Monday, July 18, 2005

So That’s What They Call A Family: QAF Recap 508 07-03-05 Page 1

Aren’t you glad you ain’t that way?
By StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 508 Aired 07-03-05

The break up that launched a thousand gasps and tears was heard around the world as Justin and Brian decided to call it quits.
Brian and Michael’s relationship enters into a despairingly irreparable state as Brian painfully accuses Michael of infecting Justin with domesticity.
Proposition 14 becomes the most hard hitting, dangerously unrealistic piece of legislation ever and succeeds in getting on my last frickin nerve.
Brandon still looks weird and sounds all Canadian and tries to take Brian’s throne as hottest guy by challenging him to a bone-off. Yeah, it’s as gay as it sounds.

Credits: 1-2-3-4-5-6 Shake it Dude! I normally don’t have the CC on during the credits so for the longest time I thought they were saying, "Can we pause to begin?" which I LOVED! Like, how artsy-fartsy of them, right? Well my dear readers, the line is in fact, "Cue the pulse to begin." and while that’s nice. It’s not as great. I’m still trying to find other focus points in the credits. Someone alerted me to the awesomeness of watching the last shot of Brian walking away as if he were doing the final catwalk on ANTM. And while that is most certainly awesome, it’s no Get It Ben! Maybe next week.

Let The Gay Begin!
Would you like to come inside-side-side?
are the opening lyrics to the ongoing Briandon Bone Off. Ahh, nice job music department. We run through the list of Torontosburgh’s hottest guys

Ten Hottest Guys
Max Dunn
Anthony Penn
Pancho Mansfield
Jason Pitt
Alex Easley
Simon Matthews
Blayne Ross (I’m sorry, Blayne?)
Marc Hughes
Jeremy Laforest
Matthew Benoit

I would like to say that almost none of these guys are hott which makes me think that Briandon should either move, or dial back the entitlement a little. Because being the hottest guy there just basically means you don’t look like butt crack. Anyhow, Brian and Brandon are at Woody’s (well, I assume it’s Woody’s, since it’s the only gay bar in town). Brandon hands his list to Brian and it seems as though Brandon has completed six encounters. Brian’s impressed, but Brandon says it was just a modest effort. Brian also has six and when Brandon asks if they can be verified, Brian tells him (sarcastically? I really wouldn’t put it past this show) that he has signed affidavits. "So it appears we’re neck and neck." (Brandon has been called Scruffy Jesus by the awesome Elliot, and now that he’s wearing this Batman/black leather/motocross jacket, I now agree on a totally different level. If this storyline weren’t so asinine, I know for a fact that Christian Bale would have agreed to do it.)

Brian elaborates that they are indeed neck and neck, and "Dick and dick." Brandon takes this mindblowing exchange even farther by saying, "Equal", but perhaps that was a bit too far for our Brian. "Even, Brandon. But never, never equal." When he says this, Brian looks so old. I notice that Brandon’s not looking like death, and I don’t think I like that development. Brandon takes Brian’s comments in stride as a young Johnny Galecki looking mother fella walks in, "Ahh, but not for long, my number seven just walked in." Our Brian is not one to get easily deterred and sees not only his number seven, but also his number eight, "I don’t believe there are any stipulations regarding more than one at a time?" That Brian, he’s so resourceful. You got to admire that in a man.

The Apartment Poltergeist Happened To
Justin and Michael carrying a mattress into Justin’s crappy loft. You know, Emmett worked part time retail in a clothing store and could afford to split an apartment with Michael who worked at the Big Q. That was a pretty spacious 2 bedroom apartment and I refuse to believe that it could set Justin back anymore than renting this dump. After Mikey and Justin bring the mattress upstairs Mikey asks where the bathroom is. "There isn’t one." Justin answers. I thought there was a community bathroom down the hall? Do I need to go to Torontosburgh Pennsylvanada and rob Justin just so he’ll move? Mikey then asks where the kitchen is so he can get a drink of water, but Justin informs him there is no kitchen, but he’s got a nice rusted out "sink" in the corner Michael can use. I really need to know how much this is costing Justin, frickin’ homeless people have higher standards of living than this. Mikey just shakes his head and tells Justin that in addition to a sink, he’ll also have a bed once they drag the rest of it up – wait for it – 18 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!! What the crap is that? How do you build 18 flights without an elevator? Snacktastic said the only way he would go up 19 flights of stairs is if he were staying for the weekend, and that makes him a much better friend than me. If there are more than 10 flights in the building you can FORGET IT! And even then you better live on the first floor.

Justin thanks Michael for the loan and Michael tells him not to bother returning the bed. "I doubt we’ll be needing it." There is a little awkward silence which is really sad for me. Justin breaks it by saying as soon as he decorates he’ll have MiBen over for Louis Coutures? I have no idea what that is, but Mikey loves them! Is this something you learn when you receive your Gay Guide to Fabulousity upon initiation? Or am I just an uncultured ragamuffin? Mikey says that first Justin needs to buy a dining table, and chairs (and a sofa, and while he’s at it a better apartment, and a better standard of living). "Is it worth mentioning a stove?" Justin shakes his head. Michael tells Justin to call him if he needs anything, but Justin assures him he’s done enough. Michael gives a little laugh and pulls his next comment out of his butt, "Yeah, I’m sure Brian would agree with you." Uhh, okay, because we were totally talking about him. Someone mentioned how odd it is that Michael and Justin are friends and I agree. It’s an odd development that makes sense in a non-realistic way. "He blames me for infecting you with all kinds of heretical ideas like marriage and monogamy and house and kids. He wants me burned at the stake."

Justin is quick to take down Brian, "You had nothing to do it! Blah blah blah, things I wanted. Blah blah blah, could never have." And normally I would be a little more sympathetic to Justin, but homeboy’s only 21! Even if he can’t change Brian’s mind in the next 20 years he still has a crapload of life left to live you know? He could get his own little Anna Nicole if he wanted. I don’t know, this season makes me hate Justin. Justin apologizes if he ruined Michael and Brian’s friendship, but Michael says Brian did that himself. They head downstairs to get the box spring.

Stalking You, is Easy Cause You’re Beautiful
Emmett is on the phone with an unidentified caller, "I know you’re there, I can hear your sinus condition!" I love how he says this a little nasally. I might also mention that Emmett looks really good right now wearing tan cords and a white, pink, fuchsia, yellow, and tan striped dress shirt. He hangs up the phone and Deb asks if it’s another crank call. Emmett tells her it’s the 5th time this week and Carl walks in and inquires as to what the two are talking about. Emmett says it’s nothing, but Deb (who’s making Carl a yummy lookin’ sammich) tells Emmett that since Carl’s a detective he should know. The background action is really cute in this scene. Carl asks Deb, "Sweetheart, could you put a little more roast beef on there, and ar maybe another tomata?" I love his accent, it’s so Archie Bunker meets tolerance. After Em tells Carl about the calls, he insists it’s probably a wrong number. Deb, level headed woman that she is, agrees and drops the subject. Ha! You didn’t believe that for a second did you? "or a STALKER!" Now that’s the Deb we know, "Well he is on TV, you hear about it all the time! Some crazed lunatic falls madly in love with a celebrity and wants to marry him," She takes this time to brandish a knife Angelina-style, "or slices him up!" Emmett is slightly perplexed by this new revelation, "Stalker? (confused) Stalker? (intrigued) Stalker?! (freaked out) Oh my god what should I do? Hire a bodyguard?" I hear Kevin Costner is available (ooh burn!), and with him you can act out your inner DIVA! Deb suggests a new alarm system and her and Emmett get to planning their new panic room complete with a button that connects directly to the police. I think they mean a "telephone", or maybe a med alert cord?

Carl wisely puts a kibosh on all of this tomfoolery, "I am the police. You don’t need a button. You do are jumpin’ to conclusions. If it is a stalka he’s probly hahmless. Hell, he’s afraid to even talk to ya. Just keep an eye out, you’ll be a’ight." Ahh, everything Carl says should be accompanied with a nudge under the chin and a little sock on the arm. I suddenly have an urge to take my dog and go to the old fishing hole, or to the soda shop for a selzer. Deb doesn’t like Carl’s advice and takes away his sandwich! Then she encourages Emmett to take her advice, "You get yourself one of those pepper sprays so you can blast the bastard, then you take one of those karate classes so you can kick him right in the fucking balls!" Then she gives Emmett Carl’s sandwich which he takes and leaves! Ha! That’s so messed up, they do Carl so wrong, but don’t worry Carl. Deb may have taken your roast beef, but she’s going to want your baloney later tonight!

MeLinds Mans
Linds brings in some tea for Mel who’s furiously surfing the internet, not quickly, just really angrily. She tells Linds to check out a listing she has pulled up. Linds wonders if it’s for some sort of vases on eBay and I would tell you what kind except when Closed Captioning isn’t sure of something, they just flash it on the screen for a second. It’s like a little fart and I can’t pause it. It’s very odd. Anyhow, it turns out not to be vases at all, but a list of contributors to prop 14. Linds takes a look at the heavily populated list, "It’s hard to believe that there are that many people that donate millions of dollars just to keep us from having the same rights as they do." You know, maybe that’s why I’m not an active hater, because I can’t give money to something worthwhile much less something that’s going to hold others back. It pays to be cheap sometimes. Mel decides to take action and plans to go to the LGTB center to volunteer. Linds says that she’ll pick up Gus from daycare. I like this because Linds cares about prop 14, but she cares more about getting Melanie to know that she cares since this is something Melanie is passionate about. There are a few sparks that fly, but they are interrupted by a ring at the door.
It turns out to be Mikey who is picking JR up for Gymboree. Gymboree is one of the cutest things in the world. Don’t you wish all gyms were like that? You could just play around and then take a nap if you wanted, have a little snack? I think I may be on to something! Actually the idea of baby gym is a little sick and twisted, but… baby! Awwww. Michael announces he’s there to pick up his little Honey Bun (aaawwww) and Mel runs upstairs to get her. Before she goes she hands her tea to Linds telling her it has the perfect combination of cream and honey, as usual. Linds smiles widely and says thank you! She’s about to drop to one knee and propose, but Mel takes her leave leaving Linds blushing like a school girl. They seem to be back on their way to reconcilliation, oh God please don’t jinx it Mikey! "If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you two were back to normal." Noooo!! Now they’ll never get back together! Unless we can get Mikey to throw a surprise together again party. That might work in it’s own little backwards way.
Linds tells him that she and Melanie have decided to try and in-house separation which is what I said they should have done from the very beginning. She says they both live in the house with Mel on the 2nd floor and Linds in the attic. They’ll share chores and childcare, but otherwise live totally separate lives. You know that may have worked for Jack and Meg White, but for some reason I don’t think it’s going to work too well here. Michael says that he can’t imagine going through that with Ben and I like that Michael assumes that the only way him and Ben would break up would be under the most horrific of circumstances. It’s very extreme and true to his character. Linds insists it’s not as difficult as it sounds once you get the system up and running, "In fact, I’d say it’s working rather well." She gives the old invisible wink, wink, nudge, nudge. I wouldn’t get too suggestive Linds, Michael might take that the wrong way, I’m not foreshadowing I don’t think, it’s just a general caution.

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A Beautiful Thing: QAF Recap 509 07-10-05 Page 2

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

Spreading the Message: Mormon Style!

Ben is giving instructions to the Prop 14 committee on how to canvass the neighborhoods. He tells them that there may be a lot of opposition, but to, “be courteous, get the point across succinctly, and whatever happens, do not engage.” What an odd choice of words, I bet that Ben spent some time in the army. In the Navy specifically. He probably enlisted after he got married the first time to Mary Angela Flannigan of the New Jersey South shore Flannigans. She was a fast girl who chewed gum, spit chew and could give you a hummer like no other. He (his name at the time was Danny Bonaducci, an unfortunate coincidence, but more on the change later) was a goody two shoes who excelled in class, but was itching to test out his bad side. They met one day at the local drive-in that was still in business even 25 years after the drive-in craze faded out where all the cool kids met to make out. They soon became best friends.

It was the day that they consummated their relationship that Ben realized he was gay, but Mary Angela got knocked up so he decided that marrying her would be the easiest solution. Unfortunately Mary Angela lost the baby (which fueled Ben’s lust for children), and Ben realized he was stuck in a marriage with a Catholic girl who didn’t believe in divorce. So he enlisted in the Navy and one day while out to sea there was a huge explosion that killed several and left Ben with a nasty case of selective amnesia. He was reported dead, and when he came to, they local natives called him Bahn Barruckna which means Teh Hottness in their native language. With a few modifications this became Ben Bruckner and he moved unwittingly to Torontosburgh where he thinks he grew up. No one has actually met his family and only knows them through Ben’s convoluted stories.

Now that’s a backstory!

Anyhow, Deb clarifies that what Ben is trying to say is to not lose their fucking tempers or shoot off their big mouths. Everyone gets a kick out of the funny old lady using profanity and break up to begin going door to door. I will mention that there is a very pretty black girl in the mix, and there is a black guy with one of those shearling coats on that I covet and love. He looks very sleek and while I’m not fond of the black leather gloves, or the black hat he has them accompanied with, I think it’s a good look for him overall. Ted tells Mel that he hopes no one comes out swinging what with all the loot he just spent on his face. Mel gives him the necessary compliment he was fishing for and adds that he must be getting a lot of compliments. Ted says that he’s getting more than compliments (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), and Mel gives this incredulous look that’s supposed to read, “oh Teddy!”, but is actually more, “Yeah right, you same looking freak!” Ted says that something is missing and Melanie postulates that it could be a hubster missing from Ted’s life. Ted says he needs a boyfriend first, but his standards are ridiculously high. I’m sure that Gay Church boy, Blake, Drug Dealer, or any of Ted’s other boyfriends would disagree. He says he wants someone with a face and body like Brad Pitt (who doesn’t? I think straight men want someone like Brad Pitt) and who is just hung. Mel “jokes” that Ted’s wishes are absurd, and what he needs is a good Jewish man who is apparently good husband material. Because if anyone would know it would be Mel. Sigh.

Deb and Ben are at a house and an older gentleman opens the door. They start their spiel and tell him they would like a minute of his time to talk about Prop 14. The man slams the door in their face and it would seem that he was anti-gay/pro-nazi, but since they never say what side they’re on, I think that he is just sick and tired of politics. Deb and Ben leave and Deb says that it won’t be easy, but at least it gets Ben out of the house. Ben tells her that Michael said the same thing and that it will help take his mind off of “Hunner”. Deb says to give it time, but Ben says that it will take a lifetime to forget about him. God do I have to give the show another Shut Up!? Because seriously, WE.GET.IT! He misses “Hunner”, a lot. He’ll never be able to forget him which nobody has asked him todo. They just want him to stop acting like the universe is against him. Deb gives his cheek a little pat and we go to see how Justin and Jennifer are fairing. An older gentlemen has come to the door. He’s fairly harmless and seems to be quite polite so therefore he must have a handicap of some sort. Jennifer tells him they’d like to talk to him about prop 14 and Justin stresses that it’s important that he vote no. He goes on to say that if the law passes, many gays and lesbians would lose their rights. Jen piles that as a result, senior citizens could lose their social security, and women could lose the right to abortions. Sigh, yeah, and black people could lose their right to vote and women could lose their right to drive and Nicolas Cage could lose his hair… uh ohh! I hate this plotline sooo much! So anyhow, to make a long annoying scene short; man is very agreeable, but his daughter comes to the door and tells us man hasn’t voted in 10 years because he has Alzheimer’s. There, that’s your lesson, the only time that straight people aren’t the devil is if they have a debilitating disease. Thanks QAF.

Got a Better Ad Campaign?

Ted enters Brian’s office as Brian is wrapping up a call to Feldman. Brian’s promising to load Feldman up on martinis to persuade him to go along with an ad campaign. As he hands up he explains that Feldman is losing his hard on for the Home Station campaign. Okay y’all, let me explain this add to you. There are a line of men one black the rest white I think. They’re standing in this warehouse and they are all naked except for yellow hard hats and I think black rubber boots? Then they are holding this long plank of wood in front of their privates and standing to the side. I cannot tell you what this is for, all I know is that it is wack! You remember those playing cards that used to have naked men on them, but it was like, 70s porn-stache naked men? That’s what these guys look like. Don’t front like you don’t know what I’m talking about! Ted admits that the campaign is a bit suggestive, but Brian says it’s a bit genius. I think it’s a bit stupid, but I’m not the one in the big comfy chair now am I?

They leave the office and Ted invites Brian to Beth Immanuel’s mixer. At first Brian thinks it’s a chick’s house, but Ted says it’s a temple that’s having a gay men’s get together at Woody’s.

Okay. Umm, now I don’t know too much about Jewish people, but isn’t homosexuality frowned upon? What I mostly hate about the gay Jewish night is that Torontosburgh evidently has the highest percentage of gays per capita (2nd only to Lincoln, Ne) in the world, including but not limited to: gay Jews, gay pro-football players, gay clergy, and gay senators, but they still have a problem defeating Prop 14? Whatever show!

Teddy explains he wants to meet a mensche (sp? MS Spell Checks says: Menace or Mince) and get a husband. Brian laments that he’s the only fag that doesn’t want to walk down the aisle. Ted tells us that he’s not getting any younger and he’ll be 35 this year. Brian thankfully corrects him and says 39. Ted is flabbergasted, but Brian says, “I’m your employer! There’s a paper trail.” Ha! And he uses inflection y’all! It’s completely adorable. Brian suggests inviting Justin since he’s in the market for a hubster. Ted backs off, but Brian says that though there are many certainties in life, the one that remains constant is the he will never be Mrs. Seymour Goldfarb. So basically by the next ep he’ll be Mrs. Seymour Goldfarb. I wouldn’t go outside in Torontosburgh anytime soon, it seems to be raining anvils.

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A Beautiful Thing: QAF Recap 509 07-10-05 Page 3

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

Here’s to You Mrs. Taylor

Justin and Jen are done canvassing, but Justin is sad that they couldn’t convince more people. Jen says the important thing is that they keep trying. We hear a motorcycle come near and Jen’s face lights up at the sight of it. A dashing young stud pulls off his helmet and shakes his golden locks before throwing Jen a little, “Hey, am I late?”. Jen is all giggles and ponytails until she notices that Justin is still there and flabbergasted. “Who’s that?” Justin asks, but Jen ignores him and tells him that she’ll talk to him later. She grabs a helmet and puts it on and jumps on the back of the stud’s hog. She yells to Justin to keep up the good work before driving off in the sunset and leaving Justin to eat their dust. This was such a lovely scene.

MeLinds In Mans Mix-up

Mel and Linds are working on their respective uhh workloads, and noticing their papers are intermixing. There’s a lot of, “Do you have-?”, and “How did that get there?” going on and it’s very cute and sweet. Linds shoots Mel a look while reminiscing about the good old days, and Mel almost catches it, but is blocked by Justin’s artwork. Heh. Mel asks what it is and Linds tells her it’s Justin’s piece for the art show. Mel says it’s beautiful and it’s too bad she’ll have to miss it since she has a date with Paula Bunyan, I mean, Corinne. Linds says pshaw and tells Mel to bring Corinne. Mel correctly identifies this as being awkward, but Linds stupidly insists. I know she’s trying to act like it’s okay so that Mel will see her as being reasonable and what not, but Linds babe, have some dignity! Oh wait, I forgot which show I was watching, carry on.

The Even Uglier Swan

Drew is staring out the window at Deb’s house. I assume he’s living there now though I have no idea why. Emmett is folding something and asks Deb about the end product. Deb gushes that it’s one of the cutest giraffes she’s ever seen! Too bad it’s a swan. Heh. Emmett says it’s for his next Queer Eye segment and I thought the purpose of the QE segment was to teach straight men gay things. But what happens when the gays don’t know? I guess then you go to the women huh? Drew complains that a tabloid (The World Now is apparently the most accurate and well read tabloid in all the land) that photoshopped his face to make it look like he was in Babylon. I wish I could find a screencap of this picture because it’s so fake it’s ridiculous. Like there’s this little itty bitty body, and this huge Drew head with no neck. Drew says he’s never even been to Babylon and okay, but that’s not really the point is it babe? Deb recounts a tale of the same mag putting Liza’s head on the body of a 400lb woman and then saying she was too fat to get out of bed. The fact that this paper is still writing about Liza Minelli proves that it’s the worst source of legitimate new ever. Emmett agrees and says that Drew can’t let that crap get to him. Then Emmett stupidly says that it was all stop when Drew comes out. Yeah, as soon as that happens people will forget all about Drew, he’ll be able to walk the streets again with no questions about his sexuality! Idiot. Deb is happy to learn that Drew is coming out and asks him when he plans to do it. Drew says he hasn’t decided yet, and Deb suggests doing it on Larry King since that’s what she would do, but reiterates that whatever he chooses is his choice. Emmett agrees that it has to be on Drew’s own terms. Drew spills a little sauce on himself and Deb takes a napkin and wipes off his chin. Emmett tells her that was his swan and Deb says it was a giraffe and to try again. I don’t know why Deb is trying to make me like her this episode, but it’s working.

Now, this scene would have been perfect but then Emmett starts in with how he’s got some nerve sitting there, “like some fucking eunuch, making animals out of napkins… and I’m telling you how to be out and proud.” Grrr, I didn’t want to do it, I really didn’t, but here goes… Ssshhuuuuttttt UUUPPPPP!!!!!

I’m sorry I had to do that, but it felt good to get out.

Calling the Kettle Anna Nicole

Jen and Justin are in The Loft in God’s Blindspot where Justin is working on some art for the show, and Jen is trying to explain her new suitor. “It’s a funny story,” She begins, Justin insists that he’s up for a laugh. Jen says that she was dropping Molly off at school and got a flat along the way. A man dressed in black (insert inappropriate Johnny Cash joke here) asked her if she needed help and she accepted even though she took a class in auto maintenance after Craig left. She says that she said yes because she was on her way to an open house and didn’t want to show up looking like a grease monkey, but I think it’s because she was horny and old boy is kind of on the pretty side. It turns out that Tuck teaches 8th grade science at Molly’s school. Wow, Tuck with a job, I guess he had to get over Winnie sometime. Justin sarcastically says that his sides are splitting from laughter. I wonder if his lungs are splitting from paint fumes since he works and lives in the same place. Isn’t that even more dangerous?

Tuck asked Jennifer if she wanted to go for coffee sometime and Justin asks if his parents aren’t concerned that it will stunt his growth. Jen gives him a long hard look and asks if he wants to hear the story or not. He gives her the okay and she says she figured what the hell? “It beats sitting at home reading How To Get Through a Divorce.” and while I agree, hasn’t it been like 3 years? Jen says the rest is history, Justin says that for Tuck it’s modern and for his mother it’s ancient. You know, I would never get away with talking to my mom like this, in fact, my mom saw this scene with me and smacked me just because. “Just in case you ever get any ideas!” she tells me. So not only is Justin being a hypocritical little brat, but he’s causing me to get abused! I don’t want to hate him, but he’s making it very hard.

Jen correctly assumes that Justin doesn’t approve. Justin says he supposes that a woman of Jen’s age is entitled to a little fling provided it’s discreet. How old is Jen? Even if she waited until she was 30 to have Justin that still puts her under the 50 mark, it’s not like it’s Angela Lansbury hooking up with Jesse McCartney (see, you forgot about him already didn’t you?), or even worse, Brian hooking up with Justin. Jen lets Justin know that it’s just slightly more than a fling. In fact, they’ve been together for six months. Ha! Now while I’m completely on Jen’s side for this whole thing that was rather messed up. I guess Tuck got over Winnie faster than I thought. She tells him that she didn’t want to say anything until she knew it was serious. Justin says that she is most definitely not serious and that Tuck is 1/3rd her age! Well now we see why Justin didn’t make it in regular school since that would make Jennifer 75, or Tuck just under 17, which was how old Justin was when Brian deflowered him! Justin says regardless, he’s still young enough to be her son. She says she doesn’t want to hear it, especially from Justin and takes her leave.

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A Beautiful Thing: QAF Recap 509 07-10-05 Page 4

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

Tuna Pot Pie

Brian is listening to jazz and smoking a joint when he hears a series of knocks at the door. He’s looking at a photo album and I’m thinking that it’s of him and Michael, but I’m not sure. If it is, it’s a nice touch. He slides open his door and sees Deb holding a casserole dish. She asks if he’s alone and he nods saying that it’s one of those rare unexpected moments. She walks in prompting Brian to say, “So much for the moment.” She notices his listening choices and asks if it’s Thelonious. Brian doesn’t answer, but instead asks if it’s tuna macaroni casserole in her hands. Deb says, “You got it!”, but Brian shakes his head and says, “don’t want it.” Heh, poor Deb, I would eat her tuna casserole. Tuna casserole is one of those things that just sounds gross until you really want it. Apparently for Brian, tuna casserole means that he and Deb are going to get stoned and have a meaningful conversation. For me tuna casserole means that I’ll have wicked gas. Yeah. Brian says that unfortunately he just smoked his last joint, but the ever resourceful Deb says she brought one with her. Why is this a ritual between them? What other combinations have sparked all night feelings fests? Poppers and macaroni and cheese? Quaaludes and chili? Crack cocaine and green bean casserole? Huh, it would make for one hell of a Thanksgiving I guess. Deb goes over and shuts the door as Brian hands her a light. He asks if the detective knows that Deb’s a giggling pothead, and Deb says that nothing kills a relationship faster than full disclosure, then CC says that Brian asks, “Can I smell that?”, but that makes no sense at all. Sorry Uncle Jerrod’sUncle , but I’m going to need you to do better.

After they’ve smoked a little pot and ate a little tuna Deb tells Brian that she doesn’t like how he’s been treating Mikey. Brian tells her to butt the fuck out, but if we know Deb, and I think we do, she has no use for the definition of butting out. She tells Brian that he’s been on Mikey’s case ever since he and Ben bought their house. Brian says it’s more than just the house, it’s that they bought every piece of bullshit the straight world has to offer. He says this much more Brianly, but that’s the gist of it. Deb says that Mikey fell in love and now he’s getting everything he always wanted as a kid including a normal home. Brian laughs and even Deb gets a kick out of Ben and Michael’s situation being deemed “normal”, but her point still stands. She asks Brian why he has a problem with that, and answers herself, “You don’t. Your problem is, he left you.” Deb goes on to say that even though it seems that way, Michael really didn’t leave Brian. “Just because you two made different choices doesn’t mean you don’t still love each other.” Brian tells Deb that Michael won’t talk to him, “then you go talk to him,” she says. Well done Deb.

While I agree completely with Deb’s sentiment, I think there’s more to Brian’s conflict. I call it the Avril Levigne phenomena. She came out all killer rocker and punk and cool, but a lot of people forgot she was only 16 when she really hit the scene. So she grew up and started singing about love and heartbreak and her songs took an interesting turn creatively and everyone started to call her a poser. The thing is that we only knew her as one thing so when she kind of changed, it was very hard to accept. My point is that I think Brian has become so much the poster boy for his current lifestyle, that he’s afraid to change lest it misrepresent him, or his situation. Like, if he decided that he wanted to get married and have kids, he wouldn’t be Brian Kinney anymore, and there would be no one to take his place, so he pretends to not want those things. Does that make sense? Last night was grilled cheese and horse tranquilizer night at the Keys household so who knows what’s coming out of my mouth.


Melanie and Michael are walking down Liberty Ave talking about Nazis and Jews and gay people. You know, I want to recap this scene, I really do, but common sense won’t let me. I’ll just sum up and say that Mel had an Zaideh (grandfather) that died at the age 87 while the rest of his family died in camps because they ignored the signs of the Holocaust. Point? If Prop 14 passes all gay people will die. The end.

I will mention that Mel decides to hail a cab and it’s odd because this cab has been sitting there forever. She throws out an arm and then turns back to talk to say goodbye to Michael and JR. She says, “Goodbye Sweetie!” and Michael jokingly says, “Aww, Mel!” Then Mel makes this huge production of getting in the cab and saying, “Can you take me to uh-“ You really have to see it, but it’s odd. What it reminds me of is this study that showed that men usually gave cabbies the address before being fully in the taxi, and women got all the way in before giving the address. I guess lesbians only get partially in? Bah, next scene please!

As he nears the comic book store, Mikey hears an alarm going off. We see the that store has been broken into and vandalized. We move forward a few hours as Carl is questioning Mikey about the events. Apparently nothing was stolen and Deb is just pleased that no one got hurt. JR is being held by Deb and getting adorable all over my screen. That girl is just coo-root! Carl tells Mikey to file a report and they’ll investigate, but that with this type of vandalism it’s pretty hard to come up with anything. I would agree except that this seemed to happen in the middle of the day so someone had to see something I would think. Mikey thinks it was more than vandalism and maybe the haters were trying to destroy two gay superheroes getting married, at the gay comic shop, on Liberty Avenue. Right. If that were true that shop would have been torn down a long time ago. Carl says no, and that Michael’s getting a bit carried away. Michael says he just accused Melanie of the same thing.

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A Beautiful Thing: QAF Recap 509 07-10-05 Page 5

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

This Just In: Emmett is Dumb!

Emmett tells his viewers that a smartly folded napkin is the way to impress the ladies and get into their hearts. He’s about to add their pants, but stops short. You see this is what I hate, because the problem wasn’t that he was racy or sassy, it was that he made the show about him and his ginormous penis. Which was not the purpose of his segment. Anyhow, Emmett gets a little thrown off, and we see the spark has left his segment. Jake Anders doesn’t even have a witty remark to end the show with! Emmett is packing up and I notice that there are like six different swanraffes on the table and nothing else, that’s kind of funny that he used his entire segment to make just one animal over and over again, and they are pretty ugly, oh well. Don comes up and tells Emmett that was a cute segment. Don doesn’t even know what the word cute means. He tells Emmett that the station wants to do a Queer Guy special where he prepares and serves a hot gourmet meal for a hot, straight couple. Emmett says that maybe after they can fuck while Emmett does the dishes. Don cracks up at this and I scratch my head. First of all, what kind of special is that? The purpose of QG is to educate right? Wouldn’t a better special be to show the man how to prepare the meal for his lady friend? I think the show realized that this situation wasn’t as homophobic as they needed so they really wanted to push home that Don and Channel 5 were a bunch of heterosexual homo haters. To further prove this point, Bud Locke (yummy!) comes with some news for Don. Apparently Drew has granted Bud an exclusive interview to talk about the allegations that he’s a “fag”. Do they not see Emmett standing right there? And why is that such a fun word to toss around Torontosburgh? You can best believe that if someone decided to nigger up Lincoln, Ne in my presence, there’s going to be some consequences and repercussions! I will say in Bud’s defense that he just kind of says, “Fahhhh” and CC says “Fag”. I know it doesn’t help any, but he’s so cute, I always go after the bigots, it’s the social reformist in me.

Don and Bud run off the share the news and stroke their hard-ons over the wicked awesome, channel 7 butt kicking, ratings their going to get as a result of the interview. Can’t wait!

Beth Woody’s

We follow who I thought was Ted into Woody’s, but it ends up being Random Jewenstein. He leads us inside and then the camera takes us on a mini-tour of all the eligible Jewish bachelors before finally stopping on Ted. Wow, there are a lot of gay, single Jews in Torontosburgh, so if anyone is looking to convert, that’s the place to go. Ted orders a cran and tonic and as he’s about to leave the bar he runs into a man spilling his drink. The man reminds me a bit of Bobby Cannavale mixed with someone that I can’t put my finger on. You can tell that the man did this on purpose because he was standing there the entire time. It’s very cute in how coy it was. Well, it was either that, or casting and staging thinks we’re idiots and wouldn’t recognize Bobby Jewnnavalenstein after two seconds. Ted apologizes profusely and says he’ll get the sweater cleaned but Bobby tells him to fahgeddaboutit! He offers another drink and when Bobby orders a diet Pepsi, Ted is surprised. It turns out that Bobby only drinks for special occasions, and then only a glass of wine here or there. Ted looks like he’s died and gone to heaven and introduces himself with a hearty “Shalom!” Adam Bernstein returns the “Shalom” with a firm handshake and a sexy eye. Now, I assumed that Ted was Jewish, but then it was correctly identified that he wasn’t. Doesn’t he know that Jews only get with other Jews? Or at least Jews that are devout enough to remain Jewish and gay and go to Woody’s for temple mixers? Am I way off base here? This seemed odd to me from the beginning that Mel would even suggest it, but whatev.

Ted and Adam take a seat and ask about each other’s professions. Ted says he works at an ad agency but is mostly an accountant. Adam’s brother is an accountant and snnzzzzzzz. Whoa! Sorry y’all, I literally fell asleep at the exact same moment every time I watch this part of the ep. Adam is a urologist and Ted clarifies that that means he’s a mother thrilling doctor. Someone sent me a video of a “urologist” measuring the dicks of several young men. I don’t think this urologist was accredited, but he was very thorough about his work. That doesn’t have much to do with anything, except that later we’ll see how you can’t fool a urologist, and a Jewish one at that. Ted asks what Adam likes to do besides feel up men’s prostates. Adam replies that he’s a tennis fanatic to boot. Ted asks if he likes opera and Adam says he hates it, but he loves the ballet. First of all, wouldn’t the opera thing send up a red flag? Since you like to play it during sex? I’m just saying, it sounds like something that’s definitely going to play a factor in the future. Adam has season tickets and cutely asks Ted to go. Ted winks those pretty little perfect lashes of his and smiles. This would be cute if it weren’t so doomed.

Trapped in the Attic; Parts One Through Five

Ben is at the table working on something, and Michael comes in carrying the Stop Prop 14 sign. Ben says he just put one of those on the front lawn and Michael correctly identifies that as being the same sign, “Aren’t we doing enough? Canvassing, boycotting, do we really need this too?” Ben says it’s a sign of solidarity and even MontEli have one in their yard! Heh, I love the way he says that. Like MontEli are such assimilationist dorks (which they are, especially Monte who I love now) that for them to have a sign means that everyone should have a sign. It’s true, it’s like last week we went to Worlds of Fun and the kids wanted to get on the Boomerang, and their mom was teasing me all, “Even Erik and Nick (my 9 and 10 y/o nephews) are going to get on!” I still didn’t go, but I felt very ashamed, I believe the same logic works here. Mikey says good for them, they can also wear pink triangles on their sleeve. Sigh, okay Mikey, I need you to simma down! So does Ben, he tells him there’s no need to get excited. Mikey starts to make internal plans for his state of the art hidden panic room and says that Ben can say that when they’re all being rounded up and put into camps. Ben says fine, if Mikey doesn’t want to put out the sign, then they won’t put it out.

Michael is visibly frustrated and tells Ben that he knows Ben thinks he’s overreacting, but he would hate for something terrible to happen because they didn’t listen to the warnings. Dang it Mikey, don’t try to tug at my heartstrings now! I’m still very upset with you young man! Aww pookie pie…

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A Beautiful Thing: QAF Recap 509 07-10-05 Page 6

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

Make Your Own Kind of Music

We open on the delicious Bud Locke, and I wonder if he really talks this way, or if he graduated from OABTA with emphasis in overenunciation like Amanda? He’s announcing a very special interview with the one and only Drew Boyd. Bud says that he would like to address the “sex allegations” of Boyd Like Boys in the weekly rag. Drew says it’s been a very tough time for him and the sooner that he addresses the allegations the better. Bud goes on to say that Drew and him have known each other for 15 years. They played ball together and he always thought of Drew as being a man’s man. So Bud knew he was gay all along? Ohhh, that’s an expression that means you like the tang! I get it now, thanks backwards logic!

Now before I go on, I would just like a show of hands of people who have ever seen a segment like this ever. I mean ever people! Meaning, how much trouble would this station get into if it were so blatantly on air anti-homosexual? Bud’s not even trying to act like gay equals anything but icky here, it’s insulting not just to black sportscasters, and gay, but to people who view the news and well, pretty much everyone. This whole scene is out of order!

Ahem, sorry about that. Anyhoodle, Drew would like to first say that a lot of those stories are lie and complete exaggerations. Bud says that’s a relief to a lot of his fans (and yet a disappointment to many more). Drew continues though, and here’s where it gets good, that if Bud’s asking if he’s gay…wait for it, wait for it, savor the anticipation. Before I continue I would like to talk about the world in general. Did you know that there are several thousands of – huh? You don’t care? Get to the point? Oh fine, Drew’s GAY!!!! He’s a poofta, a shirt tail lifter, a knob polisher, a hot pockeroo! In short he’s a disco dancin', Oscar Wilde readin', Streisand ticket holdin' friend of Dorothy, know what I'm sayin'?

And that’s not even the best part of this scene. You see, everyone is shocked and let me tell you that nobody does awkward silence like the Channel 5 news team! Jake Anders (who is da MAN!) is all, Who in the what now? and Bud is attempting to look disgusted, but he looks like he’s trying to figure out a way to slip Drew his number. Finally they realize they’re still on the air and Bud says he can’t believe it! “A guy like you?”, and Drew says, “Yeah, a guy like me!” You know he wants to add, “And almost a guy like you if you had just one more mai tai at the pool party last year.” but our Drew is a man of class. Bud says he can’t even picture Drew kissing another guy, then he points in Emmett’s direction and says, “not like him.” HahaHAhaHA!! Okay, now off the cuff we all have Emmett’s reaction of, “Excuse me?!” which has just enough of, “Oh no bitch di’n’t!” snap* to make it perfect. But you know how your humble recapper likes to go just a bit deeper…

You see Bud says, “ I can’t even picture you kissing a guy, not like him.” Does that mean that a)Bud has pictured Drew kissing guys, not as fem as Emmett, but that were more masculine… and black, and bald, and report sports for channel 5?, or b)Bud can’t picture Drew kissing a guy like he pictures Emmett kissing a guy that just so happens to be black, and bald, and reports sports for channel 5? I guess you could go with the original answer of Bud thinks gays are ickypoo, but I prefer my answers much better. Drew says as a matter of fact it was Emmett Honeycutt that gave Drew the courage not to just be a “man’s man”, but to be a “man’s man”, I mean, his own man. Drew says he’d like to thank Emmett and gets up, walks over to Em and plants a big sexy kiss on him in front of the entire television viewing audience. I am shocked and appalled there was no music during this part of the scene, so I decided to make my own kind of music by way of the Beautiful Thing soundtrack. If you haven’t seen that movie, then go do so at once, it is perfection. Okay, so you know that scene in the forest where they’re like playing tag and that Mama Cass song is playing. It goes perfectly here too.

So here we go, “You’re gonna be out there (da na da), the loneliest kind (SMOOCHY!) of lonely! It may be rough going, but to do your things the hardest thing to do!”

Jake Anders composes himself and says that they’ll be right back. We hear someone say, “and we’re out!” which is either very good timing on the show’s behalf, or a great coincidence. Emmett looks slightly perplexed, and Drew just looks proud as he throws his arm around Emmett’s shoulders.

Artsy Fartsy

We are at Lindsay’s pretension exhibition and see several people pouring over the art. Justin is wearing this black sweater and seriously, all he needs is a scarf, some dark Lennon glasses, a fake accent, crazy hair, and one of those long cigarette holders, and he would be such the Diva arteest! Lindsay introduces him to one Mr. Simon Caswell who’s an art critic for Art Forum magazine. Mr. Simon Caswell says that Linds is always trying to convince him to come to Torontosburgh, but he tells her “Worholzit”, but this time he could be wrong. Sorry y’all, CC fart, and I have no idea what he’s trying to say other than, “No”. He gives Justin the once over and as he turns to examines Justin’s work, Justin gives Linds an “ewww!” look. Don’t worry Just, I got the same look over here! Mr. Simon Caswell says that Justin’s work has a surprising intensity to it, especially for someone so young, and hot, and sexy and we get it MSC wants to jump Justin’s bones. He asks Justin what made him want to be an artist to which Justin replies, “It was either that or be a mass murderer, heh heh heh.” Heh, now that was funny mostly in part to the slightly wide crazy eyes Justin gives. MSC gives a few Heh’s of his own and says Justin is very amusing. He gives Lindsay a double cheek kiss and says he’ll be in touch. As he leaves Linds has an artgasm and tells Justin to remember this moment. Justin asks why since the guy was a cunt. Linds clarifies that he’s a very influential cunt. Justin mutters, “he’s a cunt” under his breath and makes me smile. I’m so polar when it comes to Justin, I either love to love to love him, or I can’t stand his bratty little guts.

Mel and Corinne come up and tell Justin that everyone’s abuzz about his work. Evidently everyone is saying that this should be a one man show and I’d like to give that a yeah, and a right. Mel reintroduces Corinne to Linds and Linds lies that she’s glad Corinne could come. Mel says she needs a refill and makes a great show of getting all handsy with Corinne. As they walk off, Justin asks Linds if she’s okay with it. She abruptly asks what else she’s supposed to do and Justin suggests his former career choice of mass murder. Justin’s sweater has a blue stripe right across the chest, and another that goes up his chest and to his left shoulder. It’s oddly flattering. Linds laughs a little bit and I’m just now noticing what she’s wearing, but I still don’t get it. All I know is that it contains an awkwardly placed bowtie. Huh. Brian comes up and tells us that art openings are such gay occasions. Linds says it’s even more so now that Brian is here. They give each other little kissies and Linds takes her leave.

Brian looks at the work in front of him and asks if it’s Justin’s. Justin confirms and asks if he likes it. The rest of their banter is stupid passive aggressive crap except when Brian says, “If I liked it, would it make it good?” and Justin says, “No…” but he does so in the most wimpering puppy voice ever that breaks my heart. Brian goes on with this crap and finally asks why Justin gives a fuck what he thinks. I didn’t catch this the first time, but as he says this some hottie walks in front of them. Brian check him out, and then Justin checks Brian checking him out. Justin is noticeably frustrated and Brian says that he thinks it’s exquisite and that Justin should be very proud. Then he leaves saying it’s been a long time since he’s fucked an art (ist, teacher, critic? Darn you CC and mumbly Gale!). Justin’s feeling rather bitchy and wouldn’t you know it, Tuck is all alone! Let’s go see what he’s up to shall we?

Justin goes up to Tuck and guesses that he doesn’t know art, but he knows what he likes. Tucker says he likes Magritte, Ce’zanne, and Jons (Just to let you know, I actually knew these artists, and CC SUX!). Tucker says he did go to college, and that he likes Justin’s work. Justin says that Tucker also likes his mother. Way to segue huh Justin? Tuckers says that he does like Jennifer and Justin asks him if he has a mother of his own. Heh, though I want to strangle him right now, you got to admit that the kid’s got cajones! Tucker says he likes Jen because she’s smart and sexy! Justin asks if they’ve consummated their relationship and Tucker (and boy do I hate that name!) says that doesn’t concern Justin. Justin says that 25 goes into 50 a lot more than 50 goes into 25. And… yeah, it does, twice to be exact… idiot. Tucker comes back with, “Except in your case,” and then looks at Brian across the room, “although to be fair he’s not quite that old is he.” I love that a) Jen told Tucker all about Brian, b) that Tucker thought to use that against Justin, and c) that Brian is blatantly touching the art.

Tucker says that Jen’s an “Aaadult” and so is he, and they are free to love (ooh!) each other without her child’s approval. Justin says that he’s her son, and he’s an adult. Tucker nods and says “(*snap) Okay, then act like one (BITCH!).” You can tell where I added dialogue.

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A Beautiful Thing: QAF Recap 509 07-10-05 Page 7

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

We move over to Ted who is gushing about all the single Jewish men in the city. I would hold back the enthusiasm Teddy, they’re probably single for a reason. Ted decides to go all the way though and even calls them Mr. and Mrs. Adam Bernstein. He asks how that sounds, and Ben says, “Mazeltov!” He probably thinks that’s Yiddish for “Stupid!” Brian comes and grabs Mikey out of the crowd. Mikey complains that he was in the middle of a conversation, but Brian assures him that Theodore can regale him with tales of Yeshiva later. I don’t know. Brian kind of stops and looks at Mikey who’s like, “What? What do you want?” Brian takes a deep breath and tells Michael that if he’s happy being a Stepford fag, then he should go for it. Now Brian should have stopped there, but that’s not like our Bri. He goes on to say that if Michael wants to be the biggest Stepford fag in the world than it’s fine with him. I kind of like the juxtaposition of this scene right after the scene where he tells Justin that it doesn’t matter what he thinks.

Michael, of course, ain’t havin’ it. He asks Brian if that was supposed to be an apology. Brian doesn’t quite know what to do so he goes to what used to be the fail-safe hug. Mikey pushes him back and asks if Brian is afraid he’ll infect him, and while I empathize with Brian, I can see Mikey’s point. Mikey tries to make it sound like they’ve outgrown each other, and they’ve been friends their entire lives doesn’t mean they have to stay friends. He goes on to say that they have nothing in common anymore so they should just admit the Brian and Mikey show is over. The thing I hate about this is that Michael is too stubborn to admit that he still love Brian. What he hates is that Brian still doesn’t realize how much he hurt Mikey, and Mikey’s doing that, “Well if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” test of friendship thing that has never worked in the past, and sure ain’t workin’ here. Mikey walks off back to his conversation and gives a slight look back. Brian looks dejected. It’s a sad time for Brikey y’all, a sad time.

The Longest Yard

Emmett is looking at his Queer Guy headshot and Drew offers him some scotch. Emmett says that usually he doesn’t take his drinks straight (ba dum ba!), but this time he’ll make an exception. Drew hands him the glass and apologizes for getting Emmett fired. Ha! I don’t care, that’s hilarious. Emmett says he may have lost his job, but at least he’s not considered sexless anymore. Wait a minute, does that mean the sexless storyline is done for good? Yippee!! Someone pour me snifter of brandy! Emmett can’t believe that Drew kissed him and wonders why he did it. Drew says that first rule of the game is to always protect your teammates. That will factor in later, but for now it’s very sweet. Drew says that since now they are on the same team he was covering Emmett’s ass, and repaying Raymond Oswald. Raymond was an effeminate “fag” that went to Drew’s highschool. Emmett says he knows the type. Is there a waiting time between the time you announce your gay and the time you can start saying fag? I wonder about that sometimes, don’t ask why, it will just make your head hurt. They completely brutalized Raymond and eventually the poor boy had to transfer schools. This story reminds me of a chapter I read in the Buddies series by Ethan Mordden (and sweet holy crap I just found out he’s doing a conclusion book! Eeee! He wasn't supposed to do another one, but I'm so glad he is, I live for this man's work! Sooo.. if anyone uhh, wants to.. you know.. ummm... arrrr aaa... **cough* drjulia99*cough**) where Dennis Savage is talking about how he gay bashed a kid (he was gay himself) and the mob mentality and how he wished he could make it up to him. Huh, that was an odd thing, I know I had a point before I began it, but I was looking up the Mordden link and I saw he had a new book coming out and you know the rest. Sorry. Anyhow, Drew says that Emmett was his atonement for Raymond. Emmett asks Drew how he feels now that he’s out and Drew replies with the answer we’ve all been waiting for, HORNY! We get some nice football inspired techno music, Emmett downs his scotch, and there’s some heavy kissing, but I’m waiting for the rough Drew I’ll bang you into the wall and make you want IT Boyd sex I’m used to. And here it is, they start to tear off each other’s clothes and Drew throws Emmett over his back and carries him upstairs. Emmett (looking like he’s about to fall off, and completely loving it) slaps Drew’s butt and yells “I Love FOOTBALL!” Don’t we all baby? Don’t we all.

Mrs. & Mrs. MeLinds

Mel comes in late and it’s obvious she’s a little shitfaced. She hangs up her coat and turns around to see Lindsay sitting in the dark. “Shhiiiiiittttt!” She says as she freaks out. Ha! I cracked up when that happened because I probably would have done the same thing. Linds tells Mel that she’ll wake the children and Mel says she probably woke the dead, “You scared the fucking crap out of me!” Linds replies with a short,”Sorry”. Mel asks why Linds is sitting in the dark and Linds says because she felt like it. Well alrighty then. Linds gets up and heads towards the kitchen. Mel follows (looking smokin’ hott by the way) and Linds pours herself a cup of cocoa. Mel asks if there’s enough, but Linds says she only made enough for her. She tells Mel that it’s after 3am. Mel says she got tied up and Linds wonders if it was satin or leather. Heh, and ewww. Mel says she was tied up talking to Corinne, but actually she doesn’t have to explain, make excuses, or apologize to Linds. Linds agrees, but asks if Mel didn’t forget about their family. During this Melanie takes out a spoon and puts honey on it and licks it. While that’s tasty, it’s also a sugar headache waiting to happen, yeesh.

Mel says that next time she’ll call, but Linds tells her not to worry about a next time. She complains that the in house separation isn’t working and it’s obviously made for someone more sophisticated and heartless than she. Mel asks what Linds suggests they do, and Linds says they should sell the house and both get separate condos. That’s the idea I said at the beginning, but now that they’re almost aboard the reconciliation train (it will happen) I don’t like it one bit. Neither does Mel. Linds says that it’s not fair that Mel get to stay and Linds has to stay in a crummy apartment. Mel says that if Linds wants to sell the house then they should start splitting stuff up now. They’ve moved into the dining room where Mel picks up a vase and asks, “What about this?” Linds says it’s Mel’s and Mel says that she gave it to Linds on one of their anniversaries. Yeah, I’m going to need Mel to gift better, maybe she could get some tips from Brian. Linds says she doesn’t want it and Mel says fine, and drops it on the floor. Ha! Linds jumps a little bit but holds herself back. Mel says it’s one less thing they have to wrap and pack. Linds decides to join in on the fun and picks up a green dish. Mel says it’s her mother’s depression glass candy dish and I know for a fact those things are worth something, so Linds was a bit wrong when she tries to drop it. Mel and her fight over it and it breaks. There’s a lot of shoving and what not and if I were a straight man (or, uhh, a lesbian), I would be so into this. Finally Mel grabs Linds and plants a big kiss on her. Linds calls her a bitch (heh) and slaps her silly. Mel, not one to be deterred, grabs Linds and throws her down on the table and proceeds to make nasty, funky, sweaty, angry love to her. It’s pretty intense y’all, at the end I called my friend Jerrod and all I had to say was, “Dang.” and he just knew.

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A Beautiful Thing: QAF Recap 509 07-10-05 Page 8

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

I’d Like Justin to Shut Up…(and) To Go

Jen and Justin are at the diner and Jen is telling Justin that she doesn’t care if he’s Picasso, it doesn’t give him license to be rude. Justin insists that he wasn’t being rude, and that he only asked a few questions. “Like if he’s fucking me!? What kind of question is that?” Jen and I ask. A waitress comes by to refresh their coffee and Justin says he was just looking out for Jen’s best interests. Jen thinks that maybe Justin was feeling threatened because there’s another man in her life. Justin insists that he’s not threatened, and Jen informs him that Tucker is the first man in Jen’s life since her and Craig split up which dude, long time. Poor Jen, she couldn’t get no lovin’ for four years! Ahh well, I hope Tuck really was everlasting (wakka wakka). Heh, Jen should use that for her stand up routine. “Don’t you think I’m entitled to be with someone?” Jen asks, and Justin agrees, but says it should be with someone appropriate and her own age. Jen and I laugh (and I throw something at the TV) and say that’s pretty funny coming from Justin.

Justin says that he was 17 when he and Brian first got together and I fail to see how statutory rape justifies his claim. He goes on to say that his mother is, well, a lot older. Jen (who for some reason isn’t jumping on Justin and beating the crap out of him) explains that at first she had problems with Brian, but once she saw he made Justin happy, she went along with it. Well actually Jen, it’s not that you need to explain yourself, but since you are at least tell the whole truth. That Justin was a sniveling brat who would disown you to be with Brian and since you didn’t want to lose him you gave in. This scene is so annoying because I know it’s supposed to be cute that Justin doesn’t want to give up his mommy, but it’s not since it’s so hypocritical. She tells him that now it’s his turn to be supportive of him. Not quite the beat down I was looking for, but it will do for now. Can you throw a lemon bar in with my order?

Before You Take Another Swallow!

A man is on his soapbox preaching about how gays are taking over this Christian land. Hey buddy, this land is your land, and this land is my land! Learn to share! Michael wonders when this became a Christian country and I wonder when it wasn’t, maybe the ‘70s got him confused? Michael is really upset and wants to punch Ben out, but Ben says that’s not how they get their message across! Mikey gives him a “I HATE you!” pout and they walk on down the road.

Ted is Dumb

Ted and Bernstein are getting hot and heavy on the couch and you know what? This is so dumb. I don’t want to disappoint, but this is dumb. They had a great date and yadda yadda yadda Ted’s not Jewish. Is that enough recapping for you? No!? Fine! Uhh let’s see, Adam asks Ted if he goes all the way on the first date and Ted is pretty much naked while the question is being asked and Adam is about to go down on him and notices that Ted’s uncut and therefore not Jewish. Teddy really wants to get laid and says that he’ll convert, but Adam ain’t having it. Adam leaves and Ted sits there looking dejected, God.

Be a Team Player! For Our Team, Not Theirs…

Emmett is reading an article in the gay newspaper to Deb that has many flattering things to say about Drew. It concludes by saying he’s scored a touchdown of personal courage and honesty. Debbie says, “YES!” all excited like. It’s pretty cute, especially since it’s Debbie. While Emmett is reading his article we hear a car pull up and a door slam and then after Deb yells there’s a lot of commotion outside. Carl opens the door and pulls Drew in. Drew apologizes and Deb says it’s fine until she notices the reporters are trampling her rose bushes. Emmett tries to show Drew the article telling him that he’ll be so proud, but Drew declines and tells Emmett he’s been suspended from the team.

Deb is outraged and demands to know why Drew was suspended, “You didn’t rape anybody, you weren’t driving drunk, you didn’t make any illegal bets-“ Carl cuts her off and ushers in words of common sense, “Deb, we know what he did.” Drew says that his coach said it would be good for him in case his teammates tried to injure him. Emmett says that he thought they were supposed to look out for each other, Drew says so did he.

Okay, y’all know me. Let’s take a few steps back and think about what’s happened so far. Now yes, Drew’s coach and team look like bigots, but considering the way that Drew outed himself, I don’t completely blame them for their reaction. First off, as soon as the allegations came out, and Drew decided to go gay, he should have talked to his coach, and then his teammates. I refuse to believe that none of his teammates have called to offer support/rejection or anything at all. This may not have had positive results, but at least they would have known and wouldn’t have to find out by watching the channel 5 news. It’s just common courtesy I think. Now you can hem and haw all you want about, “He should be able to live how he wants!”, and “His business is none of theirs!” and all of that is true and all very well and good, but it’s not realistic. Secondly, I wouldn’t have suspended Drew, but I would have a long talk with the team and let them know that if any harm were to come to Drew, they would be the ones suspended. Then stick to your word and do it. It’s ridiculous that you can’t expect grown men to behave like adults. Whatever your views on homosexuality are, they aren’t going to change because a friend is gay, and the friend really isn’t going to change either. If you’re that freaked out about showering with him then wear a thong and shut up. People confuse me sometimes, if he were a murderer, or a molester (the bad kind), I would have a problem being around him, but otherwise I think I would be okay. If I had to hang out with lesbians I might be a little put off, but I would tell myself that if they didn’t want me then, they don’t want me now (though God only knows why they wouldn’t!) /end rant.

Thanks for listening, moving on.

Fight the POWER!

Ben is coming up the stairs to their house and sees Mikey putting up a new light on the porch. He tells Michael he’s being awfully diligent and Michael says it’s their home and he wants everything to be perfect. “You’re in it, it’s already perfect to me.” Ben says. My, someone is looking for some booty tonight aren’t they? Well you know what I say to that, Get It BEN!” Michael tells Ben that was the most cloyingly sentimental remark he has ever heard and he would throw up if he didn’t love every word of it. I agree. Ben gives Mikey teh sex eyes and tells him to come in cause baby it’s cold outside. Michael says he has one more thing he has to do and he gets the Stop Prop 14 scene and puts it in the yard. We end with MiBen going into the house with some lovely music playing that takes us into our last scene.

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A Beautiful Thing: QAF Recap 509 07-10-05 Page 9

by StickyKeys Queer As Folk Episode 509 Aired 07-10-05

Always Have… Always Will (DANGIT!)

Apologies to everyone who is not a Brikey shipper (and not just sexual, but also friendship shippers). I try to keep my Brikey (and God I love that name) love under control, but this scene just shattered the glass ceiling. So come along with me as we enter into THE BEST SCENE EVER!

What’s the glam rock version of emo? Because that’s what this next scene is. You know every gay movie where the fresh out of the closet gay kid goes to his very first gay bar an is in shock at the fabulosity? That is the essence of this scene. There are tons of HDGBs! sweating up a storm, and slow motion, and glitter confetti and awe and wonder, and strobes, and streaming lights… and Brian. Looking over his creation that somehow feels incomplete. Brian glances behind him and looks at the entrance to see Michael walking in with a huge smile on his face. He sees Brian in the balcony and goes upstairs to meet him. Now I knew then that this was a dream, if not for the simple fact that we know at this moment Michael is getting plowed by Ben. But then we see Mikey walk up to the railing and Brian joins him, and for a minute, just a minute, I think it might be real. Let’s listen in shall we?

“I’m surprised to see you here!” Brian says. Mikey looks at Brian and says, “I want to ask you a question. Why did you apologize?” This is the point where every Brikey fan in the world screams, “Don’t mess it up Brian! I swear to God if you mess this up!” Brian says, “I guess I missed you.” And we all cringe because that’s a Brian answer, but is it too much of a Brian answer? We all breath a sigh of relief as Mikey cracks a huge smile. Michael asks Brian if he still love him, and Brian says (as we all die and crumble into a million pieces), “Always have, always will.” SWOON! I’m sorry y’all, I know, I know, I know, but if that didn’t tug at your heartstrings!

Then Michael’s mouth opens and mouths, “So do I”, but it’s Ted’s voice and this is the point where I’m a bit mad at the show, but I knew this was happening so I’m okay. The techno music comes in and wee see it is Ted. He says that Brian looked like he needed a friend to talk to and so did he. Sigh, Brian realizes that he’s just a bit crazy with the hallucinations, and goes back to being regular old Brian and asks Ted if there’s a hotline for that. Ted says that in a pinch Brian will do and then proceeds to tell him that his stupid date was a bust.

Let’s go back to Michael and Brian for a bit (shut up!). They seem to have grown apart, but I don’t think that’s true at all. I mean, nobody knows Brian better that Mikey and vice versa, they are each other’s yin and yang I think. I believe that once they got over the hurdle of realizing that they weren’t going to be together, they thought they were going to be okay. What they didn’t see coming was that they never really got over that hurdle. They never really accepted the fact that they weren’t going to be roommates forever who had sex with other people but ultimately loved each other, that there were going to be other people in their lives that they loved just a much, if not more in certain ways. It’s a very selfish relationship between the two and we’ve been made to see Michael as the obsessive one, but really, Brian is the same way. I think once they come to terms with the fact that they don’t have to be with each other all the time to still love each other, they’ll be fine, it’s just getting them there.

I mean, think about it, when Mikey left Brian lost a part of him, that’s not so hard to believe. He should be begging Michael to baby please comeback because they belong together. Who is Mikey going to lean on when times get rough, who’s going to talk to Brian on the phone till the sun comes up, WHO’s going to take their places, there ain’t nobody else, no y’all, they belong togetheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr! Sorry about that, I’ve been wearing out my Mariah Carey album, cop that yo! You won’t regret it!

Anyhow, back to Ted and Brian (remember them?), Brian asks what went wrong and Ted says that he didn’t make the cut (ba dum ba). Brian says that Ted will live and Teddy praises Brian way with words. This elicits a giggle out of Brian. Ted offers to get Brian a drink, and Brian accepts telling Teddy to get one of those girlie things he likes so much, on him. Ted thanks Brian, and Brian says, “Anytime, for a friend?” Ted smiles and hits Brian’s shoulder a couple of times before leaving. This made me smile because Ted never nodded, just kind of hit Bri and left like, “Please let Brikey get back together, otherwise I’ll have to be friends with BRIAN! Ewwww.” Heh.

Teddy leaves and we go back to the soft somber music of emotional devastation. One thing to note is that there’s this guy behind Brian who is dancing with someone. He’s jumping up and down, but he has one leg in front of him and the other behind him, and he’s hopping back and forth, it looks like he’s doing double dutch and I wonder about his childhood. Ahh well, we end with a shot of our HDGBs! dancing it up and glitter confetti as the music takes us into the credits.

Next on QAF!

Recap 510 will consist of a Sticky Keystone Production. She will pull out all the stops to convey the drama of the episode.

There’s an EXPLOSION!!

But where?

Someone gets hurt!

But who?

This show still has tons of viewers!

But why?

Find out, in recap 510…

510 will be a little delayed since I want to get back on track with 511, but it will be out and soon! Thanks so much for your patience and for still reading! I love all of y’all!

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Sunday, July 17, 2005

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!: QAF Recaplet 510 07-17-05

Sweet merciful crap! What starts out as a sucky ep is quickly redeemed with DRAMA!, LOVE!, RECONCILLIATION! and - wait for it-...

Wait for it....

IT's coming....



Sweet Mable Brown what a rollercoaster of an ep!

Corinne gets a big ol Shut the Hell Up from me as she dumps Mel, a recent divorcee with a live-in separationg agreement and two shared children, for leading her on!?!

Mel finally realizes that she's in love with Linds, but is it too late? No, of course not, it only takes a bomb to get them back together!

"A bomb?" you say? Why yes, someone set off a bomb in Babylon setting off some of the most pivotal moments of the season.

Ben finally tells Deb to shut up.

Brian and Deb cuss God out and then want Him to do stuff for them.

Ted gets dumped by his new boyfriend Lewis who has everything including a fear of crowds after being trampled by a bunch of Partridge Family Fans and may I be the first to say, HaHA!

Cyndi Lauper! And may I be the first to ask, what the hell is wrong with Cyndi Lauper!?

A wonderfully horrific, saddening, yet refreshing episode filled with cliches and over acting, and director hubris that presented a fascinating night of television. God and I have to recap this crap. I can't wait!

ps. If they kill of Michael someone important at QAF will die by my hand.

That is all.

Go to the Recap: A Very Special Episode of Queer As Folk: QAF 510 07-17-05

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