and Harris Allen is doing a great job. He’s kind of looking down because he’s embarrassed and you know he wants to smile, but one thing I know about kids at that age is they will focus on the negative until it becomes a part of them and puts them back in their funky moods. Ben kind of messes up and tells Hunter that they know what he’s going through to which he replies that they have no idea. The thing is that there’s someone out there who does. Why don’t they take Hunter to the gay youth hospice and introduce him to others that are sharing in his problems? Though to be perfectly honest, Hunter is going through what every ethnic group, fattie, weirdo, and gay person goes through their entire lives. People look at me like crap all the time, but you either suck it up, or you put a little Shug Avery pee in their water, and sometimes, just sometimes, you do a little of both.

How Much Woody’s Could A Woodchuck, Chuck?
Justin and Brian are at the bar and Justin is trying to decide what to get Ben and Michael for their housewarming EXTRAVAGANZA! Justin suggests a barbecue grill or some fireplace tools. Brian says that if Justin doesn’t stop talking about the gift he’s going to burn the fucking place down. Way to Left-Eye your frustrations buddy. Brian is really drunk in this scene and I’m very proud of the fact that I knew that. I used to think that I had no idea what drunk people really acted like, but I realized that I only know what drunk people act like, because I only know alcoholics. It’s a bittersweet part of my life.

Justin asks Brian what his problem is. “I have no problems,” he says, “I am problem-less. A problem free zone.” Justin has obviously dealt with a drunk or two and tells Brian to help him pick out a gift. Brian puts his hand over his eyes and points to something random in the catalog that Justin is browsing. It turns out to be a hands-free toilet that senses you are there and automatically flushes. That’s actually pretty awesome, but I don’t know what I would think if my friends bought me a new toilet. Brian says there goes $300 down the crapper and I would like to interject that if Brian is willing to drop $300 on a housewarming gift, then he can come to any party I throw. I mean, the invitation was already extended after the sling incident, but now it’s concrete, he can just come over if he wants.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Justin demands, but Brian says, “No”. Justin decides not to pry and suddenly we see Toni McFugly: Stalker come in. This guy is totally stalking Brian and I have much more to say about that, and I will… but not yet. Brian eyes Toni and again I have to say how beautiful Brian’s eyes are. It seems noticeable when he’s looking up, or has his eyes wide open, they’re very nice. Brian cracks me up when he goes, “Tsk, anyways…” Ha! It’s such a girl thing to do. Has that ever happened to you? You’re out with your friends and all of a sudden one of them is all, “pshht, whatever” and when you look around to see what the heck she’s talking about, you see her looking at her ex-boyfriend? Man, your groups aren’t any fun at all!

He does that thing where he wants you to keep asking what’s wrong, but doesn’t want to actively volunteer the information. He tells Justin, “you wouldn’t understand.” Justin says he’ll show Brian his SAT scores. Justin would brag about something like that. Brian says Justin’s too young and Justin asks, “compared to who?” “Compared to whom?” Brian corrects gratingly. God if they don’t get to the point. Brian tells Justin in as many as 10 words that the “hot” guy he went after turned him away. Well, he never gets around to actually saying that, but you know that’s what happened. Justin gives him the sad puppy dog face and tells him that it it’s any comfort, “You’re still the hottest guy in [Torontosburgh], now help me pick out a gift.” I love Justin’s nonchalance to this revelation. You can tell that not only does he not care, but he really doesn’t want to hear about it. I can see that, no matter how open your relationship is, I don’t think you want to hear about all the sordid details. Especially if it’s what you didn’t get.
Brian says he’s not going to the fucking party, and when Justin asks why, he says, “I’m going to a fucking party.” That was actually a nice turn of phrase so I’ll take 2pts out of the insanely boring category for this scene.

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It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 4

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

Deb’s Bordeaux of Boredom
Deb comes downstairs wearing her bathrobe and hears sounds of pain coming from the kitchen. She takes a look and sees Carl with his elbows on the island in front of him, and Emmett behind him telling him to, “Take it like a man!” This is just gross. It’s cute in a silly sort of way, but still gross. Deb is relieved to hear that Carl hasn’t switched teams as it turns out Carl is just helping Emmett test out his back waxing skills. Carl says he’s had enough, but Emmett protests he’s only half waxed. Carl says if Em goes any farther he’ll be half assed! Ha! Carl’s getting some good lines in this ep. Well, actually, that was pretty much it, but it’s more than he usually gets. Emmett asks Deb if she’d like a “landing strip” and Deb responds, “I’d like to keep the whole airport.” Heh.

Deb goes on to say that she’s burning up. Emmett asks if she has a temp but Deb says no. He asks what her doctor said, and Deb replies, “He says I’m dying… of perfect health. Wise ass.” Ha! That’s hilarious. I hate it when people try to be all cutesy with me in areas that I don’t want to joke about. I would tell you this joke my gyno told me during my last exam, but it irritated me so much that I’ve forgotten most of it. Just know that it ended with me laughing fakely and mumbling, “Jerk” under my breath. Anyhow, Deb takes out a pint of icecream to cool herself down, but ends up eating it instead.

Emmett takes this time to ask Deb is she finds him attractive and sexy. “Keeping in mind that I’m a heterosexual woman of a certain age, and you’re as queer as they come… fuck yeah.” You know the other day I was listening to O by Omarion and getting all misty (both places) and then realized that this dude is still a teenager. I’m only 24, and I felt very, very dirty, but hot is hott at any age. Not that I’ll be joining the female chapter of NAMBLA anytime soon, I’m just sayin’. Emmett’s pleased with Deb’s response because Brian said the only reason people like the Queer Guy is, “because I’m non-threatening, sexless, a eunuch.” Deb rightly questions what the hell Brian knows, but Emmett says he knows quite a bit. Except that he doesn’t. Brian thinks of Emmett as a eunuch (which, who’s to say he really thinks that? He was probably just trying to get Em riled up for shits and giggles) only because he’s not attracted to Emmett, and doesn’t really like him. So there you go. I think the only platonic friend Brian has is Michael, and I really hesitate to put Linds in that category since they used to date (and I think slept together?). Deb tells Em that he has sex more than anyone she knows, and not to be selfish, she adds “except her and Carl. Let’s face it honey, most viewers don’t want to think about gay men having sex.” Doesn’t QAF realize that that’s the only thing that attracted 85.34% of their male audience, and 102.5% of their female audience? The rest came for Hal Sparks. It’s a fact!

Deb goes on to say, “the thought of two guys kissin’, much less taking it up the ass makes them uncomfortable.” Which, for a news station could be true, but that goes with anyone. Lord knows I don’t want to think about Miri Yamasushi and Johnny Memphis getting it on. Emmett points out that Brian said that too. “Well you know something, it’s time they got over it.” Oh God, we know this is going somewhere bad right? Again, I can understand QAF wanting to be down with the cause, and it would be acceptable on a half hour, or hour-long program. But Emmett has only 5 minutes, like 3 times a week that he does this spot. This is ridiculous!

Revenge at the Gym
Ted sees Pity Fucker going for an exercise machine and jumps in to use it before him. Pity Fucker notices this infraction, but is placated when Ted asks for a spot. These weights are huge and I don’t know who Ted is trying to impress, but it looks like he’s going to get crushed in the process. Pity Fucker introduces himself as Troy, and Ted introduces himself. You know, this incident only happened 3 years ago, I wonder why Ted wouldn’t give an alias? It’s of no consequence because Troy doesn’t seem to remember Ted at all, or does he? “Hey, I know you from somewhere.” Ted seems a little nervous until Troy continues, “South Beach right? We hooked up.” Ted is relieved and says he’s never been there. Troy asks if he’s like to, and Ted says, “Go to South Beach?”, but Troy says, “Hook up.” Well that’s direct, but Troy’s hot enough to get away with it. After a long pause, Ted gives a little smile and says, “Sure.” Well alrighty then.

I Wanna Put You on a Plate, and Sop You Up With a Biscuit!
Brian is wearing a lovely pinstripe suit and having lunch with a new client. It’s a blondish woman who’s name we never get so we’ll call her Angela Bower. She’s saying that there was a study conducted that said by the age of 35 women are all but invisible to men. And what study is that? I’m guessing it was conducted by the He-Man Woman Haters division of QAF’s We Hate Heteros branch. Brian guesses that Angela wants to make women visible again. Angela continues, “Our new anti-aging cream offers hope, more confidence, and less wrinkles. All we need is a brilliant campaign and a perfect product name.” Brian looks a little perplexed by this. I don’t think he’s ever handled a woman’s account before which is sad considering how WILDLY successful Kinetic has been. Brian is sure he can come up with something, and Angela gushes about how “you men are so damn lucky that you never have to worry about such things.” Right, tell it to Ted lady. This woman is such a hater! Behind her we see Toni McFugly at another table. Why doesn’t Brian realize he’s being stalked? Toni’s staring at Brian rather creepily and looking rather Patrick Bateman-ish. Brian is all distracted, but tells Angela to not be so sure that men have it easier. Suddenly he gets an epiphany and says, “Visible. That’s the name of your new product.” “Visible, I like that.” Angela says. Well of course you like it, you’ve only said it 15 times during this scene. Toni McFugly gets up to use the restroom, and Brian excuses himself and quickly follows.

Bathrooms of Piss and Passion
First of all, let me say that this is the most gorgeous men’s bathroom I’ve ever seen. It has those fabulous bowls as sinks that I LOVE and the funnest red plexi-glass walls surrounding the urinals. I want to say that it’s either the one we saw in the very first season (which may have been at Brian’s office), or it’s very reminiscent of it. If it’s reminiscent on purpose, I might have to give the show a subtle point. Because we know that one of Brian’s sexiest scene’s is when he pulled a client into a stall and just went make out crazy on him, so we’d expect the same thing here.

Toni McFugly is standing at the middle urinal and Brian goes to the one on the right, then on the left. Him and Toni exchange sex eyes. Toni looks a whole lot better with his hair back. He’s wearing a gray suit with a cornflower blue shirt. He’s still fug, but definitely less fug. Toni zips up and then leaves Brian smiling. It’s a very long odd moment, like you can tell Brian is perplexed. I don’t think he knows if he’s been dissed or hit on. I feel your confusion baby!

The Diner Soon to be Known As Deb’s Again (oh we all knew it was coming!)
We open with Deb holding the adorable, but irritatingly named JR. “Aren’t you glad your asshole parents worked through their shit? Yes, because now Gramma can hold you without one of them thinking I’m a goddamn traitor.” Yeah Deb, because the whole custody of JR thing was all about you. Jerk. Melanie laughs and tells Deb she sure knows how to sweet-talk a baby. Deb says she’s just glad it all worked out, but Mel says, “We’ll see.” Oh Lord please let that story line be over and done with! But knowing the show… sigh. There’s a new waitress at the diner in the form of a tranny named KiKi. Don’t even get me started. Some queen asks where his check is and Kiki hilariously replies, “I already grew tits, you want me to grow another hand?” Heh, I’m so using that from now on.

Mel says that things aren’t quite the same since Deb left. Because evidently there were no such things as unsatisfied customers when Deb worked there. She never got complaints of cold food, and piss poor service and that side of attitude she insists on adding free with each meal. You see when Deb was working at the diner, gay marriage and adoption became fully legalized, Bush disappeared from office, and Michael took his place. The war ended in Iraq and it was in fact Bo who won American Idol. All these things and more fell into place when Deb worked together, and since she’s quit, it hasn’t been the same. Except, you know, when Rosietta was working there… moving on.

Deb’s been feeling really bad lately, she says that she could barely muster up enough strength to come out today. Mel asks if Deb has been to see a doctor and Deb says five of them and they’ve all said that nothing is wrong. Suddenly there are lots of mean requests thrown at our Kiki who finally just cannot cope anymore! “I’m a tranny on the edge of a nervous breakdown!” S/he screams. Might I just interject that Kiki makes the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen? Thank you. Deb gets up and comes to the rescue by delivering orders, tickets, and cream. She’s frickin wonder woman and suddenly order is restored in the diner; you just know she’ll milk Kiki for the tips! Mel sees this display and is impressed. She thinks she knows what Deb’s problem is. “BFM.” Deb thinks it sound serious, I think it sounds like initials. Deb asks what it is and Mel gives a little smile, “Bored out of your Fucking Mind!” She could have added a “syndrome” on the end for kicks, but you know. Deb contemplates this and knows that Melanie is right. If Deb is so bored, why doesn’t she volunteer, she has a frickin’ AIDS hospice in her brother’s name, why not there. There are so many other things she could be doing with her time besides socializing and making money for herself. Whatever Deb, whatever show!

Channel 5: Disaster Ho, I mean, Queer Guy!
I hate this scene so much. I tried to watch it with sound, but to no avail. Finally I just turned on the closed captioning so if some of the dialog is off, I apologize. Emmett is trying to be sexy and getting on my god dang nerves. I’ve never disliked Emmett, but this seems to go against everything he is. I mean, even the most outrageous things make a modicum of sense if you understand Em’s character, but this is just ridiculous. Emmett, aka Fetch Dixon, who jacked off for an internet porn site, doesn’t think he’s sexy? Emmett has a pair of gross boxers and says that they are not in style anymore. Well not those Em, but there are still some sexy boxers out there. I prefer a boxer brief on a man myself, but it’s a personal taste. He pulls out a pair of briefs that will be sure to cause some friction. Y’all, you know what I’m going to say right? Gay gay gay gay gay! The briefs are teal blue and seem to be a couple of sizes to small for Emmett. They have a full bottom, but the front is contoured to hold just one thing, well, one thing, and two little things.

“These will show off your nice, tight assets. Notice the pouch on the front, you could stuff a sock in there if you needed the help, or a hamster if you’d like.” I don’t know if rodents + genitalia = fun, but whatever floats your boat. I will say that Emmett looks FABU is in this scene. He’s wearing chocolate brown slacks with a matching tie and cotton candy pink shirt. He has the cutest leather tie pin that’s in the shape of a flower. So adorable. Emmett informs his viewing audience that he certainly doesn’t need the calvary to come to his rescue for his cup is filled to the brim. I thought Emmett said he was a grower and not a shower, but whatev. Besides, not only is that statement gross, but it’s alienating all of his “short tort” fans out there. During this Kent Brockman is sipping from a bottle of water rather nonchalantly so you can’t really tell when he became upset. He says that the whole rimming thing is another topic that he’ll get to, just not tonight. “I’m your Channel 5 Queer Guy, be fabulous.”

When Emmett says this he gives a little wink and if you pause it just right, it looks like he’s either having a fit, or doing the bomb imitation of the wicked witch of the west. It makes the scene easier to watch.

Jake Anders and Asian reporter Miri Yamasushi are at a loss for words. Jake finally says, “thanks for the brief report.” They go out on commercial and Kent Brockman rushes up to Emmett furiously. “I thought you were going to talk about hair waxing?” Emmett says that while hair waxing is vital, it’s not sexy. “Sexy? Who wants sexy?” Kent asks. Emmett tries to joke by saying, “[Kent Brockman], you’ve only been married a few weeks and already you can make a statement like that, you may need counseling!” Kent is not having it though, “and you may need unemployment insurance.” Doesn’t Kent realize that Emmett has another job on the side that more than likely pays more than this, and in fact, is the way he met Emmett in the first place? He does? Oh, he was going for the effect? Okay, I’m with you now Kent baby!

Emmett is confused, but Kent tells him to never show his shorts again. Emmett insists it’s just underwear, but if that were the case, you wouldn't have shown them so stop making excuses Em. I’ve never been this upset with you and I was with you went you went straight so it’s time to own up buddy!

Kent says that he wants Em’s undies kept off air, and that the public doesn’t need to know Em has a tight… “Ass?” Em answers indignantly. Kent Brockman looks uncomfortably at Jake Anders and Miri Yamasushi. Jake Anders does this hilarious, “I’m not with him!” shrug and him and Miri Yamasushi scatter off. Kent goes on to say that we also don’t need to know that Em has a big… “Dick!?” or that Em likes to… “FUCK?! Well here’s news for you, I do!”

Kent Brockman (who will return to being Don in future recaps) tells Em, “well from now on, stick to cooking and flowers, and turning straight guys into metrosexuals. And leave your sex life off screen!” He walks off and yells at someone to get “McGregor” on the phone. Well, I think Ewan’s kind of busy these days, and knowing him his whole segment would be filled with nothing but dick shots and glitter so I don’t know if that’s a step in the right direction. I mean, I know I’d watch, but it might not be for everyone. Emmett is not pleased.

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It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 5

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on Fire!
Justin and Brian are walking up the steps to MiBen’s housewarming party. And boy is it on! The paper bag lanterns are set up on the porch rails and look very nice. Justin tells Brian he can stay for at least an hour, but Brian says he’s just there to make a special guest appearance. Justin is wearing his awesome white jacket again, but it’s starting to look a little dingy. If you’re going to kill something for fashion (which I’m totally for), then at least have the decency to keep it clean. Brian on the other hand is wearing a GORGEOUS cocoa brown leather jacket. It has embellished stitching on the front and it is to die for. Justin says that Brian should stay for Michael, but Brian says that Michael should understand the most. “The first rule of a sex party is don’t come late, or you may not come at all.” I wonder what Brian would gift at a sex party. Knowing his backwards butt he’d probably take a coffee table book, or an appliance. Justin, looking rather elvish in his side profile, tells Brian that it certainly gives new meaning to, “the early bird catches the worm.” And indeed, it does.

Michael answers the door and Justin gives him the gift. Michael asks if it’s a harness and paddle to go with the sling. See, I told you once they set it up they would love it! Justin says (unfortunately) no, he picked out the gift this time. They all go inside and again, I can’t tell if Gale is really tall, or if Randy and Hal are really short. We get some interior shots and yay, MontEli are there. Yawn, I can barely control my enthusiasm, someone break out the Twister. Eli is telling Ben that he and Michael did a great job on the house. Ben says they’re not done yet, but Eli (always the optimist) says that they’re never done, just like he never SHUTS UP! Ben says that all it takes is time, and Eli adds, “and money”. Gee, thanks mood killer. Ben says, “Tell me about it”, then you can tell he’s sick of this conversation so he points the video camera at them and changes the subject, “Okay, say something for posterity.” Heh.

MontEli are about to say something, but Deb runs in front of the camera cussing about the lack of food. In the first sign of actually personality MontEli start to crack up. Hey, don’t be trying to make me like you guys you hear!? Deb gives some stupid speech about happiness, and sunbeams, and cute little puppy dogs and then goes to join Carl. It’s funny because MontEli never give their message, they just walk away, even funnier is the fact that Ben never asks them again. Ha Ha! Deb tells Carl that the gays have really fixed up this neighborhood. It used to be nothing but whore houses and bookie joints. Carl says he knows since he used to be there all the time… “when I was a beat cop.” Oh Carl, you sly dog! The doorbell rings and Michael runs to answer it. It’s weird though because he seems to run past where the door was before and to the other side of the living room. Okay? I told you this house was stupid.

It turns out to be Mel and JR. Mel has on a lovely jacket. It’s black and kind of in a fireman’s jacket style. It has a big collar with a tan stripe, and brown and tan stripes across the chest and at the cuffs. Mel thanks Michael for inviting her, “even though… you know” Michael says, “well, we’re still family aren’t we?” and I like that a lot. It definitely explains his change of mood with Brian. Mel smiles and says, “Happy New House!” which is just adorable. Michael asks if he can show off JR and takes her inside to a bunch of aweing homosexuals. JR really is a sweetie pie. Precious baby. We pan from the living room to Hunter looking all pissy on the stairs, and then to Ted and Emmett walking down the stairs.

“First I’m gong to give him the fucking of his life, then I’m going to give him the mind fucking of his life. Once I was your pity fuck, but tonight you’re mine you arrogant asshole!” Ted explains to Em, Em looks up and says, “Speaking of which…” And there’s Brian. Heh. “Aren’t you two aunties going to go ooh and ahh over the baby?” he asks to no reply. I might add that Emmett is back to looking horrible. I don’t even know what he’s wearing so I’m not even going to try and explain it. Brian informs Em that he caught his underpants (UNDAPANTS!) on the news last night, “You saving your dick for sweeps?” Heh, sorry Em, but that’s what you get for listening to Brian, when are you going to learn that it’s never about you babe? Emmett lies and says that his producer thought it was a terrific segment, “he said it was about time we saw gays as full, sexualized human beings. Not just stereotypical eunuchs and clowns.” He kind of peters off at the end because he realizes that he’s just repeating what Brian said to him. Brian looks like he’s about to say, “Oh?”, but instead goes for a yawn. HA! That’s hilarious, and yet another thing I’m going to add to my repertoire of “doings”. Emmett tries to save face and dismisses himself.

We pan to Linds who has been chatting in the background as she sees Mel at the food table. She either says, “Our daughter’s a hit”, or “Your daughter’s a hit”, but I can’t tell and CC ain’t helping. Mel says that she agrees. Linds is glad that Mel came to which Mel replies, “hmm, for no other reason than I’m starving.” Nice Mel, I didn’t see you come in with a gift did I? Linds says that it reminds her of their housewarming. Mel says, “if anyone needs proof that that toilets are controlled by cosmic forces.” Linds adds, “Why else would they break down 10 minutes before the guests showed up?"

“A hundred dykes peeing in the backyard.”
“Bushes in the bushes!” Mel and Linds smile at each other and start to laugh. What’s that smell? It smells like, reconciliation!

Side note: I wish I knew a hundred people to invite to a housewarming, I wouldn’t ever have to buy a thing.

MiBen call for a toast in the living room.”Welcome to our new home, we look forward to sharing many happy family occasions here.” Ben adds, “we also have another reason to celebrate tonight.” They open a box and pull out the Rage wedding issue. “Rage and JT are getting married!” Sigh. Eli says it’s about time they settled down, and I’m sorry, but have MontEli known about Rage the entire time? Have they ever read an issue? Monte asks when Rage and JT start raising their super family, and Michael says that’s next. Monte is just so frickin exciteable. I can just imagine him telling his friends he got this part. “Yeah you guys, I’m going to be the fourth black person with a recurring role on the show. I get lines in 5 episodes! Power to the people, power to the people!” Aww, that’s so cute. Now that I made up his little persona, I’m kinda in love with him. Oh Monte, power to the people indeed.

Michael hands Brian one and asks if he likes it. Brian says it reminds him of a Norman Rockwell he saw in a doctor’s office when he was a kid. Justin is in the background looking very uncomfortable. “A little girl and boy dressed up as bride and groom… and an adorable little puppy tugging at the bride’s wedding gown. Just then, the nurse came in and stabbed me in the finger for blood.” I hate that Brian never really talks in complete sentences, it’s always this weird string of comments and phrases. Michael says that because of that incident Brian has had an aversion to marriage ever since. Michael doesn’t care about that though, he cares about the Rage comic, “Well I happen to think it’s a damn good story. Just because it doesn’t agree with your anti family values is no reason to dump on it!” Brian says, ”okay”, throws the comic down and leaves. Heh. Brian’s on it with the jerky reactions tonight. They pan up from Justins legs up to his face. He looks not pleased, but surprisingly hot. He's got a great set of legs.

Deb wants the whole family to do a video. At first I thought that they would forget about Hunter, but Michael tells Ben to get him while he gets JR. Ben hey pal’s Hunter and asks if he want to come join them for a family video. Hunter asks what they want him there for and runs upstairs. Sigh.

We Don’t Need No Water Let the Mother Effer Burn!
We open on a dark warehouse to the sounds of fucking and sucking and bears, oh my! Brian is on a platform of some sort getting a blow job and we see who I originally thought was Toni McFugly, but ends up being Random McSexer with his shirt off looking at Brian. What the holy mother of God? IS Brian on a frickin’ lift!? Ha! That’s so sad, he’s getting a blowjob, on a lift?! Hee! Wow, anyhow, he lowers the lift and makes his way over to Random McSexer who is more than happy to oblige. That is until Toni McFugly comes in. Is this guy new in town? How is he getting all of these insta-invites? Why is he stalking Brian? You know Justin probably hired him to knock Brian off of his thrown. He reminds me a little of Chris Hardwick (remember Singled Out? Good times) and that makes me sad for Chris. Toni’s back to looking horrible again, but I will give him props for his awesome leather jacket. It’s black with a slim red and white stripe that starts at the zipper just below the shoulder blade, and runs down the sleeve. I think it has red lining, but that might just be part of the zipper; it’s pretty awesome regardless. Toni McFugly still looks a hot mess in the face department, but apparently I’m the only who thinks so since Random McSexster ditches Brian saying, “a better offer comes along…”

He goes to sex up Toni who puts his arms up like he’s the king of the world. Brian is pissed and again with the beautiful eyes. Maybe that’s when his eyes are most gorgeous, when he’s embarrassed or confused? Toni gives him the Patrick Bateman meets Constantine stare of utter creepiness. You know, in order for me to completely buy this turn of events for Brian, I’m going to need more of a back-story on Toni. The old Brian wouldn’t have cared about all of this, which says a lot about the way Brian has changed. It’s something to think about when watching these scenes, that way you won’t die of total boredom.

Michael’s Comic Book Store: All Gay all the Time
We see a large poster board advertising Rage’s special wedding issue. Michael sells one for $5.50 and gushes about another satisfied customer. “You say that after ever sale” Justin points out. “I do?” Michael asks. Justin confirms this and Michael says he’s just excited. They’ve sold 536 copies of the issue on the website and and 200 in the store. “Everyone loves that JT got his man.” Justin looks a little sad, “Yeah, everyone but you know who.” Michael does know who, “What did you expect?” It’s interesting to me that Michael has never been a huge Justin lover. In all these years I don’t recall him ever helping Brian and Justin be together. Correct me if I’m wrong about that. It’s also intriguing because at first I think Michael was jealous, but now he has Ben and is still unwilling to help Justin out with Brian. I think that Michael knows Brian, but instead of really challenging him, he accepts him as he is. Justin however, wants a relationship with a man who’s anti-relationship so on some levels he challenges Brian so he can change into what Justin wants him to be. It’s a very interesting dynamic.

Justin says that he expected life to imitate art, “I’ve heard it’s been known to happen. How could I have been suckered into my own fanasy, talk about pathetic. Nobody on earth knows as well as I do that unlesss he were genetically altered in some nuclear mishap, that could never happen.” After this little spiel he gives Michael this, “right? Right?” look and it breaks my heart. Michael softens a little and says that it’s not a bad story. Justin says it’s only a story. A kid comes in and proclaims the Rage issue to be “totally awesome!” and buys one. Justin says to himself, “another satisfied customer.” Aww, poor baby.

MiBen’s Warm and Toasty Abode
“Well I think the house has been officially warmed wouldn’t you say?” Ben comes out and sees Hunter on porch, and he is in a mood. Ben tries some more to make conversation, “great party huh? Everyone seemed to have a good time.” Hunter finally responds, “Yeah, if you call Melanie and Lindsay declaring a cease fire, Brian leaving to go to a sex party, and you and Michael sticking that fucking camera in my face pretending we’re this happy family, having a good time.” Sounds like a good time to me, but Hunter is not having it. Instead of telling Hunter to shut his stupid mouth, Ben insists that they’re not pretending, they are happy. There’s a long pause that works in this shot and Ben finally says, “You’re going to get through this.” I know this is supposed to be a sweet sentimental moment, and really it is, but Ben is wearing a red shirt, and his blue eyes are popping out of the tv and into my crotch and I can’t ignore that. Sorry.

Ben says he promises. Hunter says, “Fuck your false hope.” How very Shakespeare meets Tarantino… “the worlds a stinking shit hole.” Ben doesn’t know what to say so he goes with, “I don’t think Sartre could have said it any better.” Hunter doesn’t know who that is and Ben gives him this odd look that I can’t define with words. I know what it means, but can’t articulate it. Huh. There’s another great pause, and Ben tells Hunter he found a great charter school for him, “they have a waiting list a mile long but one of the professors in my department pulled some strings…” Is this a professor at his “job”? So basically Hunter will be home-schooled right? Hunter asks why they should even bother, “They’ll just find out there too and then it will start all over again.” And while that may be true, this time Hunter will know how to deal with it. Hunter’s about to cry and it’s killing me, “so what’s the point of my going to another fucking school!?” Hunter grabs trash and takes it to the curb.

Ben’s reaction is really grating to me. I know he wants to be the loving patient parent, but there’s got to be a time that you set your foot down, because overall Hunter is just a kid. He has no idea what lies down the road for him, but you do. I think Ben’s new-agey way of parenting neglects that fact that he is a parent for a reason. It’s not just financial security, but to help your young one figure out how to deal with life. I’m not saying he needs to be a tyrant, but a happy medium would be nice.

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It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 6

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

Guess Who’s Back?
This scene was not only boring, but it was insulting as well. Basically, Debbie tells Carl that she figured out what was wrong with her. Carl adorably freaks out and tells her that whatever it is he’ll stand by her side and he’s in it for the long haul. He grabs her hand, and she tells him that it’s not a physical thing. He heaves a sigh of relief and asks Deb what it is. Carl has the craziest accent here, he sounds like a Newsie. Deb tells Carl she’s bored and wants to go back to work, she can’t stand sitting around, eating ice cream, and buying a bunch of stuff she doesn’t need. Carl says that that’s how a woman of leisure should live, but manages to not look like a sexist pig by quickly adding that he doesn’t want her to have to work hard anymore. Deb says to her it didn’t seem like work and Carl mentions her dislike of long hours and sore feet. Deb tells him that to her, “It was a dance, and I was the prima ballerina.” Carl hastens to clarify that The Liberty Diner isn’t exactly the Ballet of Torontosburgh, and I agree, but then again what is?

Carl says he was trying to make it easier on her, but whatever makes her happy is fine with him. Deb smiles and gets up and says, “Good, because my shift started 5 minutes ago!” She takes off her coat to reveal her work uniform underneath. Her and Carl laugh and laugh.

I would have dropped kicked her.

Ted’s Red Romper Room
Ted’s bedroom is intense. He’s plowing Troy of Torontosburgh and looking like he’s having a conniption fit in the process. I’ve noticed that TV people always cum at the same time which I am told is so not how it really is. Oh well, Ted cums and just strands Troy on the bed as he goes to the bathroom to throw away the condom. He has the cutest little booty in the world! We see Ted has kept a little of his kink from the S&M incident and has tied Troy to the headboard. Nice.
“That was hott.” Troy says as he catches his breath. “Think so?” Ted asks. Troy says he’s been there before. Again, Ted is a little worried until Troy says that he’s been in that building before. “I fucked some poor loser… one of my pity fucks.” And why? For the love of God, why would you say that to someone who lives in the same building. And why can he remember all of these things about his pity fuck, but not who it was? Sigh. Ted is noticeably uncomfortable during all of this, but I notice that his pecs are starting to become really defined. Ted starts to say his piece to Troy, but Troy cuts in, “You know, when we first hooked up at the gym… I wasn’t so sure.” Ted wonders if he wasn’t Troy’s type, and Troy goes on to say he wasn’t sure Ted would be so hot. “but man are you ever… look, I’m still hard… you up for another round?” Ted wants to say something to Troy, but again Troy cuts him off, “you wanna roll me over and fuck me again?” but that’s not quite it, what is it Ted? We’re all listening.

“What I wanna, uh what I want to say to you is, uhh, well… roll over.” Very nicely said old boy, I think given the situation I would have emitted the same response. Troy is also pleased and channels the Kool-Aid man saying, “Oh, Yeah!” He flips over on his stomach and clenches his banging ass a couple of times in anticipation. Heh, that’s cute.

Sloppy Joe’s, and Even Sloppier Good-byes
Ben is chopping veggies while Michael is browning meat for what looks to be taco night at the Novotny-Bruckner household. Ben has told Michael about Hunter’s lack of desire to return to school. He tells Michael that they can’t force him to go, but Michael says of course they can since they’re his parents. Ben says that you can leave school at 16, and if they pressure him they’ll only push him away more. You know, the more I think about it, the more this Ben seems odd to me. Where’s the Ben that used to yell at Hunter every other day about far less? The, “James Hunter Montgomery Novotny-Bruckner you will do as I say!” and “over my dead body!” Ben? That’s the Ben I loved (in regards to Hunter). Michael says he’s got to finish school so he can go to college, “and become a doctor and a lawyer, and president of the United States!” or he could become an unemployed professor or gay comic book store owner/graphic pornographer, really they’re all good choices.

Ben offers up some sexy kisses, and man, I need a husband like that. I wouldn’t mind being told to shut up if it were done with kisses. Michael asks, “what was that for?” Ben says it’s because Michael’s, “the eternal optimist, that’s why I love you. Now let’s just give him some time and some space and hopefully he’ll come to the right decision.” Nope, sorry Ben looks like you’re wrong because Hunter’s on the stairs with his messenger bag in tow.

It turns out the men are having Manwiches. MiBen are setting the table with all sorts plates and dishes and this confuses me because my mom used to make me get my own sloppy joe’s out of the pan. And darned if there were any side dishes except chips or fries. Those gays can make any meal presentable! Ben asks Hunter if he’s going somewhere and Hunter says, “Yeah.” Ben tells him to eat first and not to be out too late. Hunter says he means he’s leaving, for good. MiBen want to know what Hunter means so he simply says, “I can’t stay here, okay?” Michael is not having it. I like how he’s kind of freaked out, but wants to hold onto control of the situation. “No, it’s not okay, uh, now put your things away and sit down and eat, and afterwards we’ll discuss this.” Hunter says that they’ve already discussed this and that there’s nothing left to say, and that’s true except they haven’t discussed this, and there’s a whole lot more to say. So I guess, it’s not really the truth, as much as it is… a lie. Yeah.

Michael says that Hunter’s not going anywhere and that’s final! Ben tries to calm Michael, but Michael will not be silenced, “He can’t just leave, we’re his parents for chrissakes! Whether he likes it or not we’re his legal guardians, what we say goes!” Ben kind of ignores Michael and tells Hunter that nothing will be solved by running away. Hunter gets all Holden Caufield on our collective asses, and informs why he’s leaving, “I don’t belong here! I don’t belong in this house, I don’t belong at that school, and I don’t belong with YOU!” Ben says of course Hunter belongs with them, but Hunter insists that he’ll only go on causing them problems, “embarrassing you.” You know this is the perfect example of how people will create any excuses to get out of a situation. Really Ben and Michael couldn’t be more proud of Hunter, but Hunter is still insecure with his relatively new illness, and then add on the pressure of just being 17, and you’ve got a fireball of angst there. I feel for the kid, but I also know that he’s in a really positive situation if he’d just take time to look at it that way. Ben says that Hunter doesn’t embarrass them, and they’re proud of him. Michael says that this is not the debate team, “there’s no argument here except do you want applesauce or peaches.” I am on the side of peaches, but I know many who would fight to the death over applesauce, it’s a serious thing people, wars have been started over less.

Hunter walks off, but Michael runs and grabs him, “I don’t care if I have to lock you in your fucking room!”, and whoa there Mikey! Actually I would have probably done a lot worse. I love Michael’s frustration here, and I hate Ben’s hateration. Ben gives Michael this look of disgust which he seriously needs to reel back. For goodness sakes this is your SON! Ben asks where Hunter will go and Hunter says he doesn’t know. He asks if Hunter has money and Hunter says just the money MiBen gave him for his birthday. Michael is beyond aggravated, “No plan, no money, perfect! How do you plan to support yourself?” Hunter says he’ll find a way and Michael bets he will. That has got to be the scariest part of this, knowing that the only legitimate skills Hunter has is as a dealer and prostitute, and debater. Hunter tries to leave again, but Ben calls him back. You know, I’m not sure if it’s written to be this way, but any real kid that kept stopping like that is just asking to be stalled. I don’t think Hunter really wants to leave, I think he wants to know that he can stay regardless of any circumstances. That he has a home. I think Ben is on the side of treating him like an adult when all Hunter wants is to be a kid. Does that make sense?

Ben pulls out his wallet and gives Hunter some money. He tells him to call if he needs more. Michael wants to know what Ben’s doing, but Ben is ignoring him. Hunter gives back his key and there’s no way I would have let that happen. He would have had an imprint of the key in his left butt cheek before I let him give it back. He turns to leave, but Michael caves and calls him back one last time. He gives him some money and tells him to put it in his shoe where it will be safe. You know through all of this, I wonder why they didn’t offer to get him a hotel for the evening, or fix him a to-go plate for the road. Something to stall. Besides, the appetites are killed so that food’s just going to waste anyway. Hunter finally leaves and Michael’s about to cry. Don’t hold back baby, I’m already there.

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It's The Oldest, Establish, Permanent, Floating... QAF Recap 506 06-19-05 Page 7

crap game in Torontosburgh
by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 506 Aired 6-19-05

Rage: The Fire Within
Brian is trying on one of 15 gorgeous black shirts and asks Justin if the current one is hot or not. Justin says it’s hot, but has not looked up from his computer screen on which I guess is airing internet porn since he’s so transfixed. Justin does tell Brian that they sold out every copy of the marriage issue and have orders for 300 more. Brian comments that, “if not having balls is what it takes to be a gay super hero these days, I’d warn Rage to get the hell out of gayopolis.” Says the the man who almost lost his balls to cancer and syphillis.

Justin tells Brian that maybe if he diin't stay out all night fucking he wouldn't be so cranky. Brian asks who said he was fucking and Justin says, "You? I'm sure there must have been someone." This leads me to believe that Justin hasn't been getting any and really that should be the first rule of a polygamous relationship. I cum first, then you can go after your other little boy toys.

Brian confirms that there was someone, but somebody else got him. Justin's happy that finally there's some competition and now I'm totally on the Justin hired Toni boat. It's probably not true, but it's fun to think about! Brian doesn't think that Justin gets it, and Justin says, "what? That someone rejected you? Got the prime piece of meat? It happens to everyone." Brian is trying on another shirt and looking in the mirror, "One little gesture, easily overlooked, but the meaning is clear, it has started... it has begun." and unless they're going into battle, I'm going to need him to calm down. He asks Justin to critique his current shirt, "How about this?"

Justin doesn't answer about the shirt, but does have this to say, "You know, when I was in LA fucking around, it was fun and all, but when I came back here, and you said the offer still stands and to put my stuff in the drawer? I was hoping it meant we were finally going to be a real couple, like Michael and Ben. One day we might have the things that they have. A house, maybe even a family." Brian is watching Justin the entire time and finally says, "How's this?" while asking about another shirt. Justin doesn't reply, but Brian looks at himself closely in the mirror, "Hott."

Wow, is this the end of JustBri? We'll see next week when,

Justin seems to carry on the tradition of leaving with just one bag as he slams the door to Brian's loft shut.

Brian is yelling at Mikey about how he is not, and Mikey's yelling back that they all know!

Toni McFugly proclaims himself to be the new hottest guy in Torontosburgh prompting me to wish Brian would beat him down just one good time.

Ted realizes that while revenge is sweet, lust is sweeter.

Linds decides to move back in with the family that never accepted her. She either tells her mom that, "I'm a lesbian mother", or "I'm a lesbian, Mother" either way mom thought that was all over.

Before we leave I have a question. In the ratings, QAF always says TV:MA: DSL. What does the D stand for? Shoutout to the person who tels me!

ps. Additional shout-out to paddies over at Live Journal for hooking up my Ben icon! Yay!

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So this time it wasn't celebrities, as much as it is drunk, junkie Mexicans and the women they abuse. Looong story, and yet, the recap should still be on schedule!


Uhh, so yeah, the drunk, junkie mexican incident turned into the almost dead drunk, junkie mexican that shoved my manager and fought with two of the 10 cops that showed up at my place of work. After dealing with numerous noise complaints, and one particularly witchy woman who insisted that I, myself go and quiet down one of the 15 men that were in this room, I of course ran out of time to get the recap posted.

I'm going to proof read and all of that this morning, and promise you a recap by noon today!

Thanks so much for your patience!

Update 2!

The recap is going up now!

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